A husband and porn???

<font color="#880000"> </font> Hello, I am really new to all of this. I mainly joined this because I would like to hear others opinions on this issue, and others. Ok, so my husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years, and have one child together, and I have 2 others from another relationship. so we are a family of 5. I do have problems with wanting to have sex with my husband because i feel that I carry the weight in this household. He is a driller on a oil rig, so he works 7 days 12 hour shifts, and then he is off for 7 days, and he leaves to go hunting all of the time, so therefore I am still raising three kids on my own and handling everything while he goes and plays!! Then he expects me to have sex when he wants it, and I am more like "get away from me" Well, it's not they we don't have sex, we have it prolly about 2-3 times a week. but then I keep catching him watching porn!! Even after we get done having sex, like a few hours later, i will wake up and he will be on my laptop, watching it!! It is very hurtful and degrading to me. he thinks his actions are normal, and so I told him the other day that if he keeps it up, then i want out of this marriage....is that being to harsh?? I thought maybe he/we can go and get therapy, but he says it's normal for him to watch porn, and I think that if he was a happily married man, he wouldn't. Does anybody have any helpful advise for me?

I had a husband once that was very sexual. we had sex on a daily basis and he still liked his girlie mags. no internet back in the day. I am sure he would have been glued to it. some people are just more sexual than others. I can understand your frustration though with having to raise the kids on your own with really no help from him. that would turn me off too hon. get the counseling if he will agree to go.

had this same problem only we werent married. i found porn on his computer and it wasnt even like it was hidden. for me its more of a porn depicts a lot of rape and domination scenes which trigger me. and i couldnt understand how something so horrible that has happened to me could turn him on. it mostly made me angry that i had lived those scenes and know how horrible it felt and he liked it. i dont think the porn in general is a big issue unless it gets taken to the extreme. sport illustrated and maxim are fine for me. but when it gets into graphic porn thats when i see it as disgusting. or if it happens constantly then its addiction just like anything else. i think if its not horribly graphic and its not constant then maybe you can work on some of the insecurities that make you feel upset that he looks at it. i know that part of the reason i felt bad was because i felt like he watched it because he doesnt like the way i look. and its been a few months and im starting to see that thats not the reason now. theres nothing wrong with liking naked women. if he didnt, thats when id be worried. but i think if he shows affection towards you and maks it known that he likes you, then you have nothing to worry about. id rather him look at naked pictures then go out and cheat on me. and he would probably look at porn even if you had sex a lot. sometimes you just like new things. i think the most important thing is that he still wants you. if you dont feel that, then youve got a problem. if you need to PM me thats cool.

Porn like any addictive activity / substance is being used to obtain something they are not receiving emotionally, past or present..... the persons drug of choice.
And while it maybe natural for a man to be visually drawn to the site of a beautiful female - it is not natural (no matter what they say) for them to use them in place of their sufficient other.

* * * * * * * *

Now with that being said and from my own experience in this area of a wife whose husband was once addicted to porn for ten long hurtful years (6 years strong now without it) - I have to say that your husband is probably using porn to relieve some of the tension he is feeling from the hard work he does and from the lack of intimacy (not sex) in the marriage.

So.... What can the two of you do to strengthen the marriage and to grow closer to each other and not farther apart?

P.S.
Many Happily married Men & Women use Porn..... for it is not about the spouse but more about the person using it, therefore, the spouse can love you (with out change) and use porn all within the same day.

<font color="purple"> </font> I wanted to thank you all, I feel that all of your advise is helpful. I just tried to relax, and not get to over the top with him. I tried to talk to him about it and then i thought I might have gotten through to him, and he finally understood me....well, he slept on the couch last night, and I am sure he was watching it again!! This time on the T.V. I know this, because i went into my list on the DVR to find a movie for my son, and he had porn recorded, in there!! I am just so frustrated, I can't see straight anymore. Of course I erased it, because we have minor children, and I would hate for them to click on it and see that nasty crap. How horrifying if they saw it! Now I just don't know what to say to him. I know he loves me, but I think there is something else going on, and I don't know what. Is this something to just call the relationship quits about, or what??

