Don't tell me you're busy!

We all have the same 24 hours to fill and everyone's hours are filled with something.

So, don't email me a list of reasons why you can't send me an email or set aside 10 minutes to return my call, and expect me not to react offended. Don't tell me that you can't help it. Because you can help it.

I absolutely hate it when friends use the "I'm too busy" excuse with me. Because it's just that --- an excuse. An excuse to ignore responsibilities, commitments, and relationships (friendship or romantic).

I've become conditioned now, to automatically downgrade someone I consider a good friend, when that person tells me they are too busy to return my call or respond to my email. Because I'm smart enough to read between the lines of their "too busy" excuse, which really is them telling me, "Your friendship isn't a priority in my life anymore."

A friend of mine waited 6 weeks -- that's over a month!! -- to email me instead of return my call. The subject line of her email even gave away her annoyance that she was expected to return my call, "Ugh, I owe you a phone call." Wow, that's so friendly and warm. Knowing that you don't want to call me back gives me the warm snugglies inside. I feel so valued. So missed. I mean, what?! Why not this for a subject line instead, "I'm sorry I didn't call you back six weeks ago." Better yet, why not a return phone call to apologize? Takes 5 minutes.

The time it took her to email her two paragraphs of excuses (all the commitments she has in her work and personal life that take up her time), she could have just called me for like, 5 to 10 minutes to acknowledge she messed up, hurt my feelings, and apologize. Then I wouldn't be so disappointed and hurt by her lack of follow-up and her clear annoyance.

Like I said, we all have the same 24 hours of a day to fill. "Busy" doesn't excuse you from being a good friend in my view. It's about priorities and options. If you don't want my friendship to be a priority in your life, fine. Friendships change. Friendships end. But don't insult my intelligence by telling me you were too busy to return my call 6 weeks ago, when clearly you spend a lot of time on Facebook.

I am done with this friendship because it's clear that she no longer considers my friendship a priority in her life. When I replied to her on Facebook's instant message that I got her email and suggested she call me over the weekend to talk, her response was, "But I can't call you this weekend. I'm too busy with A, B, and C." Why not just be direct with me that she no longer views my friendship as important or necessary for her anymore, etc? Why not respect my feelings and the time (8 years) I invested being her friend, to be honest with me and end her friendship with me in a respectful way? I don't think that's asking too much. I really don't.

The bottom line is this: people MAKE TIME for who they want to talk to, text, and email. Never believe anyone who says they are too busy to be around you. If they wanted to be around you, they would.

I'm curious what other people think about being blown off with "too busy."

I have learned, since developing mental illness, never to assume anything about someone else's behavior.

Yeah, my oldest & once upon a time best friend's life is too busy for me. I tried to believe it for a long time. I mean, she has kids, a husband, lots & lots of friends & acquaintances, & a full time job, so she could only squeeze me in on a work lunch break. When she offered this, it just hit me. That's exactly how much she values me now, half an hour at most for who knows how long again, just another acquaintance at best, not valuable enough to spend any significant time with. Because you're right, people make the time if they want to. Great, now I have a headache from crying. I'm sorry your friend treated you this way. I wish they would just tell us when it's over.

Never assume? The point of my post was to illustrate how rude it is to tell someone that you're too busy, when I view "busy" as just a convenient cop-out excuse that people use when they don't seem to value your friendship with them anymore, but they are not respectful enough to just come out and say that. So, they use the "busy" excuse to hide behind which is such crap I think. We all have the same 24 hours to fill. We all make priorities. "Busy" isn't a valid reason to blow someone off unless you just don't like that person.

I know how you feel Yours_Truly! Believe me! I've been there (just recently too) when a friend makes a big deal out of being oh-so-busy they can just barely squeeze you in to their life for a measly portion of time. Sounds like your friend isn't much of a friend. She treats you more like an acquaintance which is a waste of your time, if you ask me. I know how much it hurts to be downgraded from priority to option. I'm still upset with my friend and think I just may delete her from my Facebook without any pre-emptive warning. I mean, what would be the point of telling her what is obviously the reason why: she doesn't want my friendship anymore. Can't call me back and waits 6 weeks to email me to tell me why she can't call me back is totally farcical. It's just ridiculous! Still makes me mad.

