Steinbeck Warmup

Hello Warmup,
Awoke with permutations on "give" & "take" dancing in my mind. ...
Give weight - this from a piece by Ellen Santasiero in The Sun in 2007 reflecting on the life relevance of a dance term. To give weight is to fully trust your partner to lead the dance steps. … “After the second or third swing, my partner called out to me over the music, “Lean back! Lean back into my hand!” His hand was on the small of my back. I put my weight against it, and we flew around and around and around. It had been a long time since I’d felt such ease.
"As children, most of us played the game in which two people face each other, grip each other’s wrists, then lean back and spin around in a circle, feet close to the center. The act of leaning back and balancing each other’s weight is what makes you fly around so fast. It’s the same in a contradance: when two or more dancers hold on to each other and lean back slightly, they spin rapidly and in perfect sync. "Giving weight is what makes the dance flow and look so effortless. "When I failed to give weight, my swings fell apart, my allemandes toppled, and everyone had to work harder to dance with me. One night I danced with a man who failed to give me weight, and I felt as if I were dragging a log across the floor. When neither I nor my partner gave weight, we merely walked around each other. To dance properly you must have an opposing force.
"A dance teacher once told me that when it comes to dancing, you exist only to the extent that you give weight to your partner. I realized that I had never really given weight in my relationships. When it came to relationships, I didn’t exist."
Source: Giving Weight - The Sun Magazine
Give way.
Give a way. Letting an idea suggesting a path to try.
Giveaway.
Take on weight. Too much self-given responsibility that’s hard, thankless, and sometimes ends short of the goal.
Takeaway. The other side if giveaway.
Perhaps more will surface,
Revu2

Hello Warmup,
Thoroly mixed life experiences of serving in groups. Most recently it's been harrowing, and I wonder if it's part of the generational turnover and the differences in skills, life experiences, and group styles.

I'm exhausted from 2929 days with this siding effort we have to abandon, the past 400 days on a project, and all of the craziness from my family-of-origin.

So, I'm undercover till I hear back from my largest grant proposal. Meanwhile, I'll focus on my inner strengths.
Revu2

Hi Warmup,
Fast turnarounds combine the urgency of a close finish line with the stress of doing adequate work. Key for me is trimming my attention to what I need to do, and doing it. When there's time I rough in something, take a short break, and polish, proof, send.

This calls for the skill of ignoring. With mindfulness getting big press, and 'denying' being almost an insult, it's not surprise that denial's cousin, ignore, gets little praise. Ignore is a step closer to attention and action than denying, for me. All of this is for me as I'm not writing to set a big theory or win any prizes.

But with everything, a good search will find a blog to the point. For example, this one on Medium.
To the page,
Revu2

Hi Warmup,
I feel at times that if I read widely enough I'll find someone who has expressed my fabulous genius insights way earlier and possibly in better words than I. When I do find such writing I have a mixed emotion of thrill and dismay.
The trill comes from finding a member, or perhaps, leader of my intellectual tribe. The dismay from wondering now what do I do with this idea I had.
Further reading finds either they developed it well and I sigh and determine that I'll send up a citation, like a trail marker, to show how to climb to the peak.

Or, better, they treat their insight as a detour, leave implications for further thought to their readers and move on to other ideas. Now I see an opening, and something of value I might add.

Case to the point: I'm preparing for a review of a Y York play, Framed, about artists and the acceptance of their works (meaning the criticism and selling of their works, I presume). About all I know about art criticism is Tom Wolfe's famous Harper Magazine article, The Painted Word, and someone named Greenberg had a lot to do with the criticism, and thus promotion, understanding, and sales, of modern art.

So I forget what I was reading, but a passing mention is made of John Dewey's Art as Experience collection of lectures. These he gave as the first William James lecturer at Harvard. I know thy name, John Dewey. Written in 1934, I can start here with my prep work and come forward to recent times. I'll skip about the chapters and see what interests me.
First chapter I sense I'm possibly in for the whole book. Point by point, Dewey notes things I have recently felt I discovered that no else had noticed before. Like David Sedaris says a teenager feels about sex.

