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Have Hope
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Default Jan 30, 2021 at 07:25 AM
  #1
My former CEO had written a magnificent recommendation for me on my LInkedIn profile. We had had a very positive rapport during my tenure at his company and we had become friends to a certain extent.

Going forward, I need to retain his positive reference, especially since I cannot rely on my former boss for a reference in the future.

However, my former CEO also had hit on me after he laid me off from my job. I totally blew it off and at the time, and told him it wasn't a good idea.

When I received my recent job offer, I wrote my former CEO an email to let him know of my new job. I was excited and wanted to share the great news.

So we finally spoke on the phone yesterday about it and to catch up.

So I know I am crossing lines with him in some ways by talking about my personal issues with him, ie, my pending divorce. But we had always talked on a more personal level, ever since day 1 when I started working for him. So that is nothing new to our relationship/friendship.

I feel like we could be good friends, but I definitely do NOT want to give him any more mixed messages.

We shared on the phone yesterday information about our respective divorces. He is also getting divorced, after years and years in a bad marriage.

When we were finishing up the phone call, he said, "oh, you live alone now? So I can call you?" I said yes, before I realized what he was truly saying to me.

I hung up the phone and did one of those hand to the forehead face slaps. ARGH! What was I thinking?!?!

Now he thinks I want him to call me because I am single again! NOT my intention!!!!!!

MY intention is to maintain a positive rapport and FRIENDSHIP with him - nothing romantic.

I am not asking for constructive criticism. I understand that by talking more personally with him, that it could give him the wrong impression. I totally get that.

But what do I do if he calls me again and wants to get together? With the intention of something more than just friendship?

I have never been very good at being direct with my lack of interest in someone romantically. I usually come up with lame excuses instead.

IF this happens, I will have to address it with him: I only want friendship. I am not comfortable crossing lines with someone who used to be my boss/superior.

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Default Jan 30, 2021 at 02:38 PM
  #2
Dear Have Hope,

Yikes. That sounds like a very thorny situation. I have no idea what I do if I was in your place.

A couple of things comes to mind.

I am not sure a man with romantic desires for a woman would be able to have a non-romantic friendship with that woman unless he were able to seriously suppress the romantic feelings. I have never been able to do that myself although I have tried. Of course my personal experience is limited and could never be generalized concerning other men. People are different from each other in so many ways.

Something else that comes to mind is that I would hope that your former CEO wouldn't hold that "reference" over your head in the sense that he consciously or unconsciously seeks some kind of "quid pro quo." Since he has the power to write whatever he wants in a reference or in a conversation with a future employer, he seems to be in a position to engage in emotional blackmail so to speak. Perhaps he would never do this and hopefully and probably that is the farthest thing in his mind.

Since I come from a different culture, I am a bit of a novice as to the ins and outs of social interactions here so I imagine what I have written is quite possibly way off the mark and unhelpful to you. Hopefully those with more experience, education, insight and wisdom will see your post and respond to it with something really and truly helpful to you. My deepest apologies for not being able to be helpful to you in this. I sure hope everything turns out okay. This situation can't be easy for you.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
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Default Jan 30, 2021 at 03:06 PM
  #3
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Originally Posted by Yaowen View Post
Dear Have Hope,

Yikes. That sounds like a very thorny situation. I have no idea what I do if I was in your place.

A couple of things comes to mind.

I am not sure a man with romantic desires for a woman would be able to have a non-romantic friendship with that woman unless he were able to seriously suppress the romantic feelings. I have never been able to do that myself although I have tried. Of course my personal experience is limited and could never be generalized concerning other men. People are different from each other in so many ways.

Something else that comes to mind is that I would hope that your former CEO wouldn't hold that "reference" over your head in the sense that he consciously or unconsciously seeks some kind of "quid pro quo." Since he has the power to write whatever he wants in a reference or in a conversation with a future employer, he seems to be in a position to engage in emotional blackmail so to speak. Perhaps he would never do this and hopefully and probably that is the farthest thing in his mind.

