Steinbeck Warmup

After Meaghan Daum experienced a miscarried pregnancy, she made up her mind to not try again and thus to never have children. She calls the ambivalence about that decision her marriage's Central Sadness. Their CS hovers over, or weighs down, all else in their communications.

Yesterday my Significant Other and I had a miscommunication. The details repeat a steady pattern I've experienced throughout our time together. The short of it is that when I talk to her, at random times she literally misses the meaning of the words. I then proceed with her answer and later, the mis communication becomes evident, typically with unhappy results.

OK, we're not perfect, but she gets angry at ME, and not at least partially herself for failing to take a moment and listen. And I get angry in turn because I don't want her to shuck 100% of a mutual miscommunication onto me. Not fair or right.

This is a pattern I've noticed since Day Two. This flair-up happened late last night before I went to bed, and to soothe my jangled emotions I used Daum's Central Sadness idea.

And it fit so perfectly, I thought, how useful. With accepting a part of a relationship as being in the grips of a CS I both feel deep grief, and also energetic clarity. From this experience I've developed a maxim: SO to me: please don't offer to do me any favors. Or another way: Let me mind my own business.

Very sad, no?, for a committed relationship which I would hope delights in mutual support and reciprocity, but there it is. I get it now.

I'm freed by my maxim for better use of my life in other relationships. I'm freed to search out those spontaneous moments where we really do connect and not bother with concerns about the rest, which is about 90% of my time with her.

Possible every relationship has its CS. One client through actions and non-actions communicates his CS as a buyer's remorse that he hired me. We're philosophically and procedurally misfits. His CS becomes also my CS.

I will keep exploring this as an element in my larger project of transitioning from Frustration to Patience.

Revu2

Today on the cusp of finishing the last of a run of work. Looking forward to a few weeks of looseness. I can't speak a word to anyone I know.

Why? Some perverse reflect sends them into spinning ideas or getting excited that I might want to join them and "do something." No, no! Doing less is what I seek.

While doing less I'll unravel my latest clue to growing Patience. My dreams are dredging up scenes of my embarrassments. Things I did, didn't do, or did poorly. The celebration I didn't invite someone to because they had pissed me off at work. My gym shorts mishap that expose more than my skinny legs and I saw a girl across the gym witness the mishap. The many women who may have been interested in more than idle chitchat who I failed to connect with. Why did I fumble, stutter, and lapsed into silence? Couldn't I trust my ears/eyes/luck? Apparently not.

I have read enough memoir and biography to appreciate the vast club this makes me a member of. Still ... it befuddles me and I sustain traces of regret.

Revu2

Lost my $30 Apple earbuds. I have a guess where they might be: a friend's house where I help with editorial work. Or in a pocket of a pair of pants or shirt I wore briefly one day and then change out of. Or in a pouch or backpack. Know fer sure they are not in their "everything in its place" place.
Really would love to wait it out and see. Go through a year's worth of clothes, and pop, they drop out of a pocket one day. Or my friend is back from her working trip to another state. But I will need them next week for a conference call.
This got my annoyance spinning. It's much milder this time than in the past, mostly from my growing skill at talking calmly to my anxious states.
My whole life annoys me.
I'm annoyed that I'm much more "responsible" than 99% of the people I get to deal with.
I'm annoyed with my Life Partner's practice of beginning every conversation with something off—did I hear who died—can I help with a computer glitch—the food isn't 100% top restaurant perfect.
I'm annoyed with my clients and their foot dragging, poor communication, and doublecrossing.
I'm annoyed with bills to pay.
I'm annoyed that the system has required fresh debt.
I'm annoyed it's impossible to ever get enough of what I do really need.
I'm annoyed that so many systems in my life need top-tier attention.
I'm annoyed that I need to make lists, and lists of lists, and then keep track of them.
I'm annoyed I can't seem to knit together two days free of any annoyances.
Shimmer! OK. OK. Breathe.
Now, what's on the agenda today?
Revu2

Today, many years of crazy living come down to a decision & actions that’s out of my hands.