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marriedwithacause said:
Is this something to just call the relationship quits about, or what??

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IF you truly love him and what to make it work then I would suggest that you hang tough and see your marriage thru this big speed bump....... it took my husband ten years to break the habit.

I think your right rhapsody, I guess I can't just give up on him, I know he isn't out having an affair, so I guess it's to be treated like an addiction, and I know thats just something you shouldn't do is give up. i think that in my past relationships, that was the first thing I did do...give up. I think I will try a little harder with him, I do truly love him. it's just something that we both have to work on together. Thanks for the support.

married - is it really an addiction? does he do it all the time? don't just assume that because he watches porn its an addiction. an addiction is when it interferes with your life on an everyday basis. dont teach him that its wrong to like women because its not. thats human nature. some guys have to work to get over the shame they feel for liking to look at naked women. and that isnt wrong. please dont push it like its an addiction unless you truly believe it is. you will just make him resent you in the long run and chances are, he doesnt see it as a problem. i would talk to a professional about the frequency and severity of it. if he is looking at beastiality everyday.... yeah, id call that an addiction. but if its just normal, everyday porn not all the time.... i wouldnt push him on it. i would focus on why you feel its bad and your own insecurities.

Hang in There.... and know that your husband needs the support of his wife IF he is going to beat his addiction - I stayed and we worked thru it together and now my husband has been porn free for six years and he can control his eyes / mind with in reason when out in public.

Please know - I am here for you if you need someone that has faced this struggle and knows all the in and outs of its recovery - just send a PM or Post a Thread and I will be there.

Please read the Post I placed in the Sexual Forum about Sex Glue - and How it can create an addiction to Porn.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...c=1&PHPSESSID=

is it even positive that this is an addiction? I havent heard anything about whether he does it 24/7 or is looking at things like rape scenes and violent porn...

Please note that one does not need to look at porn 24/7 for it to be an addiction....... if her husband feels that he needs to view it every day, every other day, every three day (etc) or even after having sexual relations it can still be an addiction..... as an addiction is some thing that one does not feel that they can live / function with out..... no matter the degree of the addiction (mild to severe).

i know, im just afraid that if she goes to him treating it like an addiction wheni it's not it will bite her in the ***. for a wife to go to a husband telling him he cant do something he likes sounds condescending and patronizing. plus like shes trying to control him. if he wont stop and she cant get past it then its healthier for both to just walk away. i dont want her going in there like its the end of the world and have him hate her for it. its a very touchy subject that can have backlashes. i still think a lot of it is her own insecurities.... not just the fact that he's watching porn. and we dont even know if he does feel that way about it. i havent seen any post saying how often or the severity of it. because she feels its a sin, just about any porn watching is going to be bad to her. so there is an aspect of it thats probably blown out of proportion. thats why i suggested talking to a professional. everyone is going to have their own opinions on how much is okay and how much isn't so its not up to us to tell her whats an addiction and whats not.

I too feel for her - for I have been there and it HURTS........ and from the other side of it - I personally feel that any wife has the right to ask (demand) that her husband does not use porn if it upsets / disturbs her for both parties took wedding vows that said "Forsaking All Others" - and while some females are ok with their man viewing porn many others emotionally feel as though he is cheating on her.

i feel like it is pretty close to cheating myself. but if i was with a guy who enjoyed it that much, i wouldnt be with him anymore. because he shouldnt change for me and i shouldnt compromise my happiness for him. these are all opinions though, everyone has them. if you dont like the person youre with and what they do, then why are you with them?

