Infertility

*I know this is long, so if you aren't interested in my history then just the first and last paragraphs are relevant.*

A huge part of why I journeyed down the rabbit hole of dealing with my MI issues is because H and I are in the beginning stages of starting fertility treatments. My childhood was so messed up, and the last thing I want to do is mess up my children because I was unwilling to deal with my mess.

This infertility business all started when I was 14 and had to have emergency surgery to remove an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit that was attached to one of my Fallopian tubes. The cyst had torqued around the tube, cutting off the blood flow to it. Tube had to be removed along with the cyst. Dr. was able to save the ovary though. Gyn who did the surgery had been practicing for 25 years and said she'd never seen anything like it. My case is floating around in a medical journal somewhere.

So from 14 until I got married I was on BCP to regulate my cycle to varying degrees of success (PCOS). When H and I got married I stopped the BCP because we want a big family. So my cycles were very irregular, and my gyn at the time was unconcerned. Then in April of 2013 I was at work one night when I experienced pelvic pain and tons of blood. Wasn't sure what was going on, so I called my gyn and he wasn't concerned. I told friends who were outraged and told me to get a 2nd opinion.

I set up an appointment a few days later with a gyn in a different practice, and they run some blood work. Gyn comes in the room very animated and asks me how far along I am. I'm like, ???

They do an ultrasound and there's nothing. Miscarriage. I didn't even know I was pregnant! So the doctor sees something else on the ultrasound that was concerning so he does a biopsy.

Few days later I get a phone call saying there's a large amount of abnormal growth in my uterus, they need to put me under for an extensive D&C. Surgery happens a few weeks later, and then at the follow up appointment I hear the big C word being thrown around. Some of the polyps were premalignant. It'll probably happen again.

H and I were devastated. We were going to start fertility treatments then, but both H and I lost our jobs a few months later and I was still in college. Not a good time.

Fast forward to now. I graduated in May with my bachelors degree, and my teaching job comes with decent enough benefits to really start going at this again. Hard. Gyn thinks if the polyps come back that they'll almost certainly lead to uterine cancer, so we're being aggressive. Gyn wants me to lose some weight before we start any more fertility meds than I'm currently on. Was down 6 pounds in the last month when I went in for my check up. I go back again in May.

I know this was long and no one probably cares, but this all plays such a big role in why I'm here and working on my MI. The fact that H and I have been married for 7 years and only one failed pregnancy adds to the feelings of worthlessness and inadequately that I feel. I don't want to post to just give updates on progress, but to deal with the emotional pain that follows suit. My T is empathetic, but also a man, so he doesn't really get it.

Infertility is devastating for women. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. Please try to stop blaming yourself and running yourself down. When you do have a child, you'll want to model self love.

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know infertility too well, it took 5 years to get pregnant with my son and another 5 years to get pregnant to #2 that I lost to the baby dying at 13 weeks. We tried fertility treatments but I had an anaphylactic reaction to the meds so we had to stop. I also have PCOS, had it since I was 16, I also have endometriosis which was discovered at 40.

Wanting a baby is so hard when your body does not work right. Are you on metformin? It was what did the trick for me the first time around.

If you need to talk I am usually around.

I can't even imagine how I would feel if I ended up being allergic to medications. I'm sorry that you had to go through that

I am on Metformin, which I started back in November. My current dr is the first one who was willing to actually treat the PCOS versus saying "well, it's not abnormal." My dr wants me to continue the Met and lose weight before we progress further. I'm hoping that it works but I haven't had a natural cycle since starting treatment.

It took me a year on met before I got pregnant, so you could be similar. Losing weight is so hard with PCOS, good luck.

Wanted to update on everything that's going on. I'm not sure how much, but I know that I'm continuing to lose weight. I can nearly fit into one of my goal dresses.

I didn't mention this it seems in my first post, but my Dr had prescribed phentermine to help me lose weight. I stopped taking it about 2 weeks ago because it was causing insomnia and suicidal thoughts. I feel much better mentally than I did before, plus I'm still losing weight.

Was getting ready to start another round of Provera to induce a cycle, but I actually started a cycle on my own! First natural cycle since February 2014.

I can't wait to see my Dr to share the news. Was supposed to see him tomorrow, but he ended up out of the office this week. Rescheduled the appointment for the first week of June. Torn between wanting to start Clomid or keep trying to lose weight. I'm down at least 10 lbs in the last 3 months, maybe more. Looking overall, I'm the smallest I've been in years. Probably why my cycle came naturally.

I am crossing my fingers and wishing you well in your ventures to start a family with your H. May you have great success!!

MY BLOG IS NOW CONVENIENTLY LOCATED HERE!!
[UPDATED: 4/30/2017]

LIFE IS TOO SHORT, TOO VALUABLE AND TOO PRECIOUS A THING TO WASTE!!

Great news! If it were me I would probably start the clomid, but I was 35 when I got pregnant and that made a difference in our thinking. I was actually supposed to start clomid the day after I got my positive preg test (on day 82 of my cycle).

That's awesome that you were able to get pregnant on your own! I am feeling the same way, even though I'm only 29. Our fear is that if we wait too long I'll end up having to have a hysterectomy or undergo cancer treatment. So I'm trying to lose, but I also have baby fever.

At 48 I still have baby fever!

Was thinking about this thread today. Saw my doctor at the beginning of June. He prescribed a round of Clomid, and just took the first one. Fingers crossed!

Good luck!

Is this the same gym that did your surgery? I had!the same issue and they weren't able to save my ovary. I lost my ovary and tube in the right but kept my left. My left I had a cyst but were able to save. My gyn then told me that I could still get pregnant. I did get pregnant. One of the pregnancies I had placenta previa and my other I was on bed rest because we weren't sure if I was going to abort or not. Little issues with both when I had to give birth so both c-section. I would look for a good second opinion. I had fibroids and they thought polyps. I have some hormonal issues but I'm on nothing right now.

No, my gyn who did my surgery back in 2002 retired probably 10 years ago. I'm glad that they were able to save both ovaries. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in some of the struggles that I've had. I know that due to my previous experiences, I'll be a "high risk" pregnancy, so some of the issues that you experienced I'm semi prepared for. I've heard that placenta previa is incredibly scary. It's nice to hear that you have 2 children despite your struggles. It gives me hope.

In my area, most gynecologists are part of one of two massive practices (the one I visit has 40 doctors). I went to the other practice first, which was the one with the doctor who was ambivalent about my miscarriage. I'm happy with the care I'm receiving now, but so appreciate your concern.

At least your in good hands now. When I had my surgery my gyn was great but didn't quite inform me as to what to expect later. I did my last gyn know but I guess he wasn't as informed as well. it was just a frustrating and mind boggling waiting game when you're pn bed rest and not sure if you're going to abort or not. Luckily everything turned out well. He flipped last minute and came out with jaundiced and a heart murmur. My other one had a bit of issues breathing and was in nicu for a little bit. He then had surgery at 6 weeks for pyloric stenosis. His stomach couldn't empty well into his intestines. Yes it was two complicated births. The first thing my gym said to me when he did the surgery is that I could still have children. Hoping everything goes well for you. Yes there is hope.