Quote:
Originally Posted by chaotic13
I think this a lot. However, now...IDK. I still feel like I was responsible, and need to be in control of all that I do and allow other to do when relating to me. But I don't feel truly, inherently evil anymore. Now I guess I'm considering that maybe those things that I kind of want to do but avoid because ... they gave me the evil label or made me feel evil..or led to loss of control as a child may not be so evil and uncontrolable as an adult. I'm now questioning, "why do I need to punish myself?"
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I also feel responsible for the abuse, even though my therapist has told me otherwise, even though if it were to have happened to one of my daughters I would never blame them. On the contrary, someone would have to hold me back if I caught anyone doing the same to my daughters.
I'm at such a weird place in the healing journey. There is a war between the part of me that wants to heal and be free from these chains and then there is a strong part of me that wants to continue to abuse and punish myself. Some days the abuser/punisher wins and some days the healer wins. And some days I'm too tired to care, lol.
Have you found an answer to why you need to punish yourself? Has it helped you to consider this?