Coping with shame and low confidence

I quit my job about 2 weeks ago. While at first I was worried about the lack of masks worn by my coworkers (I problem solved that, got over it), it turned out to be a really poor fit for me in the department I was in. The young man training me, I was finding myself uncomfortable with him - whether it was his training style or just lack of interpersonal skills or both, I did not feel ready to go on my own with this work, and I felt stressed by him (he did not give me much guidance in some areas, assumed I knew what I was doing after showing me just once, and used a condescending tone with me in front of customers). The day I quit, I practically ran out the door. He triggered me literally, regardless of if he meant to, and he probably didn't mean to, but I felt that he was being a jerk (though he also wasn't a bad person) and it was just a poor fit with him as well as the department. I wasn't sure about working in that department - there was a lot to learn and train in, and I was coming to realize it wasn't for me, that department.


Later that same day that I quit, I realized that I could have made it work, if I'd thought to go to the main boss and tell her it wasn't working out. If I'd asked her to put me in a different department, I'm sure she would have. But the way I quit, I literally just told her I couldn't do it, and walked out the door. A week after I left, I tried sending a well crafted and professional email to her. I didn't like how I left, and even just for my own self respect, I wanted to give her a better explanation, even though I didn't owe her that, and wishing her well, etc. It bounced back to me. So that was that. I tried.


On top of that, the place where I get job coaching support dropped my case because of this. They have guidelines and expectations of those they help, and because I didn't give 2 weeks notice or notify her first that I was quitting, they dropped my case. I felt at first, like I was being punished. My job coach was really hurtful, on top of all this! She would not communicate with me about why I was she was asking me to come in, her body language and tone of voice was angry, and I ended up leaving without even meeting, and she called after me that I was making a poor choice by leaving. It was ****ed up. I was so upset. I complained about her to the director. It was really out of character for her to act that way, but it's still not okay.


It helped to talk to the director. But I decided that their program is not for me. And he decided to end my case, because they are not therapists, and he recommends me working with my therapist more on my low confidence (his words). He did apologize to me about her behavior, and he is looking into it. He expressed what he feels she could have done differently. It was helpful.


But my stance, through this whole thing, has been: I want to continue looking for work. I haven't worked in 8 years, and I'm sick of not working. I want to work, and next time I'm faced with something like this, like with my training manager, I want to do it differently, even though it really was so triggering that that day all I could think of was running out the door.


So, I didn't at first, but now I feel a LOT of shame. Talking to my therapist....I wonder if she has contributed a little. After asking her about some of her reactions to what I said about the guy training me, she wonders if his intent wasn't to be a jerk, and that maybe I misinterpreted it, because in the past I have misinterpreted things with people. It just feels really invalidating. At first I agreed with her that I don't know. But...there's such a thing as intent vs impact. And this dude was young, seemed angry and unstable, I was intimidated by him despite this, I was new, nervous, trying my hardest, and whether he meant to be a jerk or not (maybe he didn't, I'm not sure what he "meant" matters), I felt so hurt by his tone and demeanor and training style that I left and never went back. Something triggered me and I was like "oh hell no not again" I have been in these situations before, and I have trauma from being bullied and treated poorly in school and in work situations.


I also feel like I am suddenly...NOT ready to keep looking for work. I am afraid. I am afraid of it happening again. I am afraid of the bad feelings. I am afraid of people being mean to me. For ****'s sake, even my job coach was mean. I also just feel so bad about myself. I don't know why, because it was...me leaving was actually a change in how I'd handle this **** in the past: I have been treated horribly at jobs in the past, and all I did was pretend like it wasn't happening. And I stayed. Until I literally couldn't take it anymore, and broke, and ended up in the hospital. This time, I didn't take it. I left right away. I'm proud of myself for this, despite the fact that I will find a way to do it differently next time.


