[seesaw]

I'm probably hairsbreadth away from a hospital bed. I'm busting my *** for this person. And they don't care. I'm just being used. They act like they care. And then they do things that say they really don't.

I want to put my foot down, but I don't want to lose my biggest contract. This person has all the power and control, and it's making me fall apart. I can't say no because I'm afraid for my livelihood.

[Deejay14]

Seesaw take a couple of breaths and think about the best way to handle this. You are always very good with words. Is there a tactful way to point out the discrepancy between words and action? Maybe like saying there seems to be some misunderstanding ( not sure if that's the right word)...would I be correct in thinking, or this has been my experience with, or, this has been my experience with... etc. I know you can do this!!

Things are not always terribly fair. At my job I have a year of statistics to do even though I haven't been there yet three full weeks and have received minimal help. These are,the kinds of things there is not any room for error. And I have never been an administrative assistant or used Excel before this job. I am already devising ways to get August 2018 stats the first week of Sept. WHERE THERE'S A wILL THERE'S A WAY!! You will handle this well. I have every confidence in you.

[seesaw]

Thanks, Deejay. Unfortunately, it's not a matter of workload.

I can't really explain the whole situation. I just feel very close to a total breakdown again, and someone who should care just clearly doesn't, and that's very hurtful and also makes the whole situation worse. Because I'm in this situation because of her.

[divine1966]

I am sorry. Hard to tell how to handle it without knowing exact circumstances. Can you take few days off work? Tell that person you need few days off.

[Deejay14]

Can you pick up some other clients and ditch this person. I know it might not happen immediately, but just working towards that could help you feel better. Could you get back on SSDI if needed. Just thinking aloud. Wanted you to know you were in my thoughts today.

Wish I could offer you some more help.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Deejay14

Can you pick up some other clients and ditch this person. I know it might not happen immediately, but just working towards that could help you feel better. Could you get back on SSDI if needed. Just thinking aloud. Wanted you to know you were in my thoughts today.

Wish I could offer you some more help.

Thank you, and thank you, Divine. I apologize, I know it's hard to give any specific advice without knowing the situation. I really cannot explain it fully. It's just too complex and I'll leave stuff out, and then have to come back and clarify over and over...And I don't want to cause a ruckus because I can't figure out how to frame it properly.

Deejay, I don't want to ditch this client, but the last few weeks have been overwhelming. I recognize my own part in this, but she is also being unclear in her requests and also making demands versus requests. I'm going to have a discussion with her at the appropriate time about this. We have a pretty good relationship, and I believe, if I word it properly, she will understand why I'm feeling so overwhelmed and exhausted trying to fulfil her requests right now. She is not an unreasonable person, I think she has just lost sight that she is not being very clear with me lately.

The other side of this is that I have not been good about boundaries on my time, and have let others dictate my schedule, which does not work for me and my health conditions - both psychiatric and the suspected narcolepsy. So I need to strategize how to handle scheduling my time so that people can have access to me, and I can have the flexibility to rest when I need to.

In addition to that, my client, who I adore and we are actually building a partnership vs our client/consultant relationship, has done somethings within her unclear requests and demands that have really triggered me, and while, normally, I can deal with that and recalibrate my distorted thoughts, when I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed --- at this point going on a month with about only 3 hours of sleep a night, long work days --- I really just lose the ability to communicate appropriately. What's worse is that the past 2 days I have been in a total brain fog.

I ended up telling her I was unavailable pretty much for the last day and a half because of my condition, which she knows about.

I just go into this mode where everything she's ever said that's slightly off comes up and pisses me off and I get into this really bad place. For example, when talking to her about my condition and disability she said "every time I see you, you seem fine." I know she means that she thinks I'm handling it really well and managing it very well. But it also is somewhat invalidating because it feels like, "I dont' see it so you must be faking." But that is my own interpretation and I know it's not what she means. But when I get all triggered and have all these thoughts taking over my brain that I can't control or sort through, it's those statements that get twisted in my head.

