"I just feel really stupid right now. I am angry with T, dissatisfied. This is a familiar thing for me, to be dissatisfied, angry, negative.. but it's like a diversion itself. I know what I don't want but I don't know what I want.
duh, huh?"

I'd guess you would rather be Happy, satisfied and positive?

We all feel stupid sometimes I think, I know I sure do. So maybe what you want to feel is "smart" sometimes too. I took classes I thought would either help me or that I just thought I'd enjoy. It helped me feel less "stupid"...gave me more confidence at work.

One time when my husband was really negative about life I asked him to try not being so negative. His response was something about

"Sure, I can be positive, right now I'm positive I'm pissedlol

I can't answer for you what you want, but maybe it is to feel happy? You deserve to be a happy person.

I used to complain a lot in my sessions, then one day, as I was in the middle of my *****ing, my T yawned. It hit me like a bolt of lighting. I was boring him. I complained about not having a life a lot, and about how bored I was....blah, blah, blah....That yawn of his woke me up. (I think it was a bit of acting-on his part, "therapy" if you will for me...)

But after that, I decided to "get a life". I started to work on ME. Sure, I still have issues with my mental health - it does come back to "get me" sometimes, but I'm doing the best I can at the moment.

Good luck with your T, I know sooner or later YOU will figure out what it is you want. Just look into your heart.