My cousin recently did that to me when I asked him to meetup for a weekend coffee b/c he asked me to help him with a creative family project. His response was "I'm so busy at work but I'd love to catch up after that," leaving it open ended.

So I immediately put the kibosh on his "busy" b.s. and replied "we can work on the family creative project via email since you're too busy to meet." I could have called him out and wrote something confrontational but when people want to avoid you, calling them out on their "busy" excuse, has the same effect as yelling at a brick wall. Or screaming into the wind. Nothing happens. They won't acknowledge their behavior b/c that would mean they'd have to feel guilty and who wants to feel guilty when they can just be too busy to see you, which makes them feel better.

Or perhaps there is something else going on that they just don't feel comfortable sharing. We don't always know what is going on is someone's private life.

Or perhaps they are concerned you will get angry if they tell you the truth. Kind of damned if they do or damned if they don't.

I think the one that hurts me even more than this one is when people (supposed friends) tell me to call if I need anything, then they're always too busy or unavailable when I do call ... Like how nice it would be to tag-a-long to the grocery store on a cold, wet, rainy weekend when my arthritis is just to painful to crawl on my moped (can't afford a car) and get there myself ... I've learned to just quit asking and make do some other way ... I wish they just wouldn't even offer at all in the first place ... I know people are busy and that their lives are involved, but don't say and offer things you don't really mean because it's disingenuous and hurts!

I have this problem with my oldest sister. It's really hurtful to me, and I've built up a lot of resentment because she SAYS she cares so much about me, yet I am apparently low on her list of priorities.

Then, too, my sister has a serious issue with time management. So her lack of attention toward me might just not be about me at all.

No. I simply don't accept your answer. Of course if you tell someone you're too busy to call them back via email, the recipient (me, in this case) will respond angry. That's common sense. Anyone would be upset in my situation. Waiting 6 weeks to email me back to tell me she's too busy to call me back, and then too busy over the weekend to call me back; yet she spends a LOT of time on Facebook. Either she doesn't realize I can see her when she's online, or she doesn't care that I know she is online when I am.

If you really believe it's ok to blow someone off with the "too busy" excuse, then that tells me you must use it a lot with people as an excuse.



No one is too busy to be a good friend. Like I said in my original post, we all share 24 hours in a day, and we all fill those 24 hours with something. To use the "busy" excuse, is to send the other person the message, "your time isn't as important as my time."

So, you'll have to convince me that "too busy" isn't a lame excuse. Because I'm convinced that it is.

BrokenCloud I'm sorry that those people you mentioned in your post act that way. It's so disingenuous to invite you to call on them when you need help, but then they are suddenly too busy to help you. I think that is very rude and definitely an example of why "too busy" is a total lie and excuse people use. I agree with you. If their true intentions aren't to help you, then they shouldn't invite you to ask them for help. It only confuses you -- which is not your fault, but their fault. I would be confused too. And irritated and disappointed.

LauraBeth,

I don't blame you for feeling resentful towards your older sister. I doubt it is her poor time management. I was once friends with a woman who was chronically late to every place I invited her. After two years of putting up with it, I ended the friendship because chronic lateness is a lack of respect of my time.

I understand you're upset, but attacking others because you're upset will get you nowhere.

And to be honest, it's not common sense to be angry. It's completely understandable that plans change because people are busy. What you are really angry about is that people don't make time for you and don't value your friendship. It has nothing to do with being busy but the other person, unless they truly are busy, do not value you the way you value them and yeah that sucks but that's life.

I've been best friends with someone since I was 14. He does not value me or my time at all. He's busy, busy, busy, can't even return a phone call but oh wait, hey, I just showed up at your door out of the blue. Let's go. You do make many good points in your rant, and I wish I had the steel heart to tell these friends no, I don't want to be friends with you because you do not value my time. It's not something I can easily do. I can't just shut down a friendship without crossing the line for me to refuse to be friends. I have, but it's definitely not easy.

