[Have Hope]

I think so. So does this author:

"By “cheating” I mean that using porn is breaking a vow—either implicitly or explicitly—made to one’s spouse. This is because marriage is, in part, about sexual exclusivity; it is about “forsaking all others.”

This is why so many women say using porn feels like cheating: the act of seeking out another woman for sexual pleasure—even if she is hidden behind a veil of pixels and a sleazy acting agency—is not a movement towards faithfulness, but away from it.

... people have been blinded by the sense of distance the digital world places between ourselves and the real world. We believe something doesn’t count as much if it is “online” or “on television” or “just fantasy.” We rename offenses: stealing becomes downloading, cruelty becomes speaking one’s mind, and exploitation becomes entertainment. We have settled for what Chris Hedges calls an empire of illusion. “Pornography does not promote sex, if one defines sex as a shared act between two partners. It promotes masturbation,” Hedges writes. “It promotes the solitary auto-arousal that precludes intimacy and love. Pornography is about getting yourself off at someone else’s expense.”

Yes, Using Porn Is Cheating. Here's Why.

[TishaBuv]

It depends on the partner’s feelings about it. Some women are very adamant their partners never look at porn. I’ve noticed that often on here.

Personally, I haven’t given it too much thought. I was not aware if any of my bf’s did. One of my bf’s frequented strip clubs, and I never objected to it. But that relationship never became committed and ended.

My husband never gave me reason to think about if he was looking or not. There was a time, though, where he spent a lot of time on this porn joke website that was free. It didn’t bother me until we were really having problems where I felt he was not showing interest me in, and I felt resentful he had interest in that site. The site went out of business, so that was the end of that.

He’s not a frequenter of strip clubs. He’s gone on rare occasions, and I have no problem with that. I’ve even gone with him a few times. I’d only have a problem, if he frequented them.

I give him his privacy and wouldn’t demand to see his phone to see if he looks at porn. So if he does, I don’t know, and I don’t care.

As for all things that are cheating, you could say that even having fantasies about others is cheating. Aren’t we all guilty of that in some form?

[Have Hope]

Thanks @TishaBuv for your thoughts! I think everyone will have a different type of response to the issue of porn within a committed relationship. It's a subjective issue, really and very much individual. To some women, it may not bother them one bit if their partner views and gets off on porn. Some may also participate with their partners in it. Many women are bothered by it though, and I've seen it online being expressed too many times. I am glad it's not an issue for you. For me it's a big issue.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Thanks @TishaBuv for your thoughts! I think everyone will have a different type of response to the issue of porn within a committed relationship. It's a subjective issue, really and very much individual. To some women, it may not bother them one bit if their partner views and gets off on porn. Some may also participate with their partners in it. Many women are bothered by it though, and I've seen it online being expressed too many times. I am glad it's not an issue for you. For me it's a big issue.

One time, my husband went to a bachelor party which was, of course, at a strip club. I was amused when he came home and said that he had a lousy time because the women in the club kept going on about how much money they made and that their cars were nicer than all the guys’ were! He was too jealous to be aroused, lol.

If you’re from a religious culture, though, those men probably don’t look at porn or go to strip clubs. They are forsaking all others and that is important to them. It’s not a struggle to find a partner with the same values as you to start with, rather than trying to change one who doesn’t share those values.

[Have Hope]

When I met my husband I told him I didn't like porn and that I wouldn't date anyone who watched or used porn. I didn't try to change him; he simply decided to not use it anymore because he wanted to date me. And now he agrees with me that it's a form of cheating.

[Have Hope]

Here's what Dr. Phil says about porn in a committed relationship:

"It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.
Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it's gone too far.

Pornography isn't real, it's a fantasy. It's makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It's also somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She's demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she's being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It's not healthy, it's not natural and it's not normal.

Viewing internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.

You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship."

Is Porn Cheating?

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Here's what Dr. Phil says about porn in a committed relationship:

"It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.
Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it's gone too far.

Pornography isn't real, it's a fantasy. It's makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It's also somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She's demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she's being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It's not healthy, it's not natural and it's not normal.

Viewing internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.

You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship."

Is Porn Cheating?

While you have every right to your feelings about it and what you need from your relationship, not everyone feels the same way. This Dr. Phil article is bullying and invalidating to other people’s feelings. If ‘the norm’ is what most people are doing, then using porn to some, small degree most likely is ‘normal’ in American society, at least.

I’m with you in not wanting my partner to have an addiction and put me at risk. I’m a little lax regarding things done rarely and in moderation. Plus, I have plenty of fantasies that I enjoy. My husband is fine with that and probably does the same. I don’t mind about what is in our minds. Neither is cheating physically.