Since 2011 I & my partner have been the steady people getting our condo up to speed to replace its siding. I’ve commented before on this site about this saga and will spare myself the agony of rehashing the details.

The latest owner and also newest member of the Board has over-insisted on getting lots of things “nailed down” and in “iron-clad” language through the means of a contract. The siding vendor rebelled before signing and now the whole d*mn thing is on the brink of falling apart.

The board meets tonight, and my gut has been in full churn mode for the past week or so as I consider how very close this is to failing. We have no Plan B, no replacement company.

From this churn I have lots of feelings and thoughts of how to make yet another case to yet another board to keep this moving. I also resolve to do all I can to break the hex or spell that’s keeps our relations in continual turmoil.

I wish it were otherwise, I wish I had even a vote on the Board (I don’t. I attend as an owner). I wish for a lot of things that didn’t happen. I wish other people had caught my hints. I don’t want people to feel hurt (I’ll say that) but sometimes I’ll have to be more direct to save the work if the situation calls for it.

It would be wise for all of us to listen concretely and intuitively so that we spare ourselves direct standoffs. Sometimes Wisdom is in short supply.

Send support for me.

Revu2

Sending you good vibes, hoping the condo board meeting goes well.

Thanks, not really. This a-hole has no ability to be less than the dominant person, never admits errors, lacks emotional imagination, and claims to represent the rest of the owners when he in fact voted against their preferences. He also can't put on his own brakes.


Life moves on, I'm ready for him now. It'll be very hard, but so be it.


R

Wed, too much to do to worry more about this a-hole I'm dealing with.

Also have a support group this pm and that will help.

When it's over I'll write it up as a coaching message for others.

Today, a team that's putting in a proposal is getting down to text. I'll print current in double space and single sided and different colors. That should keep me engaged till I leave at 10.

To the page,
R

Hi,

It's with a very sad soul that I share that the deal has unraveled for replacing our siding due to irreconcilable differences among the board and with myself. We failed to align and find a way to work well together.

The latest offer from the contractor stresses the two areas that are our thinnest places: the contract and price. It's over our allotted funds.

My partners, who serves as the Board president, is disgusted. She wants to shut it down, pay our consultant what is their due, and return the money deposited by the owners to get this done. And step away from command.

A couple of proverbs: Turkish: When you find yourself on the wrong road, stop.
Songhay (African): If you road is blocked, go home.

About 7 years of work, countless meetings, visits to showrooms, escorting vendors around the building, persuading boards to accept necessary precautions, getting agreements on the materials, colors, style, railings, pricing, extra assessments, etc, etc. etc.

My goto friend is when this happens. I cried.

Going down with the ship.

Revu

Oh boy. A voluntary effort to support our condo assn with research and leadership on getting our siding replaced (along with, it now has developed, the windows and new railings) has come to a sad end. Our contractor has proposed a revised budget after our pleading that's still too much.

With the delay (labor and materials inflation hit) and internal dissension (delay due to disagreement hit) and extra costs for this and that, we've gone past our set-aside reserve. Having not even begun, the budget $40,000 than our best earlier budget (the one we based all our planning on) with the dissension on the board likely to never end ... we're calling it.

This is very sad for me. It's been 2929 days, more or less, since I volunteered to lead a committee to deal with this. Eight full years come March 2019 when we have our next owners' meeting.

I'm done. My partner, who is now the prez of the board, is done.

And still no siding. It's just a share of my challenge, it's the group's challenge as a collective. What happens now is up to the group.

I wish them luck and good speed.

