[IceCreamKid]

Let me preface this by saying this person is in tight with the boss (who has also been verbally abusive, and who thinks being mean to people is funny).

Also, the verbally abusive coworker has said in the past (excused herself, really) that it is "understandable" that someone "goes off" on others "when the person has had a bad day".

So lately, this abusive coworker has become increasingly abusive towards me. I have "fixed it" in the past by not talking to her unless I had to, but when I did talk to her I was polite and pleasant.

Now she has taken to "taking exception" to things I say when I am talking to our other coworker. She interjects herself into our conversation and addressing only me, she makes nasty remarks in a hard, hateful, loud tone of voice. This last time she did this I turned and walked away.

I understand she is under stress at home. I also understand she thinks that mistreating others is ok because she is under stress. She appears to be looking for a fight which I am uninterested in giving her. Let me just say that my own illness is nothing to mess with, and it is all I can do to control myself on a daily basis; when she starts this, my suicidal ideation comes roaring back.

I can further reduce her outbursts by not having any unnecessary conversation with her or our other coworker in her presence; but I know she will only wait for another opportunity; and I also already know the boss will take her side because they share the same love of mistreating others. It was all I could do to control myself this last time, so please don't abuse me here or make snarky remarks or suggest humor; I'm trying to stay alive here and I need my job, unlike the people I work with, who all have other means of support.

Is there anything I can say or do that will make her stop?

[Perna]

I think you need to stand up to her instead of walking away; that only lets her get away with her bad behavior.

If she interrupts your conversations with another, you interrupt her interruption with your very real anger; why are you taking it out on yourself with suicidal ideation instead of letting her have it with both barrels?

"Hey! I'm talking to Suzy-Q here, not you, why don't you get on with your own business and let us get on with ours?" and then turn back to Suzy-Q and continue where you two left off. Keep what you say factual and she doesn't have a leg to stand upon. It is not teasing, abuse, not arguing/fighting; it is stating fact and setting down boundaries.

If the situation is that toxic that you think it injures your health, why are you staying there?

[ECHOES]

I agree with Perna, that addressing her right in the moment it's happening is best.
Be as nice and pleasant as you always are, and tell her "I am not talking to you, I am talking to (other co-worker). I don't appreciate you interrupting and I don't care for your tone of voice." Then say nothing, and expect her to walk away.

As far as stating that it is reasonable for people to act out when they are having a bad day, if that topic comes up again I would say that it is unprofessional to act out and it is unkind to treat others in that way.

[unaluna]

Or Miss Manners recommended repeating, "Excuse me?" when people said rude things to you. I did this with my mom.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by hankster

Or Miss Manners recommended repeating, "Excuse me?" when people said rude things to you. I did this with my mom.

But "excuse me" doesn't say anything about being unwilling to tolerate the intrusion or the mistreatment.

Firmly, yet calmly stating "IT IS NOT OKAY TO ADDRESS ME THAT WAY" is one method I have used in the past.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

However, I must honestly say that rarely can we change other people, and since working in a toxic work environment is not good for one's sanity, all I can say is to stand up for yourself the best you can and in the meantime start looking for another job in a healthier work environment.

It may take a while, but at least you'll know you are being proactive about making a change for the better.

[optimize990h]

That kind of behaviour creates a toxic work environment.

In our local government, the people who are bullies are either promoted or moved laterally to another position.

You need to document this. Day and time and nature of the insult. Please try to get the bully to sign it. Mention that "your advisor" suggested that it was important.

Another idea that just came to mind is to flip out one of those handheld recorders and ask if they mind repeating what they just said ... Maybe keep it on hand and pull it out and turn it on everytime they start one of their tirades ... That ought to give them pause ...

Actually, that's a darn good idea ... I might just do that myself if I ever find myself in another one of those situations ... Don't say nothing, just flip it out and press record ... Cool ... !!!

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

But "excuse me" doesn't say anything about being unwilling to tolerate the intrusion or the mistreatment.

The way miss manners did it, you forced the person to keep repeating their rude comment. So you literally did not hear it until you heard something acceptable coming from their mouth. I like it because the other person can't tell the boss, "she said x y z" cuz hey all YOU said was excuse me. It gives them less ammunition to use against you, which is always good in my book. Then again, it might just make them madder. If they are out to get you, you won't win no matter what.

[ECHOES]

I understand, but Miss Manners is not about assertiveness. Etiquette can be too passive, indirect, too much guessing going on.

[liveforfish]

Can you go to Human Resources? Document every rude comment and date. Keep a journal to present at your meeting.

I recently had to do the same and now things are much better. We were forced to meet together with HR. We were able to talk things out. She told me how my actions affected her and I was able to do the same.

We now get along quite well.

[IceCreamKid]

Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and advice. It helps to be able to unburden here. I hope each of you has a good day today.

[AAAAA]

I’m so sorry Ice Cream. Is it possible for you to address her directly? When she interjects herself into your conversation, can you say: “I’m sorry I was speaking to Jane.” Frankly I agree with everyone else. A bully will bully you just as long as you allow it. Stand up for yourself and they'll find an easier target.

