How do I deal with my boss in this situation??

I've been in my job for over a year. I work in digital marketing for a large global company in the apparel industry. I have 15 years of experience in my field of expertise.

At first, my boss and I got along fabulously. Everything was 100% positive in the first 3 months. I had been freelancing initially, and after just 3 months, they hired me on full time.

Very oddly, as soon as I was hired full time, my boss's boss, a female, told me in a meeting that I am "sharp". I think she meant that I can have a sharp tongue. I am very matter of fact , factual, and direct. in my communications, but I made sure to add lots of niceties in every email after that comment.

Also, very oddly, I've had to train my boss in my field of expertise over the last year. So our roles were kind of reversed. She is also 4 years younger than I am. We are both in our 50's.

Over time, I learned that my boss lies and talks out of both sides of her mouth. She will say one thing to me privately, and then on conference calls with 30 people, she will say the exact opposite. I've caught her giving loads of misinformation and outright lying on conference calls and in conversations. A couple of times, I've had to correct her, and even in front of other people on calls, because the misinformation could have been harmful to me professionally.

My boss was also bestest buddies with an incredibly arrogant and narcissistic 24-year old male junior colleague who used to challenge nearly everything I stated and implemented on the website. Now he's moved onto another internal role, but their close, buddy buddy relationship made me feel like my boss disliked me, after those 1st few months when everything was great. The two of them used to disappear to talk privately, excluding me, and I've always felt like they were complaining about me to each other.

Fast forward to today. My boss and I do not get along that great. We mainly talk strictly just business. I've had to stand up to her recently for micromanaging all of my written communications to higher ups. Nearly every communication I sent, she was emailing me privately to tell me what I should have said and should not have said. It became so bad that I had to confront it. I did this very respectfully and diplomatically over email (CYA).

I also am being reprimanded rather frequently. There are so many do's and don'ts in this company, and I was never properly onboarded when I first got hired, so I never know what the rules are.

The last reprimand came when I was referred via email to a VP who sits just beneath the Company CEO. It was purely innocent on my part. The VP had been cc'd on the email thread I was on, and I was told to contact her, so I did within the same email. That caused an uproar with my boss and her boss, and I got my wrist slapped. I didn't know. How was I supposed to know? They never told me that you're not supposed to contact higher ups like that, and in my past roles, higher ups were always accessible.

And now? Every day I go to work, I don't know what reprimand I will face next. I am doing my best work there, but I feel like I am walking through a field of unknown and unseen landmines.

I also am hoping to be promoted to a global role so I can get out from under my boss, but I don't know if that's even possible given my relationship with my boss.

I could be making assumptions about her feelings towards me, but I am also very perceptive and am picking up a tense and rather prickly vibe from her. I am sure it doesn't help that I am older than her and that I've had to train HER, vs the other way around.

The whole situation is JUST REALLY WEIRD, and I am not comfortable at all lately. I have made a couple of friends that I can confide in, but not many. I keep to myself and stay away from gossip and office chatter. I go to work, I keep my head down, and get the job done. That's what I am there to do. There's a lot of younger gossips there.

And, I've had trouble with direct managers in the past. This is not me being at all arrogant or full of myself, but I am smarter than the average person, I am highly ambitious and self-driven, and I am very successful in my work. Those directly managing me have frequently been inept, less intelligent than me, and not very successful, yet somehow they're in leadership roles.

So, I believe the rub boils down to envy from my direct managers, which is masking itself and coming out as hostility and/or retaliation. Sometimes I wish I was not that bright so I could get along better with managers above me who are less intelligent. But I can't help it. I am who I am, and I excel in my work.

So what do you do in this situation??

I DO try to make my boss feel good by giving her compliments when deserved. When she does coach me and is helpful to me, I am sure to say so and am openly thankful for her assistance. I include her in my thought processes and will ask her "so what do YOU think?", and I always am sure to validate and compliment her for good ideas. I also defer to her judgement and I make sure to let her know that I KNOW she is ultimately in charge.