You certainly don't have to accept my answer. That's the nature of public forum discussions. Various people see things various ways.

As far as "If you really believe it's ok to blow someone off with the "too busy" excuse, then that tells me you must use it a lot with people as an excuse." That statement goes into a personal attack based on absolutely nothing you know about me. So, "I simply don't accept your answer" either. See how that works?

I didn't say at all that saying you are too busy isn't a lame excuse. I simply said it may be the only excuse someone is willing to give if they are unwilling to give you the truth for whatever reason.

I don't think anyone is attacking anyone. This is a good and helpful thread. I do believe that a lot of people are very, very poor at time management skills - but many people also don't make it a priority to take control of their time; they continue to abuse others by being neglectful or chronically late. Bottom line is that it is terribly disrespectful to friends and family when someone takes weeks (or months) to answer emails, or is late to every get-together. The message is: You really are not important enough to me for me to work at making a change.

I am currently estranged from my sister because of a lifetime of her disrespecting my time. I finally had enough of it. I finally called her out on it. Waiting a month to get an answer to an email, waiting 1 1/2 hours at a restaurant for her to show up (with a bunch of lame excuses about why she's late AGAIN)...no. People like that are toxic and cruel.

LauraBeth sorry to hear about your lifetime estrangement from your sister. I think it's really rude that she'd wait a month to answer your email, or leave you waiting for 90 minutes at a restaurant (a former friend of mine did that to me on my birthday and we're no longer friends).

Know that I empathize with you, because I am estranged from my toxic brother for the rest of our lives and am far better off. Just because they are members of our family, doesn't exempt them from respectful, civil behavior and this includes that they show respect for our time.

And no, I wasn't personally attacking any of the posters in my thread who defend the "busy" excuse as being a valid excuse. We are all entitled to our opinions, obviously and don't need to agree with each other.

I posted a link to a YouTube video on the first page in one of my responses, that's a 3 minute summary of why the excuse of "too busy" is a lie, and is not a good use of communication. Has anyone watched it?

My friend did not have to wait 6 weeks to return my call. She chose to wait 6 weeks to email me that she can't call me because she's soooo busy. And when I suggested she call me over a weekend she again said she was sooo busy. She could have just ended her friendship with me via email. As it stands, I consider the friendship over anyway at this point. I would never use "I'm too busy" as an excuse to dismiss a friend's feelings or be disrespectful of their time.

And I really don't know how anyone who thinks "busy" isn't harmful, can justify it as a reasonable excuse. Because what excuse is reasonable? It's an excuse, after all. Not a reason. There's a huge difference between the two I think.

Yes, I watched the video and I agree with it. I can understand being a few minutes late because you got stuck in traffic, I can even understand being occasionally late because you really DID get stuck at work, or because your week really was especially stressful.

What I cannot understand is a life-long pattern of being late with everything. I believe it's a time management issue, a priority issue, a MAJOR control issue, and also possibly an attention-getting narcissistic issue.

It isn't rude to tell someone you are busy. It's ridiculous to assume that it is...you don't know what they're thinking or what's going on in their lives or their minds.

No...never assume anything.

I have learned that it is what it is!!! Bottom line that you are not their priority...may be many reason for this especially in our society where people are really way too busy....just take it for what it is.....find more friends; ease up on the expectations. I think they get us the most in trouble....and as a 12 step program says "easy does it!!!"....AND TRY AS THE CLICHE SAYS: TO BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes people are busy though. And when they are not at their work and really important priorities they are tired and want alone time, not to deal with more people, as much as they may like them.

The bottom line is definitely that you are not their priority. There's no logical reason my friend waited 6 weeks to email me, to tell me in that email she can't call me. She just didn't want to call me.

I disagree with you that I need to ease up on my expectations. 6 weeks is just rude to wait to get in touch with someone. 6 days is not as big of a deal as 6 weeks. The fact that my friend emailed me instead of called also is very telling about how low on her priority list my friendship is.

