Men, Bachelor Parties, Strip Clubs and Male Debauchery

Ok. I am having a really hard time and it's not even my faince's friend's bachelor party yet.

I ABHOR strip clubs, porn and all the male debauchery that goes on at men's bachelor parties. My fiance says he's not into this stuff.. anymore.

Now, there's a close friend of his who has a bachelor party coming up. I am kind of freaking out over the possibility of strip clubs and strippers, etc. Granted, I do not YET know the details.

But I don't know how to handle things IF and when this stuff is going to occur. He has more than one male unmarried friend, so this is going to come up again and again.

I know I cannot tell my fiance what to do. It's his friends, his friend's party, and I have to basically suck it up, be a good wife, and say "OK, honey, have a great time!!!" when I am literally DYING inside, crying and screaming "No, please don't go!!!!!"

I don't want my soon to be husband staring at other hot, naked women who are dancing all sexy and insinuating, coming onto him right in front of him. How absolutely insulting to ME. THAT'S HOW I FEEL.

But please do not bash me for how I feel. PLEASE. This is how I feel about it, and it literally makes me so sick to my stomach... just the thought of him being there staring at beautiful naked women, and possibly getting turned on by it.

So my question: HOW do women handle this???? Seriously? And I mean those women whom it bothers?

Also, PLEASE do me a favor, and don't tell me to NOT let it get to me, when it DOES get to me, FULLY. Thanks!

I am looking for support from women around this issue that many of us have to deal with.

And WHY do men even have to do this sexual ritual before they get married? I mean what the heck??

Thank you so much. I'm kind of freaking out.

ME TOO. I used to feel differently. I used to be the "cool" girlfriend who never complained when the BF went to the strip joint even though I felt like my heart was breaking.
I got married young. My husband's "bachelor" party was beer and clams with his dad, brother and uncle. Its just how it worked out. We have been married for nearly 24 years. So, thinking about how "cool" and understanding I was..we went to Vegas about 8 or 9 years ago and I decided that we were both going to go to a "reputable" strip club because I wanted to see what goes on. THAT experience changed my mind. Of course the girls were all interested in me thinking my husband and I must be into threesomes or something. This girls crotch in her tiny g string was LITERALLY on my hand. She danced all around and flung various body parts into our faces. She kept trying to get us to buy a private deal in the "champaigne" room. But guess what? Mid-boobs-in-the-face- she stopped and looked at us and asked us for more money-more or less like that. I spoke up and lied and said we only had 40$ left because we lost at gambling. And she said "well you only need 20$ for the cab back right?"
These girls want your money and they will do almost whatever you want for it.
True that you do not know the details but your feelings are valid.
The way to handle it is to have a conversation when there isnt already and invite. Before a party even comes up you need to share how you feel and hear what he says.
Yes he is a grown man, but he is a grown man in love with you. Your feelings are valid and he should be willing to say no to the strippers and strip clubs. It does not make you insecure. To me, insecure is jealousy over every female in his life. It is not insecure to feel jealous,hurt or anger over nearly completely naked women shoving their breasts in his face, portraying sexual acts or grinding on him with only a line bit of nylon and string between her no-no zone and his body. WTF wouldn't feel insecure? I do not subscribe to or buy the idea that "men will be men" or "its what they do".
No. Men are not raised to go out to a club where other women who they are not engaged to rub and drape themselves all over them AND doing it with one hand out for the next 20$. The men in my life do not want meaningless physical stimulation. They were raised to treasure a sexual relationship and the love they have for their partner.
Someone would have to be a real asshole to bash you over this post or insult you. Not that there needs to be a right and wrong but I believe you are right to feel this way. How would your finacee feel about you going to a male review where they rub their junk on you and you put dollars in their g-strings? I bet he would not like it. You absolutely need to tell him-now- regardless of what plans are made yet with the friends' party. This is an important convo to have and it can set the path for how strip clubs and strippers are to be dealt with in the future. He needs to know after your conversation that the answer is always no. That it will always hurt you and make you feel uncomfortable. This way he wont even have to ask.
I do not know the complete history behind the sleezy bachelor party. In idea and theory the guy is getting tied down by a wife (ball n chain) and he will have no more fun and cant chase skirts and womanize(as if your BF did that and had to stop- like no-its never ok). So the party is the "last hurrah" a "free-for-all" where he is supposed to sow his oats before the hell of marriage begins.
How. Quaint. Its so dumb. Ridiculous.[/SIZE][/COLOR][/FONT]

