Hating Myself for Quitting

So, I know there aren't really any answers to this, I just need to get it out. I apologize for the length.

Although I did not realize it at the time, I have lived with a narcissistic abusive father my entire life. About nine years ago, I stumbled into a decent job/career in tech and began becoming more independent. I had worked very hard for several years with the goal of buying a house and getting out on my own and I finally reached the point where I had the down payment, credit score and loan approvals. I told my father thinking he would be proud, but instead received the worst, most vile emotional manipulation of my life. I was basically told that my duty was to stay and take care of him until he died and that if I left and anything happened to him it would be my fault. This went on for over a month. Needless to say I was devastated, confused and lost. I put my dreams of a house on hold and became overtaken by stress, seriously damaging my health.

I continued to work and about a year later received a promotion and sizable pay raise, but the new position required me to work insane hours (8am-5pm five days a week, come back at 7pm and work until 11pm two to four times a week, plus overnight on-call every other week. All of this included weekends and holidays). My father kept interfering with how much I was working and I knew I needed to move out, but my health was in shambles and I had no fight left in me. I ended up giving up my job in an terrible moment of self-sabotage.

Since that time I've been through the darkest, but in many ways the most rewarding time of my life. I got very ill and almost died, then I went into the darkest depression I've ever experienced. I decided to end my life, but when the time came I couldn't bring myself to do it. For some strange reason, this catapulted me forward. I researched everything I could about the unhealthy family dynamic I've grown up with, found support and healing and in many ways I'm the most mentally healthy I've ever been.

My issue now is that I cannot get over the career I abandoned and the opportunity I missed. I cannot get over the time, money and experience I've lost. It eats at me every waking moment. I know that even if I get another job, I can never make up for the financial hit especially because any job I qualify for pays less. It seems so cruel to me that I finally have the tools I need to really live a life but no longer have the financial means. I am currently trying to find work, but my health will never be what it was. I'm trying to be hopeful, but I just can't seem to make peace with this and beat myself up over it constantly. I cannot get over how stupid a decision it was.

I've researched and tried everything from self-forgiveness to radical acceptance, I just can't seem to shake this terrible sense of loss. Like I said, I don't expect any real answers as I know it's a personal thing, I just needed to get it out of me. Thanks to anyone who bothered to read to the end.

((((((Knickerbocker)))))))

Sorry for all difficulties that you've gone through.


You are grieving.

I wish I could say something that would make you feel better.

Keep posting and welcome to the forum. I hope you make some meaningful connections here.