Why do people frame misogyny as injustice toward boys but girls have to tolerate them

This is going to get confusing, but please try to keep up with me:

I stumbled upon several online links over a mom complaining how her three year old daughter hates boys. This is the original story:

“My 3-year-old daughter started a preschool program last year. A few months ago, we noticed that she’d become extremely “anti-boys.” She tells us about her friends in school (all girls), but when we ask her if she has any friends who are boys, she says “no, they’re all smelly.” We thought this was just a phase, but now it has gotten to the point where it’s affecting day-to-day life. Today she had a substitute swim instructor who was a male, and she refused to get in the water because he was a boy. She’s perfectly fine and extremely loving with her father, grandfathers, and male cousins. Also, she used to have friends that were boys when she was 2 and before we moved to our new city a year ago. I’m not sure where this anti-boy attitude is coming from. Do you have any advice on how to get her to change her mind on boys and start interacting with the opposite gender?”

The response she got was this:

“Even today, society takes great pains to draw the distinctions between “boy things” and “girl things,” and it isn’t strange for a child to rule the other group out as gross, weird, or somehow undesirable. As you suspect, this is likely just a phase that she’ll grow out of eventually. However, what you can do now is to start having conversations about gender and identity, what makes us different and what makes us the same. Let your daughter know that boys are our peers, and friends, and that they grow up to be the daddies and the granddaddies that she’s come to love and rely upon. Furthermore, the toys, colors, and behaviors that are coded as “male” aren’t exclusively for boys, and the same goes for that which we typically associate with girls. Explain that it’s important for us to treat everyone equally, and for us not to write people off because of their gender.

Being You: A First Conversation About Gender is a great book that helps kids understand difference in gender identity and expression. I would consider using it, or a similar book, to guide your conversations with your daughter. Again, I doubt this is something your daughter will struggle with long term. Remind her about the friendships she’s had with boys in the past and how much she values the men in her life. She’ll get over her “gross” feelings soon.“

Here’s another:

“My daughter was 3 in July. We've signed her up for a martial arts class and she's been loving it so far. Today we went and she was the only girl. She had a tantrum at the back of the room shouting 'I'm a girl mummy! Look they boys! I'm a girl. I'm not playing with boys!'

At softplay if boys try to play with her she either ignores them and gives them evil looks, or she tells them 'go away silly little boy'.

I've explained to her that this isn't kind, that boys just want to play with her the same as girls do. I think she understands as she stops saying unkind things, but she still won't play with them.

I ask her who she plays with at preschool and she lists most of the girls. I say 'did you play with Archie or Kieran' and she'll laugh and says 'no mummy their boys, boys are yuck!' While we're waiting in the playground at preschool, this boy came over and said hi to her. She just glared at him and turned around and ignored him.

I don't want to push her to play with boys if she doesn't want to, as I imagine this is just a phase that she's going through.

But I don't want her to be unkind. She needs to learn to be kind to boys and girls. I keep emphasising that she needs to be kind, as the boys might get upset, and that's not nice.

Is this a normal phase, or should we be doing more to get her to mix with boys (or at least be kind to them!)?

For reference, she has two boy cousins but they're older (9 and 6). They're not boisterous boys, they're quiet and gentle. Her friends her age outside of preschool are all girls.”

The response?

“It's a phase. I would always stress that no, we don't need to be friends with everyone, but we do need to respect them, our classmates are our classmates.”

Ok you’re probably thinking, what does that have to do with what you’re talking about? Here comes the juicy part. The double standards on how people view misandry and misogyny. Now comes one where it involves a ten year old boy hating girls, here’s the OP:

“I have a 10 year old son who will be 11 in August. He hates girls. Like, seriously hates girls. Ever since he started in school, he has told us that he hates girls. I used to think it was funny and absolutely normal. But now, I am getting worried that there is something more to this (not that he is gay - I could care less if he was) - like something deeper emotionally.

A little background on him. He is my stepson. His mother abandoned him when he was 18 months and he has not seen her since. I met his Dad when he was 3 and a half and have been there ever since. He calls me mom but is aware that I am not his real mother.

So I am worried that either he has emotional issues from the abandonment of his mother or that I have made him hate females.

Please tell me this is still normal for a 10 year old boy to hate girls.

