[sukothefox]

Hello everyone.
I wanted to talk about some issues I have with my dad regarding my career choices. You see, my dad considers himself a "pragmatic" and a no-nonsense individual (ironically, he believes in acupuncture and other forms of woo). Before embarking on a long story, I will make my main thesis clear: My dad seems to want me to be as successful as everyone else he knows, not as successful as I want to be.

Everything began when I started college. I have always been a bookworm who loves to learn about different subjects. In my first year and a half, I received good, albeit not excellent, grades. After that, I became a straight A student just by applying a little bit of organization in my studies (I have ADD diagnosed by a psychiatrist). I was always proud of my grades, as anyone with those marks would be. The problem was that my dad barely seemed to make any fuss about it. He merely said "good job, son!" if at all. My mother was way more expressive. My mother would mention that I got on the Dean's list for the third time, whereas my dad didn't even remember what the Dean's list was. BUT, when it came to minor mistakes I did, he was the first one to put in his two cents. His reactions would range from a not-so-veiled head shaking, to calling me useless (even though some of the things I "couldn't do" were caused by him, such as when he pulled the hand brake way too hard, causing it to get stuck. When I went to his room to ask him to fix that because it was too hard, he woke up and called me stupid and useless. I responded by telling him that he was the useless and stupid one for ruining my hand brake. He responded with a loud **** you, and went back to sleep. A neighbor ended up helping me). In the last year of college, I became engaged in research with two professors, and learned a great deal about cognitive tests, psychometrics, SPSS, children, education, bilingualism, and research in general. I networked, and have gone to two conferences which were amazing and I learned a great deal from (one of them was at the Southwestern Psychological Association). My mom, as expected, was glad I was engaged in these activities which would help me in my career and are great curriculum builders. My dad? He just asked what would we do on there, and usually with a semi-derisive tone in his voice.
I ended up graduating with a 3.62 GPA (cum laude), and that's when my dad showed some pride in me. He congratulated me, etc. But within the same day, he said that "it wasn't the true graduation." And my mom and I looked at each other puzzled. I then had to study for the GRE. I only studied a month for it, and obtained a score that was on the 75th percentile in the verbal section (I scored Ok on the quantitative). And after I finished with the GRE, I felt accomplished and happy that I was over with a very stressful time of my life. Except that it wasn't over... Now my dad was urging me to find a job, a request which I thought was pretty damn reasonable. I graduated on December, and the next semester for graduate school did not start until September. I had to do something in all that time. I continued to be involved in research, meanwhile I looked for a job. I applied to many different places. The issue here is that I wanted a temporary job, as I thought it was appropriate given the context. But my dad was urging me to apply as something related to my field. I told him that as much as I would love to, that there was not much you could work as with a B.S. in psychology as opposed to a masters or a Ph.D. Most councelors don't have any need for assistants (and I tried to apply to many counseling positions, all of which told me they were not currently using assistants), and for human resources positions at a hospital. My dad seemed frustrated, and he expressed that my degree was useless, because there seemed to be nothing I could find (even though that is false. You can be a teacher, a human resources agent, etc.)
He also didn't understand that those jobs are full on careers that require me to become compromised with them, implicitly at least. He didn't get that it would be unfair for them to have their new and recently trained employee quit because of school, when I could've just worked at a fast food chain temporarily before classes started. But since he knew better due to his vast work experience (he has a dearth of it. He owns a family farm, and that's where he gets his income from, but it was inherited, not obtained through experience), he shut me down and insisted that I was wrong and not looking hard enough. He even wen't so far as to say that I was going to end up like my 35 year old cousin who has never worked at all and still lives with his parents. I told him I was a totally different person from him, because I actually have ambitions (get a master's, then a doctorate in cognitive psychology to become a professor), and that I was much younger than him and therefore, the comparison was not fair.
Eventually, I got accepted to the master's program in experimental psychology. My dad did congratulate me for that, and I felt happy I finally got something positive out of him. I then got a job at a movie theater. He also was very happy for me after I told him I got the job (I was surprised). It seems like he feels that I am in danger of becoming like my 35 year old cousin, who finished college, but his education was lacking due to the fact that he studied at a quack college. I have told him I want to be a cognitive psychologist and a professor, but all I get are questions and no word of encouragement. When I confront my dad about his lack of adulation regarding MY goals and MY intended achievements, he gets defensive and answers that in life, people will always try to put me down and that they will withhold praise as well, and that I should get used to it. But I think that parents should praise their children for their achievements (and I am not talking about having failed a test and making a party), so that they build the self-esteem necessary to cope with envious people.
Strangely enough, my dad talks highly of a cousin of mine who has similar goals. She got her masters already, and he often mentions how smart she is because of all the good decisions she has made. What about your son, mother****er!!? I feel like no matter what I achieve, even if I get the Ph.D., my dad will always withhold praise and will always think of me as useless. Even if I get a Nobel Prize, he will probably be like "well, you haven't got the Pulitzer prize yet! So and so already got it..." just as he did when he heard from one of his friends that his daughter already got her masters at the same time I got my bachelors (it turns out she got the masters online. After my dad mentioned that, he stopped making a point about her).
Most of the people who praise me are professors and friends. They mention how successful they believe I will be. One of them said that if more people liked to read like I did, the world would be a better place (whereas my dad says that too much reading can affect you). My friends have mentioned how important I am to our group, since I am the "brain" of the clan, and I always stick to logic and facts. My professors sometimes even say that "it is such a terrble idea!" that I am helping another masters student with her thesis in a sarcastic tone. I remember that before a final test, a group of students asked me for help, and after I did, I went back to sit down on the hallway, and I overheard them saying that they admired me. Complete strangers say those things, but my dad often thinks I am useless. WHY?!

[Yzen]

Your a Dad's attitude towards your success so far says more about him than you. You want to please your Dad and get his validation, but he is pushing his view of what you should do without having the information you have about your career. He also has little at risk other than wanting to be identified with your success.
His view of your career is incomplete and it would not be wise to accept it. You know what is best for you because you are living it every day. Listen to what he says, but go with your own decisions.

[sukothefox]

Originally Posted by Yzen

Your a Dad's attitude towards your success so far says more about him than you. You want to please your Dad and get his validation, but he is pushing his view of what you should do without having the information you have about your career. He also has little at risk other than wanting to be identified with your success.
His view of your career is incomplete and it would not be wise to accept it. You know what is best for you because you are living it oevery day. Listen to what he says, but go with your own decisions.

I will take this into account. Thanks