I'm a middle aged male on disability right now, but my working life never got started, it's been a series of jobs where I was either underpaid (below minimum wage even), or temporary jobs, or part time work.

This has had a negative effect on just about every aspect of my life. I didn't socialise as much because I wasn't in any particular job for very long, and I was unable to approach women for dating because I didn't have money or was unemployed or underemployed (not working many hours).

I suppose it all started from lack of effort or concentration in anything. I just drifted through school, and when that was over, I drifted through employment I guess. I have sometimes been reluctant to accept work because I feel like I would be stuck in that particular job forever, probably because, as I said, I tend to just drift through life without making changes.

So I stuck with unemployment instead, and now I'm on disability for mental health problems, although I don't really know if I should be on it.

I really regret not making more of an effort to focus on a career or a line of work, but I'm sure if I had my time again I would just head down the same road. It's hard to change behaviours like this.

My thinking has always been that if I can't do something the way I want to do it, then it's not worth doing. This kind of thinking still keeps me from looking for work today, because it won't be the work that I want, necessarily, so I just avoid doing anything, even if it's better than doing nothing.

That has always been my line of thought, and I suppose as soon as my situation became bad in terms of work prospects, I started to avoid, or at least become less than 100% committed to employment.

I have social anxiety disorder, and I don't have many life skills, so I really had to have a specific skill set in order to find employment, which I didn't get. So my options suddenly became unskilled, isolated work, which were not very appealing.

Right now I am 37, so it's basically too late for me to return to study anything, plus I wonder if I could even concentrate enough. My memory is pretty bad also, and whenever I think about doing anything I wonder if there is even a point to doing so. Because as I said, I have the social anxiety disorder which is always holding me back.

[Tauren]

What do you LIKE doing?

Nothing really.

[Jan1212]

YeH I did- I dropped out of art school went a couple years in and out of local odd jobs.. Just quitting them cause it sucked so bad and I didn't even want to get out of bed. I signed up for a local entrance exam and failed to get in the program. That made me try harder and I got in the next year. That got my career started, I'm literally on my way to an interview.. Feeling unmotivated though

[fallsfall]

Hi Illegal,

It sounds like you do want to make progress towards a good job. That's the first step. Do you have a therapist? They might be able to help you to identify areas that might be interesting to you. They might also be able to help you make different choices that would help lead to different outcomes.

Social Security has some programs that are designed to help people get their work lives started again. You might want to look into the Ticket to Work program. I was on disability for 10 years, did the Ticket to Work program and have been employed for 7 years now, so it really can help. Basically, the first step was to meet with a vocational counselor. They had me take a bunch of tests to find my strengths and interests. Then we chose a career goal and made a plan for me to get there. It took me a couple of years to finish it, but it did work for me.

Working has been so much better for my mental health than disability was. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely needed disability, but as I started to get better being "disabled" was really not helping my self-esteem.

Good luck.

[hvert]

I just talked to someone today whose boyfriend started his first desk job today at 45. He'd done manual labor all his life. It's not too late at 37.

[StrongerMan]

Hi illegal,

I haven't been around here for a while but I was motivated to check out the forum and I saw your post. I feel very similar to what you have expressed. I grew up with an alcoholic father and never developed much self esteem or a sense of identity to be able to properly care for myself entering adulthood. My household growing up was chaotic and unpredictable so I pretty much just gave up on trying to control my own happiness and destiny in life. Nothing I have ever done since has been toward a goal for the future. I guess I never felt there was a future to look forward to or that I could affect for the better. I just went to college since that was what others expected. But I never thought of it as a means to an end (career). I just wandered through aimlessly trying to graduate but with no plan. It was the same with any jobs I got. I took what I could get and ended up in unfulfilling situations that often ended with me finally leaving with never having really tried to take advantage of opportunities. Friendships etc... have also been similarly affected. Dating has become impossible for me at this point. I gave up on ever making much money, buying a house, having a family and everything that goes with it.

I eventually came to the conclusion that I have been avoiding and hiding my way through life in much the same way as I did when I was a boy when being invisible was the only means of not angering my father. I've seen therapist after therapist and it all seems to come down to me changing the way I view other people and how I perceive they see me. I grew to have little trust in others and to expect them to judge me harshly and reject me. And even if they didn't, I just chalked it up to them trying to exploit me for their own gain. This all has become a hurculean task that has been impossible for me to make much progress with. And the longer I go, the more shame I feel for being unable to change... and the more I avoid the whole problem. I often just feel hopeless about it all because the only solution is to do that which is intolerable for me. I envy the people on shows like Live Free or Die who live their life without having to rely on tons of other people to approve them. Yet I don't really want to live that kind of lifestyle, away from society. But the alternative means relying on other people too much; making myself vulnerable to them or using them which seems wrong to me. I don't have the people gene but I need to find a way to let other people help me and make my life enjoyable. There just seems to be no place for me.

I could go on and on but I just wanted to reply and let you know that I relate to your situation and know how exasperating and disheartening it is. I don't have any answers other than simply changing thoughts which changes feelings which leads to changing behavior and happier outcomes in life. But there is no quick fix that can heal a person when their brain has been formatted to operate in dysfunctional ways... or at least ways that make it harder to fit into this world.