Sarah, I cannot thank you enough!!!!!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

I feel very validated and assured that my feelings are not wrong, and it's not just me being insecure. I, too, have been to a female strip club just to see what happens there. And I witnessed it all. It's disgusting.

You're right. I should talk to him about this SOON.... and before specific plans are made. I have therapy tomorrow night too. I am going to run this by her to get her input as well on how to approach it with him.

But even the thought of him going hurts me deeply. It SUCKS.

And I agree with you about this ridiculous marriage ritual --- as though what? They're never going to have any sex ever again because they're married?!?!? And things can't get wild and crazy with their own wives????? It makes me SO ILL... especially the men who actually sleep with a woman/hooker before they get married!!! Which does happen. I know my fiance would never ever ever dream of doing something like that. I'm just saying it happens.

UGH. I am not looking forward to this conversation though, OR to him going to this bachelor party AT ALL. I am totally dreading it.

I really hate all that stuff too. I would have an honest conversation with your fiancé before you get really upset. Your feelings about this are going to come up one way or another so I always think it’s best to get things out from the beginning. Maybe your fiancé doesn’t even plan on going? Also, it sounds like you two have a very strong relationship and this kind of stuff doesn’t strike me as his idea of fun anymore. I’m sure that an honest conversation with him will clear this up.

I personally know a stripper, know very well, she stripped in different states and different clubs, sad story overall.

Strip clubs are places where drugs are bought and sold. Most of not all women working there have one or the other problem with drugs and alcohol. Partly because it’s just a big part of that life but also because in order to do it night after night they typically need to be intoxicated.

Also many women are already addicts when they go into this profession, it’s fast way to make money and easier way to get drugs.

Person I know has never done it not being high or otherwise under some influence and she initially started it being addicted to heavy drugs (dint recall what it was), same with many others.

Eventually they need to strip more because they need to finance their drug/alcohol needs, also more often then not they move on to other sexual activities with clients, not just stripping, simply because it pays better.

Many women there are abused and forced into it by men in their life. A woman I am talking about got into it forced by her abusive felon husband (who is currently serving time in prison). He was pretty much her pimp and drug supplier. She said that’s how many get into it, and continue being into it, being pimped into it. And they must bring certain amount home to their pimps.

Now there are women who do it for short period of time to make fast money and then get out but many get sucked in for years. Until they can’t do it anymore, which is another sad sad story all in itself. Years lost on this often is followed by regret of years wasted.

So men who frequent strip bars need to learn more about it and understand that he contributes to abuse of women, drug dependency etc oh and in some shady clubs some women might be working underage. Yes. That happens.

My husband wouldn’t be caught dead in strip clubs. This is my second marriage, my ex husband wouldn’t do such thing either. I never had serious relationship with any man who was into this stuff or had friends like. Just not the type. No it’s not something “men do”. No they don’t. Some do because that’s the life style they lead or that’s who they are friends with. It’s not “men” thing. It’s life style thing.

I am absolutely not insecure whatsoever, but I don’t want to be with these kind of men and I don’t want my man to attend such venues. It’s not about insecurity, it’s about standards and dealbreakers. Or rather I don’t want to be with a man for whom it’s even an option. So to answer your question how women handle it. I never had to handle it but it wouldn’t work for me. To be specific I’d not tolerate it.

