I don't belong and I am not respected

I am crying again this morning. This has been the case nearly every morning lately.

I had to go into the office yesterday for the full day because my team had a team lunch. This was the first time meeting a few new team members. I felt very apart from the team being the only female, #1, and #2, being the one non-technical person on the team. Two team members were geeking out together on the technical aspects of our field yesterday (digital marketing), and I felt very left out of the collaboration. And I realized that I am the odd person out on my team in these two ways. As a result, I left the office feeling very down spirited.

I have GOT to leave this company - this has been building up within me for the last three months.

And the reason why I am crying?

I am tired of not fitting in anywhere. I am tired of being disrespected wherever I've gone in my career. I am just plain tired of it all.

I am nearly 51 years old and this has been happening for years now. I just want to belong somewhere. I want to feel at home somewhere, and I want to be in a company where I can finally feel and be treated with the respect I deserve.

Is that too much to ask?

Sure, I am in a male dominant field, and it's still a male dominant world. But I am a high achiever and am very skilled and successful with what I do. But I still don't receive the respect I deserve.

Maybe I am just not fit for this at all. But it's too late to change careers for me. I am 13 years deep in my field at this stage, I am older, and I am highly specialized within my field of practice. I also cannot just start my own consulting business because I need money to afford all the digital marketing tools needed in order to do this job correctly.

So every morning I cry. I am sick of the fight, and I am sick of the battle.

Just looking for support around this.

Hi @Have Hope - I am sorry you do not feel part of the in crowd. I think that is something that some people do better than others. To me it is like acting and some people are great actors.

I am not sure that the problem can be solved out there. A friend told me they tried for years to be popular and they ended up just accepting the fact that they are not going to win popularity contests. Instead they started reinventing their life, doing things on nights and weekends that they secretly longed to do but said they couldn't because of work. So work kept paying the rent and preparing for retirement and they began to volunteer, exercise and do creative things. They really turned their life around.

And as an afternote, they never did get to be popular even in their sixties, but they stopped expecting it so they did not suffer the pain and frustration they once felt.

All the best to you. @CANDC

Thanks @CANDC for your reply and support!

It's more an issue of lack of respect and appreciation than a popularity issue, however. I am generally well liked and well received by most of my coworkers in every job I've held. I'm outgoing and pleasant and am very upbeat and positive to be around, so most people appreciate and enjoy my presence in a work environment and generally, I make friends at work very easily. I also make people laugh.

It's the higher ups who disrespect me fairly frequently. That's where I am feeling the rub the most.

AND, because right now I work with male coworkers who are all far more technically driven and skilled than I am, I am left out. I am not left out of the crowd otherwise and I don't feel unpopular within my team otherwise. It's just that they are all very geeky techie and I am not. I am far more creative and right brained, so I am apart from them in that way.

And I cry every morning because I just don't get the respect I deserve from my higher ups... I've been bullied, beaten up verbally, overly criticized, undermined and shot down by many higher ups instead. And I am very very very sick of being treated this way.

I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I wish I had something to offer to make it better, but just yesterday I had a conversation with my manager where I was trying to explain my thought process regarding a certain subject and he just didn't get it no matter how hard I tried to explain why I came to the solution I did. It wasn't a massive issue, but just one more way I don't "fit" with this team. I'm trying to move into another department but that's a process. Anyway, just wanted to say I empathize with the feeling.

And I can empathize with you as well. It's hard when you cannot get your point across to a boss and when they're not on the same page as you. I've been there myself.

I worried I was getting fired because my CEO called me at random the other day. And he doesn't just reach out for no good reason. He had a specific reason, but wouldn't tell me so. He said he was stressed at work, and I didn't know why. When he laid me off the first time, he called to "check in" with me just before he let me go. That's what made me think he was letting me go again.

That has nothing to do with any of this conversation other than I worried I was being fired for being the outsider on my team. My new boss and I don't seem to see eye to eye either, so I feel that pain too.

I feel your pain. I hope things work out for you in moving to another department. For me, it means I am leaving my job for hopefully a far better fit and match.

Hi, Have Hope! Being disrespected is very insulting. I'm sorry you're having such difficulties. I also receive such lack of respect in my second job because it's also dominated by men. I am often treated as though I'm ignorant at the construction site just because I'm a woman. I don't like being mean and aggressive, but I often find that I need this attitude for me to be taken seriously. Anyway, giving you some hugs. Hope you feel better.

Thank you!!

So.., if being mean and aggressive works in construction, I wonder if that would work in my field too? Digital marketing. Your story makes me think I should try it. Maybe then I won’t get ****ed with.

I don't know if I would recommend it. I live in Asia and this is kind of the culture we have in construction sites. If I don't want to be pushed around, I have to establish my authority by letting them know I won't tolerate being disrespected, even if that means I have to raise my voice and show my anger sometimes.