Other than those things, I don't know how to make HER shine, when she doesn't know anything about my field of expertise and when I've had to train HER in all that I do?

Ultimately, I need and want a positive reference from her so that I can be promoted internally. BUT, right now, I fear that she is poisoning that possibility and is likely saying negative and snarky things about me and potentially to those above her who would make those decisions.

So what would YOU do? What should I do to ensure I get a good reference from her so that I can be promoted?

I think you're doing all the right things. The way you can make her shine, I think, is to shine yourself while keeping her in the loop

@SquarePegGuy, thanks so much for reading my post through and for offering your input and advice! Hugely appreciated. That's good advice, too, thanks!!

I wish you much success!

@SquarePegGuy, thank you soo much. You're very kind. I hugely appreciate your replies and support!

The struggle is an ongoing one with my boss.

I am constantly worried that I've written the wrong thing, said the wrong thing, or responded the wrong way, all because of how my boss treats me!!!! She frequently corrects me and coaches me on what to say and what not to say. Good grief! I am constantly walking on eggshells at work as a result, and I wake up worried about how the day will unfold, based on this alone!

Am I being abused again, and I don't even realize it?!?

I asked for candid feedback from a higher up on another team not too long ago on how I interact with her team since we work closely together.

She said that she hasn't heard anything negative. Yet, all I received from several members of her team was prickliness when I ran into them in our office a few weeks ago. I don't think the higher up Director of that team was honest with me. I am very perceptive, and I know I got a cold reception from those members of her team that day.

There's another colleague on that same team that I could approach for candid feedback on my communication skills. I will try that step next. I need to know what I am doing wrong and if I am rubbing people the wrong way.

This colleague DID tell me 2 months ago that I am shakings things up within the company, but in a good way that is only going to be beneficial.

One thing I DO know - people do NOT like change. And I am there, changing everything about how they market the company online. OYE. I have my work cut out for me...

My boss doesn't like me, I can tell. She doesn't look me in the eye when she's speaking to me. She avoids chit chatting with me about our lives, yet chatters away with the younger employees and schmoozes with them. She is sharp with me whenever she corrects me and she can be very snarky with me at times.

I don't know what to do about it.

I'm in a very difficult position at work. Like very difficult. I have to prove to the whole company that what I do is worth investing in, and I have to train my boss in what I do. It's a very unfair position to be in. And right now, I hate the challenge of it all.

My boss lacks class and says and does very inappropriate things. For example, one colleague told me that my boss frequently comments on our CEO's posts on LinkedIn, "I'm so proud of you!" WOW, she is SUCH a ki*ss as*s!!! The CEO is NOT her child or an employee she oversees. It's SO inappropriate to say things like that to our Company CEO! I was appalled when I learned this.

She's also VERY LOUD and makes her presence known.

She also raised her hand to volunteer to be placed elsewhere in the company, right in front of me making it clear that she doesn't like managing me.

What do I do? Is it Ok if your boss doesn't like you? Can you still be promoted and/or receive a good reference, even if they don't like you?

I think she could feel threatened by me... ? She has remained at the same career level for YEARS. She's been with the company for 20 years. I looked at her LinkedIn profile. She has not progressed too far in those 20 years, and I am succeeding with flying colors in my work and am very ambitious in my career. It's very possible she feels threatened and feels like I am outshining her.

OYE. I really don't know what to do?

Yes, I think you're boss feels threatened. If you can get recognition from the folks above your boss, you'll probably do okay.

Yeah, it's very possible she's threatened. I am getting recognized by those above my boss, so that's good at least. I'm in an awful position. That being said, we have a new female member on our small team. Maybe she can act as a buffer. Maybe I can befriend her and we can be buds. I hope so. I could use a friend on my team!

She barely could tell me happy birthday late yesterday after an exchange we had over Teams. Monday is my bday.

Yesterday, she and I had some back and forth messages on Teams about a report I am building for senior leadership. I was in disagreement with the direction her boss wanted me to take it in and I was expressing my disagreement to my boss. She thought I was getting too emotional because I wrote that I was getting frustrated by all the changes her boss wanted me to make. One line saying I'm frustrated indicates I am being too emotional? UGH.

