[ArcheM]

I've been accepted (still need to pass some tests) for a second job (both from home). I find that I don't give two ***** about what my duties consist of. It's similar with my first job, but there I'm used to it, and got a bit of a stockholm syndrome... Anyway, brilliant, another thing robbing my life at once of time and meaning... Except, of course, the first job recently showed signs of possibly soon folding up, so it'd be unwise to throw the new "opportunity" away.

And it's not going anywhere, I'm not saving up for anything... I mean, not with what I'm earning, anyway... All I'm collecting is age and regret.

Well, at least it's the weekend, although I don't have real weekends... At the first job, there at least is an office, where they wrap up for the week, and even if I work through the weekend, I don't get any new orders or whatever. The second job seems to run without days off. And comes with an obligation to check the email at least once a day.

Or maybe my lack of enthusiasm will become apparent at the second job (or make me fail the tests)... in which case I guess the plus will be lack of change and being less secure financially. And days off sometimes.

The point of this post is that I don't have any real friends and need to vent.

[carcrashonrepeat]

Haha I get this. When I thought I was capable of working two jobs, I tried it. They were similar too - both working in the food industry.

I quit that second job probably within a month. The clique mentality and the 20-mins bike ride to and from work in the sweltering heat was not ****ing worth it.

I dunno. If you're gonna get a second job, why not let it be something you like or you're curious about or you enjoy doing?.

[ArcheM]

The problem is that what I like is quietly working on my hobbies on my own. It would be nice to turn one of them into a job, but for some reason I just can't make it. And my chances are even worse with two jobs now...

[carcrashonrepeat]

If you don't mind me asking, what are your hobbies?

[ArcheM]

I'm not sure, I've got a lot of them, and it can be tedious to formulate, because most of them are different but interconnected. Why?

[ArcheM]

I suppose I'm trying to make a small videogame, but I'm really not good at it.

[carcrashonrepeat]

I ask because perhaps identifying skills you apply in your hobbies may help you find jobs where such skills are needed, jobs that might not totally suck. Working with computers, for example, involves a skillset that many people don't have.

You don't have to profit from your hobbies right away or at all. Hobbies at least keep someone mildly content regardless of the job.

There's this book called What Color is Your Parachute. Eh. It's real value is drafting a self-inventory of your needs, preferences, and work abilities. I like to work on this when I'm unhappy at a job. That way I can slowly create opportunities. It takes time but it's been helpful on keeping me focused.

[ArcheM]

The problem is that these job do engage my skills. They both have to do with computers, and the first job directly relies on my knowledge of a foreign language, while the second one at least pretends to take interest in that. Although it also treads dangerously close to my ethical boundaries... Well, they both kind of do.

And drafting that inventory feels futile. I know what I want. I've both thought and written that down a thousand times. I can't get it.

[carcrashonrepeat]

I'm sorry. I hope you can get what you want someday.

In the meantime, I suppose you can try the self-inventory as a simple act in futility

[ArcheM]

I kind of want to die... This second job is the kind that completely excludes any live human communication, and you have to sit there and figure stuff out on your own by reading instructions. And I mean, a giant website of instructions, not always organized logically. I already do that at my current job, that's one of its parts that I hate the most... Well, there's a chat, but my social anxiety makes using it pretty hard... I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know how to do my current task...

[ArcheM]

And just heard a song in Welsh and became suddenly extremely angry. Because that's what I want to do, and I know how to do that (well, how to study it, that is). Except that one is a hard long process that I need to focus on, and these ******** jobs make it even harder, by wasting my time, sapping my patience, ruining my mood...

[ArcheM]

In addition to everything, the person closest to what I might call a real friend, kind of just stopped answering to my messages after I talked to them about this new job. And anyway were baffled that I might have a problem with it at all... I'm in front of an impenetrable web of instructions, random strangers, incomprehensible tasks, and can't even talk to anyone about this... I don't think this is going to work...

[carcrashonrepeat]

I'm kind of experiencing something similar too. It's not the tasks, I kind of enjoy them. But dogwalking I'm not making enough to justify spending most of my money to go to these neighborhoods. They said they will increase my hours. I don't trust them and I feel like the amount of walks I have is just enough. Any more and I'll just get burned out, which makes me think, "ugh its walking dogs, not rocket science." And worrying about this stuff makes me feel too overwhelmed to do anything I actually like and want to work on.

My first therapy intake isn't coming quick enough.

Anyway, Yeah, I think I would go crazy too with what you have to do.

[ArcheM]

I was about to type that I wouldn't mind walking dogs, but I unfortunately I have never owned a dog and I'm afraid it would be a really bad idea.

That said, after this a lot of things suddenly seem much more attractive. If only I actually knew how to get into them... Or it's maybe just my idealized versions... And maybe everything sucks...

[carcrashonrepeat]

Eh. I don't know why I get back into it. It's not bad when you have another job that pays well. I do not so it's tough to enjoy it. Does help to love dogs, otherwise you're cleaning up **** and pulling random crap out of their mouths because they will eat anything off the sidewalk. The big bonus is that you don't have to deal with humans much.

I mostly go on Craigs List and look for jobs. It sucks, everything is capable of sucking until it doesn't, I think.Now that I'm way more aware of my mental illnesses, and not to mention stone cold sober, I feel so insecure during interviews. Another part of me just switches on and goes through the motions so that helps. Otherwise I don't think I'd manage.

[ArcheM]

******it. I don't even know how to resign or cancel or whatever. This giant faceless corporation provides no obvious way to leave it... Screw it. Gonna send to every admin in order, until I get somewhere. It's not like I have to worry about my reputation there anymore.