"You're not pretty when you cry."

I felt offense at another thread when someone said she didn't find a crying man attractive. After some brief soul-searching, I discovered exactly what had tripped my trigger, but I took it off the original thread so I wouldn't derail it.

It's because, even though I happen to be female, I grew up hearing the same kind of crap myself. It didn't matter what was upsetting me, the whole goal was not to cry. Behavior was so much more important than emotional well-being. By crying, one committed the cardinal sin of calling attention to oneself and one's needs, in a family where one was expected to blend into the background and not have any.

So, I'd hear "You're not pretty when you cry," or even more commonly, "I'll give you something to cry about." It was strongly impressed upon me that crying was not acceptable behavior. The biggest badge of courage anyone, male or female, could wear was to be able to say, "I went through this or that, but I didn't cry!!" I wore that badge of honor when I was 11 and broke my collarbone at school; despite the pain I would not let anyone see me cry. When I was 15, my boyfriend was killed in a hunting accident, and my family was sooo proud of me for the way I was "holding up" and "being strong." What I was doing, was stuffing. It took me two and a half years to mourn that tragic loss, and then I was drunk at a high school party. Then I went on to nearly a decade of my adult life in which I was completely frozen and unable to demonstrate any emotions. I felt it, sure, but I could not express it. Not even when someone died--like my youngest child. Oh, you'd better believe that hurt. But I'd been so deeply ingrained with the doctrine that not crying meant being strong, that I did not have that outlet.

After I began to thaw out, I had an encounter with a pdoc who walked into the room, saw that I was crying, and the first thing out of her mouth was, "I'm going to increase your Prozac." She didn't even think to ask what was going on, and in my case I had just gotten off the phone with my (at the time) husband. He was in the hospital. His legs had stopped working, they were trying to figure out why, and they didn't know if he would ever walk again. But never mind that; I was crying, so let's up the meds. I never saw that pdoc again.

Nor would I trust a T with the same attitude. If someone is crying, male or female, the very first thought should not be whether or not that person is attractive at the moment. It should be what is hurting that person. For example, I don't think a man whose mother has just died should have to worry about whether or not the woman in his life finds him attractive if he cries about it.

There. Spleen vented.

((((((((LovebirdsFlying))))))))

(((((LOveBirds)))))))))))

I can relate to the "i will give you something to cry about" because if I did I would be harmed worse. I am 39 and I can finally cry in therapy because I feel safe. The only people that had ever seen me cry was my kids and my husband. Being able to cry has helped me so much in my healing and I have a lot of that to do. I know people who hold it in, take that pressure out some other way like drinking, drugs, self harm like cutting. Crying is hard, but it is better than the alternatives.
My first T said he was sorry he made me cry, and it was after working with him 2 1/2 years, he hurt me, it made me angry and I started to cry. Now I cry a lot with my new T. I teach both my son and daughter it is okay to show your emotions.
It is hard enough to show your emotions especially for a guy, but if he is being judged as a baby because of it, I feel bad for him. I wouldn't go to a T either if they had a problem with someone showing emotion. But I assure you most T's encourage crying when needed because it is important. Can you imagine the damage it would cause for mothers to tell their son's it is not okay to cry because they look like a baby? It kinda makes me angry that viewpoint that men shouldn't cry. Gosh they are HUMAN!

I know what you are speaking. I did everything in my power to have control of my emotions and never could cry till I learned it in therapy with great agony. I swear it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done, learning to cry. Good job finding the trigger.

Lovebirds
I was saddened to read that you grew up not being able to cry. I feel that crying really lets out a lot of stress and helps us release many different feelings.
It sounds like you are dealing with all of that and Im so glad for you!!!

I grew up being able to cry at anything and now everyone laughs at me cuz I even cry at sad commercials, lol.
I just seem to let it out anytime and anywhere. Im not real sure why, but Im just a sensitive person.
My husband has cried a few times during our marriage and that does not bother me at all, it just shows me he can be human.

There is nothing wrong with crying, male or female!! What is really bad is holding it all inside, withdrawing, and all the crap that comes along with that. My son has cried as an adult when he is deeply upset, and my husband holds too much in, has cried maybe three times in 31 years, and holds way too much in. He was raised to think that crying is weakness. What a bunch of bologna!! I taught my son to let it out, it is o.k.

hey I think that is some great insighe lovebirds!