So now I'm finding myself with all these ****ing self help books. Brene Brown, a ptsd/resilience workbook.......but I'm not going to solve my trauma and issues in just a couple weeks. It will take years. And I want to work now. And I also feel really knocked down. And its hard to get back up. Especially after what happened with the job coach. And even the director said I should take some time to work with my therapist. His words got to me. But my therapist says "how will you learn to deal with painful situations with people if you don't put yourself in the situations? Like working." I totally agree. Volunteering is so cozy and cushy. Everyone's nice. I'm not going to grow or "Get 'ready' to work" and for these hard situations by volunteering.


But I just feel so knocked down now. How do I get back up? All of a sudden, I don't feel ready. How do I feel ready again?

Job coaches are worse than certain mentors; mentors will understand your needs and limitations, if they are good; whereas job coaches are just that - coaches - which push you to your limits and try to toughen you up. Job coaches are tantamount to "attack therapy," and it might help some, but it certainly doesn't help all.

Indeed, your T should have been more validating for you.

I'm sorry you struggle with that.

I am severely disabled now, and was more functioning before my self-esteem was shot down by certain people trying to act as "job coaches" for me and my mentor, who wasn't a good fit for me at all. Three years wasted on that that endeavor coupled with my many setbacks as now a more crippled person still dreaming about rehabilitation but facing the reality that I might have just made it to early retirement (via disability).

Have an open conversation with your T about your feeling invalidated from her, and about her not understanding that most coaches don't understand the needs of people with mental disabilities. She should have not pathologized you as someone who misinterprets others, but instead listened to you and what you were saying altogether - how the job coach made you feel. She should have asked you more questions to get at the details of why you felt that way with your job coach before just assuming that it was your misinterpretation. If your T was right, she would have pointed out what you said that sounded like you had a misunderstanding; but she didn't seem to do that.

And for us with mental disorders, esp. PTSD (if that's what you have??), when we feel pressured into agreeing with someone in power (like a T), it retraumatizes us even further. That kind of invalidation makes us feel gaslit and triggered from the past. All of that would bring us down further, instead of building us up. A good mentor would know how to build you up, but a coach operates differently.

I, myself, would never get a coach. I would only seek out mentoring relationships - and the kind that was very transformative and not so much testy or coachy.

(((safe thoughts and safe hugs)))

I hope you feel better.

Thank you for your support Sprinkle. I'm glad I got it out. I know it was quite a lot to read. I'm sorry to hear you've had some difficulty, too, with people in "helping" professions. You have my sympathy and support.

I had a hard day but this afternoon / evening, I have been finding solace and balance in reaching out to places to volunteer - I've realized that I need to do *something* with my days. Currently, where I volunteer just is not enough. I'm reading for a class I am taking and that is also bringing me comfort. I had a healthy dinner too.

Again, you are taking care of yourself.....
Your volunteer work sounds rewarding.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I wonder if it's kind of like quitting smoking, where sometimes you just have to try it a bunch of times before it works out. After eight years out of the workplace, you probably have some muscles to build up again when it comes to frustration tolerance and dealing with aggravating people (whether they mean to be or not).


This latest job incident is evidence that nothing really bad will happen if you try a job and quit because you don't like it. Thinking about it that way may make it easier to just try again. It's low stakes. You've learned a huge lesson about how to handle a similar problem in the future so if this situation happens again at the next job, you can try approaching management before you decide it's not for you.


Your therapist questioning your reaction to this guy doesn't sound helpful at all. Whatever the guy's intent was, the only part you can control is your reaction to that kind of trigger. Developing and practicing coping strategies for dealing with people who seem like jerks seems more helpful than trying to guess what he was thinking.

I agree that therapist took an incorrect, invalidating, and unhelpful step in her comments on the guy at work.

Thank you for your kind words all.

@hvert you hit the nail on the head, we are in agreement that I probably need to build my muscle of working and working with difficult people! Thank you for your supportive comments.

@bizi thank you for your kind words!