But Dewey is here on the page waiting for me. Art once was part of living but has been unraveled from the day-to-day. Agree. The needs of empire for places to show their rulers' good taste and the spoils of their conquests led to the invention of galleries and museums. Agree. Capitalism's ability to spawn freshly rich classes spurred the development of a separate art market for works which end in private hands. Agree. Because artists cannot 'scale' to mass production, they are shifted towards the margins of commercial life. Some even embrace this marginal position with exaggerated claims to a need for self-expression. Agree.

I'm on page 12. Sigh,
Revu2

Hi Warmup,
I'm applying for a tiny grant ($!K) and proposing to host a series on belonging. As I get bits of ideas I'll post them here to encourage comments and so I'll know where I put them!
Curious: for college you come in group experiences pre-week freshperson year. And you leave with your name called out (commencement).

Curious 2: sports teams come in with their names called out; leave as a team.
What if: at a workshop I arrange for each person to get a personalized solo introduction to being there! Then again, similar personalized departing good bye? How would that feel to them the first time? The second? The 100th?
Revu2

Hi Warmup,
I find it interesting to adjust myself using classic stories. Icarus, Huck Finn, Parsifal, and Quasimodo had framed my evolutionary self. Now it's Cassandra's turn.
My version is the lost story of Cassander: after Venus saw him bathing alone by a creek she approached him as a very beautiful maiden. Being very shy and private Cassander pushed her away though being quite fully aroused. He felt he needed time to get to know here better, and there were some nasty diseases about. Who was this stranger to him? Was he just a passing playtoy? No! And he meant it.

While moving away and beginning to get dressed, Venus looked at his back and steamed. How dare he! And without a second thought, like that, she cursed him. For ever after whenever he saw deeply and wisely into a social, political, or interpersonal context, he can speak, but no on will believe or listen or follow his suggestion.

Cassander felt the angry whisper across his shoulder blades and when he turned to plead for a milder curse, Venus had vanished!

I found some interesting blog pieces about this pattern. I'll work my way through one that had suggestions for coping from Gemma Summers.com.

#1 "Learn to hold your own counsel." I may be here a long time. I'm reminded of Jackie Gleason's lament when his crazy ideas turned sour, "Me and my big mouth!"

Me: Keep my trap shut? Why? Don't they need to know? What do we have speech and words if not to help each other know more? I know a little, or have a different slant, and I shouldn't they be open to my sharing it?

Myth Healer: Most times, Cassander, no, they are not. Most people simply ride the circuit of their own thoughts like a model engine on a toy train track.

Me: Now I feel alone.

MH: It may be about timing, or approach, but, for now, experiment with a week of neutral questions, if you must say anything.

Me: Like what?

MH: Okay, you watched a film on high-end art auctions. You walked out with a couple and began to chat. What are you curious to know about their thoughts?

Me: Oh, did the like it? Did they learn anything? How do they feel about how the original artist is treated in the process? Things like that?

MH: Yeah.

Me: Can I add I know I've heard about the French law called droit de suite (right to follow) that give some money to the original artist or their estate with each re-selling?

MH: Brace yourself — No. You don't know these people, they don't know you. You'll never see the again, most likely.

Me: Can I tell them this film will help me review an upcoming play about artists that what's made to have value in the arts?

MH: Hm, maybe not.

Me: I'm sad.

MH: Sit with it. This is going to happen a lot.
Revu2

Hello World,

Made it to 12/1 which means my Medicare kicks in. After a lifetime of paying into injury and illness insurance and hardly using it I had to self-cover for 2 months because temporary insurance in my state is too damn high. Just like the govt/insurer complex to get it all wrong but just a tad, but wrong nonetheless.


A project I'm working on has stalled. I'd withdrawn a bit because my hours were nearing the cap and the lead in several ways signaled he didn't appreciate my efforts as highly as I did. Now, no surprise, he and his assistant had 6 weeks to bring forward the work and they arrived at our conf. call last week with nothing but a revised timeline.


We spoke before the conf. call and he said I should get more involved again. I then proposed that before I do something I send it by him with an estimate of my time to do it. From the very start I alerted him that writing takes a lot of time—there's drafting, wrangling with other team members, rewrites, editing, polishing, and proofing. Time, time, time, time, time.