So there have been a few things that have happened with her in the past week that set off these distorted thoughts, and they got harder and harder to fight due to my exhaustion, then recalibrating my brain every second (as I refer to it) and fighting the simple exhaustion got to be so much that I literally couldn't even think for about 36 hours.

I'm starting to come out of it. I literally thought I was going to collapse and end up in a pool of my own vomit or something. I mean, I couldn't get up for that whole period due to the exhaustion, and for the short periods I was awake, I was a monster.

So, now that my brain is coming back, I'm starting to feel a little better and be able to think again.

People really do not understand what happens when you get into one of these cycles with PTSD. Even without a sleep disorder, even with just the insomnia that comes with PTSD, what it does to your ability to understand and communicate and function...people say really unhelpful stuff about sleep hygeine or like "oh just go to the park" and they don't get that once your brain crosses this boundary, and you're in this brain fog and overload...you can't just snap out of it. And you can't push through it and try to function. I stumbled my way through a couple of calls yesterday and today, but man, I barely made it through.

So, I'm going to deal with the fall out of the past two sick days. I will talk to my client/partner, and I will schedule a vacation at my mom's to get some rest.

Thank you both for being so caring.

Seesaw

[Deejay14]

Good for you, Seesaw you are moving in the right direction. I totally get the ptsd thing..it takes so much wind rout of me. I know you will find the right words. Please take care.

[divine1966]

Glad to hear that things are getting better. Awesome idea to take a short vacation. You need it. Take care of yourself

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

Thinking of you, Seesaw!

[chrissyh23]

The only advice I can give you is to kill them with kindness. Even when you want to scream at them and knock them the hell out just smile and be super nice. After a bit they begin to realize you won't bend or break due to their behavior and it's just not as fun. Sounds weird I know. But every person I have ever encountered that has been like that to me I have just smiled and been nice as can be to them and eventually they soften and aren't as hard to deal with. It will take alot of effort on your part but it should be worth it.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by chrissyh23

The only advice I can give you is to kill them with kindness. Even when you want to scream at them and knock them the hell out just smile and be super nice. After a bit they begin to realize you won't bend or break due to their behavior and it's just not as fun. Sounds weird I know. But every person I have ever encountered that has been like that to me I have just smiled and been nice as can be to them and eventually they soften and aren't as hard to deal with. It will take alot of effort on your part but it should be worth it.

I have no idea what you're talking about. No one is being mean to me.

[seesaw]

Update: my brain and body have come back. Apparently going offline for about 48 hours seemed to do the trick. Client was okay with everything. She totally understood. She's amazing. Funny thing is, she tried to keep things moving while I was away, but yesterday I managed to clean up everything that was outstanding and take what her staff tried to do and took it the standard of excellence that I create. She sees that when I'm well and available things go very fast and smooth.

I'm going to see my GP after this business trip to get some more tests done to rule out or finally Dx the narcolepsy or something else. I have a T appointment after I get back too. She's helping me figure out how to manage my workload and scheduling so this doesn't happen again.

I'm glad I took myself out of commission instead of trying to communicate and work through it, because I would have just gone off on people for no reason. So things are almost recovered, and I'm planning a quasi-vacation the week after I get back. I will still be working but will minimize meetings and also take off work from all other clients, and work out with her the limit of what I'll deal with while I'm away (I can't take off entirely - I mean, maybe 1-2 days entirely, but I want to go away for about a week). If I only commit to 20 hours the week of my vacation with her, and all other clients are on hold, then I think I will be okay. I can work 4 hours in the mornings because I'll get up with my parents anyway (I'll be visiting them), then I can chill and play my guitars and relax in the afternoons, then I can go out and hang with them or whatever in the evenings.

It's getting better. I have to do a little bit of work today and then I'm off until Monday morning when I have to get on the plane. But I have a lot of prep at home to get ready before I leave, laundry and chores and such. I always clean my house before I leave so I come back to a clean home.

