My friend is a housewife/ stay-at-home-mom, and she gets judged by some ladies for not working. But why does she have to justify her lifestyle? It's not like she is refusing to work and asking others for help. Her husband makes enough money so she is not bothering anyone for anything.

Originally Posted by ennie

My friend is a housewife/ stay-at-home-mom, and she gets judged by some ladies for not working. But why does she have to justify her lifestyle? It's not like she is refusing to work and asking others for help. Her husband makes enough money so she is not bothering anyone for anything.

Many women unfortunately tend to be very judgmental of other women for any reason you can imagine...women who don't work...women who don't procreate...women who don't marry...women who marry early...women who marry late...working mothers...stay-at-home mothers...women who wear make-up...women who don't wear make-up...women who are thin...women who are not thin....women who partner with women...women who exercise while pregnant...women who do not exercise while pregnant....women who breast-feed their baby...women who use formula to nourish their babies...women who opt for natural childbirth...women who do not or cannot opt for natural childbirth....women who choose to have an abortion...girls who choose to have an abortion...women forced to have an abortion....girls forced to have an abortion....women living with a disability....women living without a disability....women who march to the beat of a different drum...women who conform....women of color....immigrant women...women of faith...atheist women.

I am sorry your friend is being judged. Perhaps she can be friends with some rational men-folk?

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

Perhaps she can be friends with some rational men-folk?

Not sure if her husband would be ok with that (LOL).

And not sure what they mean when they say she needs to be
"contributing" when they have five kids. She does contribute in so many ways even though not financially. All the effort she puts into her household/ home schooling is priceless.

Originally Posted by ennie

Not sure if her husband would be ok with that (LOL).

And not sure what they mean when they say she needs to be
"contributing" when they have five kids. She does contribute in so many ways even though not financially. All the effort she puts into her household/ home schooling is priceless.

Is it possible that some friends are jealous of her? Nice hub with good job etc. Whether or not she contributes is not their business. That would be like asking what she pays for her mortgage each month...a boundary issue. I don't know them but I imagine they are playing out some sort of personal insecurity. Perhaps they secretly envy her lifestyle in some way??

And yes, she is obviously working hard in life...there are various forms of work. Work in the home is of no less value than out. Sorry she has some judgmental folks around. Not a nice feeling.

[sarahsweets]

YES! I have fought this for years. I stayed home with my three kids and am still home. I take care of my husband and do all the "traditional" housewifey things. My youngest is 15 and she still needs me and loves that I am home. I can take care of her when she is sick and there is usually a nice meal when everyone comes home. I had so many women say things like:
"i wish I could afford to stay home"
"Why dont you volunteer, youre home anyway"
"must be nice"
"Do you ever think about doing something with your life?"
We give all sorts of credit to farmers raising cows and pigs and here I am raising HUMANS and I have to justify myself.

[romantic rose]

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

Many women unfortunately tend to be very judgmental of other women for any reason you can imagine...women who don't work...women who don't procreate...women who don't marry...women who marry early...women who marry late...working mothers...stay-at-home mothers...women who wear make-up...women who don't wear make-up...women who are thin...women who are not thin....women who partner with women...women who exercise while pregnant...women who do not exercise while pregnant....women who breast-feed their baby...women who use formula to nourish their babies...women who opt for natural childbirth...women who do not or cannot opt for natural childbirth....women who choose to have an abortion...girls who choose to have an abortion...women forced to have an abortion....girls forced to have an abortion....women living with a disability....women living without a disability....women who march to the beat of a different drum...women who conform....women of color....immigrant women...women of faith...atheist women.

So true, women can be absolute *****es. And bringing up kids is a full time job in itself, it's conditioning that makes people think everyone should have a paid job and be paying taxes or they don't deserve to exist. Parenting is work, just because you are not contributing tax does not mean it is less valuable; it's one of the most important jobs to get right in the world, as you are shaping the personality, values and health of human beings, which will affect what kind of life they have, and how they treat and are treated by others.

[healingme4me]

Reminds me of the online wars when my then husband and I were looking at the numbers and sorting through long term goals with the kids. I was working full time 52weeks a year when my oldest was born. Daycare was $297/week at that time. There was no price/bundle deal for 2 kids in daycare. Was $600/week even going to be worth it? Could budgets be adjusted to stay home? Was the extra few dollars(well I think closer to $50) a month at that time worth the aggregation? Wouldn't it be better to be there for the kids? Not have to dip into unpaid fmla time when called out for fevers etc?
So stay at home it was. I became pregnant just as I was handing in my resignation anyways with baby #3. I had had a lengthy maternity leave with baby #2 and had a true taste for what being home would feel like.
Even now I work school hours and I do really enjoy being here for them especially entering the teen years which was a very huge part of that stay home discussion.
I see so many before and after school programs along with summer programs for working families and that's a fair means to ensuring kids are safe and occupied.
But judgement...I've no room for at all.
I wouldn't judge a working mom as I don't know her details and I certainly wouldn't judge a mom home either as I don't know hers either.
Tossing who contributes what when and where to taxes and society?? Are they out of their minds?