I’m completely supportive of you feeling how you feel though. There is no right answer.

[Have Hope]

@TishaBuv, I have my viewpoint and I agree with Dr Phil’s assessment. He’s not the only professional psychologist who states these things. I stated above that everyone has their own opinions and feelings on this issue. It’s totally subjective. And it’s fine if someone is more lax and believes the opposite of me. I don’t even really care. To each their own. Don’t be offended by what I’m posting or take it personally. You have your views and I have mine. Dr Phil has his and he’s very forthcoming on his view. I don’t see it as bullying at all. He’s adamant in his viewpoint that porn is harmful to relationships. I’m not posting to argue with anyone or debate over it. I’m posting to open women's eyes to the underlying implications of porn..

I had an ex who was addicted to porn and it became very harmful to me, to our relationship and to our intimacy level. I see this as being a very valid and real issue. It does offend many women in their relationships with men, and it can become hurtful. Just because you’re lax about it doesn’t mean other women aren’t hurt by it. Many women feel cheated on when their partner is frequently viewing porn. Many women feel inadequate and like they can’t measure up. As I said, to each their own. It’s subjective.

Every relationship is also different and everyone has their own boundaries of what is acceptable and what’s not acceptable. What matters is what YOU are comfortable with. If you want to fantasize about sex with other men that’s your prerogative. And if you’re ok with your husband fantasizing about sex with other women, then that’s fine. Some couples have agreed upon open marriages; some have threesomes or swing. All of that is FINE as long as no one is getting harmed or hurt within the coupledom.

Like I said, this is simply my own viewpoint and boundary limit of where I stand on marriage, commitment, fidelity and saying "I do" forever to someone. I firmly believe in the above statement that "...marriage is, in part, about sexual exclusivity; it is about “forsaking all others.” Maybe you don't agree with that, which is perfectly fine.

Women in our society are also conditioned to think and believe that they must accept porn and their partner watching porn, even if it offends them or hurts their feelings. I take a stand on that and say that we don't have to accept it IF it makes us uncomfortable, insecure and feeling unworthy. Women are taught to be more submissive to the male. I am NOT one of those women.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

:It's an interesting thought, Have Hope, that women (as in reality it seems to be) should not feel bad about asking their partner to abstain. It hadn't really occurred to me, to be honest, but I can now almost hear an audible sigh of relief from womankind.

My anti-depressant has pretty much shrivelled my urges but I've always had a high sex drive and certainly used porn. (there's plenty of women-friendly erotica out there). I still do, occasionally. The Fifty Shades phenomenon proved, I think, that women can be as dirty-minded as men.

I've not minded partners doing the same.

So, as you say, it's just down to a couple each time working out what's OK.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

:It's an interesting thought, Have Hope, that women (as in reality it seems to be) should not feel bad about asking their partner to abstain. It hadn't really occurred to me, to be honest, but I can now almost hear an audible sigh of relief from womankind.

My anti-depressant has pretty much shrivelled my urges but I've always had a high sex drive and certainly used porn. (there's plenty of women-friendly erotica out there). I still do, occasionally. The Fifty Shades phenomenon proved, I think, that women can be as dirty-minded as men.

I've not minded partners doing the same.

So, as you say, it's just down to a couple each time working out what's OK.

Thanks @Purple,Violet,Blue! Yes it totally comes down to individual preferences and also a couple’s ability to talk openly about it. I don’t think women should feel bad at all if they want to ask their partner to abstain, if it feels harmful to the female and therefore to the relationship overall. And men who truly care for their partner, who respect their partner and who care about their partner’s feelings, should be able to abstain for the health and sake of the relationship. That is what true love and partnership involves after all.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Purple,Violet,Blue

:It's an interesting thought, Have Hope, that women (as in reality it seems to be) should not feel bad about asking their partner to abstain. It hadn't really occurred to me, to be honest, but I can now almost hear an audible sigh of relief from womankind.

My anti-depressant has pretty much shrivelled my urges but I've always had a high sex drive and certainly used porn. (there's plenty of women-friendly erotica out there). I still do, occasionally. The Fifty Shades phenomenon proved, I think, that women can be as dirty-minded as men.

I've not minded partners doing the same.

So, as you say, it's just down to a couple each time working out what's OK.

Thanks @Purple,Violet,Blue! Yes it totally comes down to individual preferences and also a couple’s ability to talk openly about it. I don’t think women should feel bad at all if they want to ask their partner to abstain, if it feels harmful to the female and therefore to the relationship overall. And men who truly care for their partner, who respect their partner and who care about their partner’s feelings, should be able to abstain for the health and sake of the relationship. That is what true love and partnership involves after all.