I told her I had left comments for him in the powerpoint deck. She wanted me to connect with him by phone, but also said she would leave it up to me to handle. Even though she said that she would let me handle it, she kept urging me to get on a call with him. So, finally I did and he walked me through all the changes he wanted me to make. So I let her know that we connected by phone. I did what she wanted.

Then, I had signed off work early to make it on time to a bday dinner with mom and my sister. After I had already signed off of Teams, team members were wishing me a happy birthday, but I missed those messages until I signed back on this morning. My boss's own "happy birthday" message to me on Teams was clearly lacking enthusiasm and sincerity. She had written to a new team member, "thanks so much for your hard work this week and welcome aboard!! And yes, happy birthday MY NAME." No exclamation point after "happy birthday". Maybe I am reading into this too much, but no exclamation point after happy birthday? After welcoming a new team member and expressing that with multiple exclamation points?? I feel like I am an annoying gnat bug that bugs her.

I also feel I am in trouble with my boss for another reason. I had forwarded her and her boss an email asking if they wanted to reply instead to a higher up who was asking a question of me - I did not know how to answer exactly, so I forwarded it to my boss and her boss saying "does one of you want to reply to Tracy?" I don't know if that was the wrong thing to do and am now questioning myself. I was so busy and focused on the leadership report, and didn't know how to handle Tracy's question of me... so I just forwarded the email along instead.

SEE? Because my boss has berated me and nitpicked over every little detail like this, I worry too much now about every little detail I may be doing incorrectly and not according to the ways of the company culture!!!! It makes me bonkers!!!!

How do I stop worrying so much?????

I think I would be worrying about every little detail, too.

Are there times when you can make a quick phone call instead of sending an email? The advantage of a phone call is that your boss can respond and let it go, whereas with email, she can ruminate over it, pick it apart and find fault. As well, her voice might be a good indicator to what she's feeling. The disadvantage is that there's no "evidence" to save in case she changes her mind and says that she never said it.

I almost got on a call with her on Friday, but then I decided to work it out with her boss directly.

I do feel it's best to keep everything in writing - just in case I need to reference what she wrote in the future.

I tend to do that, too.

Yeah. I've learned to put everything in writing, even when I have to set limits and/or disagree respectfully. That way, things cannot come back to bite you later on.

I plan to address my boss's micromanagement of me today. I've had it. I've read online how to diplomatically and professionally address this issue with a boss. I wrote out what I plan on saying.

She typically does not get online and work until after 9 AM. I typically am online working between 7:30-8:30. Well, at 8 am this morning she was writing me a message on our instant messenger platform asking me details about an email I had just sent to the team. This question was unnecessary, had she read the whole of my email, number 1, and number 2, her question could have waited until she was actually officially working at 9 am. But no, she had to come bug me at 8 am instead. This is just one example of her micromanagement of me.

She also nitpicks my written communications to colleagues. I am 54 years old with over 30 years of business experience. I think I know how to write professional emails at this stage in my career. I put a stop to that not too long ago, addressing it directly with her, telling her that that level of oversight does not allow me to simply be myself and include in emails what I think is important and valuable information to share.

I am really getting sick of her and hope I get promoted soon so I don't have to continue working with her. She annoys me.

I got upset at work yesterday over a whole separate issue, separate from my issues with my boss. My input for larger website marketing campaigns is asked for, then I give all my recommendations, then the site team launches multiple pieces of work that in fact counter all my recommendations and which make my own work not work on the website. It's very counterproductive. I've had to make multiple fixes over the last month because I keep discovering work that is launched on the site that is interfering with the success of my recommendations that are also implemented on the site.

Well, yesterday I basically blew a fuse and got mad because once again, I discovered yet another problem that needed to be corrected. I attempted to work with the person in charge of approving my updates, she began to resist what I wanted (even though she had asked for my input), so I became upset and approached several other people, including my boss and my boss's boss and involved them.