Since I come from a different culture, I am a bit of a novice as to the ins and outs of social interactions here so I imagine what I have written is quite possibly way off the mark and unhelpful to you. Hopefully those with more experience, education, insight and wisdom will see your post and respond to it with something really and truly helpful to you. My deepest apologies for not being able to be helpful to you in this. I sure hope everything turns out okay. This situation can't be easy for you.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen
@Yaowen, thank you so much for your reply! Your insights and concerns are valid and are great points!

I do not think he would do any kind of blackmail with regards to my reference if I reject him romantically. I don't think he would at least.

And you're right in thinking that perhaps if he IS romantically interested in me that it may be too hard to just be friends.

I will have to see how this plays out. I actually highly doubt that he will ever call me.

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Default Jan 30, 2021 at 03:19 PM
  #4
If he calls, you could just suggest you grab a coffee. If he says yes, get there early, already seated, so you have the choice not to get up and great him with a hug. Should set the stage for you to explain, or even get the message across all by itself.

Not the most elegant way, but that's how I would do it if I wanted to avoid a confrontation.
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Default Jan 30, 2021 at 03:26 PM
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If he calls, you could just suggest you grab a coffee. If he says yes, get there early, already seated, so you have the choice not to get up and great him with a hug. Should set the stage for you to explain, or even get the message across all by itself.

Not the most elegant way, but that's how I would do it if I wanted to avoid a confrontation.
@AliceKate, thank you! I like your idea! And a coffee or a lunch is certainly safer than evening drinks out.

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Default Jan 30, 2021 at 03:36 PM
  #6
Happy to share
Lunch is good as long as you are sure he won't suggest ordering a bottle of wine (:
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Default Jan 30, 2021 at 04:12 PM
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Happy to share
Lunch is good as long as you are sure he won't suggest ordering a bottle of wine (:
I know, right? The last time we had lunch we had two glasses of wine each!!! That's when he hit on me.

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Default Jan 30, 2021 at 04:20 PM
  #8
Coffee it is Would be better if you already picked the place now, just in case.. you can tell him "oh, I heard of this lovely coffee place, I've wanted to go there for ages..." That way, he can't really say no to coffee and convince you otherwise.
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Default Jan 30, 2021 at 04:28 PM
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Coffee it is Would be better if you already picked the place now, just in case.. you can tell him "oh, I heard of this lovely coffee place, I've wanted to go there for ages..." That way, he can't really say no to coffee and convince you otherwise.
Good idea!!! Thanks!

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Default Feb 02, 2021 at 09:04 AM
  #10
I don’t think it’s wrong to date former bosses, just current ones. I know you said you aren’t interested but...

If you don’t want to date him, I’d say suggesting to meet him for coffee or lunch is pretty much the same as asking him out on a date. If that’s not what you want then I’d not. be doing that. Sure friendships are fine but this doesn’t sound like that to me. If a man hit on me I’d not be asking him out in hopes to turn it in to friendship. It’s not going to work

I’d not trust this guy. Situation with you being let go sounded suspicious to me. This lay off didn’t sound right to me. Like he was ok firing you but then ok hitting on you. Fishy. Like not good enough for a job but acceptable for you know what. It would really bother me. If I was let go but then my boss asked for something romantic right away, I’d be hurt and grossed out.

Also he hit on you while you were married and not divorcing and you told him your marriage going well. I don’t trust men like that.

You can have great references yet not going out for meals with people or build any kind of special connections. I always have great references from former bosses and I keep in touch with some but it’s ok not to go out or have anything deep and meaningful with them. Keep it professional

Now it’s ok to hang out with him. But I’d probably refrain from it
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Default Feb 02, 2021 at 09:08 AM
  #11
Thanks, @divine1966. I tend to doubt that he will follow through on anything - meaning I'm guessing he won't actually ask me out. At the time I wrote this post, I was worried about it, but now, far less so. I definitely will not be the one contacting him again, and I certainly won't ask him to lunch or for a drink out. Nope. And I'm not interested in him either.

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Default Feb 02, 2021 at 09:21 AM
  #12
I think it’s for the best. Honestly every time I tried anything even remotely romantic right after break up or divorce, it was a bad bad decision. You could make new friends, maybe not guys though, not at this point
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Default Feb 02, 2021 at 09:31 AM
  #13
Exactly. That’s how I got involved with my husband- I was on the rebound. What a mistake!

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