I remember when I was 10, we loved the boys and the boys liked us. But I don't know what is normal for 10 year old boys.”

Here are some of the responses:

“Just guessing here, but I imagine the girls in his class represent everything teachers like -- keeping their desks neat, turning in papers on time, always getting their spelling words right, remembering their library books.
My son (and a lot of boys his age) struggle with a lot of the tasks girls find easy-- and they generally get in trouble because of it. Subconsciously it's easy to think that if the girls weren't always so dang perfect all of the time, the teacher might like the boys (at least some of them) a little more. Which would in turn make school a lot more tolerable.”

“If he hasn't said he hates girls, why would you think so. Hate is a VERY strong word. My son is only 3, but I have a 15 and 11 year old daughters. My 11 year old does not have any friends that are boys. She doesn't talk about them either. When having to do group projects, she works fine with boys. I don't think that she's got issues because of that. My 15 year old has a few really good guy friends, but she isn't "into" boys. Could it be that you are over analyzing this? If he isn't "into" girls, then be grateful for that. Like I said earlier, if he has ongoing anger issues then he needs help. Don't let one isolated issue define him And I am not making light of kicking and threating a girl, I have 4 girls. But just be careful that you aren't making things things bigger or worse than what they are”

“My nephew had a issue with getting rough with girls when he was like 9 or 10 but in his defense he is very small most the girls are bigger then him stronger then him and would pick on him including his cousin and they would fight he had a hard time with the no hitting thing cuz the girls at recess would hit him...and he would say he hated girls because of it but he loves his little sister He got grounded and in big trouble for getting in a fight with his cousin my niece and now he's 12 he's some what grown out of it but he still isn't a big fan of girls because of the teasing and such....”

“My son is 11 and has as many friends that are girls as boys. He is not overly fond of or friendly with the girls that cause drama or that are super catty and he prefers to be friends with girls that are in sports or band and that are nice to everyone like him”

Sexist much? If parents believe that it’s only girls who want to stir up drama and act “catty”, there is a serious misogyny problem.

Also I don’t buy the “boys hate girls because female teachers apparently hate boys and the poor poor boys are just struggling because no one will support them” bs. It sounds more like a bunch of lazy manchildren whining how a bunch of girls worked harder and did better than they did and assumed it was because of their sex.

Cue the one scene from SpongeBob where Mr. Krabs says “oh boo-hoo, let me play you a sad song on the world’s smallest violin”.

And no I’m not saying this to discriminate men, not at all. I’ve seen quite a few boys who performed better at school than girls, so the belief that girls are better in school is not true. It’s just a sorry excuse for guys to whine that they got beaten by girls. Is this what we’re teaching our children?

Let me move on to another post:

“My son is seven. 2 years ago our pediatrician moved and we had our son start seeing the family doctor that my husband and I see. During the first visit he saw a female doctor and everything seemed uneventful. When we got ready to go to his last well child visit earlier this year (a male physician), he started telling me that he didn’t want to go because the doctor would touch his private parts. He talked about how unfair it was that they do that to boys and not to girls. I asked him if anyone had ever touched him there before and he said yes. I managed to remain calm and gently ask him who had done so, and he said that it was the female doctor. (She did the standard exam that he has had every year of his life, with me present.) I told him that he could tell the doctor no if he was uncomfortable. He did so, and the doctor listened to him.

That was in October. Last week after I picked him up at school and he wanted me to ask Siri why there are only nude boys in movies and not nude girls. I asked what he was talking about and he said that they watched a movie and there was a naked boy in it. He didn’t know what the movie was, but it was about a snowman, there weren’t any words, and there was a scene where a boy was getting dressed and his buttocks were showing. I think that it was most likely the animated film adaptation of the Snowman children’s book.

Today we were trying to think of a name for his new hamster. He was doing some research on Greek gods and commented about how it was unfair that there were only statues of naked men. I explained that there were have also been statues of naked women. He then started telling me that life is unfair for boys..., Girls don’t follow the rules. They get to tell everyone what to do. (‘All the teachers are girls’.). And boys do all the work and girls get the credit. (‘In the olden days boys had to do all the hard work and the girls just sat around sewing.’)

He clearly is harboring some animosity towards females and I don’t understand why. I have always had a great relationship with him and he has witnessed my husband, his dad, treating me with respect.