I got on a call late in the afternoon with my boss's boss about this. And I went off about it. I was that upset. Why implement ANY of my recommendations on the site if they're just going to implement other work that interferes with my own work????

My boss had to tell me to STOP messaging on our instant messenger platform.

So, now I am very worried I am in trouble at work - with the woman I was essentially arguing with, and with my boss.

UGHHHHHHHHHHH.

From what you have said, your reactions are understandable. I think most people would have the same response as you. I've been in this situation at work, and your posts have really resonated with me.

You clearly care about what you do, and you are trying to operate in a professional manner. The problem is, in any work environment you are more than likely going to have a lot of people who are running to their own tune, their own agenda.

I've worked for really great and really bad bosses, and I've come to the conclusion that if you think you have a bad boss, and you've sat and looked at things objectively, then you have a decision to make: either move on, or if the jobs market isn't good, and/or you're tied to a location, then for your own sanity you have to detach from the situation and roll with what they are doing. This can be really tough though. I've been in situations where I have had to do this and it is soul destroying. It's especially worse if what they are doing is stopping you from actually doing your work.

In these situations, from experience, challenging this type of boss by going over their head usually ends in tears all around. I've rarely had a happy outcome. I know that's probably not what you want to hear, and other people will have a different viewpoint and different experiences.

Ultimately though, you are the best judge of what to do, because you're the one in the situation. Have faith in yourself, and in your assessment of the situation. Think about the options, and decide what is the best way forward for you. That said, don't turn yourself inside out while doing this. Don't over-analyse. Quite often there's no right or wrong way - there's just a way that you choose and have to plough through.

I have spent more time chewing myself up over my work and career, and now I look back (I decided to retire early in January of this year), I realise the only person I was damaging was myself. Often, whichever path I could have chosen, the outcome would have been painful either way.

It sounds like you work in Information Technology - I did too - so you have very marketable skills. Irrespective of what you do, if you haven't done already, have a look at the market place, see what's available and keep yourself informed and ready.

@NovaBlaze, thanks so much for your input!

My boss came down on me for it yesterday - telling me about how the company culture works and is a collaborative one, as though I I haven't been working there for nearly a year and a half!

I got fed up - this was yet another instance of my boss coming down on me over a mistake. I told her yesterday morning that I had had a bad day the day before and apologized.

She didn't want to hear it - she only wanted to light into me and told me that a workstream isn't working well as it stands now, when just two days before, she was saying to me how well things were working, right in front of her boss.

She had spoken with the woman who has to approve my website changes for 40 minutes, and that woman must have told her it's NOT working well.

Well, I got fed up and brought the issue to my boss's boss. I used the word "bullying" and told him that my boss frequently comes down on me hard and basically "bullies" me. I also told him that she micromanages me. I scheduled a meeting with him for Monday to talk to him about it. I even told him I will take the matter to Human Resources, if need be.

I don't know what I am doing - but I took action. I couldn't take it anymore. Her coming down on me the way she did yesterday - as though all the systemic problems are all MY fault and MY doing - well, I couldn't take anymore. I am simply trying to do my job and do it well.

If the woman who approves my recommendations is overwhelmed with too many website requests, then we need a better system in place.

But does that mean my boss needed to give me a lecture on how the company culture works? Just recently she was singing my praises on how I had collaborated so well with our copywriter and our external agency partner on a project. And now I am receiving a lecture on team collaboration??

The woman who approves my work has been implementing on the website multiple things that are UNDOING my work on the site. I HAD to get them corrected in order for my work to be a success. Why implement anything I suggest, if that work is only going to be completely undone? That's seriously counterproductive.

I told my boss this yesterday - but she didn't want to hear it. She wanted instead to give me a lecture about the company culture being a collaborative one, and how my work is not always a priority within other teams.

She wasn't being supportive of me needing to get my work fixed so that it would succeed - she was being supportive of the woman in charge of approving my works who is overwhelmed by the volume of requests I am sending to her to approve.