I think my expectations are reasonable actually; If I call/email/text/message you, I expect you to respond within a reasonable amount of time. If you don't, it comes across disrespectful and rude to me. When I lived abroad, my friends knew in advance that they would receive letters from me and phone calls since email didn't exist. I always stayed in touch with my friends; I called them every weekend on the dot, despite the time-zone difference and if they weren't home I left them a voicemail.

I made time for those people, when I lived in a different country. And I had a full schedule of work and other activities going on. But that didn't prevent me from keeping my promises to my friends.

My friend lives in the same country and she can't be bothered to return my phone call? Then she sends me an email with the subject line "Ugh, I owe you a phone call" as if that justifies her silence for 6 weeks, despite us being Facebook friends?

No, they're not too busy to respect another person's time and feelings. They're not busy. They're just being a bad friend/relative. My friend could have made the time to call me back, because a phone call takes 5 minutes. No one is that busy. No one.

It sux. I think most decent ppl have had "that friend" at some point In their life i.mean sometimes it is just that ppls lives go different directions and they dift apart...but if I'm reading ur post correctly this now former friend is one of those who claims the bestie title, but is only really there when it suits them.. the kinda "fair weather social climbers" who keep telling u to call them, we gotta do something soon...with no real intentions of actually getting together or even answering the phone..until they need something from you or their "Beyer plans, with cooler ppl" fall thru and they find themselves alone and bored... yeah, I've had a few. Everyone just Loves them thinks they are the end all...got thousands of FB friends..annoyingly get 209likes on a post that if you wrote possibly 5ppl might give a crap... The thing that bothers me most about these fake ***** ppl is that for some unknown reason others just don't see how ingenuine they actually are and these types actually tend to do fairly well both socially and in careers!! I have a sibling who is one of these personality types too.. it is obnoxious..bc..they basically just collect ppl. Now these types of people may be "normal" to some, but to me, it's not jealousy..it's not they are too busy..although ppl like this generally do not ever try to have a free moment. They can not be alone ever. They need to be surrounded by ppl, who are praising them for how awesome amazing selfless they are..they often see them selves,as martyrs. ...they really think they are infallible and they are generally given enough positive feedback to back up their warped views of themselves and others. Not all ppl who have lots of friends are well liked and respected are like the few I am speaking about... a lot of ppl are well liked and completely genuine... but the difference lays in their true at the core motives...which they can easily forget bc they get away with it...they are not selfless or genuine.. they only truly care about others wanting needing adoring them.. They don't really care about friends they need fans! These ppl are extremely sneakily malnipulative..so much that to most it goes completely undetected..that is until that person becomes their next target... so they collect ppl and these ppl go into 3 maybe 4 categories....1. The group they treat like gold (generally who ever they see as their next ladder rung), but a few true friends as well they always treat like gold..this shows they can't possibly be shallow.or have alterative motives.. 2. The ppl who they "knew" (collected) from different times and areas. They pay just enough attention to this group for them to still always remember them fondly, but really they are just the lrg pool fb / travel fan base. They feed off of and further back that look how many ppl I am still friends with..they will play up these friendships so they basically have a person who believes they are still bffs in every port. They will call them when they are in their area and spend just enough time to gather photo evidence of how many ppl worldwide love them. But they use a couple of hrs worth if reel to fabricate a whole weekend they spent with so and so in Pheonix.. Did i mention these types are also pathological liars at worst and wild exagerarating one uppers at norm. Then there are the unfortunate 3rd group... the punching bags. Ppl they have kept on their hook the longest and hand picked bc they saw a "weakness" to eploite! They ignore this group, but throw them a scrap here and there to keep them. Then they use this group as the comparison, put them down pu lily to make themselves look better..but very slyly..hurtful as he'll to the person who is being used. As the but of the joke for the night, but still usually manage to keep them by when they are alone going on and on a out how that person is their best friend in the whole world only one who truly knows them, couldn't live without their friendship etc...Truly sickly venomous! It is their identity..without continuing this elaborate charade..they have no true self image. It's disgusting,infuriating, and actually rather sad.