Related to Cassander/Cassandra roles, this time I find that by relaxing, witnessing, and patiently allowing time to flow, the other person reversed themselves a bit and came back to me with a renewed awareness of the value I add.


Meanwhile, my life didn't stand still. I have WON a huge contract possibly for three years. Once that gets in gear I will be 100% devoted to it during the start-up phase. This will be about 5 or 6 months.

Interesting? Yes.
R.

When I'm in conversation with just one person I try a good deal of humor, exaggeration, metaphor, self-deprecation, puns, etc. I'm discovering to my full dismay that a majority of the peeps I'm around don't play along.

So I pop out of flowing improv to remind them that in a friendly conversation between buddies nothing I say need to be taken as factual, as literally true, as truth is not my goal, but mutual entertainment.

But with that pop-out I'm deflated. My social energy dials down to their apparent level and I flatten out my affect. Dullsville buddy.

The odd thing, they typically don't seem to mind that I've down shifted. They just go along as themselves, not raising their energy nor loosening their grips on literal truth.

I suspect for these folks that they hold no theory of talk. They have no frame in themselves of what the two of us are engage in and what range of speech and gesture would enhance our mutual time towards the memorable and entertaining. They are checking what I say against standards like "facts" or "truth" or something found in classrooms, courts, or investigative reporting. My statement clearly fails the truth test and they feel compelled to point that out and save me from further fiction and lies.

Funny isn't it that these same people like stand up comics, novels, theater, etc. where the weird stuff happens. I think part of the difference is in those settings they are passive and aren't expected to respond and if they dislike or don't understand something either they are alone or among a crowd of other who will hide their outlier status. But all those performances are doing what I am bringing to them in their living, breathing, interactive experience.

My dilemma to resolve is when I dial down I feel the fun of the conversations dies. When I keep trying, they either fail to respond or keep trying to dial the content back to some idea of factual, literal, or true. This frustrates me, the opposite of fun.

The factual, literal, and true is such a small narrow swatch of existence that I feel alone with my imagination but to really imagine more I enjoy the fun of wordplay, mutual extensions. In the motto of improv performance, "Yes, and."

We become just two people seeming speaking the same language but since our motives and native styles so diverge we should conceded that we're actually not speaking the same language at all.

And that's the truth.

Revu2

Hiya I'm back. I was physically back last week but my house was full of people. Now I'm back to my solitary anxious self.

I found your statement re when you "dial down" the fun of the conversation dies interesting. It seems to resonate although I'd never try entertaining strangers with tall stories. Friends, yes, the taller the better. But I know my friends well enough to tell when to joke and when they need me to be serious. Strangers who try to entertain usually leave me flat: not many people are acutely observant enough to read the mood, and the personality enough to meet a stranger half way - don't you think? For me establishing a rapport of trust comes before people relax enough to have fun.

Except if it's someone doing a toastmaster speech, where entertainment is welcome to the party. Toastmaster or standup.

The resonance of "dial down" plays out differently for me. I've had feedback from friends lately that when I argue sometimes they feel that I shift into domineering. Even when they know that I'm not like that, they feel an uncomfortable intensity. And I notice that they pull back from the discussion, even though I experienced myself internally as passionate rather than domineering. I'm creative so always waiting for some great input which will change my direction.

If there is something that we put ourselves into passionately, then of course dialling down feels like death - but methinks that is all part of learning the exciting otherness of others. In any given moment people need different interactions, and out there in the big world there is no mood button to communicate our mental states.

You can find places to sparkle like Christmas lights, and other places where being a "we" not an "I" involves letting go of agenda and being more fluid/ flexible???

If I sound like speecifying, it's to distract myself. Came back with a dental problem and learned that I must a week to see a dentist. Not helpful. I also have to tell doc tmrrow that I can't face an operation in January which will leave me housebound: need to get out and socialise and move physically. Health service here is a mind f**, unless you can pay to go private.

Said so!

