So for 12 years I suffered under an abusive boss. I do feel he would have been abusive to anyone... but was particularly abusive to me.

I got a new boss someone beloved as a good guy. And I guess he is. I can't see him every complaining about me or firing me.

But the same things are starting to happen.
- Not being able to remember what I did or did not do and no concern at all as to blaming me for things I didn't do.
- I continuing lack of respect for me. Even though I give them all plenty of respect.
- am excellent in my job but that is never enough. They have to search by and far and if there is anything I am not great it.. SEIZE on it to harp on endlessly.
- refusal to respond to my e-mails but instead calling me so I can't confront him with what he told me.

I can't tell why this is happening but my suspicion.
- I am weird... well I am not really weird.. but due to hard feelings in the past 12 years I don't like to go to events because there is always someone there I don't want to see. Instead of saying that I want my privacy and I just say I am not going. I make it like a joke, that is my thing I say. But now he is outwardly calling me weird.
- when I have time off I refuse to tell him what I did. Been there before... if they know they can make decisions about what you are doing or when you get leave. But he calls this weird too that when he presses me as to what I did, I just tell him nothing. Nothing at all. And he doesn't like that.

I have certain co workers who can make or brake your relationship. They are up there with him all day. Last set were amazing and knew their stuff and weren't petty. But I just got two new ones and they are the WORST. One of them just gossips all and I don't trust her at all. She acts like she knows more than me. I have only been there 14 years and she 1. The other one is a tool too and actually YELLED at me the other day.

I have got to stop it RIGHT NOW.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

So for 12 years I suffered under an abusive boss. I do feel he would have been abusive to anyone... but was particularly abusive to me.

I got a new boss someone beloved as a good guy. And I guess he is. I can't see him every complaining about me or firing me.

But the same things are starting to happen.

I feel your pain. I have been down this road myself. I will say that it's probably a little bit you, and a little bit that bosses just suck in general, and they're all assholes.

- Not being able to remember what I did or did not do and no concern at all as to blaming me for things I didn't do.

At the end of each week, send him a checklist of all the tasks or projects you accomplished or worked on, so there is paper trail of the things you were charged with.

- I continuing lack of respect for me. Even though I give them all plenty of respect. I hate to say, you just have to suck this up and ignore it. They're all assholes.

- am excellent in my job but that is never enough. They have to search by and far and if there is anything I am not great it.. SEIZE on it to harp on endlessly. Keep a list of every successful or positive thing you do. When he brings up something he thinks you aren't good at, ask him for specific feedback or coaching to help you do that better. Turn it back on him to mentor you. Then follow up in email on that discussion clarifying what you both discussed.

- refusal to respond to my e-mails but instead calling me so I can't confront him with what he told me. Even if he calls you, follow-up with an email to confirm what you talked about and what steps will be taken or what project/task you have been assigned with. Even if he doesn't respond, at least you have a record that you attempted to confirm the conversation. And send emails with a read receipt. Also, BCC to your private email everything. This is called CYA (cover your ***).

I can't tell why this is happening but my suspicion.
- I am weird... well I am not really weird.. but due to hard feelings in the past 12 years I don't like to go to events because there is always someone there I don't want to see. Instead of saying that I want my privacy and I just say I am not going. I make it like a joke, that is my thing I say. But now he is outwardly calling me weird. What kind of events are these? Are they social work events or required work events? I assume they sound like social work events. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do these once every quarter, just for strategy. It sucks, I hate it too, but I go, have one drink, make sure the boss saw me, then head home and say I have to walk the dog. But I don't go to everything; I just go once in a great while and then bow out after one quick drink and a turn of the room to say hi to everyone. It's painful, but it's strategy that I'm a team player even though I don't go out with them all the time.

- when I have time off I refuse to tell him what I did. Been there before... if they know they can make decisions about what you are doing or when you get leave. But he calls this weird too that when he presses me as to what I did, I just tell him nothing. Nothing at all. And he doesn't like that. He's nosy. Just stand your ground and say, I went on vacation, that's all. It was relaxing. Thanks for asking. Then walk away or change the subject by saying "where are you going on vacation?"

