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Originally Posted by Poohbear13
I also have been having lots of SI thoughts. They have been more dominent the last couple of hours but I am not acting on them. My T wants me to share them with another part, monster, so that he can feel what it is like to feel this way. I guess he things that monster is giving me the thoughts. I am not quite sure.
Also on Tuesday my T "found" another part. This one is also mean like monster.
I am so overwhelmed right now I am not sure what to do.
I have another appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning but I am not sure how it is going to go. I am not sure where to start and what my T will do. I am scared that she will tell me to go to the hospital again. I had been doing so well but this last week as been really tough.
I don't want to feel the feelings, especially if I am going to be this way after doing it. I am really scared that my abuser is going to come and find me and even kill me for talking and telling about what happened. How do I get rid of this fear?
If anyone has been through an experience like this please let me know. I am not sure how to get through this right now.
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I am sorry that you feel so overwhelmed right now. My T and I are just working on self esteam. Not really doing much with feelings and I am glad. Dont know what that can of worms holds. I understand your fear of going to the hospital. Most of me does not like the hospital but there is a very small part that actually feels a little comfort when I think back to my time in the hospital. Not really sure what that is about either.
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I am really scared that my abuser is going to come and find me and even kill me for talking and telling about what happened. How do I get rid of this fear?
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This part of your post really struck me. My AA sponser went through this. She worked hard on this feeling. She would get panic attacks and it took a while to figure out that this was her fear. She was afraid her abuser would come to get her. She slept with the lights on and sometimes would sit with her back to a wall and holding a knife to protect her. When she figured out what she was afraid of she was able to take action. But it took alot of healing time for her to get this strong. But she started facing her fear. On night while she was in bed she got that feeling that he was in the closet. Her inside kids were real scared that he was in the closet. She knew there was no way he could be there but the fear was there anyway. So she got up (the lights were already on) and went to the closet. She opened the door and turned on the light. No one was there. She told her inside kids that she was big now and would not let him hurt them anymore. She showed them the closet and said he could never hide there again. She then talked to her inside kids and told them that she would protect them and not let anything bad happen to them ever again. They got quiet and she closed the closet and turned out the lights and was able to sleep for the first time in a long time.
I dont know if this would work for you or not but really helped her. She has even writen a book about her recovery from abuse. I have tried to read it but cant. I always lose time and SI. the book trigers me too much. I am not sure why but it does. Anyway I hope this helps you. There is hope. The fear can be overcome it just takes time. Doesn't everything.
Diana
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