P.S. I just re-read my statement about "please help" and inclusion, and I am wondering whether that shift could help the awkward sit with doc tomorrow. I know he won't approve of my delaying the op = more paperwork for them, yet friends completely understand why it would destroy my mental health to be housebound at this point in my life. In the health system we are just units to be fixed... or harmed... not multi-dimensional human beings.

Welcome back Saidso.

Re: doctors. Its down to paperwork (with annoyance) or paperwork out of admiration and respect for you claiming your own timing. Either way when you claim your authority its paperwork. Also remember the operation involves paperwork, too. Every damn thing involves paperwork.

I've been interested a lot in something I'll call "solo turns" for now in conversation. Like in a jazz group, soloists take a turn to perform. Often one or two other players in the rhythm section (drums, piano, & bass) drop a note or two but otherwise stay out of the way. I feel in conversation among friends especially all of us can learn intuitively to allow a solo with backup. Or allow a joke and play the straight person.

Or better, allow a joke and add to the fun.

I now see that many people in any role you might call out (friend, stranger, check-out clerk, bus driver) are really lost in intuiting the very fast shifts in where the solo turn is. My solo turn may be very brief. Here's an example from last night that was just a couple of sentences.
Friend (counting money donated to support a community music and poetry reading). This is good, a few people dropped a few 20s.
Me: They might have taken change. (thinking of a joke). I used to drop a 20 and take 40 in change back when I was really desperate.

Friend:[chuckles, signaling he got the joke]

Very much a balm to my spirit to find a kindred one that understands joking around without needing an MC to announce it.

Revu2

Hm, relationship as theatrical performance huh! That's an interesting thought that I am pondering. It explains some things that puzzled me about how other people put themselves across in the past, especially in workplaces.

Sometimes performances resonate and sometimes they don't, even if we appreciate the effort involved. Most people seem to think that we are obliged to applaud, but we can exercise discretion about merely flapping/clapping or standing ovations?

It's not how I am used to thinking about casual relationships, but I can shift my headspace enough to weigh it up as a possible deal. I think we all have our preferred modes of interaction. As a creative I like to meet peeps half-way, but humm there has to be some sort of real connection or after a short while I drift back to my burrow.

Do you think that others should be obliged to applaud and participate, or what ? Would being obliged to play along make everything more fun ?

A cold grey dawn and interpersonal apathies of X-Mass season slobs laziness across my horizons this morning. I'm in transition mode between knowing that I'm not the only one to be bored with commercial Xmases - and not yet being able to rouse the collective apathy sufficiently to create alternative celebrations! Yes, good people don't want Christmas turkey, but we seems unsure about whether nut roast is a sufficiently exciting alternative.

Just plodding along minding my business today - opening invoices, making porridge, tidying. It's greeeeeeeeey, and for once I can't put a positive swing on that. Saidso.

I just bumped into an example of a similar deal for me, and wonder what you think about it?

I'm a good cook. I wasn't born a good cook, but at some point in my life I decided that enjoying good food was something that I wanted to learn and share. I work at being in an emotional/ mental space to create and cook good meals.

Guest to my cooking come in three extremes: the ones that sit themselves down passively with WhatsApp still open on their mobile don't last long: the ones that visit again and again applauding my cooking but never contribute; the ones that give me most pleasure are the ones that come along and share preparation, ask questions, bring ingredients.

I have strong feelings about how people receive my cooking. I've recently had a guest in the middle category = appreciated vigourously but do nothing to contribute, for two weeks.

In the global scale of things, as I imagine for your solo performances, this isn't a big deal but it is something that I have strong feelings about.

Do you see what I'm saying? Does my "deal" look different from the outside, to what your "deal" looks like to you from the inside????!!!*** Crucial question.

Saidso

Hello Saidso and the world,

No, the three takes on being with your cooking exactly parallel what I'm getting at. In the earlier post you asked should the other person be obliged ... well, I'm not sure how that would work.

Yet, I'm continually shocked when my significant other doesn't answer my request for more play-along with more playing-along. I would consider it an ask and response, a human request and an easy request to meet.