I just want to share that I am not a parent. My mother stayed at home to raise myself and my siblings while our father worked. Later, my mother returned to work due to financial problems. I have a sister who is a working mother. She loves her children and her job. Our other sister (not a parent) deems her "selfish" and "not a good mother" because she is a working parent. (???)

I support all women. Mothers or not. Staying at home or out in the workplace. If only we could be kind and understanding toward each other regardless of our differing life choices. This world will bring each of us plenty of knocks and falls, men and women, and so the petty judgments and comparisons only serve to add more pain.

I recently chatted with a new mother who feels that she gets judged by various people in her life for every single parenting decision she makes. I believe the only other person who should be weighing in on those decisions is her husband. Other folks should mind their own.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

YES! I have fought this for years. I stayed home with my three kids and am still home. I take care of my husband and do all the "traditional" housewifey things. My youngest is 15 and she still needs me and loves that I am home. I can take care of her when she is sick and there is usually a nice meal when everyone comes home. I had so many women say things like:
"i wish I could afford to stay home"
"Why dont you volunteer, youre home anyway"
"must be nice"
"Do you ever think about doing something with your life?"
We give all sorts of credit to farmers raising cows and pigs and here I am raising HUMANS and I have to justify myself.

Such condescending comments you received Sarah! Yikes. I could share the delightful comments I receive as a woman who has never been pregnant but I don't want to derail the thread

[downandlonely]

I am not a mother myself, but my friends who are mothers say other mothers can be very judgmental of the way they raise their children. One friend can't breastfeed due to breast reduction surgery, and other mothers still give her a hard time for using formula. I am in no position to judge of course, but I don't think other mothers are really either.

I'm sorry about your friend, and I agree that raising 5 kids is work. I can't imagine doing that.

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

We give all sorts of credit to farmers raising cows and pigs and here I am raising HUMANS and I have to justify myself.

Great point, Sarah!

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I am not a mother myself, but my friends who are mothers say other mothers can be very judgmental of the way they raise their children. One friend can't breastfeed due to breast reduction surgery, and other mothers still give her a hard time for using formula. I am in no position to judge of course, but I don't think other mothers are really either.

I'm sorry about your friend, and I agree that raising 5 kids is work. I can't imagine doing that.

Let the woman feed her baby with formula if she wants to. She's not feeding THEIR babies with it so they should mind their own. Boundaries people. Seriously.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

Let the woman feed her baby with formula if she wants to. She's not feeding THEIR babies with it so they should mind their own. Boundaries people. Seriously.

Seriously! I remember being in the hospital when the lactation clinician came around and asked why I wasn't breastfeeding. I kind of scowled and said that all that had been severed due to my own reduction surgery. It must have been baby #2, I was so fed up with nurses after baby #1, for 1)refusing to come grab him like they said they would if I needed him to go to the nursery and 2) for huffing and puffing at the thought of my husband staying in the room with me with baby #1.
I became a "just shove off" type after dealing with my first borns collick the lack of real support after all those platitudes. I'm sure there's many other things that hardened that side of me somewhere along the way.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Seriously! I remember being in the hospital when the lactation clinician came around and asked why I wasn't breastfeeding. I kind of scowled and said that all that had been severed due to my own reduction surgery. It must have been baby #2, I was so fed up with nurses after baby #1, for 1)refusing to come grab him like they said they would if I needed him to go to the nursery and 2) for huffing and puffing at the thought of my husband staying in the room with me with baby #1.
I became a "just shove off" type after dealing with my first borns collick the lack of real support after all those platitudes. I'm sure there's many other things that hardened that side of me somewhere along the way.

I am so sorry that you didn't have thoughtful and caring nurses, Healingme4Me. What a vulnerable and special time to be experiencing such a profound lack of empathy. Sorry that happened to you. My older siblings were born during a time when men were not allowed in the delivery room. I was shocked when my mother told me that years after the fact. Bizarre. How lonely for the mothers. I imagine. Since I have not been there.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

I am so sorry that you didn't have thoughtful and caring nurses, Healingme4Me. What a vulnerable and special time to be experiencing such a profound lack of empathy. Sorry that happened to you. My older siblings were born during a time when men were not allowed in the delivery room. I was shocked when my mother told me that years after the fact. Bizarre. How lonely for the mothers. I imagine. Since I have not been there.

