[vickysomers]

Hello everyone,
I was hoping to get some advice on an engagement issue that I'm currently having. Its kinda long but please bear with me. I need to hear some opinions on what I did wrong as a woman getting married and if there was anything that my mother and I should have done differently. To avoid arguments.

My boyfriend told my parents about the engagement and she expressed her thoughts and gave her congratulations. The next question was when is the date. Initially I told my mother that I don't know, I started playing around with dates as it related to a possible move, and the transferring of school in August. I said the first weekend in August.

My mother and sister was upset that I wasn't telling anyone anything and started to say that I should be talking to her. But I didn't know myself. Talking to my sister, she said that I should atleast start talking to my parents about details, so I did. I told my mother that I wanted something small and that I wanted the wedding to occur in August at the time it was January when I told her this. She immediately thought that was to soon. I told her that I wanted to do something that was economically feasible, something cute without the price tag. I wanted all the things that would be important to me, a nice dress, cake, invitations and then everything else was secondary.

When I told my mother that I wanted to wear a very pale yellow dress, not a white one she shot down my idea. A couple of days later she blurted out "why are you wearing yellow have you ever been married before? only women that have been married before were colors" I told her that I wanted to wear it because its my wedding. Every time I tried to include my mother she always had some negative comment. I even went over my thoughts of what I wanted to do with her, bouquet, photographer etc, etc.

I started showing my mother pictures of dresses on line and showing her what I wanted to get. By then it had been the end of February. My mother or father didn't say that they are going to contribute in any way shape or form. I told my friends and people that are very close to me and they volunteer their services after a month or so or they would intially say " I want to do this for you" After several weeks of asking me what was going on with my wedding my girlfriend volunteered to get my cake and I said, yes.

I was giving my mother another update ( about the 4th) when I mentioned that she was getting the cake for me.

We finally had a long discussion (that brought me to tears, my father saying that I'm an intelligent woman but I'm talking like an idiot, and my mother saying that I went about my entire engagement wrong, and the fact that I took a vacation to my country so that he can meet my real father was a waste of time and then my mother saying " it wasn't a waste of time because she loves him more than us", there is an issue of my parents not meeting his parents before the engagement, but it just didn't work out like that, I haven't even meet his dad because they are not close) and she started to say that the parents are supposed to get the cake, the dress and invites. They were pissed because I'm acting like this is my second marriage and I told them how am I suppose to know about what you want to do for me, if you don't say anything.

Additionally, I tried to involve my mother. I even asked her about her pastor and I wanted to talk to him so that he can be the officiant she said, I don't want you talking to my pastor, (because I said a long time ago that the church services were too long, and she doesnt even go to the same church). When she said that I just said that's fine and thought that my fiancee and I would have to get an officiant.

This day that should be a joyous event is not turning into that. I don't know what I did and where I went wrong. I want my family there but it seems as if the way that they think and I think are different.

What do I do?????????????

Sorry for the long post I just wanted to state the facts without anyone having a bias reaction.

[salukigirl]

wow. I think I would be the same way as you right now! a lot of young people are changing weddings around like crazy. girls having brides-men instead of brides maids etc...

I personally don't see anything wrong with a yellow dress or cupcakes instead of a cake or any of the other things people are making traditional now a days.

Is your mother normally like that? Seems like she should want whatever is best for you and whatever makes you happy and, no, I don't think 8 months is too short of time to plan a wedding. I don't really see anything wrong with the ideas that you just said or the way you went about them.

A lot of people feel uncomfortable flat out asking "what are you contributing to my wedding?" and different people have different customs of who pays for what etc... so sometimes it's best to put it in a way that doesn't seem like you're making it about the money.

Like saying something to the effect of "my friend (insert name here) said she wanted to buy my wedding cake but I wanted to ask you first to see if that was something you wanted to do with me". That way it seems like the main motivation is making your mother involved and not you scrounging for money.

Another thing is that a lot of parents think that, if they contribute, that means they can pretty much run the wedding. I have been engaged before and the only thing I let my parents have any monetary say in was my dress because my mom and dad both have good taste when it comes to that. but stuff like invitations, brides maids etc.... I was paying for because I knew they would pick something I hated and I couldn't say a word about it if they were paying for it.

So really, I don't think you did anything wrong but you know your mom better than I do. Those are just a few suggestions I have from dealing with it myself once. Good luck with it!

[Rhapsody]

Sounds like your sister and parents are hurt and they are taking it out on you and your wedding plans.... try to do what you can to include them as much as possible with out letting them take your SPECIAL DAY away from you.

If I was your sister or mother I would give my advice and opinion when asked, but in the end I would want you to do what made you happy, not me.