I absolutely will talk to your fiancée just to see what his plans are. I understand if your fiancée is put into a position of having to join his friends for bachelor party in strip club. Maybe he can’t say no. So I am not saying you should give him ultimatums. But he needs to know how you feel about these kinds of activities, if he already doesn’t know. I absolutely wouldn’t be quiet about it or telling him to go have a good time. No not happening

Thanks, Divine! Yes, I am definitely aware of the drug and abuse aspect. Very sadly, my best friend in high school ended up as a stripper and a drug addict. She funded her addiction by stripping.

My fiance is well aware of my feelings already, but we have not yet discussed the possibility of strip clubs at this bachelor party, or any other bachelor party that may come up. He told me that the last one he went to, he stayed back in the hotel room and did not go to the clubs. So I would tend to think given how I feel and given his last experience, he will not go. But we do need to discuss it specifically and probably very soon. I need to find a good time to bring it up. Thanks again.

Thanks, Sisabel.

Yes, we do have a very strong relationship. I don't know what's been discussed with his friend, if anything. He hasn't told me anything of it yet. But yeah, we need to talk about it.

Thanks again. I really appreciate your support around this!!!

I dont mean to offend any strippers but for example..a club about 20 minutes from me just got busted for allowing customers to pay for sex and sexual favors so it happens..

I’d also bring it up to your fiancée IF he considers attending those type of venues that with rampant sex trafficking, he can never know that whoever is in front of him isn’t being trafficked and is a sex slave and not free will woman making some money. We just had another sex trafficking prevention training and you won’t believe how many sex workers/strip club workers are not doing it out of free will. And whatever men paying these poor women isn’t ending in their pockets, it goes straight to traffickers.

I hope he isn’t going there. It sounds like he isn’t up to it. That’s good.

Very true!

What happened to that guy's comment? Guess it wasn't allowed here, I imagine. Ok, moving on!

I was not thrilled by my therapist tonight. She did not sympathize much and pretty much said, "well that's just what men do". I was like "thanks". Clearly you could care less about these things. Sometimes I think she's very good, then other times I think she doesn't get me at all. Basically, she was very little help on this issue. The one thing she said was wait until more plans come to fruition, and trust your fiance's judgement first. Allow him to know you trust his judgement. Something like that.

I am impressed by the good answers given by women on this thread. I hadn't thought this through myself before so I appreciate especially how clearly Divine1966 contradicted the idea that "all men are like that". Isn't it great to hear about some sane male-female bonding!!!

Your therapist has a right to her personal opinion, but I think you have some great answers here from women which contradict her. Divine made me realise that we (women and men) both have choice about how we express sexuality, we don't have to do stuff because someone brainwashes us with "everyone does that".

thanks all!

Eve, I agree with those who suggested you talk with your fiance about how you feel. From what you said so far it sounds like strip clubs are not his "thing" anyhow.

I don't believe going to strip clubs is "just something men do." We can't call all of any group the same.

My hubby, his best friend and some friends they hadn't seen since college went to a club the night before the friend got married. I did not have a problem with it at the time. I know hubby was kind of embarrassed by it. That was 30 years ago. I'd probably have a problem with it if it was now given what I know about sex trafficking at clubs.

Shame on anyone who comes down on you for not wanting your fiance to go to the club. Your feelings are your own. Nobody gets to tell you what you should or shouldn't feel.

Thank you!

It's just been my own experience that this is frequently what men do. Every boyfriend I've had has been to bachelor parties where this happens. I believe it's more the norm than not. Plus, it's also how my therapist worded it "it's what men do".

I will definitely talk to him, when the time is right. There hasn't been an appropriate window of opportunity yet for me to bring it up.

I talked to him! I brought it up last night, and he said in reply to my sentiments that he definitely will not join in if strip clubs are involved. He said he will never go to one again, if that suits me and also confirmed that he has no interest. YAY!

Quote:

Originally Posted by golden_eve I talked to him! I brought it up last night, and he said in reply to my sentiments that he definitely will not join in if strip clubs are involved. He said he will never go to one again, if that suits me and also confirmed that he has no interest. YAY!

Good for you and good for him!

Yes phew!!