I don't want to blame anyone right now, just fix my life around

I'll try to keep this brief. I've faced challenges in my life. When I was a child, until I was about 14 or 15, my father physically abused me—hitting, kicking, and slapping me over minor things, like buying the wrong item from the store, getting something too expensive, or not cleaning the house properly.

As I grew up, I developed anxiety, a stutter, and constant stress. I started skipping school and even faked my degree to avoid being scolded and beaten by my father. I was also bullied at school, which made me avoid it even more.

The physical abuse stopped around 14 or 15 after my mother called the police, leading to a police case.

I never finished college, I used to sometimes skip school. Now, at 32, I find myself still skipping work. I've had various jobs but have been fired for skipping work.

I'm married now, and my wife is in Pakistan. I need to bring her to Sweden, which isn't easy. I got a job in June but started skipping work again and was fired. I know I need to push through and struggle for my wife's sake, but my anxiety and stress always keep getting in the way.

My wife doesn't know, and I'm afraid she might leave me after waiting for four years in Pakistan.

Sometimes, I worry that people will think I'm just making excuses instead of trying to solve my problems and struggle. When I wake up for work, I feel like I'm going to vomit, my heart races, and I need to use the bathroom multiple times, likely due to stress.

I discussed this with my mother, but she doesn't seem to take it seriously. She just says that everyone lived in the same house.

She says we all experienced this because of your father. You have to endure it and keep trying.

I’ve been trying, but it’s been really difficult. Every time I go to work, I feel like my heart is going to leap out of my chest or that I’ll make a mistake. I also think I might be foolish or dumb because I don’t understand certain tasks, and I’m too afraid to ask for help because I might say something wrong or stutter.

I do not want to blame anyone right now, not even my father. I just want to get well and work so my wife can come to Sweden.

I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Thanks!

@markneat4717 welcome to MSF. I am sorry you experienced abuse, no one should have to endure that.

Your mother sounds like many people that try to sweep mental health issues under the rug. You might see what options there are for therapy for people that experienced abuse.

Hope you find the support you are looking for.

CANDC

[If you want me to see your reply to this post please include @CANDC in your message - not in requoting my message]