Why are men so cold & unemotional?

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023 at 02:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t experience men as cold or unemotional at all. Go hang out with men in nurturing professions or men who are devoted parents or men who volunteer their time to help others . Not cold at all. Where do you meet them. You might be looking in all wrong places.

Are you talking about like old generations like mid 1900s? I also don’t see anyone being called whimps if they show emotions. It is such outdated info. Or could be cultural like in some areas men are this way. But it’s not prevalent at all.

I have completely given up on trying to be friends with men as all thet ever did was hurt me. Most of them were pigs who were only interested in sex, ugh!

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023 at 02:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Motts

What was your husband like when you two dated? Was his personality aloof and 'cold' the way you describe him now?

Your husband sounds like he's not emotionally available to you in the way that you deserve/need him to be, if he treats you the way you describe:

Have you asked him why he treats you this way? Have you let him know that the way he treats you feels hurtful and disrespectful to you?

I don't think you are too 'sensitive.' Gaslighters use that to undermine their victim's self-confidence. Usually, gaslighters view emotionally available people as a threat to their own emotional vulnerability; a threat because they have chosen to repress whatever trauma they experienced as children from their parents growing up.

I found a blog about emotionally unavailable men for you.

Have you asked him to go to couples counseling with you? That may be a possible next step to help you communicate with him how you feel, without him shutting you down by yelling at you,etc. Sorry to read that you're in this unvalidating kind of relationship with your husband.

Yes, he was always cold & unemotional. He refuses to go to therapy.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023 at 02:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Asking to do some cooking and cleaning isn’t unreasonable since you don’t work. If my husband didn’t work, you bet I’d be asking for housework to get done while I work, normally we split chores but I’d not want to come home after work day with nothing done if he was home all day and was going to concerts and restaurants and festivals and movies and socialized with friends. I’d expect some stuff to get done.

BUT your husband absolutely has no business threatening and mistreating you. He’s abusive. I don’t think the issue is him being cold. He’s rude and mean. And what he’s doing is abuse.

I can ensure you that’s not how all men are at all.

Thanks. He is abusive.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023 at 02:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonightowl

Thanks for talking about someone's own trauma from their OWN parents.

This hits home with me, as both of my parents were emotionally unavailable or immature, hence calling ME "too sensitive" like it's a flaw. So, whether man or woman, if gaslit this way growing up, it will pass on to the next generation unless a conscious effort is made to stop it. I read the analogy that it's like a multi-car pile up on the freeway.

I agree with Motts, that I too am sorry you have that kind of thing with your husband.

Of all people to have ideally emotional closeness with it, it would be one's spouse or partner.

Anyway men are told to "man up"......I'm hoping my generation is better than my parents' generation, hence raising a generation of more emotionally available men. And they in turn raise their sons, etc.

Sorry to hear about what you went through.

divine1966 · Aug 09, 2023 at 02:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

I have completely given up on trying to be friends with men as all thet ever did was hurt me. Most of them were pigs who were only interested in sex, ugh!

That’s the men you are attracted to. That’s not how most men are. Sadly that happens if you are raised by unavailable or neglectful/ abusive parents. Good therapy could help you

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023 at 09:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

That’s the men you are attracted to. That’s not how most men are. Sadly that happens if you are raised by unavailable or neglectful/ abusive parents. Good therapy could help you

Idk if that’s the case or not There were times when men who didn’t even knoe me obviously treated me badly.

I think it’s best to avoid all men. I can’t even trust them in a professional setting too See my latest thread regarding the rude chiropractor

It’s like none of them think that I deserve to be treated with any respect for some odd reason. I don’t get it.

nonightowl · Aug 09, 2023 at 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Motts

snip: Emotional abuse is like a multi-car pile-up for future generations because it never stops. It gets passed on, I believe, at the DNA level.

I said just that in my post yesterday, about the car pile up.

Thanks for validating me.

I never knew the lack of connection between my only sibling is because of the way we were raised. It never occurred to me that because our parents didn't connect with US, WE didn't connect with each other. And they had their own estrangements with their own siblings. My mom didn't even discuss hers; it was like she didn't even have any.

The DNA thing I haven't heard of. THAT is scary....

divine1966 · Aug 09, 2023 at 11:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Idk if that’s the case or not There were times when men who didn’t even knoe me obviously treated me badly.