Seesaw

[Deejay14]

Enjoy the quasi break. When my ptsd gets activated I have to take myself to a quiet place with very few peop!e around me.

Just leaving you some good wishes and hugs, seesaws

[hyacinth1]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I'm probably hairsbreadth away from a hospital bed. I'm busting my *** for this person. And they don't care. I'm just being used. They act like they care. And then they do things that say they really don't.

I want to put my foot down, but I don't want to lose my biggest contract. This person has all the power and control, and it's making me fall apart. I can't say no because I'm afraid for my livelihood.

I was just in this situation. took a new job bec of what else, more money, and left my old job which I was earning decent salary but was very comfortable and everyone liked me.

The new place was just as you described. I was the boss's slaveboy. They wanted all control of my life and it was very stressful. I quit after a few months after I had another gig lined up. Not worth it.


but I had the same stresses as you about giving up my livelihood and having money to feed my family.


I'm out of the situation but I am still feeling the stress of it if that makes any sense. I am beating myself up on why I made such a bad decision and put my family's well being at risk. I know i shouldn't but right now not sure how to stop these feelings. My wife said you didnt know that the job was going to be like that. but my gut sort of knew and I feel guilty i didnt trust my gut.

advice is try to get out if you can and find something else. at my age (mid 40s), I dont have the patience and time to be someone's whipping boy. nobody at any age wants that.


I hope this helps.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by hyacinth1

I was just in this situation. took a new job bec of what else, more money, and left my old job which I was earning decent salary but was very comfortable and everyone liked me.

The new place was just as you described. I was the boss's slaveboy. They wanted all control of my life and it was very stressful. I quit after a few months after I had another gig lined up. Not worth it.


but I had the same stresses as you about giving up my livelihood and having money to feed my family.


I'm out of the situation but I am still feeling the stress of it if that makes any sense. I am beating myself up on why I made such a bad decision and put my family's well being at risk. I know i shouldn't but right now not sure how to stop these feelings. My wife said you didnt know that the job was going to be like that. but my gut sort of knew and I feel guilty i didnt trust my gut.

advice is try to get out if you can and find something else. at my age (mid 40s), I dont have the patience and time to be someone's whipping boy. nobody at any age wants that.


I hope this helps.

Hyacith, I'm flattered one of your 11 posts is to me!

Update to everyone: things are much better now. I got through my business trip. My client and I had a frank discussion and are changing some things. She is very concerned for me, and I'm nearly a full-time member of her staff, and she knows how much I care and how hard I work, so she knows that when I went down and out, that it was bad for me.

I'm preparing to take a full-time position with her company, and I'll still consult and maintain my business on the side. It's all very exciting, and she's all for it not being unhealthy for me. She sees me as a huge asset. Right now she's helping out immensely by taking back the training of a new hire we brought on recently. Unfortunately, the new hire isn't working out as expected, but we are hopeful that with some retraining, that she could work out. But it's not retraining I can do remotely. She needs to be micromanaged, and the stress of dealing with this new hire was part of what contributed to my collapse. I don't think I've ever met someone who literally needed to be checked in with every hour of the day to make sure they were on task, but she does or she won't complete work. So my client is going to take the next 6 weeks to train her while I focus on a big project, then when the project is over, she'll come back under my direction and hopefully be able to do things better or at least on time.

I took some time off over the holiday weekend and I'm feeling a bit better. You'd think I'd slow down after this, but I'm more determined than ever to do everything I want. Hahahhaa! Can't keep me down!

Seesaw

[healingme4me]

Well done, Seesaw

[rechu]

Sounds like that was one of those time where a frank talk was necessary. I´m glad to hear you were able to clear things up and hope they continue to go well.

[divine1966]

I’m glad to hear things have worked out. I know what it’s like to feel at the very furthest edge of your limits with a situation. It’s encourgaing to know there are still people in the work field who care.