[Have Hope]

Oops that posted twice. Lol.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Oops that posted twice. Lol.

It was worth repeating!

[TishaBuv]

I do agree with everything you are saying and feeling about this. I know the whole subject is very sensitive for many.

[Have Hope]

@TishaBuv, thank you. Yes, it is a sensitive topic for many and can be a controversial one.

[Have Hope]

What's also interesting to me: my husband told me that porn is really bad for relationships because the man starts thinking of the porn while he's having sex with his partner. For me, that is most unsettling. I don't want my partner imagining porn scenes or another woman while he's having intimate and supposedly loving sex with me. That just creeps me out, but I'm sure it happens, probably more often than we even know about.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

What's also interesting to me: my husband told me that porn is really bad for relationships because the man starts thinking of the porn while he's having sex with his partner. For me, that is most unsettling. I don't want my partner imagining porn scenes or another woman while he's having intimate and supposedly loving sex with me. That just creeps me out, but I'm sure it happens, probably more often than we even know about.

Mine told me he is visual and only is in the moment there with me. I’m not sure I truly believe him. My low self esteem maybe. I am there with him, but I also go somewhere else in my mind. I have intimacy issues. It could come from a sexual assault from when I was younger. I think I dissociate tbh.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Mine told me he is visual and only is in the moment there with me. I’m not sure I truly believe him. My low self esteem maybe. I am there with him, but I also go somewhere else in my mind. I have intimacy issues. It could come from a sexual assault from when I was younger. I think I dissociate tbh.

Very sorry to hear you were sexually assaulted when young. Having intimacy issues and disassociating make perfect sense. It's nice though that your husband says he's just there with you and you alone.

[TishaBuv]

He says men are visual, while women are emotional when it comes to arousal. That may also be a reason men generally like to look at porn, while women may prefer romance or fantasies.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

He says men are visual, while women are emotional when it comes to arousal. That may also be a reason men generally like to look at porn, while women may prefer romance or fantasies.

Well, my husband and I make our own porn. lol. Without the actual video taping. And yes, men are more visual and porn is geared more towards men than women, generally speaking.

[Goforward]

IMO porn is a bad idea in any circumstance but especially in marriage. It is cheating just as an emotional affair is cheating. In both there is no touching but there is an implied physical relationship.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Goforward

IMO porn is a bad idea in any circumstance but especially in marriage. It is cheating just as an emotional affair is cheating. In both there is no touching but there is an implied physical relationship.

Thanks for your thoughts, and I agree with you!!! I've told my husband that it's a form of cheating. If I ever caught him using porn, it would rip my heart out and it would probably be the end.

[sarahsweets]

I got married when I was 20, I am 45 now so in september we will have 25 years of marriage. Neither of us even understood the implications of porn. In the early days we sometimes looked at porn together, me thinking it was ok if it was the both of us. Neither of us really liked it we were just under the assumption that its what couples do. We had a conversation about a year into our marriage and as it turns out he felt uncomfortable about it and so did I! We were just too young and inexperienced to realize that society shouldnt dictate how we expressed our love for one another through sex. He told me he felt guilty and I told him I felt guilty so we never watched it again. He told me he loved me, and that his fantasies were about me. He is a good man. He was the one who told me that it was all fake and that he almost felt unfaithful watching even though we were doing it together. I told him I felt guilty because it bothered me but I never said anything and he said he never said anything because he thought I wanted it. We were so silly. We are best friends so I have no idea how we got our wires crossed regarding porn. I sort of grew up assuming its what guys did or what couples did to keep the spark alive. Thing is we were newly weds, our spark was fine. This was roughly 23 years ago and when we both let our feelings out we laughed because neither of us thought it was right we just thought it was normal.
I know he doesnt look at porn on his own. I have never had any reason to check up on him but if I needed to use his phone or laptop for something he didnt act scared or weird, he just lets me. I feel if he was watching porn behind my back he would have been against me using his stuff and he wasnt at all.
Years later we had a chat about it and he said he didnt believe its right because i deserve respect- I agreed to the same. I would be really hurt if I found out he was looking at porn. In society a lot of young men are taught that porn is normal and has nothing to do with their partners. I think thats a crock. I suppose if both parties agree and do it whenever maybe its not an issue but I find that hard to believe. Why would I want too feel inferior because I dont have hug boobs, perfect hair and makeup and a perfect body? It is not a "right of passage".

I watched a piece on teen boys who watched porn and how it made emotional and physical intimacy difficult because they were sort of desensitized to normal love making. I believe it is true. At this point in the game I would be so upset. We were both upset when we were young but didnt talk about it. Thank god we did or maybe we wouldnt have made it 25 years.