Is that my fault? I am immersed in our holiday website campaigns, and I had to fix the problems occurring there. Then, I am coordinating work that is coming at me from two different external agencies - also to be approved and implemented on the website. Well, there is pressure for me to get ALL that work done THIS quarter and not in the new year. Those are the expectations that were set upon me, and that's not my fault.

But my boss came down on me for all of it. At least that's how it came across to me. She likes to blame me when other people's feathers get ruffled, and that seems to be her M.O.

Do I go through with this meeting with my boss's boss? I would have to likely give him examples of bullying behavior.

I think, given what you have said, you are committed to following this through. All I would say is make sure you have written down what you want to say, and have clear factual examples of the issues you are raising. Stick to the facts, don’t make it personal, keep calm in the meeting, and see what happens.

You’ve thought it through, and made a clear, sound choice. Try not to overthink it now, or to worry excessively. I hope you get on ok.

Thanks @NovaBlaze. I have 4 days to determine what I want to communicate about my boss's behavior to her boss. I tried to find old messages so that I had proof of her micromanagement of me in addition to her harsh tone with me. I could only find one email example of her micromangement of me.

I may end up telling him that her management style doesn't mesh well with my working style. That is a neutral way of putting it. And I may back down from bringing the issue further to HR since I cannot any past written evidence of my claim of bullying even though it's there in our message history somewhere.

I don't want this to backfire on me - I do have to think about it more.. I know it will be prevalent on my mind for the next 4 days leading up to this meeting with her boss. I cannot help it. When you make a claim that your boss is bullying you and that you may want to submit a formal complaint to HR, it can send off alarm bells. I am conflicted over what to say and/or if I should back down some from my stance and just make a more general statement about how her style doesn't mesh well with mine. I don't know.

Oh bless you, you are caught in a tricky situation. I really do feel for you.

As you say, you have a few days to reflect, and I would do that. Look at things calmly and professionally - can you present factual evidence of the things that you are unhappy with, e.g. the micro-management. If you can, and you feel confident to deal with it, then go ahead and meet your boss's boss. If not, then you can look at how best to step back a bit from the heat of the situation.

In all fairness, I don't think there's a right or wrong way here - it's a difficult situation with a painful outcome either way, so please don't beat yourself up over this.

Have faith and confidence in yourself. You're clearly very experienced, so take that into account and use that experience to your benefit.

I hope you get on OK. I wish I could offer you more definitive advice, but having been in this situation myself, I know that quite often there's no easy path through. As I said before, with your skills, if you are unhappy, start and look at the wider jobs market.

@NovaBlaze, thank you again... unfortunately, I am just not ready to be looking for jobs again. I spent years doing that; trying to find the right job. I feel I am in a good place at work except for my boss.

I feel perhaps i did act a little bit out of line the other day at work. But I did apologize to all those involved. I was upset, and I was acting out my upset.

I think with this meeting on Monday I will back down from taking any issues to HR, and I will tell him that. I want to try and resolve the issues, or troubleshoot the issues, with my boss's boss. I know going to HR usually places a target on your back. Coincidentally, I just saw a post on LinkedIn about just that - that HR is not on your side and is there to protect the company, not the employees.

I will simply just be more neutral and will see what he has to offer for solutions. I will ask him not to speak with my boss about my issues with her. He may still do that. but I want to ask him not to. I think I will approach this with the attitude of: how do I do my job well when my boss is telling me basically to NOT do my job?

The whole issue had blown up the other day because I was asked for my input by the woman who approves my work to be launched on the website. I gave her my input and wanted to make a couple of minor changes to some text. She deferred to our copywriter, who then said the directive came from someone else. So I wanted to check with that person, and that's where and how the conversation spun out of control and people got upset. The woman who approves my work had asked for my input, then didn't want to implement what I was suggesting. So why ask for my input then in the first place? Then it turns out she is actually totally overwhelmed by the volume of requests I have been sending her for approval on the website.

