[Locust]

TRIGGER:

Wow. Okay this is something people with ED should prob. not read. It is something people with severe body issues should prob. not read. It is something that mentions some body parts not allowed to be shown in public, though I am not being perverse, at least not intentionally so, in any way. And it does allude to certain acts, but subtly, so nothing graphic or perverted, other than semi graphic descriptions of my body, and really they are not graphic compared to what I want to say about my body. Oh, and there is self hate here. May also unintentionally insult some people with physical issues or who have loved ones with these problems since I am talking about having little respect for my own health, and valueing looks above health. And it might trigger people with certain health issues since it mentions some specifically. So you've been warned.

Actual Post:

I don't know where this goes. I am obsessed with my looks- and everyone else's. I constantly stare at other women and compare myself. I make portfolios on my computer of beautiful women that I want to look like, but there is some practical purpose. I can try to excercise to achieve some of their physiques and I can also use the photos to show plastic surgeons. I have collaged images of specific body parts- not to be dehumanizing, but to focus on how I want that part of me to look, but I also save the woman's whole photograph.

I don't care about my health if it comes down between health and beauty. I care about my brain cells. I care about my health to a degree, since I want to be able to do certain things and I want to be fit. And I care about how I look. But I don't care if looking good means feeling sick and I don't care if it means risking death. I guess I care, but I'll risk it. I weigh whether to do something that will change my appearance based on, "can I get the money," "will it improve something about my looks," "will it cause any negative side effects where my looks are concerned, or where my brain is concerned," and "does it hurt anyone else?" That's it. If something said, "Risk of cancer and liver failure, and may cause pain, nausea, headaches, nose bleeds, etc." I'd be like, "Wow, that sucks, but- will it make me pretty?" I know how horrible it sounds and am so sorry if this hurts anyone. I have had many loved ones with cancer, and one who specifically had liver cancer. I would never want this to happen to me and if it did happen, I'd most likely feel it was NOT worth it, but at the same time, I am just being honest in saying I will risk a lot. I feel so shallow, but it's true. I would also want to know, "Will it do anything to damage my looks at the same time- is it an asthetic trad off?" And I'd want to know if it would hurt someone or somthing else, cause I don't want to go there.

I want to be tan. I love dark skin and pale skin, but I want to be tan. Everyone in my family tans so easily, except for me. I have NEVER had a tan and always wondered what I would look like with one. I have horrible skin, and I know darker skin tends to hide imperfections better. Pale skin looks great as does dark skin and when I was little, the model of the person I wanted to look like- well, I had a few diff. ones and of the two main ones, one was dark and one was pale. Yet, if you have hideous skin like me, pale skin is going to show it more. Plus, I know most men like darker skin. It's just how it is. And the guy I am with tells me thinks variety is beautiful, I am beautiful, and my skin is beautiful. He tells me to stay away from the tanning bed because it will hurt me. But I don't care about that. I know he prefers dark skin. I do know this and if I asked him straight out he'd have to tell me he did, lie, or plead the 5th. I want to be more attractive to him. I don't care if it's dangerous. He tries to make me feel beautiful, but if this will make me more attractive to him, I'd like to be able to do it somehow.

The only reasons I am not in a tanning bed right now, are aesthetic ones. Tanning beds might make me darker, but they will harm my looks in other ways. 1. They will age my skin faster, 2. They will also dry out and shrivel up my lips, and 3. They will make my skin drier, and dry flakey skin is not going to look as good as moisturized skin, nor will it feel as good to the touch. That is why I'm not in the tanning bed. Not because I care if I kill myself. I want a tan. *cries*

Why did I have to have pale skin? Why couldn't I tan easily? I burn in the sun all of the time and it sucks. I like to go outside without worrying I am going to burn. When I was a kid, I wore sunscreen and STILL blistered! Also, my eyes have been light sensitive, too. Why can't I enjoy the sun without going blind, squinting, with water running down my face and blisters all over? I like going outside, too. I have these tinted glasses (they change in the sun), but it sucks not being able to see what the colors should really look like in that light, all the time. It's not a big deal, I know- at least I can go in the sun, and at least I can see- but I guess I am just saying I wish I had more melanin for non-asthetic reasons, too.

I don't know what to do. I want this tan so badly, but I feel like I can't win. You can never win, you know. Never. I can stay pale, or I can get a tan MAYBE- if I am capable of tanning- but then I'll age more quickly, have dry skin, and dried up lips. I can't have all of the above. And then there's breasts......men want perky breasts. Big perky breasts. You can't have both! YOU CAN'T. Well, I take that back, you can on a VERY rare woman, IF she will have you, AND you can IF a woman has had surgery, but men like NATURAL, big, perky breasts. I cannot deliver. I can't do it. I just can't do it. You can't have all three. I have always been self conscious because my breasts sag. They have always sagged. I never knew what it was like to have perky breasts. My breasts sagged in middle school. I want perky breasts. If it wasn't for this guy I am with right now, I'd prob. prostitute myself just to pay for perky breasts. But then what? I'd have scars. And everyone would say, "Oh, she's so fake." But then most of the guys I see talking online are saying, "Fake is awful....oh, but it IS better than saggy." So no matter what I f*%^*^&*ing do, my breasts are going to be awful? F&&k!