Oh wow. Yeah, different culture than entirely. I cannot imagine raising my voice to anyone at work. But I can be passive sometimes and can take the **** I don't deserve.

I'm not always angry and mean, though. I just show that kind of attitude when I feel like I'm being ignored and snubbed. As a woman in the field, I need to show them that I'm in-charge. I do that in my other job, too. When I teach my students and I feel like there's a hint of lack of respect, I show them nicely but assertively that they can't do that to me.

I wish I could do that.

I think sometimes the only way is to have a thicker skin and not take things to heart. Kind of like we cannot change them but we can change how we see things. Is it easy? No. I know some of it came to me with age. I used to be much more sensitive when I was younger.

Yes... I see your point! Thanks, Divine.

Dear Have hope,

I don't know how you endure the unbearable. I was in a similar situation while I was in healthcare. However, you seem to be well-qualified for your field while I was not. I am happier now and am doing well at my job although it is more like a hobby for me than a job. I have no advice but support you in your efforts to deal with your situation. I was mocked and demeaned by my colleagues in healthcare so I am glad I quit. But, honestly, I was not meant to be in healthcare given my condition. I wish you the very best! If it means anything to you, I was really stressed by my situation before and was really unhealthy. I was about 100 pounds overweight and was a mess from head to toe. Now, I am healthier and am happier. People say I'm attractive and always compliment me on my personality and appearance now. Looks are not everything but good health is. I would focus on how stress is affecting your health. I was really unhealthy and saved my life from an early demise by quitting and doing something that makes me happier. I would NOT continue with your job if it is causing you much stress. Stress can kill. I am doing so much better now. I am healthier and truthfully I am happier because I look healthier and feel healthier. Best wishes!

Thanks for your support!

I cannot leave or quit my job though without another job offer. I have bills and rent to pay, and I do not have disability or family to rely on. I am solo and must support myself independently so quitting outright is just not an option.

I do have an interview today that I am really excited about. Fingers crossed it goes well!!!

I do wish the very best for you! Yes, you have to persevere! Hopefully, your situation will work out in your favor!

Havehope, this is excellent advice. The alternative is, of course, to seek employment elsewhere. Is that really a long-term solution? I'm not saying you shouldn't do it, but there are so many questions. What if you move to another company where you feel valued, only for a few months down the line, the dynamics change. New boss/new colleagues.

As I said in another of your posts, respect has to be earned. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, the bosses you mention do not understand that bullying/discrimination is illegal. There may also be very personal reasons for such behaviour. Now I have read everything, I see similarities with how I was treated in various roles. An example, young and good looking marketing graduate was very rude to me and other female staff (mostly secretaries). He was around 26, me late thirties. One day, I'd had enough of his arrogance so when he demanded something and didn't say please, I was silent. His next barked words "don't you understand!" My response "Yes but didn't your parents teach you any manners?" He looked at me in utter horror; I'd dared to answer back. The end result, he returned 30 minutes later to apologise. After that, we had a mutual respect for each other. Even some of the managers commented how much he'd changed. Only one, my boss, ever knew why!

The construction industry is still a male stronghold, even today when there are female engineers. A thick skin is definitely required there. Mean/aggressive behaviour may be fine in that industry but it wouldn't work in others. When asked about females on the flightdeck, my commercial pilot friend summed it up "a pilot is a pilot; it doesn't matter what sex they are".

Good luck with your interview!

Thanks!

I believe the disrespect towards me personally comes from feeling threatened that I could take their position. I strongly disagree that respect in a workplace must be earned. All should be treated equally and with fairness and respect from day 1.

I will not stay in a company where I am miserable out of fear of what COULD happen in the next company. That is not how I operate. If I am unhappy somewhere, I leave. If I stayed out of fear, then I will. never get anywhere in life. My job is a deadend job, so i must leave regardless.

So Sorry for what you're going through! Please Do not give up! i don't have much to add other than hoping the situation will improve soon for everyone. i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters about either finding another place if possible or trying to resist these comments. Do what you need to do as long as you don't hurt others of course then. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Have Hope, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

This is NOT a healthy suggestion but I have started in a way disassociating during one-on-one conversations where my work or judgment is being questioned. I can't ever prepare for these conversations (I get a message from my manager asking me to call him out of the blue), so I have started pretending the conversation is happening to someone else and I'm watching. It's easier for me because I'm a remote worker, I don't know if I could do it if I was there in person, but I am able to participate in the conversation without feeling like I'm being ripped apart, so I'm going to use this tactic until I can get into another department. I definitely don't want to make a habit of dealing with people that way, but this particular person is a very logical and rigid thinker and really doesn't "get me" at all and has said so. I think it's a survival technique.