Is this a stage, or should I be concerned?”

Here are some of the responses:

“if he makes the occasional comment here and there, i don't know if a few months is enough time to worry about this - i'm not saying you should or shouldn't be worried, i just think it might be too early.

is it really "animosity" per se, or is it a sense of injustice in his eyes? Perhaps he is more in-tune with feelings of fairness and maybe he's frustrated at the perceived lack of fairness.

If anything this might be an excellent time to start having conversations about how people are treated differently because of their gender and how we need to do our best not to be like that.

don't know if this is possible or would make a difference - but maybe it's a conversation that your son has to have with Dad. Maybe in this particular case having this convo with a fellow male might be more reassuring.”

In other words, if a boy says he hates girls, just knows that he hates how boys are treated worse than girls and wants more girls to be treated equally poor. I really have no idea how boys are apparently treated worse than girls and it’s somehow girls’ fault. I don’t see how in god’s name boys are treated in a way that is SO BAD that it justifies misogyny by stating that it ISN’T. Confused yet? So am I!

“I think you are probably right that what he is feeling is a sense of injustice rather than animosity. My husband tends to take on of the physical tasks in our home because he enjoys them and quite frankly is better at them. I can see how my son could interpret that as 'men work harder.'”

Oh no, girls seeking equality?! That’s “special treatment”!! It’s an injustice to boys and men everywhere! We must be more prejudiced to FeMaLeS so we can achieve TRUE EQUALITY! Also men are better than women, and that’s a fact! *sarcasm*

“Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

Don't go there, this is coming from another part of you, yes?

He has a legitimate awareness of himself as a boy, and is expressing what he experiences as his own vulnerability. That's not at all the same as "Hostility towards women". Seperate your own issue here from his.

You mention dad there at the very end, which is curious, especially since you comment on his interactions with you and not his interactions with your son. As an aside, true hostility towards women results not only from overbearing experiences with mom, but also the quality of the relationship with dad. Many falsely think it must be mom's fault, but almost always, it's dads as well. How balanced is parenting in your family btwn you and dad?

It might be good to have him be more involved with your son in general, and surely with MD visits. When boys become aware that they are boys it often helps to have the Big Boy (aka, dad) step in more so he doesn't feel that things are too biased against him as a guy.”

How dare you as a FeMaLe invade boys’ thoughts and prejudices! He says he hates girls but it’s NOT prejudice because society is unfair to boys and men! He must have a father figure to achieve true male equality! The reason he’s so-called misogynistic is because you suck as a mother and won’t let your poor little son have a chance to be with his father! Hurr-durr femoids are selfish and are indoctrinating poor boys to becoming radical man-hating feminists!

Single mothers are eViL and it’s hurting our BoYs, we need more MEN, and not those soyboy pansies, nah, we need MANLY MAN to teach our boys about true equality! What do those stupid FeMaLeS know about equality? They only want special treatment, mothers are crappy parents if boys don’t have a father figure! Also men rule and women drool! *sarcasm*

“It's sad how many misunderstand male sexuality and are so quick to over pathologize a 7 year old.”

Yeah it’s totally ok to discriminate baby girls right at birth for having a clitoris but don’t you dare criticize elementary aged boys who are behaving misogynistic!! Let men talk about women however they like but don’t do the same to us!

“I'm not sure why you were downvoted so much. I think you raise a valid point. To be clear though, I don't think that my concerns are because of my own insecurities. I have never felt oppressed or treated disrespectfully by any man, and I'm certainly not a feminist.

I used the word 'animosity' simply because he told me that he hates girls. (He even insisted that his new hamster had to be male.) In hindsight, I think that the issue is that he feels that things are unfair. At his young age, he doesn't understand that equal doesn't mean equivalent. He sees that my husband tends to take on more of the physical tasks in our family. Therefore, 'boys work harder '.

I mentioned my husband's relationship with me to clarify that my son doesn't hear him making negative comments. I will have him start taking our son to future appointments.”