On the other side, I get my time released into my custody.

revu2

I'm annoyed it's impossible to ever get enough of what I do really need.
I'm annoyed that so many systems in my life need top-tier attention.
I'm annoyed that I need to make lists, and lists of lists, and then keep track of them.
I'm annoyed I can't seem to knit together two days free of any annoyances.
Shimmer! OK. OK. Breathe.
Now, what's on the agenda today?

hi revu2
I noticed your thread this morning. While I'm not at all a management consultant, I've worked enough in the business world to - sigh/ breathe - know the tough dynamics and/ or the excitement. Now retired and going to seed... with a building project that also is staggering around.

I read the sections of your post bolded above, and it was like a poem about my state in the past few days. It made me smile ruefully because I'm annoyed that all the hassles distract me from - getting in touch with what I need. Life is so friggin (bet that gets screened out) dysfunctional when also not superbly smooth internally.

I get distracted, I fight getting distracted and stressed and annoyed.... but still Life heaps it on and eventually I find that I am all of those three. Ugh.

The lists of lists are also... driving me nuts... not so much the actual multi-directional arrows pointing all over the place to do lists, but the extra things that crop up from my subconscious when I'm half asleep. They are practical lists because what I need doesn't seem to figure on anyone's lists including my own.
Am I making any sense?

sorry if I intruded on you two, I didn't mean to shut down your process, and really don't need to intrude. was just flailing around yesterday.

Hi Saidso,
Yes, you are making lots of sense. No way to intrude on any conversation as we know these posts are scattered to the tips of the whole wide world.

Looking at that string of lines again, yup, still On. Possibly, just maybe, I can string two days free of lists, etc. before Tuesday. One of which days I may visit a Pure Land Buddhism monastery lodged in a building right in the middle of a residential neighborhood.

I've always been tickled when I come across these arrangements. Once I found a house of nuns who let out a room as part of their hospitality mission. Hosted my PhD certification there. I got through.
Let's hang on, hang in, & hang out,
Revu2

I'm annoyed I can't seem to knit together two days free of any annoyances. Despite working my way through other people's mud successfully all day, and a helping hand, I'm stressed and irritable about someone shifting responsibility off his shoulders and onto mine.

A thought came that I need to start a positive list for what I need: magic, self-care, learning by observation, check out yogaflow class not because I need yoga but because I need to dedicate more time to me... and not just de-stressing.

Had a wonderful meeting by chance today with a woman who... I last saw a year ago. Totally wonderful exchange, and we promised to meet up when I come back home in December. Try to focus on that potential.

I love the idea of being annoyed about being annoyed because it's silly plus that pretty much sums up my reality.

"I love the idea of being annoyed about being annoyed because it's silly plus that pretty much sums up my reality."
What are my remedies? I feel annoyance and frustration raise my sense of stress but contribute very little. I want to escape the feeling. One way is to organize like mad, put some actions off, delegate what I can, simplify everywhere.

Another is breathe and let it me.
A third is dance to some music.
And when I can I lay down until the feelings go away.
Patience, always patience.
Revu2

Hey, did Steinbeck go off to see his publisher?
I discovered something about annoying annoyance. Instead of saying, "Why don't you take responsibility..." I managed to say, "I need you to take responsibility for... I need help here." - and that shifted my level of anxiety and defensiveness, shifted the other person's defensiveness - things relaxed and became human.

I don't mean this as a verbal game but it seems to me that annoying annoyance comes from a frightened me that believes that other people can't be trusted to care about what I need... ever. But in fact most socialised people will go along with another person's need if it's not too costly for them... Hard for the frightened me to know.

That wouldn't exactly work in your frustrating business situations, but... I think I'm on to something. I can take a position of what I internally call "inclusion": "I need you to shift along a little". "I need you to consider this." Or I can fight myself, resist the feeling, get more anxious, get more insecure and untrusting like I always do, and create resistance and hostility.

Business power games require conflict, but the people who win are often the ones who can subliminally suggest inclusion?

I still feel frustrated with this person, and I need to sleep/ shut down after working with them, but something has given way in my defensiveness. The inside self needs to attune to joy, not annoyance, but often she couldn't figure out how

What is interesting about your last post, Saidso, is the inner shift to inclusion and providing ways for people to volunteer their assistance, rather than their feeling something is being demanded of them.