Now, I can't say my breast issue has anything to do with this man, since he does nothing, but compliment them and has never made a remark about how much he likes perky ones. Not once has he said that. Although he has said nice things about my chest. But I have always been self conscious of them. Stupid, sagging skin gene. I hate my skin.

My cousin has a child, and no stretch marks. Believe that. And she is nearly 50, with VERY little wrinkling....and such smooth skin. And my other cousin is younger than me, but has a kid and she got no stretch marks during pregnancy, and within only two, maybe three months after giving birth, she was out in a belly shirt and looking GOOD. My stomach is....well, sometimes it is flat standing up, but sitting down....look, I know everyone's expands a little, but mine looks like a different person's stomach when I sit. I mean seriously it grows MUCH larger. It is not normal. I don't know if it's fat or if it's weak muscle or what because it is not nearly as large standing. Not even close. And to make my stomach flat, I have to make my face too thin, which makes me look older. I mean I can't win again. Do I want a thin, aged face, and a flat stomach, or do I want a round face, that looks more youthful, and a muffin top everytime I sit down?

And I got stretch marks when I entered puberty. And I've gained some since. I don't know why, but they are worse on my inner right thigh than the left one- MUCH worse. And it's horrible. I mean, no guy would ever want to look at that. I could never be a stripper, because you'd be doing a move and he'd see that inner right thigh and it's horrible, it even feels bad.

And I have had cellulite since sometime before I was 12. I wasn't even heavy. I was a skinny girl then and I had cellulite, and I was only 12 and a bean pole. Now, I have more. One butt cheek is bigger than the other. No joke. I think it's because something is wrong with my right side (and yes I have a good reason to think this, the calf messed up, then it was the foot, and now it's the knee) and I rely more on the left side, so maybe extra muscle built in my left lower side including beneath the fatty tissue of my butt. And while we are on skin- well, we were on skin- I also have some varicose veins, and well...I just think my skin is too wrinkled or loose in places...and then there is my secret shame.

The pores on my face are HUGE. Ants could crawl in there. I am serious, they are freakishly large. I know people complain about enlarged pores. I want those people's pores. That's how bad mine are. They really make large pores look, not so bad. I will not leave the house without foundation on, even though I am not a big makeup person. I carry my foundation with me when I can. If I take a bath with someone, I will wash my face beforehand, while alone, reapply foundation, and then we can bathe together, and I won't wash my face with them around. When I get in bed with another person, foundation stays on and may be reapplied before I fall asleep. When people tell me I am pretty, I think, "You haven't seen me with this makeup off." I look at myself sometimes without the foundation and think, "How could any man be attracted to this?" And then I almost feel guilty and ashamed like I am hiding this disgusting truth from them. But even with foundation, you can't totally hide the pores. And some days are worse than others. There is nothing I can do about it. You can't get rid of them entirely, apparently. I can't win.

And I know I am technically young, but I feel like I'm getting old. I feel jealous of all these younger women and these teenagers. And when I go out with younger friends, I feel like this odd one out, this old hag in the middle of everyone else.

I could go on about my mangey eyebrows or something else, but what's the point? *Sighs*

[oohitsjen]

You aren't alone. I, too, obsess over myself and have to restrain from looking in mirrors sometimes. I have pictures saved of so many people who I want to be, and would be happier being. The saying "You are you're own worst critic" really is true. You are beautiful, not just on the outside, but on the inside. Try this, whenever you are going over yourself in the mirror, judging every little thing, stop. Then say, out loud, "I am beautiful." Start finding more that you like about yourself, I think it would make you feel a lot better. :]

[Maven]

I am more concerned about my health than you, but I am horribly depressed about my body and my looks, and it's only gotten worse with age and weight gain. I not only want to look good for a partner (and I may not need a man, but I do want one), but I want to look good for myself and feel confident. I think it was Dove (http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/) that cited a study that said, of those women asked in several different countries (including the US), only 2% said they were happy with their appearance. How sad is that?

Look at the images we're inundated with. And on TV, on the Internet, and even among men you know (I bet), haven't you heard how they talk about "hot" women and put down "fat" and "ugly" women? It's hard to find approval of yourself from within when you get these messages all your life. I see it, and I realize people like this ("people," because it's not just men; women join in on making other women feel like crap about their looks) are jerks, and most of us have been guilty of being one of these jerks during our lifetime, but I still can't make myself be okay with how I look.

[Rhapsody]

Have you ever looked into a disorder call "Body Dismorphic Disorder" - BDD?

BDD FACTS
http://www.btinternet.com/~david.veale/bddinfo.html

BDD Website
http://www.butler.org/body.cfm?id=123

Screening Q&A
http://www.butler.org/body.cfm?id=236

Dr. Phillips On Oprah
http://blog.oup.com/2005/09/dr_katharine_ph/