Baby in Grad School?

So I'm 21 now and will graduate with my B.S. next May at 22. Chances are I will go straight to Grad School and start that at 23 and wont be done until I'm about 26. I want to have probably 2 kids and I know that after age 30 your chances of conceiving plus the risks associated with pregnancy go up dramatically. And to top it off, I have PCOS, so my chances of conceiving and having a perfectly healthy pregnancy aren't awesome to begin with.

I know several people on this site have their MS or Phd and was wondering if you thought that a child plus grad school is too much. There is a good chance that, not only will I have my tuition paid for but will also be a T.A. and get a stipend for that as well. And, if my boyfriend and I ended up getting married, he will be graduated with his MS in Dec. and probably end up getting a good-paying job with the Forest Service so money isn't really the issue.

I just don't know if grad school is better or worse than undergrad; more work or less work etc... and if it seems reasonable to have a child or get married while in grad school. I don't want to wait too long and not be able to have children - especially considering theres a chance I might not be able to anyways.

Does this sound like too much on my plate at once? The thing that made me start thinking about it was this past weekend - we went to his family's home about 2 hrs north of here and his cousins just had a baby maybe 7 months ago. And when they brought their baby in I saw his eyes light up and there was this look on his face that screamed "god I want a baby". I know he wants kids really bad and so do I (obviously this wouldnt be happening for a few more years). I just didn't know if that sounds like we would be getting in over our heads (if it ever came to that point of us getting married etc...)

I know a number of graduate students who are married. Some of them have small children. I'll admit that they are mostly male, but then I guess I mostly know male graduate students lol.

It does become an issue about when is a good time... The stats do change significantly from 35 - but still, is it a a good time before grad school, during grad school, after grad school (before getting a job), shortly after you get your first job???? There are pros and cons for all of those, I think. So really, when it comes down to it, I think it is more about what seems right for you and then making it work.

Graduate school is more work than being an undergrad. If you are in the US system then you have 2 (or possibly 3) years of coursework and your funding is dependent on your doing those courses. You will probably also have teaching requirements and so there is a lot of work to be staying caught up with and a lot of writing to be staying caught up with too.

Your fourth year on when you are basically writing up your dissertation there is more flexibility with respect to you basically doing your work and not so much needing to be at a certain place at a certain time (as with coursework). You could work from home a little more... But one can't both attend to kids and write... So things could be a little tricky, yeah. Basically... I think you would need him to be willing to do at least half of the caretaking stuff for it to be feasible. The guys I know seem to take half of the caretaking stuff and while it is hard for them they are managing. Instead of going out drinking with the others they are home with the kids. That being said it isn't social suicide because there are others in the same boat and you can always do dinner party / family friendly activities etc etc.

Personally (just me personally) I wouldn't panic until the age of 30. I'd want to get cracking then because the stats do change at the age of 35. Interesting to think that the stats USED to change at the age of 30 but modern medical advances etc etc have resulted in 35 now being considered significant. There are a number of women who do have healthy pregnancies after the age of 35 even and by the time you get to 35 the stats might have been pushed back to 40. I think you are worrying about this a little too soon... Once you have your first job (with maternity leave etc and decent health etc benefits) is probably the best time. I don't think they are allowed to ask you about your plans to have children on hiring committees in the US at least.

But you do need to do what seems right to you of course. Do you have a doctor who you can trust to talk this over with? Might be nice to get some reassurance / honest advice from a health professional who has seen the kinds of problems etc that are concerning you. They may also be able to consider how severe your PCOS is to determine whether you are likely to have trouble conceiving and whether there are potential ways around that (e.g., preembryonic implants which potentially MIGHT be covered on some health insurance plans if not graduate student health insurance plans OR financially feasible with two incomes.).

As a parent my self (boys 24 & 19) and a handicap daughter that passed away at age ten - I would not recommend you trying to take on grad school and a child if you are not already pregnant.... wait until you are more settle and can give the unconditional time and love a newborn requires & needs.

Best Wishes when you do conceive and birth your first born.

salukigirl, I think you're thinking too far ahead. You're young yet and don't know what the future holds even thought you are envisioning some plans. I would wait to really think about all this at least until you are married.

I don't think you have to worry about the age thing so much. I believe it's age 35, not 30, that fertility really begins to decline. I had my babies at age 30 and 34 and had no trouble conceiving. I had my first one during my last year in grad school (I have a PhD). It probably delayed my receiving my degree by at least a year. I remember writing my dissertation in the evenings when my baby was about 1 year old. I worked during the day and the only time I had to write was at night. I just had to barricade myself in my bedroom and let my husband take care of her. When my daughter was younger, I had a hard time finding time to write. I hired a babysitter to take care of her for 3 mornings a week but found that I was so exhausted that during this time I went to sleep instead of writing.

Do you know what field you want to go into? Grad school is easier in some fields than others. I don't think it is wise to defer your career plans because of having babies as what often happens is you get so busy with being a mom that you never go back and go to grad school. So grad school first is the way to go, IMO.

Good luck.

I know, I can't help it lol I'm an uber planner and do everything waaaaay in advance - which I realize is probably not always a good thing. The thing I'm worried about is my PCOS. I have been exercising more to keep my weight down (a big factor in PCOS) and started on an extremely low dose BC to also help with the hormonal part to keep it under control. I haven't had a cyst rupture in a while but you never know.

I don't think I would ever do the whole leave then never go back thing. My boyfriend and I have talked about it and every time he says that school is the most important thing and he wants me to put my education first so there isn't any pressure from him, really. I think I'm just seeing all my friends getting married and getting pregnant and it's making my ovaries go crazy! lol

Right this moment I know 5 pregnant women and another one of my friends is getting married in August. Plus another 2 or 3 of my friends have gotten married within the last year so I guess I'm just surrounded by it and I know that many women on this site have had children in grad school. I know it'll be hard but I guess I know when I'm ready.

Thanks guys.

Saluki,
I'm your age, so I dont really know from first hand experience. But I also dont think your planning too early. These are things that girls at our age just think about. It's not exactly planning.. It's just.. thinking. I'm kind of the same way, but about a wedding and marriage instead of children. And I dont even have a ring on my finger yet!

But, I know my mom went back to school when I was younger. She got a.. degree in public administration, I believe. I was probably 2 or so, and my sister was probably 5 or 6. I turned out okay, lol. The only long term results from her having a kid while being in grad school was, well... Her text books have some crayon scribblings in them (I know in one book, she had written her name inside the front cover, and I scribbled underneath cause I wanted to write in there like she did). If I were you and wanted to have kids sooner rather than later, I guess, I would rather have children first then let them get a bit older -- to where they can go to day care -- and then go back to school. I'd hate to get pregnant in the middle of it all, especially a first pregnancy. Yeah, I guess thats my overall opinion. Get pregnant before or after grad school, but never during.

Okay, I'm just rambling. Sorry. Try and just go with the flow, and not worry about everything. Just think, no planning or worrying

Ro