Best of luck,
Strongerman

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

My thinking has always been that if I can't do something the way I want to do it, then it's not worth doing. - This made me smile.

I think I might know why your working life has been a little chequered.

[Cat_Lover_58]

Hey Illegal!

I was thinking to myself that I'd love to be 37 and having options! I'm 57 and working part-time. I like where I work, but standing for long hours without a break is tough. I'm applying to other work to supplement what I make and trying to get a job where I'm not standing all the time. (just applied for a receptionist job)

I've bounced around with work, school...got married, had children...I never had a straight plan or any direction. Now at my age, it's more important to be content with what I do. I won't ever be rich, but I can support myself adequately. I've screwed up many opportunities but that's behind me. You can't go back...

Best of luck to you! Cat

Originally Posted by fallsfall

Hi Illegal,

It sounds like you do want to make progress towards a good job. That's the first step. Do you have a therapist? They might be able to help you to identify areas that might be interesting to you. They might also be able to help you make different choices that would help lead to different outcomes.

Social Security has some programs that are designed to help people get their work lives started again. You might want to look into the Ticket to Work program. I was on disability for 10 years, did the Ticket to Work program and have been employed for 7 years now, so it really can help. Basically, the first step was to meet with a vocational counselor. They had me take a bunch of tests to find my strengths and interests. Then we chose a career goal and made a plan for me to get there. It took me a couple of years to finish it, but it did work for me.

Working has been so much better for my mental health than disability was. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely needed disability, but as I started to get better being "disabled" was really not helping my self-esteem.

Good luck.

Yes I agree that disability might not be needed much longer and I am starting to get bored in unemployment and might find work more beneficial.

What career path did you choose? I kind of want to choose a path but immediately I see that there are roadblocks, such as my poor communication skills, memory loss, depression, etc.

I don't have a therapist right now, or a vocational counsellor. I might ask if there is something like the program you mentioned to help me get back into work from disability.

Hello Illegal. Work for me was never a question. I grew up on a 440 acre dairy farm. Busy is not the word! And i worked hard manual labor jobs, then got into other government jobs but a labotimized monkey chained to the key board (boring). I was grateful for the money but never had any time. And when the other jobs i had the time but not the money. that is characteristic of a lot of people i must say. i too tended to drift through life. at the end my work ethic darn near killed me. it disabled me permanently. be grateful you have disability. pursue crafts or trades that you like to build self esteem. you can grow as a person, with the time and money now. you learn to adjust to disability and being on it. and you learn to love your surroundings the more you give yourself acceptance of who you are as a person. this is constant work which i go on. do things for yourself, what you enjoy and like to do. the rest will flow for you. hope this helps. blessings.

I just think I have avoided life experiences in favour of staying in my comfort zone, and I have done that all my life. For example, it's easier to stay home than it is to go somewhere, so I have mostly chosen to stay home. This is why I am regretting my past, and it's why I haven't worked much as well probably.

I never really had a dream job but I kind of thought I would like to be a computer programmer. That didn't work out and I realised very early on that I didn't even like programming, it was just boring and soulless work. Rather than try and look for something else to study, I stayed in school for computer programming for some reason and just failed for a few years, partly due to not attending classes, partly due to not doing the work. Like I said, I have a habit of not changing things I don't like, and just going with the flow. I regret this.

Anyway, then that finished and I just went out and looked for work without any real qualifications. My attitude to looking for work has been the same I guess, very half-hearted, without a lot of thought, and also there was a feeling of hopelessness about it. I didn't think anyone would hire me, and if they did it would be in a job that I hated. I had no people skills either, and due to my social phobia I found the social aspect of work very intimidating. I found out that I was unable to work in an office environment; i just felt out of place or something in a white-collar setting, idk.

Eventually I found myself doing less full-time work and more temp work. Over the years the temp work became less frequent or with fewer hours.

Then around the age of 30 I had some major anxiety problems and I didn't work for a couple of years. Then I worked for a year or so in my early/mid 30s. I haven't really worked since.

I have regretted my semi-employment all my life, and was always jealous of people who had stable employment or a career. I'm tired of always thinking about that, and whether I even want it or not. I think I do want it; i think people are judged primarily on their employment.

IDK whether i'm just on disability because it's a good way to avoid having to face this employment crisis that I have. Sure i have my mental problems, but idk if they are really prohibiting me from employment or whether it's just a way of opting out because i am stuck and indecisive about it.

[fallsfall]

Hi Illegal,

I was a software engineer in my previous life. I worked for startups and it was incredibly stressful. I now am a public librarian. I focus on the technology aspects - keeping all the computer stuff running. Reducing the stress was key for me.

Ticket to Work is essentially vocational counseling. They can help you identify what jobs you would be a good match for.

It was important for me to ease into things. I did some volunteering to increase my confidence. You are so appreciated when you volunteer - they are getting something for nothing. But the pressure is less than working. It would let you try out getting out on a schedule and interacting with people.

Eventually, I was offered a part time job as the children's librarian. Then I went back to school and here I am.

Volunteering is a great way to start. Good luck!

[stewartmays1]

been out of work for 15 years now just cant get thing going cant get a job for love nor money but i still think its possible to do something you want at any age just gotta get out thier and get it