Work Friend

I do not look forward to having the same conversation with my work friend. But, she just applied for an in house role. She didn't get an interview. She goes round and round in circles talking about how hard she works and how much she does...(which she does) but... she can't remember that in her career - the following has occurred:

(1) She was written up and punished with unpaid time off for allegedly ( that I believe is true) being insubordinate with a manager (she said F** you) under her breath.

(2) A few years ago she was demoted for, among other things, being insubordinate. But also not doing her work before going on vacation.

(3) Recently she got called in for an allegation from another employee that she was drunk at work... (which was not true). But I believe that she likely was hung over and said some inappropriate things that could lead others to think she was drunk.

All of the other applicants... did not have these things. Now I admit, she is in the dog house at work and that is why they are not going to consider her for the position.... but she had reason to be. I, and a lot of other people, have good records and still won't be considered for jobs.

We also have the conversation about why, no matter what she does, her review always comes back at "meets expectations". Never exceeds. And she should know, it will NEVER come back at exceeds. Her record doesn't warrant that... ever. She continues to argue it... argue that she did this or did that but in the end.... her grade is based on her being in the dog house. She knows that one more problem in the workplace will likely lead to her termination and yet, at the same time think they will consider her for a promotion?

I have told her to get therapy but... alas...

I can't tell her this... she won't take it well and she is my "helper" at work so I need her help. I just can't understand how she can't see this.

So she called me yesterday -- a weekend when we usually don't talk -- because she saw something in her review that annoyed her. So, she has been pushing for the "exceeds expectations" and I told her that won't happen. But I can't understand why she wants it because it will make no difference to her pay. But she tells me she wants it because she did a lot of extra work this year.

So the manager told her she was going to go in and add some additional material. Now, my friend thought it would be something good. But, it was mostly adding the incident where the co worker thought my friend was drunk, captured in way that... even though there is no evidence that my friend was drunk they said it like it was my friend's lack of professionalism that caused the co worker to think that. So her fault no matter what.

This says to me it is a warning sign. Push for exceeds and we will bring this incident up.

When the incident happened I told her to go to a higher level in HR (which is not connected to my agency) and tell them her side of the story and seek their advice on what to do. So, that, at the very least, her side would be recorded in an objective forum. I told her that even if she didn't fight it... disputing it someplace on the record where they were not prejudiced against her would be key if they kept trying to use it against her.

She didn't do so. To me this is evidence it is true.

No matter.... I told her she needs to accept she isn't going to be getting jobs and or getting promotions ever and we need to work on how to survive until retirement. I have told her to stop doing the extra work even though it will mean more work for me. But she won't.

It is frustrating. I do wonder if she is going to make it until retirement. She can't accept reality.

So the announcement about the job came out and thankfully for her, it did not go to people she doesn't like. It went to someone who is uber qualified and actually works for the boss right now in another capacity. So she feels that she couldn't have beaten this person and glad that people she doesn't like didn't get it.

Though it isn't so great for me because two of the people who I applied I can't stand and was looking forward to them moving on so I could get someone else in the role.

My friend is on vacation so I won't hear from her for a week.

Now I really have to stop her from calling me. She does it too much. I hate to have to put off a friend this way but I have to do it. I am going to tell her that I am joining a gym and going at night, so I can get her to stop calling me. I realized how much of my day is "held hostage" to her calling. I never know if or when she is going to call. And I feel like she has really gotten in the way of me living my life.

I just really have to find a way to end this... she came back from vacation and started up with me again... about how... she does all this work and she can do the job but they won't give it to her. She told me she talked to another manager (who is a long time friend for us both) and the manager was shocked she didn't get it and said she was absolutely qualified.

Ugh.. come on... she is a manager, what is she going to say? I am your supposed friend and I don't tell you the truth.

It isn't really helping her.

I told her I was joining a gym and probably wouldn't be around, but she called anyway.

I can't understand why she can't understand why being qualified doesn't get you the job when you have MAJOR marks against you. It is actually pretty lucky that you aren't fired.

I told her.. she just has to accept what is and find ways to survive until retirement. Like the rest of us.

Do you not have caller-id? The only person i talk on the phone to is my 90 yr old aunt!

She is persistent. If I don't pick up she will call all night. And probably be mad and since she does work for me at work I need her to be happy with me.

So long story short, I told her she was making a mistake arguing with management. She needed to keep her head down and learn to live in the job until retirement. This is the advice her current manager gave her (who is a long time personal friend)

And what did she do? She sent an email asking for a part of her review to be removed. (after she said it was ok) This quickly lead to a slap down. I told her to leave it be. She has a new boss (the aforementioned personal friend) and this is the best time ever because the management will want to hear from her new manager about her in a year. And if this new manager says she is not a problem... it could be the thing that gets her out of the dog house.

Another thing I told her... in my current job I do not have the time to be fighting with HR over things and that is reflected by the fact that they really haven't heard from me in 20 years. But she is at them daily. I am wondering how long it will be before they start piling work on her.

Quite honestly, I'm a bit surprised she lasted this long. In any company I've worked for, saying F-you to a manager would have probably gotten you fired. I think you're definitely right to tell her to keep her head down and do the job. You may have to go broken record on this, every time she brings up perceived slight at work, repeat I'm not discussing this, you need to put your head down etc.
Good luck, it sounds challenging

Thanks.

At the heart of it, I don't think she really can accept her actions and their consequences. She can't look at it and own it. But I can't push too hard. My boss surprised me with a need for coverage this week when I am on vacation and she is doing it for me. So I need to keep her happy.

So yesterday I was doing personal work for me on vacation and I got a text from her about work (I have a mac so texts come on your mac as well) Ok, I am on vacation but... she told me that my boss set something up in person for next week. I am back on Friday so there was no need to tell me this. So I took a look at what was set up and I got annoyed because I had talked with my boss last week how I couldn't possibly get this turned around for that time frame. And he freaking waited until I was out and set it for that. So I mentioned it to my friend and she goes.... stop working you're on vacation...

This irritated me so bad. To me it is same old same old... "supposed" friend... doesn't want to hear my complaints after I have listened to every bit of hers.

If she didn't want me to respond then what is she texting me on my vacation for? She just doesn't want to hear from me.

Done... first call I have with her after I am back I am mentioning that we have to stop talking. Covid is over. I took off my text notifications and trying to take off the call notifications.