I know this is extremely stupid, but..

...how do you figure out what you want from T?

I have been with T for 2 years but I don't really know what I want in a way that I could say "This is what I want: "

I just feel really stupid right now. I am angry with T, dissatisfied. This is a familiar thing for me, to be dissatisfied, angry, negative.. but it's like a diversion itself. I know what I don't want but I don't know what I want.
duh, huh?

I don't think it's stupid at all. I probably couldn't answer "What do I want from my T?" or "What do I want from therapy?" very completely either. I don't feel like I have to, because I do feel like it's important, challenging, and helping me grow, even if I can't yet define it exactly.

But I agree, trying to answer those questions can be growth-promoting, too. When I've felt frustrated with my T before, sometimes I do then ask, what do I really want from her anyway?, because the feelings seem so strong and out of context.

And that is important to work because it suggests the needs are coming from me, and are not entirely about the present relationship. Where did they come from? Why am I feeling them now? For me, recently, this has been helpful to do. Last time I was in that angry, defensive, you're not there for me mood, she kind of called me on it. And as terrible as it felt, the end result is that I realized the feelings were coming from me, from a long time ago, and were not really about her specifically. I realized she is just a regular person, who tries really hard to help me, but that she is never going to be able to meet all of those needs. It's sad that they weren't met, and I wish they had been, but I don't know, it's been almost freeing and it's made me less demanding of her and more appreciative of what she is. She tries really hard and has done tons of considerate things for me, and so right now, I feel OK about all of that. I don't know.

Sorry if this is rambling and not helpful...I'm sort of working through all of these thoughts myself. I just wanted to say that I've felt really frustrated wtih my T before, and not been able to understand what I was really looking for from her either. It is hard and I'm sorry that you're feeling that right now.

Hi Echoes,

I don't try anymore to figure out what I want from T in general Instead I try to figure out what I want from each session. The operative word here is try. It just seems that the dynamic nature of therapy would require that the need changes from session to session. In addition, as we change, grow, and heal our needs will change as well. Maybe you are in one of those places where you are a bit more grown up and your goals, hopes, and dreams are changing. It's like saying "what do I want from a parent?" The only appropriate answers are the overarching ones such as love and understanding and validation, because we are all individuals and the specifics will always change, from time to time and person to person.

Having said all of that I think it's a good idea to discuss this from time to time with T to make sure you are both speaking the same language. It's such a seesaw isn't it? Just the other day T asked me what I needed from the session and I panicked, so in that moment I became very little again. Two steps forward, one step back.

xo

I think you journal don't you Echoes? That helped me a lot. I think I finally got it when I concentrated on what I wanted, period, rather than necessarily what I wanted from T. I let her do her own thing, follow/run along beside/behind/in front of me, whatever she could manage, LOL, while I tried to chase whatever I was working on for myself. That seemed to work out.

Initially I had trouble relating to her so worked on that, worked on talking/listening to her when it was difficult/impossible. For a very long time (4-5 years) I was mostly "reporting" to her about things that had happened in me/thoughts and feelings, between sessions but then I decided to do a month or two trial of not writing her letters between sessions, only talking to her for the time of the session, working hard to recognize that that was the only time I truly had "her" and got out of my head and into one-on-one with her.

Before I could relate to her though I use to rehash my sessions in my head and found that I "flagged" places that were difficult (to think about later) or where something happened that I couldn't deal with at the time, etc. and I truly would work with those things on my own between sessions and learn new stuff (which I would then make myself tell her). So you might try to set up some sort of flagging system for yourself, things that you don't deal with at the time, getting so you can "see" them later? I went from there to recognizing/dealing with them when they actually came up, long slow process but uttimately what I wanted, to live my life while I was living it, same time period? :-)

Sometimes my T has me restate negative statements I make in a positive way. It's really just a grammatical exercise, but sometimes stating things positively can really change the "tone" behind the meaning, and that can be very powerful.

So for example, if I said "I don't want my therapy to be superficial," I would restate that in a positive way: "I want my therapy to be deep and meaningful."

Or, instead of, "I don't want my therapy to end," say, "I want my therapy to continue."

Or, instead of, "I don't want my T to think I am needy," say, "I want my T to see me as strong and capable."

I guess it just means that when we know what we don't want, we actually really do know quite a bit about what we want.

((((ECHOES))))

At this point I have onle been able to give voice to what I do want from experiencing what I don't want.

Everyone else has given very good suggestions. I like Sunrise's way of doing the positive rephrase. A nice perspective.

I'm struggling with the same question, and I've been in therapy for 4 1/2 years, this time.... It is frustrating not knowing what you want. I'm trying to tell T that I need more structure, and afraid she will want me to bring my own, and then she will reject it because I don't do it right, or because it isn't what she wants to use.

"I just feel really stupid right now. I am angry with T, dissatisfied. This is a familiar thing for me, to be dissatisfied, angry, negative.. but it's like a diversion itself. I know what I don't want but I don't know what I want.
duh, huh?"

I'd guess you would rather be Happy, satisfied and positive?

We all feel stupid sometimes I think, I know I sure do. So maybe what you want to feel is "smart" sometimes too. I took classes I thought would either help me or that I just thought I'd enjoy. It helped me feel less "stupid"...gave me more confidence at work.

One time when my husband was really negative about life I asked him to try not being so negative. His response was something about

"Sure, I can be positive, right now I'm positive I'm pissedlol

I can't answer for you what you want, but maybe it is to feel happy? You deserve to be a happy person.

I used to complain a lot in my sessions, then one day, as I was in the middle of my *****ing, my T yawned. It hit me like a bolt of lighting. I was boring him. I complained about not having a life a lot, and about how bored I was....blah, blah, blah....That yawn of his woke me up. (I think it was a bit of acting-on his part, "therapy" if you will for me...)

But after that, I decided to "get a life". I started to work on ME. Sure, I still have issues with my mental health - it does come back to "get me" sometimes, but I'm doing the best I can at the moment.

Good luck with your T, I know sooner or later YOU will figure out what it is you want. Just look into your heart.

That is not a stupid question at all.....

As a matter of fact, I have found that sometimes what we think is so confusing and that no one can relate to - it's the total opposite and so many others are going through the same thing.

I am struggling with this same question....although I think I have an idea of what I want from T.