I oblige myself to respond as asked if someone makes such a request of me. Once in a group one member needed everyone to take turns rather than speak over one another. Different styles of group interaction, neither 'better' or 'worse' than the other one. Because, really, who gets to vote? In linguistics this is called the "gap" and "overlap" style divide.

So the rest of us listened to her. She had strong cultural experiences (Native American) that raised one person speaking at a time as the norm. Guess what? The rest of us voted to shift to her style. We weren't obliged to vote that way or change our style. But we did.

That level of request and response is what I'm seeking. If both parties don't intuit a common style, if one person bring it forward, can the other(s) adjust?

This is the question and gets a fresh answer every time people are around me.

I love helping in the kitchen from prepping to putting away dishes (well, here I lie a little). In fact, today, we're doing one of our more complicated recipes and I can't delay getting started because I'm hungry.

Revu2

Hi Rev2, and fellow Steinbeckians.
I've locked the doors of my house and I'm in my attic having a melt-down. This happens to me very rarely as I get better at managing my boundaries, but if it's gonna happen it usually happens at Xmas. Xmas is traditionally - for me - a short holiday where I get my own headspace due to not-having-a-car and lack of public transport for these 3 days of the 365. Usually I feel sad that I have no family, but this year I needed the 3 day headspace.

The wise elder inside me said bring it to Rev2's thread, even if not legitimate being purely my own raving - this is his kind of thing. So, with hesitant apologies, I am opening your office door. Do you have an office door ?

I had an e-mail screaming exchange with a real estate agent yesterday. I did a private deal to allow two of her friends to do a viewing even though my house is no longer on the market. Turns out her friends may be interested buyers, and for various reasons I informally offered them a good price which they can manage.

Next thing that happens is these friends of real estate agent want visiting my house immediately. Seems like because all 3 are friends they imagine they bought my house and have visiting rights despite not even having gone through the formal process yet to make an offer. Despite probably not yet even having the finance available to make an offer.

I said no politely, then I thought about it and said no less politely but more firmly. Said they can wait until end Jan, which is what I had already agreed as a framework but seems like their real estate agent friend wasn't listening.

I also said that there are practical reasons, such as having a workman and his tools taking up one of my bedrooms and the access to that bedroom, but also emotional reasons such as I went through a year of being pressured by desperate real estate agents before I realised that noone was buying due to economic conditions. Went through a year of constantly putting the house on a display footing. Pulled back to consciously take a break from idiots who are just looking to exploit situations. AM TAKING A BREAK. Economic conditions mean I need to cut price by a big chunk and taking a break to review my goals in those circumstances is deeply necessary. This freaking city is so all-about-quick-monay.

I am still working in various different places where I might want to live eventually, doing research at my own pace but also on schedule to put house back on market at Easter.

The system here means that real estate agent is my employee - gets 2% which is a sizeable sum, but because these are her friends she is actually representing their interests.

What really upsets me about all this is that I already went through this timetable carefully with the real estate agent, who is actually my representative and not the representative of the buyers, her friends - but she doesn't hear me. Mostly not being heard in financial deals is par for the course in this city, but in this instance I did a favour by dropping the price for these few people and I want to be respected for that.

Seems like this might be something you could vaguely understand Rev2 - or at least this thread might be a place to restore a sense of connection. I just need to hold on tight to the road that I have planned out for myself, but in the darkest time of year holding to the way is elusive. I do love the darkness but it isn't condusive to effort.

I've been working at boundaries so successfully, but seems like in this situation I have to SHOUT TO BE LISTENED TOO and even that isn't a done deal.

I am off travelling the mountains again second week of Jan. I am considering life near mountains and sea, with people who work with their hands rather than just dealing the financial markets. I feel drawn to this, but temporarily unsure whether my inner core is up to yet another set of practical challenges. Will find out in due course.

Sending you some home-made "pickles" which I've made as presents for friends.

Thx an' all!
Saidso

Well that helped. I came right down off planet Zog, and caught up the sleep that didn't happen while watching the full moon.
Of course I know that people outside may be disrespectful, it's the nature of the universe, and then the off courses happen? It does seem that occasionally I need someone to synch with my inner self... or else the system becomes vulnerable.

