Childhood SA, self punishment, change possible?

Hi~

I'm in therapy and childhood SA is one of the issues that I'm trying to deal with. I have isolated myself so much over the years that I don't know how to be social anymore. My t is convinced that I wont stop hiding in my house until the SA is dealt with. He thinks I have ptsd among other things.

In our last session, I brought up that I find it impossible to forgive myself for the abuse and that I feel as if I should punish myself, even after all these years. He said, "that isn't very effective" -- I'm in DBT -- and I said, "I don't know about that, maybe punishing myself has actually been very effective."

T didn't like that comment too much. He wants me to spend some time with this thought as fodder for next weeks session.

I think I know intellectually where he'll go with this, that self punishment is inherently a bad thing and does no one any good...he'll do battle with my cognitive distortions and all of that....

But I really do feel that by punishing myself I've kept myself safe. I know that I'm not supposed to feel this way. I know that it is the right time for this to come out by the dreams I'm having. I'm getting too old to carry this any longer...

I must say that I'm also scared out of my mind to confront this issue, and the fear is manifesting itself by me turning into a frightened, child-like ball of emotions in session. Words even leave me, it's like my cognitive function just leaves the building. Embarrassing. So my t just has me sit with the emotion and describe if I can, what is happening. He is taking it slowly and gently.

I don't know why I'm saying all of this. Sometimes I think that I'm too old now and that I should either be over it, or that I'm too old to change. But I can't live like this any longer.

For whatever it is worth, I am 53 and have only been working on my issues for the last hmmmm 8 years.... I am pretty slow cos I had a lot more issues then just csa. I think that as long as you are alive it is not too late. My mother went into therapy in her 60's and it did a lot of good for her.

It seems that your therapist has a good instinct for the work that has to be done. Trust the process and your therapist and yourself. You can do it.

Thank you so much for your reply. I've been in therapy off and on for a number of years, too. I haven't really delved into the csa.

My therapist has been gently forging on, I trust him with my pain. I'm not sure that I trust ME with it.

J

When you talk of self punishment, are you referring to self harm, or such punishment like NOT going out and doing anything that might be enjoyed, or denying yourself ice cream because you don't deserve it, or not buying a new outfit because you aren't worthy... etc?

In what ways would you say that this "self punishment" -in your definition of it - has helped you over the years?

I think this a lot. However, now...IDK. I still feel like I was responsible, and need to be in control of all that I do and allow other to do when relating to me. But I don't feel truly, inherently evil anymore. Now I guess I'm considering that maybe those things that I kind of want to do but avoid because ... they gave me the evil label or made me feel evil..or led to loss of control as a child may not be so evil and uncontrolable as an adult. I'm now questioning, "why do I need to punish myself?"

When I talk of self punishment, I am referring to very negative self talk, not forgiving myself for the abuse, and probably the very isolated life that I've lived for too long. I am very uncomfortable with having or doing nice things for myself because I feel unworthy. I also engage in other ways to punish myself, but those ways pale in comparison to what I do to myself emotionally.

In truth, using rational mind, this self punishment has not helped me over the years, except that the abuse has not repeated itself due to my isolation. I keep myself safe by isolating. The isolation has become a prison in its own right, one that's been almost impossible to leave.

Emotion mind is so strong, it's hard to refute what it says and it beats me down so much when I try to break free from all of this. This is so hard.

Thanks for your response!

I also feel responsible for the abuse, even though my therapist has told me otherwise, even though if it were to have happened to one of my daughters I would never blame them. On the contrary, someone would have to hold me back if I caught anyone doing the same to my daughters.

I'm at such a weird place in the healing journey. There is a war between the part of me that wants to heal and be free from these chains and then there is a strong part of me that wants to continue to abuse and punish myself. Some days the abuser/punisher wins and some days the healer wins. And some days I'm too tired to care, lol.

Have you found an answer to why you need to punish yourself? Has it helped you to consider this?

Hi Arach, I have heard it explained that most people blame themselves for the abuse because it gives them a sense of control. They will be safer now if they were responsible for the abuse back then. To give up this belief means that you have to admit that you had no control over it. Children are at the mercy of the adults around them. You are no longer a child now so you are no longer at the mercy of others so you do have control over your life that you didn't have as a child.