Business can be all sorts of ways. Part of the trap that's set around avoiding "all that touchy-feely stuff" is making it dicey just how one is supposed to raise issues about relationships, trust, communication, ugly games, power moves, non-response, and so on. And that's the intent of the crowd setting that tone. The tone is never let's avoid "all that bullying-dominating stuff" is it?

Re: J Steinbeck. He opened each day's work with a 'letter' to his editor that were collected and sent in once a week with his weekly stack of pages. It served him, as I'm finding it serves be here: to clear my mind, to get my irritations on paper, to refresh my strengths.

I could write these in my special journal, but I find the hybrid identity allowed via forums like this intriguing. I can write freely more or less for myself, and yet there are witnesses and correspondents, too, if they decide to engage. Still, we could pass another on the street and not know it.

It'll be interesting to see a masters or phd degree research on what this all can do for us. For now, I make may way with great help from you, my screen-pals.

Revu2

just how one is supposed to raise issues about relationships, trust, communication, ugly games, power moves, non-response

Yes indeed... well if you are dealing with the CEO et al, you don't raise the issues. I was involved in designing statistical computer systems for the management board of a small, but financially very technical, company. I learned not to expect anyone to specify anything in plain English. A board is a sort-of political see-saw between half a dozen personalities: the see-saw is continually moving multi-dimensionally, and you are supposed to design a computer system that moves multi-dimensionally along with it. But the problems with computer system design is like houses: you build from the foundations up, and once the concrete is set in place.... etc.

That's organisational politics from the inside. BUT our conversation is more about mind-sets. I see a mind-set on some of these boards where people are so in their mental health issues and sensitivities, and I realise that I have two minds about that. When I'm in the outside world dealing with contractors, I can't be oversensitive about my personal emotions so at the end of the day I have to try to recoup my contact with my inner world. I am working towards a place of respectful, amicable distancing - controlled personal leakage, tolerance etc.

I imagine myself standing on a mud spit between two tides: one tide is therapy people who want the world to give them a living while they obsess about their internal dynamics, one side is hyper-critical mad profit-driven hierarchies. There is a middle ground because common sense says so. Or else our society would have completely disintegrated.

Eh, lol. I am a bit mental this morning Steinbeck!!! I am packing a suitcase with painter's overalls, educational equipment, fashion stuff for my inner teenager, winter raincoats, summer swimming stuff, maps, timetables, comforts. All of my inner and outer selves squashed into one airline sized baggage - with different suitcases for stuff that I can afford to lose in the hold and stuff that is going to be chained to my wrist for the duration. I have two other peeps here entertaining themselves.

And then I wondered about Steinbeck's suitcases . A different era, not enough food, desperate people and his writer's sensibility. What's in your suitcase this morning?

Good question ... what's in my suitcase. Interesting I just got a new rollaboard (Travelpro Maxlite 5).
There's also the 'baggage' metaphor for tough issues that cling to our souls.

In my bag right now are: several things that have soured recently. Doing my darnedest to get the smell out ... a bit of concern about finances ... a hope to connect with buddies more very soon ... and lots of bits and pieces related to my client work.

And lots of books ... we have many 'little free libraries' sprinkled about and one of my minor joys is visiting them. Lately I've seemed to have hit a lucky streak and my stack of unread books towers ever higher.
Revu2

Sorry to hear about the bad smell Revu2. Airing out is probably the only and best solution.
I'm heading out to do some work in remote countryside so will probably be off the internet for a couple of weeks. Will look forward to catching up with you if I can connect early November.
For the first time every I have three suitcases. Winter is coming and I'm not entirely sure what work faces me. It revolves around teaching but not sure if I'm teaching the entire village of all ages or just a few individuals. At least will be beautiful countryside.

Best wishes for the finances and the buddy contacts!
saidso

Safe travels, Saidso!

R