I’m not a feminist because I love and support men! Feminism indoctrinates FeMaLeS and soy-ciety to manipulate and discriminate and control and hurt poor innocent men! I know this because I am a woman who uses the term females and women should stop b****ing about being oppressed and discriminated because misogyny is NOT REAL! They just chose to be with s****y men which is only 1% of the entire male population! Also men are superior to women because it is FaCtS and anyone who disagrees with me is a misandrist feminazi! *sarcasm*

“I was down voted so much b/c: 1) You posted an accusation about your son that is highly inflammatory to many and perhaps stirs up some of their own totally unrelated experiences with much older boys, and after the fist pump chose the cowardly yet meaningless choice of downvoting, and, 2) after starting the fire, you didn't return for many days.

There's nothing out of the ordinary and surely not pathological enough to accurately portray a seven year old as harboring "Animosity" towards females. Rather, as I had accurately stated, he is simply showing awareness of his own (normal) masculinity and a sense of vulnerability about that. Boys are more vulnerable than girls in many ways, the least and probably most obvious are the exposed nature of genitals. That last part, why he equates his own masculinity as leaving him vulnerable and in need of protection above and beyond the obvious is the part you and your husband would do well to examine. And, although the Angry Ones here who (incorrectly) see your 7 year old as a budding Woman Hater and Future Wife Beater have suggested, if you actually took your son to a therapist I am fairly certain s/he would conclude as I have.

The emergence of or presence of your little boy's awareness of himself as a boy isn't a pathological event in and of itself, even if it is expressed in ways that seem unusual. It's the response to that, typically by mothers, that determines the actual result. Sadly what Mom, Inc's. sheer hostile response to what essentially is just a real sense of vulnerability is far more likely to result in the very thing you (and they) fear the most.

That on your return the part you took from this is that dad should take him to MD appts misses the larger part. He needs to be much more involved, which means you might need to back out a bit too. That sense of being disadvantaged is the same regardless of gender, btw, and so is the fix.”

How dare you accuse your son of being a misogynist, you’re encouraging the feminazis to make misandrist statements just to appease your agenda! Women who disagree with my close-minded opinions are just CoWaRdS who have NO REASON AT ALL to get mad at me and spew all this UNNECESSARY hate towards me even though I said something that is ignorant and bigoted! Your son is not a sexist, society just hates boys who express their rightful masculinity! Boys are the ones being discriminated, not girls, because feminazi culture in today’s world hates penises! There are women who sexually molest boys therefore he has the right to feel his masculinity is threatened! I know what I said is AcCuRaTe because I am RIGHT and anyone who disagrees with me are WRONG and they are ANGRY, not me!! I am sure your therapist will agree with me even though I never went to see a therapist myself but f*** it, I’ll act like I have a damn clue what I’m talking about!

Feminazis are angry because they are wrong and they never want to face accountability for their actions, it’s not men’s fault women feel oppressed!! Those females did it to themselves, they cannot accept their privilege and are trying to destroy the patriarchy!! Little boys being “sexist” is normal and it’s just them responding to crappy mothers who try to indoctrinate them with feminism! Moms Inc is a misandrist company that wants to demonize poor men’s perception of masculinity and those feminazis are controlling the mainstream and destroying the male identity because they are too offended by the existence of penises and criticizing anything that has to do with maleness is a hostility and anti-men extremism, and those feminazis are the reason why men hate women in the first place!!

Even though I believe mothers should be involved with their sons despite me contradicting myself that mothers are the reason boys are screwed up and need more father figures, I still think men are superior to women and misogyny is just made up baloney! Now if you excuse me, I’ll be in Oz! 🎶Somewheeeeeeeere over the rainboooooooow🎶

I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he said all that while he’s locked in the asylum and put into a strait jacket.

My point is that people love to excuse misogyny as boys’ masculinity being “threatened” and that women are apparently making a big deal out of nothing by claiming they’re oppressed when it’s really men who are the oppressed ones. Meanwhile if a girl hates boys, that is a big no-no and tolerance towards men must be taught. The hypocrisy and double standards is so blatant that I don’t understand how people don’t see that! It also saddens me that anyone who calls this contradiction out are seen as angry or incorrect.

Why are people justifying boys’ hatred of girls by making up all these s****y excuses stating that misogyny is all feminism’s (and generally women’s) fault and that boys need to feel as if they’re special all while accusing girls of doing the same?

This sounds nothing more than victim mentality and whataboutism at its finest.

Anyways, I’m done ranting. Sorry if it’s long. Looking at it just makes me sick. No derailing or whataboutism’s.