Hello Saidso,
It seems your sharing brought some immediate relief. These boundary issues come down to some core personal questions, don't they?

Greed is ugly, whether it's called mark-up, profit, margin, or commission. It appears this real estate agent (REA) is working both sides. Not sure how they split commissions where you are, but here its 6% of the total, which is 3% each to the buyer and seller REAs. If she or he is repping both sides that's double the commish.

How fast they claim the buyers need a place, etc. are none of your concern if it means you violate your own rules and schedule.
So, for you, this comes back to it's your home as well as a house that can be bought and sold. As your home, you set the boundaries. People who don't accept them can be asked to leave.

The strongest words you have are: "I see this isn't working and I'll have to find a new agent that works for me and with me." And mean it. If REA fails to get the message write them a letter ending the arrangement. A simple one that doesn't go into much detail. The shorter it is the more power it holds.

One more thing, if writing on this open thread feels too exposed to the whole web, you can private message me and I'll private message my responses.
Revu2

Hello Warmup,
Though it's Saturday, I have a bit of work to do that materially doesn't seem that much. It's locating in my email files draft proposed recommendations (recos) for a project I'm eager to wrap up.
The Hard Things about is that it's a team effort that is stuck in double cross, sabotage, and the general confusion within the group that type of stuff creates. Though these are the latest set of recos, whether I can weather the battles for process and authority and timing to get them DONE and forwarded to the sponsors is yet another story. Plus, another staff member is charged with writing them up and i want to avoid seeming to cross boundaries.

When I find this type of inner tangle I sit and see what I can do. Here, I can say, today no one will see the work unless they peek in on the google doc. Doubtful. Second, all of this work is ready to simply cut and paste.

Third, finding them and pasting them together will help you have them a hand. Make sure to download a copy of the file.

Fourth, you'll feel relieved and more focused on the drafting other sections.

Fifth, the scribe has great powers—first move, first frame, etc. Mine to claim.

This helped. Taking several deep breaths. Sipping my tea. Then it's to the page.


Revu2
PS—[Later] Done! Took under 10 minutes.

Thank you Rev2! <considering, "is that thank you in big enough letters?"

Greed is terrible. There is this mad thing in supermarkets this week of the year where people start shouting at workers and each other, heaping more glitter onto their trolleys. This desperation is more noticeable in the most up-market supermarkets.

Something gave me pause for thought. There was violent discussion in France about a television interview with people manning the blockages against the rise in fuel prices. One couple interviewed had four children. They were working a low-wage job, just below poverty line and therefore also on benefits. They had a wide-screen t.v. and bought their kids designer clothes. There was an outcry of absolute fury that these protesters are not marginalised, why are we paying out taxes for them to buy luxuries.

Only one writer defended them by saying: "when everything crumbles (falls apart), it's by consumption that people find their place in society".

Whoah!!! When I go to remote places, I meet mostly moralists who think they are "rejecting" consumption. Occasionally it's true that someone has actually cut down trees with their own hands and built themselves a house out of mud. Occasionally someone has exceptional artisan skills. But mostly they are fooling themselves, especially when they say that everyone should reject consumption just like they do.

I'm currently scared both by the desperate, empty greed of cities and the insular idealism of remote places. Where will I find people with a sense of humour and of proportion in my world???

Returning to the city's aggression always brings me up with a physical shock, but aggression is real, greed is real, exploitation of each other is real... and if the huge city populations moved back to the countryside we will have nothing left?

In an economic downturn while institutions struggle to adapt, profiteers are the most active form of life.

"The Hard Things about is that it's a team effort that is stuck in double cross, sabotage, and the general confusion within the group that type of stuff creates. Though these are the latest set of recos, whether I can weather the battles for process and authority and timing to get them DONE and forwarded to the sponsors is yet another story. Plus, another staff member is charged with writing them up and i want to avoid seeming to cross boundaries.

When I find this type of inner tangle I sit and see what I can do. "

This is cool . Yes if you have a document 75% ready "if all else fails "... you will have something more solid than glitter greed to offer them. That's a wise move, managing anxiety about other people's under performance - and if it only takes a firm resolution and 10 minutes of your time! Lesson learned.