And my boss came down hard on ME for all of it, giving me a lecture about the company culture being a collaborative one where strong relationships are a part of the cultural fabric and foundation. Well, I didn't need a lecture, and I was simply trying to fix something that would have undone my own work on the website!

I told my boss this too, afterwards. I told her, this is highly unproductive for me to do work for the website, only for that work to be completely undone by another team's desires for what should go on the website. And it is! It's insanity.. what's the point of my even being there then, if my work is first implemented, and then undone?

Even after I had tried to apologize to my boss about it, about the messaging "swirl" that had ensued as a result, she STILL came down hard on me, and I am sick of this kind of treatment.

I need to at least make her boss aware of what is going on - and maybe that will be my primary goal: awareness. And then hopefully, he will have some ideas for me as to how to handle my boss. That will be my other goal: figure out how I deal with a boss who likes to berate me and micromanage me.

I think you’ll work through this ok.

I recall a manager who micromanaged me to the nth degree. Everything I did I got questioned at great length. It used to drive me insane, as it made feel like my manager had no faith in me. However, over time I realised I just had to accept it (like you, I didn’t want to move on to another job at that stage, as I was worried my poor mental health would let me down). So I just relaxed and let it wash over me and answered the questions every time. I used to vent to a fellow colleague occasionally, which helped.

The funny thing was, the manager in question left for another job after about two years, and when they left they went to great lengths to tell me how much they were going to miss working with me, and what a pleasure it had been, and told me how much I’d made their working life so much better. I was utterly shocked. I’d assumed, wrongly, that the micromanagement was a lack of trust in me, but it wasn’t. I think it’s just the way some people are built - they need to know everything. I’m not saying that’s the case with your situation, but you just never truly know what’s going on in someone else’s head.

As an aside, some of the best working relationships I’ve had have stemmed from some really bad starts to that relationship. Sometimes it takes a while to gel with people. Often, when I’ve spent time trying to work out what’s going on in their world, or what they’re trying to achieve, I’ve been able to smooth out the bumps in the road.

Wishing you a happy and peaceful weekend. I hope you can find time to take your mind away from your work issue.

Re micromanaging: I've been essentially a freelancer for most of my working life. The one (apparent) exception was when a small business made me an employee -- to keep doing exactly the same job that I'd done for them before. It was a small enough business that I was practically that whole department by myself, so there was no one to micromanage me.

My strategy for dealing with clients who do want to micromanage me, is to let them. Sometimes, when they're sufficiently involved in the project and know what they're doing, I find I can do a better job with their input. The rest of the time, instead of asking them to bug off I hand some decisions over to them:

"We have a choice. How high above the door should your new light fixture go?"

"We could leave the screw heads showing so they'll be easily accessible next time, or we could spackle and paint over them so they won't show in the meantime."

"I could get that unit working for around $100 -- or would you rather order a new motor for $200?"

If they don't really know what they're doing and were only hoping to show that I didn't either, it doesn't usually take them very long to think of other ways they'd rather be spending their time.

Well, you're probably smart enough to be president too. The hard part would seem to be getting 80 million or so people to agree that you were the one they wanted for the job.

No doubt you've come up with some great ways to improve your company's online presence. If a lot of other people have come up with their own great (or maybe not so great) ways too, over the years, the hard part might be getting enough people to agree that your ways really would work better. It sounds entirely possible that if you were to start inserting your procedures (however great) into a system that someone else was responsible for maintaining, their first impression would be that you were trying to undermine them and sabotage their work.

Could your boss be concerned that you might be smart in some ways that might not work so well, for the company and/or for her personally? What if (she might be thinking) you turned out to be some kind of expert at, say, getting your bosses in trouble? She probably wouldn't feel very reassured by your pointing out to her that you were smarter than she and/or that she didn't know what she was doing.

If your boss is responsible for managing you, what might be some ways for her to make it clear to you what she did and didn't want you doing, that you wouldn't resent as micromanaging? If her ideas of what you should be doing are different from yours, does she still get to be your boss? Would you even want to be her boss instead, and have it be your job to get her to do things your way?