[Dahlia Richardson]

I'm in my mid-twenties, I have 2 degrees, working a job [in my chosen career field] that doesn't even allow me to cover basic/cheapest rent. I currently live with my parents to get by and I'm trying (so very hard) to look at this job as an important entry into the job market.

But my optimism has been bashed and beaten bloody by a certain situation and I need to get it off my chest. If anyone can offer someone constructive advice, I would be so grateful.
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I have very conservative Christian parents who have certain ideals about life that I have long since shed and will never ever revert to. I am my own person and I have grown to love myself more from acknowledging and accepting the fact that I'm a liberal thinker who is accepting of everybody.

My parents have been helping me out, however, and for that I am so grateful and I understand they deserve my respect and honor. However, I fear that they're using my impoverished situation to try to bully and control me.

My current "job" requires that I have a vehicle to do occasional errands. My parents have two cars and they very kindly loaned me one for which I'm grateful. The other day my father got angry at me, threatened to hit me in the face and then took back the keys to the car.
I got to work ok using public transport but I was a sitting duck not able to run errands for my boss. I had make up excuses, obfuscate as to why I didn't have the car that day. I felt humiliated.

I understand that it is his car and he has every right to demand it but I think taking the car away when I needed it for work was particularly vicious of him. Please note kind reader, I only use the car for work. I never use it for leisure. Even more, I contribute from my small paycheck towards gas.

Honestly, I felt like I was being beaten over the head and being jockeyed around. Worse, when I came home that day my father made cracks at my predicament and looked like he genuinely enjoyed my suffering.

Here's the background story that expounds on my father's rage towards me (If you're not interested- because it is a bit of a sidetrack-skip to the core question below)
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I hesitate to say this for fear that I'm blowing things out of proportion or making inappropriate connections, but I think his anger towards me was due to very deep set chauvinistic tendencies. I say this because at one point in time, he use to beat my mother. However, a few years ago he got baptized and told my mother that he repented for his behaviour.

My mother had complained the weekend (right before the car was taken away) that my room was a mess and got mad about it. I asked her not get mad about such silly matter. It then escalated and culminated in her calling me disgrace and implied that I didn't try hard enough which was why I was in my current job predicament.

Reader, while I'm no neat freak, I'm no pig either. I'm somewhere closer to the neat side of the spectrum with a tad bit of messiness, such as leaving clothes I've tried on and rejected on my bed (never on the floor) in the mornings in the rush to to get to work or leaving my cup of tea on a table room, again in a rush to leave in the morning or maybe lazing around on weekends instead of waking up early to vacuum/clean.

Also, with regards to the 'not trying harder' comment, I've tried my hardest to find a steady job. I have even gone back to school to complete a 1 YR masters to try and improve my chances.

But continuing on, my mother's habit is to run to my father and tell her own version of a tale. Normally, I would play this game and try also relay my side of the story before my father made any kind of biased judgement. However, I decided that weekend that I wasn't going to engage in this tiring, rehashed game of 'tattle and tell' with my father acting as judge and juror. When I told (very calmly) my father that I would not tell my side of the story because I was done with the whole affair, he accused me of showing lack of respect towards them, got mad, told me I acted too proud as I had nothing to show for myself and of course this led to the car being taken away.

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Core Question.

My pride is telling me not to ask for the car (I'm in my mid-twenties not a errant teenager!) but my head is telling my that if I don't humble myself and persuade my father to once again let me borrow the car then I'm going to lose my job and hope of getting career related job experience (And then I will really be failure that my mother secretly thinks I am).

Honest Advice?

Thanks.

Please don't flame me for grammatical errors, dropped words..etc. I'm in a very weird state of mind while writing this.

[Nicks_Nose]

What matters is what you think of yourself. If you have no vehicle at this time, and cannot afford to lease one or buy a second hand vehicle, I would suggest being honest with your employer and simply saying that situations at home have left you without a vehicle. If your boss dismisses you for that, then it is not a judgment on yourself, simply the situation at hand. The position required certain abilities and one of them you could not fulfill at this time, through no fault of your own. Seek another position that you can better comply with for now until you are better situated. Perhaps your boss might even be able to provide something for you to drive or have another position for you to fill but place the driving duties upon somebody else. This is called negotiation. Express your desire to remain with this employer.

[brainhi]

Wow...I really feel for your situation. Nicks Nose had very good advice.

I wish you strength to get through this. May you be around people that care about you and treat you well very soon.

If you ever want to talk, you can PM me.

[Perna]

I am concerned about the job and why you would get fired for not running errands for the boss; that is not giving you any good experience in your field unless you are working for a messenger company or something :-) I do not know how long you have been at this job but if it is so basic it does not make you enough to support yourself, I do not see how it is helping much or how you can expect to get a better-paying job out of that that you could not get now?

Is a car required for all jobs in this field? If so, before you can work in that field, you need to get your own car. I think you should get a job that pays better, maybe not in your field, and find someone to share an apartment with and get on with your own life instead of trying to straddle two lives; your seemingly abusive, stifling childhood one and your new adult one.

While living at home, you have to live by your parents rules; it's that simple. Technically, I would say that now you are an adult, you should be paying rent to your parents, maybe some toward food and doing the "usual" chores around the household -- cooking, cleaning, etc.

Were I you, I would apologize to your mother, sweetly for not keeping your space as neat as she would like and tell her you will try hard to do better in the future -- all within your father's hearing. Later I would ask my father if I might borrow the car again. I would work hard on whatever free time I had to find another, better-paying job that did not require having a car and would look into the roommate/rental market and play with my budget. I was living at home at your age but my stepmother called me "stupid" one time too many. You'd be surprised what you can do/figure out when you are feeling disrespected

[brainhi]

As you form a plan to takes steps to change your home life and career ...you will start feeling better. Have the strength to tolerate the situation while you are working on changing it.

I'm currently working on the some of the same things...but I am not being emotionally abused...but having a hard time finding understanding - the forums help

I'm not sure why the focus is on the job so much. There are lots of jobs that require somebody to run occasional errands. I think there are a lot of emotions and control issues going on at home. Taking the car away like that seems really unfair to me. He agreed to loan it to you. This isn't some random job. Hopefully it is a stepping stone. You will probably get the car back pRetty easily because it is an easy thing to manipulate you with. He might want you to grovel.

Once you get passed that I propose a rental agreement. You already contribute financially so I think it is fair. Come up with a written agreement that spells out what areas of the house are yours and what is common. How much you will pay. And a car agreement. If he wants to keep the tank filled and the car clean that could be part of it. If he wants compensation down the road you could negotiate. Maybe you need to agree to set up a plan to buy a used car. Would a scooter work? A used one isn't very expensive at all. The idea is to get some control back and to set up some boundaries so that you aren't surprised and loose the car again. It sounds very frustrating.

They may not agree to a contract but it is worth a shot. If not maybe you need to hold your breath until you can leave.

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Hey Dahlia, I was wondering if there are any updates to your situation? Did things get better? Have you all been able to negotiate and establish boundaries? Did you take anyone's advice?

Hope all is well.