Ok, Salukigirl, It doesn't matter if he watches it once a week or everyday of the week, I morally find it hurtful when the man that i am in love with, looks to a porn to release any thing. I think you are looking at this like I need a way to control my relationship, and that is so not true! OK, let me get WHY this bothers me so bad. I was young, and have been raped, then when i was 17 i got pregnant with my first child, and the father and I decided to marry, and i knew it wasn't a good Idea, but we needed insurance to be able to afford her. Well, around 2 years into our marriage, i noticed things like porn mags, pocket pussies, and then I found out he was having several affairs with just random women. And he would watch porn when i went to sleep, and one morning i woke up and he was passed out on the couch and left the computer on, and at this time my daughter was almost 2, and she was sitting up at that computer watching PORN!!!!!! I was just sick to my stomach that she had saw that. Also, after he started watching porn, very heavily, he would like grab me by my hair when I was sleeping, and rip my clothes off and do what he needed to do!! I feel that the porn played a lot in this situation, he was learning to do what those people do in those videos, and play it out in real life. well, needless to say we divorced, and now years later, i am re-married, and this marriage starts out with not a porn problem, and now he has porn on his cell phone, on our TV on both computers. I don't think it has to be a particular porn for it to be bad. I feel that this is an unreal fantasy, and it leads to many different things, like in my past experiences. Now salukigirl, If you enjoy porn, then that's cool, people enjoy all different things. I think it's ok, if two people in a relationship are ok with it. But if you have experienced what i have in my past, then you would probably be hurt too. My husband now, is turning to sex to help him with whatever he is possibly dealing with. and when i have approached him when i caught him in the act of watching it, i didn't go in their and start a fight to the degree you think it might have been,i simply went into the situation and and told him exactly how it made me feel. he couldn't even look me in the eye!! every time I catch him, which has been quite a lot in the past few weeks, he says sorry, and he won't do it again, and he loves me so much. But then does it again. Now, I would consider it an addiction if some one says they will stop, and keeps doing it, now he's just trying to hide it, but still gets caught. I don't think me being concerned about my husbands sexual issues will turn on me in a bad way, it will only turn on him a bad way. I want a healthy sexual relationship, but this only makes it harder for me to want to have sex with him, because I feel degraded as his wife, almost like he had an affair, then crawls into bed with me.

Rhapsody, thanks for your support on this, i feel comfortable listening to you because you have said you have been there. I think that we might get through this, but if i am being left alone in the dark by him, and he is not willing to admit that this is a problem between the two of us, then it's going to eventually end. I think in a marriage, I am to have a voice in what hurts me, and I should be able to express that without worrying if it is going to back fire on me. I think it is wrong to just be seen and not heard. In a marriage, you cannot just call it quites without trying to help save your marriage.

And don't get me wrong ya'll, I do appreciate all different views on this issue, i do know I am not alone in this. Salukigirl, I know you are just stating your opinion, and I will keep in mind the consequences, of my very own actions towards this

next time why dont specify what kind of answers you want. cause i wont answer anymore if you will only consider those posts that are what you wanted to hear.

Ok now - lets not get this thread locked before the OP gets the help she needs.

And - I do believe she asked for helpful advice on understanding why her husband would use porn over her and she also stated that it hurts her when he views the porn.

Porn addictions are very real, and like all addictions, they will escalate.

The fact of the matter is that even if it's not an addiction, it still hurts you, and as your husband, he should prioritize your feelings over his wants. If it isn't an addiction, then it shouldn't be a big deal for him to stop.

For some help and advice specifically for porn addictions, try www.pornaddictioninfo.com. They even have a 20 question survey to test for an addiction.

married,

I feel for you. I divorced my ex because of his addiction issues, one was a sex addiction. He lost a good job because of it and got involved with a woman who actually called herself a Paypal *****.

Someone posted a good link. Follow that and get some good information.

Also you have to take care of you in this situation. I know how upsetting this is...it sucks and it hurts. But focusing on the problem 24X7 only makes you more worried. Something that helped me was just to do anything to get out of the situation and get out with friends. Lots of times when my ex got too deep into his computer porn, I'd just take off for a drink with friends and he'd finally realize I was gone. If I stayed home too much he was worse...like the old hawk was watching. It at least changed the dynamic between us a little bit...at least I was somewhat calmer when I had to deal with him LOL.

Can you talk to him about this in a calm way? I wouldn't have a long, drawn out conversation with him but sort of just broach the subject and see if he's willing to talk to you about it? You may hear things you don't like to hear out of him and you'll need to sort of brace yourself for that. He also needs to know what you think is erotic too...

When men look at porn, I don't really think it's about their spouse or girlfriend. I do think like you said, it's about the fantasy.