I think it’s best to avoid all men. I can’t even trust them in a professional setting too See my latest thread regarding the rude chiropractor

It’s like none of them think that I deserve to be treated with any respect for some odd reason. I don’t get it.

I don’t know if avoiding all men would solve any issue. You have issues with women too. You can’t possibly avoid people.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023 at 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I’m wondering too whether it’s your husband and father you’re basing this judgement on, rather than men generally. That’s understandable, it’s coloured your perception of men.

You can’t generalise a gender though, just as we mightn’t like women being generalised and judged harshly as a group.

To some extent, it is.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023 at 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t know if avoiding all men would solve any issue. You have issues with women too. You can’t possibly avoid people.

Actually, it’ll help a lot. If I don’t give them anything to use against me or the oppurtunity to hurt or use me, then I’ll probably be safe from harm.

I keep meeting the wrong people most of the time. I wish that I didn’t need anyone. If I ever won the lottery, I’d say good bye to most of the rat race, & deal with people as little as humanly possible. I’d get an assistant to do things like make appointments. lol 😆 I’m probably a misanthrope at this point.

Rive. · Aug 09, 2023 at 11:49 AM

Why are men so cold and unemotional? Well, it is not a coincidence how the statistics reflect how men are the predominant gender with regards to violence and aggression - be it intimate partner violence, domestic abuse, rape, child molestation, road rage and so on.

So, saying there is no difference between the genders is ridiculous.

divine1966 · Aug 09, 2023 at 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rive.

Why are men so cold and unemotional? Well, it is not a coincidence how the statistics reflect how men are the predominant gender with regards to violence and aggression - be it intimate partner violence, domestic abuse, rape, child molestation, road rage and so on.

So, saying there is no difference between the genders is ridiculous.

You are making a good point. But on the daily basis most of us don’t run into these extreme behaviors you describe.

I’ve met cold, abusive and calculating women and warm nurturing men plenty. I also think people ought to go live in some regions where men are very domineering and women absolutely have no rights, then maybe they’ll see how lucky we are in the Western world

In my 57 years of life and living on two continents I just cannot in good conscience accept statement that men here are cold and unemotional. Some are. Same as some women

Discombobulated · Aug 09, 2023 at 12:43 PM

I feel sad for you jesyka, there’s a lot of bad experiences coming through in your posts, I am reading that you are feeling distrustful of men and women too. But you are posting here and you’re talking to us, and I hope you’re feeling some kindness from at least some of our posts?

As for your early experiences, have you explored re parenting yourself? It’s about nurturing yourself in the way you mightn’t have been nurtured growing up.

nonightowl · Aug 09, 2023 at 12:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

snip:But you are posting here and you’re talking to us, and I hope you’re feeling some kindness from at least some of our posts?

I hope so too.

It's true that men's brains are biologically different from women and that they have been (and still are) the dominant gender for eons.

BUT, I'm just saying not all men are cold and not all women are warm. Yeah a lot of serial killers turn out to be men, or mass shooters, but women can be just as vicious as men. (Think Lizzie Borden!) Maybe even more so, as I like to say women stab you in the back but men will stab you in the front. By that, I think they don't pretend to be your friend and like you. A woman will. Mind you, not ALL women! A male co-worker once told me that if a man is your enemy, you know he's your enemy. That's straightforward at least...

My closest (and only real) friend in real life is a man. He's my age. I can tell him anything, and unlike men in general, he's emotionally available and mature.

Speaking from my own experience, as that's all I can do, I've known both kind men and mean women. And vice versa.

Just know I'm sending you hugs, as I've experienced what you are going through, with both men and women.

I really hope you find some decent people, as you are a decent person and deserve so much better.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023 at 01:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

I feel sad for you jesyka, there’s a lot of bad experiences coming through in your posts, I am reading that you are feeling distrustful of men and women too. But you are posting here and you’re talking to us, and I hope you’re feeling some kindness from at least some of our posts?

As for your early experiences, have you explored re parenting yourself? It’s about nurturing yourself in the way you mightn’t have been nurtured growing up.

Thanks. I appreciate the support, but I’m sensing a lot of judgement like just about everything is my fault & that other people aren’t the problem aside from my husband. I’m hearing that I’m the problem mostly & that I expect to much just for having needs.