All: I noticed a lot of people here coming to my defense re: what my therapist said about that guy. I know you guys are trying to help. But I'm finding it overwhelming and triggering. I think my therapist is great. She's helped me a lot and we have a good working relationship and I respect her and I'm planning on continuing to see her. She's not perfect. I think...if she can admit, just like I've admitted that I could be wrong, that she could be wrong herself, then I feel good. Its entirely possible that her own perception has gotten in the way. I asked directly, by the way, what she thought. That doesn't mean she is right or that...I have to sit and take her perception as fact. No, its not a helpful view to me, and yes it caused me to feel bad. I will talk to her more when I see her. I just don't want people to bash her. It doesn't help me to see that though I know you guys are trying to help.
Honestly she would probably agree with hvert's ending paragraph, too. I guess I will talk to her when I see her this week. You all aren't completely off base - but maybe she has a blind spot. Doesn't make it helpful to me. And maybe I'm triggered bc I feel what you guys said was true and I literally cannot deal. But when we literally can't deal...I think that means we need to step away so I guess that is how I will end it. My therapist and I may talk about our relationship, at my request, when I see her. It might be hard bc I tend to kow tow to her when there is conflict. I will try. Last words: I've had worse therapists than her. Much. I've also had better / ones I've more preferred, but I really like her too.

My T and I have strengthened our relationship because I was able to be honest with her about when she seems like she's not understanding what I'm saying, or when I feel hurt by what she said in response to me or a part of me. That's all part of therapy.

You can ask yourself why you feel triggered when defending your T, even after posting about your T? Do those triggers stem from past childhood experiences? People who have had to deal with substance-abusing parents, or abusive parents, or neglectful parents often inadvertently learn that it's NOT okay to confront their feelings to those in positions of power, or those in certain "close" relationships. Your T should be able to help you with this if you are honest with her about your posting here, about how you felt regarding her reaction to your statement about the job coach, and about your fears of your relationship with your T (along with any triggers that you felt with our responses online here and/or in session with your T). She should be trained in helping unpack all of these things and assisting you with finding a path that works best for you.

If, however, your T was correct in her assessment of you, and you were incorrect in your assessment of what she said initially, then that's a different story, a different trigger, and another reason why our responses would also be triggering. We are only responding to what we read, and we are doing the best based on our own experiences. I'm in my late-40s and have experienced over 20 years of different T's and different treatments - some that were okay, some that were not okay. Many of us have recognized these different patterns in life, things that tend to come up with coaches, mentors, and/or T's, so that is why it sparked our interest to read and then respond, hoping to offer some helpful advice. If, however, you have certain issues that are beyond what you had mentioned here, then all we can do is hope that you are able to find what you're needing in T, given all the unspoken variables.

Wishing you the best with healing with your T and finding a better direction - whether you stay with your coach or move on to other areas, or maybe a combo of both.

On the one hand, thinking well of one's therapist is important, I don't want to disturb that. On the the hand, though, I don't want to give her a pass when you said that she may have contributed to your shame. If it were me, I would discuss it with her, with the intention of getting past the problem and continuing to see her.

I agree with what Bill3 said.

Bill3 actually said it better than I did. (I'm at a loss for words, which is why I'm wordy, LOL.)

Talking to the therapist about that comment and how it affected you actually seems like really good practice for the whole work situation! Just because someone doesn't have the perfect response every time doesn't make them a bad person or bad at what they do. There are more options than all or nothing, stay or go.

@Bill3 and all: how do I talk to her / tell her that I didn't find her view helpful and that it contributed to my feelings of shame without putting her on the defensive? I don't want to tell her what to think and feel. At the same time, her expressed view harmed me.


Something that comes to my mind is: "I don't want to be the kind of person who has to have people always agree with them." But I'm not always.


Maybe I could say that I have usually felt good about our interactions, but that her expressed view of that guy (and me) contributed to my pain and shame. Keep it simple.


I worry she might put it back on me. Like, "you are feeling this way, your feelings are your own, and possibly a distortion, how is it my fault?" so to speak.


But if I get that from her, maybe that is a good indicator that she is not as developed as a therapist as I thought and it's maybe time to consider our relationship.

