I Found breastfeeding disgusting

I absolutely hated trying to breastfeed my first born. People put this stigma on you that you are supposed to breastfeed, so I tried. She didn't latch well and I found it annoying. I was an only single mother throughout my pregnancy so I just wanted to give her a bottle and get thr rest I needed since I was alone. But I can remember the feeling. You did get an uncomfortable rush down there and I remember it just made me feel dirty. I hated looking down at my baby and seeing her face shoved into my boob. I mean, our breasts are private and I didn't want my baby being all in my breasts. So decided to just pump only. That was such a relief as I was finally able to hold her in my arms or in my lap and actually get to see her, lol eyes, bond without my boob being in the way. I swore with my second child, I was actually in a relationship this time, that I did not want to breastfeed. He told me I was a mammal and that is what mammals do. I was so distraught about this because I knew how much I hated it previously. He was physically and mentally abusive and neglected me during my pregnancy. So I did try breastfeeding again, hoping to have a better outcome the second time around. But I gave it a shot for about 4 days and sure enough hated it. Same thing, I felt that uncomfortable rush down there and a big part of it was because he had no interest in my breasts during my pregnancy and now this was the only time he would look at my breasts. I felt it is just too impossible to bond with the baby with having your boobs in the way. I also hated how I'd go to my friends houses with their babies and they would just rip out their boobs in front of me while I was trying to have a conversation. I always pumped so I could avoid pulling out my boobs in public. I'd feel like I was involved in some kind of weird party or something. I do think boobs are sexualized and it's our own private parts and we shouldn't be using our babies to stimulate a sexual part of us.

If you have a third baby, seek out the help of an experienced lactation consultant who would help you work through these issues. Great job pumping and giving your kids precious breast milk!