My grandmother told me that when she was giving birth, they would sedate the mother for deliveries.
My mom couldn't have my dad in the room.
It wasn't the delivery room that was the heart of the matter for me, by now fathers get to be present. It was in the room after, where he stayed overnight. It was our first child afterall. That's where the sense of unwelcome came from.

Originally Posted by healingme4me

My grandmother told me that when she was giving birth, they would sedate the mother for deliveries.
My mom couldn't have my dad in the room.
It wasn't the delivery room that was the heart of the matter for me, by now fathers get to be present. It was in the room after, where he stayed overnight. It was our first child afterall. That's where the sense of unwelcome came from.

Have you ever seen the show 'Mad Men?' There's a very interesting scene where Betty Draper is essentially shaved and then knocked out to have her baby. I found it really disturbing.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

Have you ever seen the show 'Mad Men?' There's a very interesting scene where Betty Draper is essentially shaved and then knocked out to have her baby. I found it really disturbing.

I haven't but will check it out. My grandmother spilled the beans about deliveries in the 50s at least as we discussed all these pressures that women place upon one another. Natural v CSection or Epidural or No Epidural and the war it creates, unnecessarily. We're darn lucky to be awake and able to bond immediately never mind the rest of it.

Originally Posted by romantic rose

Parenting is work, just because you are not contributing tax does not mean it is less valuable; it's one of the most important jobs to get right in the world, as you are shaping the personality, values and health of human beings, which will affect what kind of life they have, and how they treat and are treated by others.

You have a valid, sensible argument here.

Why is it that when an educated woman stays home to raise her kids, she is seen as "wasting her degree?"

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

"Do you ever think about doing something with your life?"

Ugh. I'm sorry someone talked to you like that, Sarah.

It's one's attitude in life and how she chooses to spend time that really matters.

A woman's payroll record could say "40 hours," but it does not mean that her day has been more productive than that of a stay-at-home mom.

For example, which of the below had the most productive use of time from noon to 1230 p.m. :

a). A stay-at-home mom who cooked healthy food for her little ones and taught them manners;

or

b). A working woman who spent that time intruding into her co-worker's personal email (since the co-worker went to lunch without signing out of her account...bad idea ), and gossiping about her in the break room.

It's not what one does for living, but the way she lives that really matters.

[Travelinglady]

I think being a housewife is fine. I chose to work some after my children were born, but I think a woman is doing well if she works in the home. Too many children are suffering these days from not really having a stable home life--with a mom there when they return from school.

[Fuzzybear]

Women can be absolute *****es ...

[divine1966]

It’s nobody’s business who does what. But I do resent when people insinuate or directly say that moms have to stay home to provide stable home life for kids. I beg to differ. Last time a woman stayed home in our family was in 1910s, not even 1920s. And we all have stable home lives, stay out of trouble and are successful.

There is no proof that stay home moms provide better home than career driven women. I think people should do whatever the heck they want, provided their partners are on board with it. To each it’s own. But I know that judgment goes both ways

[Lilwren]

The term is so outdated and misogynistic!

Our society has always belittled women … especially women who choose to stay at home. I take great offense that I am treated like I am worthless because I don’t have tax returns from an employer. What if my husband had to pay for all of the services I provide?

Me and the other ‘housewives’ are much more capable than most men! I can hang drywall, fix electrical, change the oil in the car, figure out what herbs heal, find foods that are healthy, grow my own food, provide first aid, do taxes, balance a budget, … and on and on and on. So if a man had that many talents, and skills, what would he be called? A renaissance man? A renaissance man who is revered and admired. What am I called? A housewife! A lowly housewife! According to society I am worthless and don’t contribute and have to justify my choice and existence? Bollocks!

Women who treat you poorly because you take care of the home are just jealous. They are angry that they have to go into the workplace and get a paycheck. Maybe they are jealous that they aren’t as smart or capable or didn’t choose that path.

I truly love staying at home and taking care of the household and learning all the skills I do on a regular basis. I prefer to get joy out of what I do than slugging it out in the workplace. It’s a societal necessity that one partner stay home to care for it, and or, the children and it sucks that the one that stays home is treated with so little respect by our society. Maybe it’s just a capitalist society problem? Regardless … I’m tired of being trivialized by that label!

[Travelinglady]

I read somewhere the amount of money someone would have to pay to do all the things the typical housewife does. I'm sorry people make us think we need to justify being a housewife. It is an honorable profession.

[nicoleflynn]

You don't need to justify....anything that you do. Everyone has an opinion...and yours is the only one that is relevant.