[hyacinth1]

Im 46. Always been sort of a quiet guy my whole life. But I've always been a confident person. Then maybe about 10 years ago, something changed. I had a really grueling job that as my wife described 'took the manhood out of you'. I tend to agree. It really hurt my confidence in myself. Then years later, I got laid off from that job and first layoff I experienced in my life. It was a big punch in the face and I feel like I'm still not over that. It felt like I was abused all those years and then after they were down chewing me up they just spit me out.

So I had this current job for 2 years. But the company is not doing well and I've been looking. I got a job offer at a established company and it is going to pay me much more than this job. The interviews went well and I liked everyone and they liked me. But there was one weird thing.

The guy who will be my manager told me how it didnt work out with another person and that's why the job was open. They had to get rid of him because he just couldn't get the duties. Guy already was sort of threatening me about how he would be yelling at me if I didnt get it after 3 months and/or if others start complaining it would not look good. Very negative at the end of a full day of interviews. And I was really tired meeting 8 ppl all day. Then another person who I would be working w/ didnt ask any questions to me but gave me tips on how to do the job and how the other guy screwed up and how not to repeat this mistakes.

I came home and told my wife that everything was great except that last part where the guy was really negative. That it really affected my confidence in myself. She's like he's just saying that to say that. But I still don't understand what that means. Why would he say that to a person they wan to hire? Threaten? He seems like a pretty good guy and I've known someone who worked w/ him and said he's easy to work with. But that was years ago.

Just wondering why he would say that negative stuff and why would the potential co worker. And why is it impacting me? I should be thinking about 95 percent of the positive during the interview and really not think about that last 5% weirdness. It threw me for a loop because they really want me but why threaten me and why am I now questioning the role even though it's pretty much everything I wanted and they're giving me everything I want salary wise.

And the bigger picture, WHY THE HECK AM I SO LOW ON CONFIDENCE at this age!!! I mean I'm an adult, I have kids, I have a wife, I shouldn't be so down on myself! I think it must be something earlier than the layoff that really shook me. I haven't had therapy but I wonder if it is something during my childhood.

Thanks for listening and please share your advice.

p.s. - not sure if this is the appropriate forum but if it needs to be moved please go ahead and do it admins.

[Yzen]

To me, it sounds like the manager was frustrated that the previous person didn't work out and doesn't want it to happen again. He probably saw that experience as a waste of time and their weirdness probably has more to do with that last employee than you. Interviewing with 8 people for an entire day is also a sign that they need to get this hire right. You are not that previous hire; so don't question your ability to step in and do the job. You can do it.

Losing a job creates doubt in yourself. It feels like a personal rejection of your abilities. But, you must not let one manager/company "decide" what you believe about your ability.

[Charixma]

I agree so much with Yzen. Big changes like new jobs can shake up anyone, no matter how firm their confidence is in themselves. The fact that the manager said those things sounds like he was more concerned about the past employee than you, the future one.

[hyacinth1]

Originally Posted by Yzen

To me, it sounds like the manager was frustrated that the previous person didn't work out and doesn't want it to happen again. He probably saw that experience as a waste of time and their weirdness probably has more to do with that last employee than you. Interviewing with 8 people for an entire day is also a sign that they need to get this hire right. You are not that previous hire; so don't question your ability to step in and do the job. You can do it.

Losing a job creates doubt in yourself. It feels like a personal rejection of your abilities. But, you must not let one manager/company "decide" what you believe about your ability.

thank you for writing that. it made me feel much better and not so nervous and anxious. It instilled some confidence that was missing.


Hope some good Karma goes your way

[rechu]

Yeah, I agree with Yzen, they are probably concerned more about the situation because of that guy who didn't work out, not you in particular. It is expensive and disruptive to have to replace someone, get the new person up to speed, etc.


I've seen that happen where I work. In my department there have been people that looked perfect for the job on paper but didn't catch on when they actually had to do the job. In this country, there is a 3-month probationary period where a company can let you go easily. Therefore, in those cases, the decision was given to do that rather than have their contract become permanent, which makes firing them more expensive since severance pay becomes involved.

I've gone to hell and back with my work situation (even now it's not perfect), and it's been tough on my confidence, so I know how that feels. Sorry you are dealing with it too. Have you heard anything more about the job?

[seesaw]

I'm a consultant but my client, who I've been helping to hire staff, has had a terrible time hiring and firing people. She's brought on two people recently who didn't work out. So she puts people through the ringer in interviews now to make sure they are the right person. She can't afford to bring on someone, go through 3 months probation, only to decide they aren't right. In her case, both of the people were incompetent. Like grossly. I questioned a little bit her hiring practices to not have caught their lack of skills beforehand, but it's hard to advise someone on better ways to do something.

But, honestly, it happens. Turn over happens. I wouldn't worry too much about it, other than to know you need to be really clear on what their 30, 60, and 90 day expectations for your performance are. I would make sure you know that on day 1, and if you aren't getting the training or onboarding you need to accomplish those objectives, you would need to speak up.

A LOT of people are over-exaggerating their skills and experience these days, they present themselves well, and then after a few weeks on the job, they get found out. So again, I wouldn't let someone else's failure knock your confidence.

Also, you could have a good conversation with the manager and say, "I understand that the previous person didn't work out because they weren't able to accomplish certain things. Can we discuss that a little bit so I can make sure I am successful and do the things you want me to do?"

It's a little inappropriate that they were venting to you about it, BUT, I was recently hiring a new person, and I explained to them some of the issues we had with the last person we let go just as a means to let them understand what the job entails.

If it was 95% positive, I would think about ways to mitigate those 5% concerns and take the job.

Seesaw

[ArchieAus]

As you said , you have a confidence issue . People can dissect the 5 % of concern you had about the interview till the cows come home , but then you would find another 5 % which made you feel uneasy . You'd focus on that and blow it up to be out of all proportion . Your brain is just working against you .
Confidence is not easy to regain once lost . But the reality is your 46 . You have a successful family . You have had a successful career , if looked in context . There is absolutely no reason why you won't be a huge success in this new venture . You will work hard and not take things for granted . You'll strive to ensure you are a valued employee . You will most likely form a relationship with management of mutual respect . The one thing that def hasn't happened to you is ...and I quote you haven't " had the manhood sucked out of you " .
People lose confidence all the time , there's no reason to believe it's rooted to something that's happened deep in your past . The glass pane of the illusion of life gets shattered and we second guess ourselves and seek the definitive thing that has made this happen . Just take a breath , focus on the ball in the pitchers hand . Remain calm and let your mind focus on what's important . Then swing without fear of failure . Watch the ball fly out of the stadium . Just believe and surround yourself with people who believe .
This whole ****** up experience of life is an illusion after all . Just play the part of a confident winner .

[hyacinth1]

ok, so i'm feeling a bit better. thanks everyone for the support. you dont know how much it helps.

[Foo Fighter]

That manager shouldn't have said those things. I understand there was frustration when someone doesn't get it but discouraging the new people or potential hires doesn't solve that issue either. To be honest that gives me less confident about them than you. All I can say isms from experience, prove 'em wrong, give a 110% and do your job
Best of luck.