To reply to the actually busy debate above...yes as we grow older we often have less time for others who are not involved in the rat race of the here and now...but, from what the OP is describing I believe to be the final straw,of many similar poor treatment by their friend...and if this friend is one of the types I described, then yes they are certainly very busy..but if you were in their 1st group or anyone they are intimatdated by and or trying to impress...then they would find time..heck they would create time to caught more fan fish!! So, I understand how you feel slighted..cuz if you wee to look at all their thousands of social media pics they seem to have no problem "finding time to keep up a ridonkuloys fan base, but got no time for you??!! ...Just Walk away. Block them, don't answer their calls..never look back..cuz their are plenty of awesome ppl in this world and you don't need a hi g school drama queen frienemy!

Thank you for your posts Lost_in_the_woods. I'm not sure what category I fit into with my (former) friend. The dynamic of our friendship was that she was/is the overbearing, controlling personality whereas I'm more go-with-the-flow and her doormat. Were we besties? No. But we were good friends. Or so I thought.

Then just yesterday she changed her Facebook online chat status to "off" so despite the fact that she's still Facebook friends with me, I now can't see when she's online anymore. Very telling. Either she found this forum and my post and knows I wrote it about her, or she somehow realized after our brief messaging exchange on Facebook, that I saw through her "too busy to call you ever" story and decided to turn off her Facebook chat. Pfft. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop -- for her to just delete me from Facebook (I'm waiting to see what she does).

And then ironically, my cousin whom I mentioned in this thread did the same thing as my (former) friend with his Facebook chat (turned it off, so he can't be seen when he's online). Like, just rip off the band-aid already and end this friendship that has ceased to exist except for the occasional Facebook conversation until recently.

I started this thread because "busy" is a real pet peeve of mine, and it plays into the passive, codependent part of my personality that I've been trying to change to be more assertive with better interpersonal boundaries (saying "no," speaking up for myself, deserving to have my emotional needs met too, not just the other person).

If I can prioritize my time to show people I care about respect, then why can't other people do the same for me? Esp. people who claim to be my friend?

No one is busy in this world. It's all about priorities. When you prioritize something, you make time for it.

The two people in my family who are always 'busy', late, and so on - both of them have OCD and anxiety disorders. I feel for that; I know what that's like. But what bothers me is that neither of these people do what it takes to at least TRY to deal with their mental illnesses. They refuse to see doctors, refuse therapy, refuse medication - or if they do occasionally go for treatment, don't follow through...bottom line being, consideration for others' time is simply NOT a priority.

Lost in the Woods - 'high school drama queen' is definitely a good description of the 'too busy' people.

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Wow, how rude! This person doesn't sound like a real friend at all! Actions speak louder than words! No one is so busy that they'd go 6 weeks before having the time to return a call! And the fact that she was so cold in her response in an email instead is very telling!

It sounds to me that she might be pulling the "slow fade". Some people do that when they're no longer interested in being friends with someone for whatever reason. Has she always been like that? I would've deleted her from FB a long time ago!

Ignore her and move on. Make better friends and focus on the people who are more considerate and respectful of your feelings. I've had my share of bad friends too. I put up with a lot of crap that I never should've tolerated in the past. One "friend" will often go for two weeks or more before emailing me.

The funny thing is that she'll use the "busy" excuse" too. Recently she kept on saying oh, let's get drinks sometime, but then she never follows through. Well, I read a review of hers on this social site, and guess what? She DID go out for drinks with another friend recently. Obviously she isn't as busy as she says she is. Ugh!

I'm seriously thinking about just ignoring her and blowing her off for good now. I think that it's beyond ridiculous that I went for 9 months w/o seeing her. She lives only half an hour away and she doesn't have any kids. I cut her some slack since she had to work a second job up until recently.

Enough is enough though. She has time for other people, but not me. I know that people do get busy at times, but 9 months? And she's always trying to make plans that never happen which makes me think that she's stringing me along since she can sense me slipping away, idk for sure.

Life is to short to deal with rude people who drive you crazy! Just dump them and try to find better friends!