What about these people who abuse & disrespect me? Why are they rarely blamed for anything aside from the predatory men I mentioned & my husband ? Weird!

What is reparenting exactly?

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023 at 01:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonightowl

I hope so too.

It's true that men's brains are biologically different from women and that they have been (and still are) the dominant gender for eons.

BUT, I'm just saying not all men are cold and not all women are warm. Yeah a lot of serial killers turn out to be men, or mass shooters, but women can be just as vicious as men. (Think Lizzie Borden!) Maybe even more so, as I like to say women stab you in the back but men will stab you in the front. By that, I think they don't pretend to be your friend and like you. A woman will. Mind you, not ALL women! A male co-worker once told me that if a man is your enemy, you know he's your enemy. That's straightforward at least...

My closest (and only real) friend in real life is a man. He's my age. I can tell him anything, and unlike men in general, he's emotionally available and mature.

Speaking from my own experience, as that's all I can do, I've known both kind men and mean women. And vice versa.

Just know I'm sending you hugs, as I've experienced what you are going through, with both men and women.

I really hope you find some decent people, as you are a decent person and deserve so much better.

Thanks for your kind words. I do deserve better. You do make some good points. Some men will actually pretend to like you as a friend in order to wait for that moment to where they think they can take advantage of you which is disgusting predatory behaviour.

Some women can be vicious too, no doubt about that. In general though, men tend to be more dangerous & more liky to physically hurt a woman.

Most women tend to hurt other women on a psychological level. Sometimes they can be physically dangerous too, but most of the time, it’s the men who are the most physically dangerous people out there.

nonightowl · Aug 09, 2023 at 01:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jesyka

Thanks. I appreciate the support, but I’m sensing a lot of judgement like just about everything is my fault & that other people aren’t the problem aside from my husband. I’m hearing that I’m the problem mostly & that I expect to much just for having needs.

What about these people who abuse & disrespect me? Why are they rarely blamed for anything aside from the predatory men I mentioned & my husband ? Weird!

What is reparenting exactly?

It isn't your fault.

There's nothing wrong with looking for/needing an emotional connection. It's part of being human. Men need and benefit from it too, yet aren't as aware of it. Or accepting of it.

I'm not sure what reparenting is, but I think it means to give yourself the emotional validation you didn't get growing up.

And that means that it's okay to have the feelings you have. Discomb could explain better but I think it's tending to your inner child, comforting her. We all have a kid inside, but not all of us got the nurturing we deserved growing up. It affects us as adults, both men and women.

Discombobulated · Aug 09, 2023 at 01:41 PM

Reparenting

There’s lots on the web if you Google but I’ve included this link, it’s a therapy site so it does focus on therapy but there’s lots of tips you can focus on yourself with in non therapeutic setting - self compassion for instance. From your posts I think this could be something (missing from your childhood) that you could benefit from working on.

I’m sorry you’ve felt judged

Hoping there have been some helpful replies too.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023 at 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nonightowl

It isn't your fault.

There's nothing wrong with looking for/needing an emotional connection. It's part of being human. Men need and benefit from it too, yet aren't as aware of it. Or accepting of it.

I'm not sure what reparenting is, but I think it means to give yourself the emotional validation you didn't get growing up.

And that means that it's okay to have the feelings you have. Discomb could explain better but I think it's tending to your inner child, comforting her. We all have a kid inside, but not all of us got the nurturing we deserved growing up. It affects us as adults, both men and women.

Thanks. I’ll look into that.

jesyka · Aug 09, 2023 at 01:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Discombobulated

Reparenting

There’s lots on the web if you Google but I’ve included this link, it’s a therapy site so it does focus on therapy but there’s lots of tips you can focus on yourself with in non therapeutic setting - self compassion for instance. From your posts I think this could be something (missing from your childhood) that you could benefit from working on.

I’m sorry you’ve felt judged

Hoping there have been some helpful replies too.

Thanks for providing that link.

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Rive. Magnate Member Since Sep 2013 Posts: 2,196 11	Aug 09, 2023 at 11:49 AM #31 Why are men so cold and unemotional? Well, it is not a coincidence how the statistics reflect how men are the predominant gender with regards to violence and aggression - be it intimate partner violence, domestic abuse, rape, child molestation, road rage and so on. So, saying there is no difference between the genders is ridiculous.
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