It really annoys me when people think that just because their life is stressful that they can visit those issues on me! We ALL have issues! We ALL have things going on in our lives. That does not give you the excuse to be rude!

Everywhere you work there’s that one person that is just miserable. And they’re always friends with the boss.

I do like Hanster's approach, I use a similiar one on children. AAAAA does not understand you when you're whining, yelling, carrying on.

[cool09]

Are these personal attacks or more general attacks? I've had both working at lots of jobs (blue and white collar jobs). I understand that my work was not satisfactory a lot of the time (on really difficult jobs) but I never accepted why workers/supervisors would take scathing shots at me. People seem to get offensive if you're having trouble socializing or communicating - they never pick up that there might be a problem.

I would get comments from "You don't look happy", "You're not social", "You don't smile" to a very personally abusive supervisor who would say petty and smartass things like "You need someone to hold your hand", "I've never had a relationship like the one I have with you", "You don't joke around", "You seem hesitant" and constantly raise his voice at me. And this was with the USAF. I finally quit and filed bankruptcy.

[luvinglife2012]

Ice Cream, what have you decided to do? I would like to hear an update to your situation. I believe you could help others who have the same problem.

Everyone here has said pretty much said the same thing I would have suggested.

[waiting anxiously]

[adubya]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

Let me preface this by saying this person is in tight with the boss (who has also been verbally abusive, and who thinks being mean to people is funny).

Also, the verbally abusive coworker has said in the past (excused herself, really) that it is "understandable" that someone "goes off" on others "when the person has had a bad day".

So lately, this abusive coworker has become increasingly abusive towards me. I have "fixed it" in the past by not talking to her unless I had to, but when I did talk to her I was polite and pleasant.

Now she has taken to "taking exception" to things I say when I am talking to our other coworker. She interjects herself into our conversation and addressing only me, she makes nasty remarks in a hard, hateful, loud tone of voice. This last time she did this I turned and walked away.

I understand she is under stress at home. I also understand she thinks that mistreating others is ok because she is under stress. She appears to be looking for a fight which I am uninterested in giving her. Let me just say that my own illness is nothing to mess with, and it is all I can do to control myself on a daily basis; when she starts this, my suicidal ideation comes roaring back.

I can further reduce her outbursts by not having any unnecessary conversation with her or our other coworker in her presence; but I know she will only wait for another opportunity; and I also already know the boss will take her side because they share the same love of mistreating others. It was all I could do to control myself this last time, so please don't abuse me here or make snarky remarks or suggest humor; I'm trying to stay alive here and I need my job, unlike the people I work with, who all have other means of support.

Is there anything I can say or do that will make her stop?

Probably not. I'd start looking for another job.

[eggsinfinitum]

Well, Ice Cream, I hope you are doing well, sounds like a very stressful environment for anyone to be in. Just want to add food for thought- I only say this 'cause I've been there, but think about why the bullies pick on you, and how you can change so as to become less of a target. I'm not saying anything is wrong with you! Just notice the people those bullies do not pick on, or pick on less, and how they treat/respond to the bullies. I have successfully confronted my workplace bullies- one directly, one with sarcasm- and have learned I was making it easier for them to pick on me because I was always showing my (mostly negative) feelings and not going with the flow. There are still issues, but I am a much better, happier person now & am thankful for the experience. Hope this makes sense & helps. Take care!

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by luvinglife2012

Ice Cream, what have you decided to do? I would like to hear an update to your situation. I believe you could help others who have the same problem.

Everyone here has said pretty much said the same thing I would have suggested.

[waiting anxiously]

I think it depends on the specific circumstances.

I have solved this problem by continuing to avoid the woman. When I must speak to her I am pleasant and polite.

I quite agree that the best response to an abusive atmosphere is to seek a better atmosphere. I know another job is in my future.

[Belmore]

I had a abusive co-worker too we had a argument I've told my supervisor and she's been avoiding me ever since. Which is fine with me . Does your idiotic boss not have a boss over him? I go to the next in line when my immediate boss does not want to do anything. Which is rarely the case.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Belmore

I had a abusive co-worker too we had a argument I've told my supervisor and she's been avoiding me ever since. Which is fine with me . Does your idiotic boss not have a boss over him? I go to the next in line when my immediate boss does not want to do anything. Which is rarely the case.

I've given it quite a lot of thought since I posted this and read everyone's replies. Where I work punishes people who go up the chain of command. HR's function is to enforce and to support the boss structure. The boss structure comes first and is foremost. Bosses can do no wrong unless a bigger boss says so. This structure is a breeding ground for bullies.

I haven't argued with my abusive co-worker. There is no need for discussion with her; she made her point clear when she told me she thought it was okay to go off on people when she was having a bad day. I expressed to her I thought a purposefully polite and pleasant work environment served everyone better and she looked at me like I had two heads.

I still think avoiding her is the best solution for now; if what her problem with me is me, then removing me from her view is the polite thing to do. I keep in mind she and the boss are 'partners in crime.'

For everyone who wonders why I just don't get another job; I am in the process of doing so.