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#1
Dec 11, 2008, 12:33 AM
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Waxing!
adventures in waxing, I suppose this would be rated Teen. Please note this is an email forward, I did not fail this badly. Hair Removal.... All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now... the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire. With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip)... I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!! I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!!!! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!* I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter "So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! "It works !!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair...THE HAIR IS STILL HERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point. Next week I'm going to try hair color....... __________________
__________________
He who angers you controls you! |
 Capp, Christina86, miastella, silver_moon, Zen888
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#2
Dec 11, 2008, 02:07 AM
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That is so hilarious!! Thanks bebop!
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#3
Dec 11, 2008, 08:59 AM
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lmao............too funny
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#4
Dec 11, 2008, 11:06 AM
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you are very welcome artsy. I thought I would die laughing when I saw that and just had to share!
__________________
He who angers you controls you! |
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#5
Dec 11, 2008, 12:01 PM
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LOL, thank you for sharing, that is hilarious.
__________________
 Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis visit my blog at http://gimmeice.psychcentral.net |
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#6
Dec 11, 2008, 02:24 PM
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beeeeeee.......
you musta known i was in a funk today there is co way to describe my laughter!!!!!!!! Thank you ever so much for making my day.... Colleen |
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#7
Dec 11, 2008, 02:27 PM
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THAT was the best laugh-out-loud
I've had in AGES! What a gift you've given me, and just when I needed it the most, too! Thank you, thank you, thank you!GoodMama
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Tomorrow always has the potential to be better than today! |
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#8
Dec 11, 2008, 04:30 PM
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HA!!! Sounds like something I would do...lmao!! Thanks for the laugh, bee!!
__________________
"There are things we need to forget and forgive, Sometimes we have to try and shed the damage we don't need." Silverchair- All Across The World |
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#9
Dec 15, 2008, 02:41 PM
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oh that makes me so happy to make you all laugh. I know there are days I need to laugh so bad. there is not alot of laughter in my house anymore either.
__________________
He who angers you controls you! |
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#10
Dec 16, 2008, 03:22 AM
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Haven't read anything that funny in a while. Thank you!
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#11
Dec 28, 2008, 06:38 PM
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 thats so funny.
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#12
Dec 28, 2008, 11:46 PM
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 thanks for that!
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#13
Dec 29, 2008, 09:56 AM
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your very welcome!
__________________
He who angers you controls you! |
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#14
Dec 29, 2008, 12:32 PM
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At first, I didn't read the disclaimer part that it was a 'forward'---I thought it was YOU!!!!!!!!!
Way to go bebop! Thanks! notz Last edited by notz; Dec 29, 2008 at 12:35 PM. Reason: typo |
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#15
Dec 29, 2008, 01:07 PM
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hahahaha notz! no way would I ever do that to myself nor let anyone else! no way no how! uh uh!
     that is how I feel lol
__________________
He who angers you controls you! |
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#16
Dec 30, 2008, 01:38 AM
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I've pulled stupid stunts like that myself, but not with wax or that part of my anatomy! One thing I did learn when waxing, though. You use SHORT strips!! 
__________________
Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
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#17
Jan 02, 2009, 04:15 AM
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Omigosh, I never find these kind of things funny but that was laugh out loud hilarious. THANK YOU!
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#18
Jan 02, 2009, 09:51 AM
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Way to funny, Poor thing. Baby oil or skin so soft works pretty well to get wax off.
__________________
 
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#19
Jan 06, 2009, 05:33 AM
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hahaa. I'd never thought of warming them up with a hair dryer before. I'll have to try that next time i get them, but.. I'm not going to be that silly lol
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#20
Jan 06, 2009, 12:43 PM
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oh I enjoyed that
... I'm kinda hoping for the said 'hair dying experience' I needed that, thank you 
__________________
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser So thanks for making me a fighter |
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