I have certain co workers who can make or brake your relationship. They are up there with him all day. Last set were amazing and knew their stuff and weren't petty. But I just got two new ones and they are the WORST. One of them just gossips all and I don't trust her at all. She acts like she knows more than me. I have only been there 14 years and she 1. The other one is a tool too and actually YELLED at me the other day. Oh, I know this story so badly. My subordinate that reports to me is my CEO's ex lover. She thinks or thought she had a one up on me, until we finally got a new VP, and she doesn't have a direct line to the CEO anymore. She can't just bypass me anymore, and the new VP seems to be pretty savvy to what's going on. So my advice, stay out of the gossip. Don't trust ANYONE with ANY personal information at all. When they act like they know it all, just smile and walk away. I know it hurts, but trust me, they will screw themselves over if you let them. You just have to know when to get involved and when not to. With gossips, best to stay out of it.

I have got to stop it RIGHT NOW.

You will be okay. If I can make it through my situation, you can make it through yours. You just have to play it cool at the office; do what I said about emailing for documentation and getting read receipts on your emails (so you at least know he got them). And you will be okay. You have to do a sort of "managing up" with this boss of yours. And he does sound like a tool.

Originally Posted by seesaw

You have to do a sort of "managing up" with this boss of yours. And he does sound like a tool. [/COLOR]

Can they all be tools? For documenting things he would just make fun of that. He has said many times that he can't stand people who do such things. He also seems annoyed lately. It is my job to "nag him" and he now seems to treat me like a nag. When I bring something to his attention I say something like "just bringing this to your attention." and then he does nothing. Then I am forced to bring it to his attention again.. and am ignored.

So I get the worst of all worlds.. i am perceived as a nag but nothing gets done. So when something doesn't get done by the deadline he is like -- why didn't your remind me? But I did... but yah you only did 3 times, why not 4.

Turn it back on him to mentor you.

I made a sincere attempt to do better and I still feel either I am just not good at this particular thing OR he is lying. He says something is pronounced one way and then I hear people pronouncing a different way. It is a very much judgment call and so there will never be anyway to please him... there is no right way. And it is so petty. At one point he went on about how I did something very wrong one day and when I looked it up it wasn't even me... someone else was covering.

Are they social work events or required work events?

Social work. There is a party at least daily at this place and I don't go. It is my option. He has no right to be a busy body into what I do or don't

When he calls me (one of the reasons I prefer e-mail) he opines endlessly. I feel like it is amazing I can even remember what the heck he said. We are over here, over there, over here, over there. I am considering not picking up the phone anymore so he can focus his thoughts more effectively.

I clearly feel like it is me. Like the way I act seem to foster disrespect and derision. I have 12 years left before I retire and I have to nip this in the bud right now. I am not going home feeling scared and upset anymore.

[seesaw]

Well, I'm sorry I don't have any more recommendations. But I truly don't believe it's ALL you. These kinds of problems at work are often a combination of personalities misconnecting with each other. So don't be too hard on yourself. The only thing I can say is just remember that you can only control what YOU do and how YOU feel. You can't control the things he will say or feel about you, so may as well just start ignoring them (I know that's not great advice, sorry). If you can stop caring about the things he says, knowing he'll say them no matter what you do, you might feel more relaxed.

Good luck. Sorry I don't have a better solution.

Seesaw

Originally Posted by seesaw

These kinds of problems at work are often a combination of personalities misconnecting with each other. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Well that is something I wonder about in that "my personality" seems to not connect with bosses anymore. It is odd to me because I think I have it down how to be a good employee. I am on time, I do the work quick and fast, but, these same issues just keep coming up.

IMHO, this is it. My personal life is not "cool" and apparently this is a big deal to bosses. When I interviewed with this guy his first question was "tell me about yourself". I was vague, but, I got to say that annoyed me. What does that have to do with the job?

It just seems like when you do your job well, they focus on what you don't have.

Yesterday he asked me about a co worker and opined he would like to see him again. This co worker is imho a piece of ****. Demoted because he fooled around at work and used to sit behind me yelling at his baby mama on the phone. Now he covers for us. I said, I could take day off... and my boss looked at me like I was being a baby. But stop openly opining for my co-workers TO ME?