I’m not saying your T will put it back on you, and I’m not sure how you’d ask without putting her on the defensive, but in case she does put things back on you there might be something useful in this article (it’s about people with ADHD, but the paragraph towards the end looks like it might be useful when dealing with blame shifting in general): Blame shifting: when someone you love puts it all on you
If you don’t find it helpful it’s fine to ignore it, though! I hope you can resolve the problem of being made to feel more ashamed.

She doesn't have to agree with you and you wouldn't be telling her what feelings or thoughts to have. You would be asking her not to bring into session those thoughts and feelings that engender shame or are otherwise harmful to you.

Whether or not she becomes defensive is up to her. In my view, a wise and skillful response would be for her to say something like "Thank you very much for sharing this with me. I bet that took courage. Can you tell me more about it?"...and then go on nonjudgmentally to explore what you felt.

Yes, exactly. If she puts this back on you then in my view she is not functionally skillfully or wisely as a therapist.

She should be thrilled that you had the courage to bring this up to her, and she should support and encourage you in speaking your truth to her.

I think its also important to say that I specifically asked her about her thoughts on it. What if she brings this up?

A therapist doesn't have to answer every question, but only those that they judge will advance the therapy. They can always say it doesn't matter what I think; why are you interested in what I think; I think many things are possible, what do you think the possibilities are; I don't know enough to say; they can ignore the question and ask you something different, etc.

If for example a therapist had a negative opinion about a client's clothes, and the client said what do you think of what I am wearing, in my opinion the therapist absolutely must not share that negative opinion.(And imo even if they liked the clothes they still shouldn't judge!)

So if your T were to say "Well you asked" then she is blaming the victim. If she did that I would see it as falling under what you said above, she isn't developed enough as a therapist. A therapist of all people shouldn't be hurtful, and shouldn't blame a client for the hurtful words of the therapist.

@Bill3 thank you. I appreciate your answer a lot. This gives me more confidence in talking to her.

@SprinkL3 I'm wordy too. You're in good company thank you for the wisdom and insight in your post, and to my knowledge, no I am not omitting / hiding anything. That's not my style - I take responsibility for my actions when I'm wrong. Of course, this is an internet forum, and I'm a stranger. I don't blame anyone for being wary of what ppl say online, especially when they are strangers too. I've observed many a time when posters say something only to get sympathy, but they omit certain stuff so they won't look bad. Anywho, have a good night.

Thank you, @WovenGalaxy

I'm glad you didn't omit anything. I sometimes omit stuff when it's too much info, but I try to share as much detail as possible (hence, my wordiness) to paint a bigger picture. But then again, people might not see the bigger picture when too many words are there. LOL. I'm glad I'm not the only wordy one here.

I'm sure you'll work things out with your T.

Overall, if the goal is to maintain a good relationship with your T while finding resources that will help you in a similar way as that coach, then perhaps you can figure out what you truly need. Sometimes we focus so much on the relationship mishaps (like the T's reaction to what you said about the coach), that you lose sight on the bigger picture - your T seems stable, your coach does not seem stable, and your objective is to really find help with some sort of job, career, or voc rehab that the coach was supposed to provide.

Perhaps if you reframe what your needs are, you can see that which you're avoiding by masking it with the relational mishaps with the coach and the T. You can repair the T stuff, since you said you like your T. Your coach probably needs to go. You can find a new coach or a mentor or just a support group to help you in a similar vein. But what exactly did the coach provide that you are still in need of? Are you satisfied with your job title, your job, your pay, the direction you're heading for a career path? Is that what you truly need, and would you like your T to affirm your goals? If so, those could be great talking points you can bring up with your T, too. Perhaps your T could help you with that instead of your coach?? Just another thought.

I am no longer seeing the job coach, Sprinkle. I don't feel like I'm masking anything. Its just the direction this thread seemed to go in. I do feel that I lost a bit of focus, bc of that. Perhaps its time for a MSF break. I agree that focusing on my own needs and desires is a good idea.