Having a really difficult time

Need to express how I am feeling and what has been going on in T.

On tuesday I saw both my T and we worked on feeling some of the feelings. This was/is really hard for me to do. I couldn't even cry (but feel that I need to). But now the feelings won't go away and my littles are crying so much. One T tells me to put an image of him and my other T with the littles so they can feel comforted. I have done that and they still continue to cry. The crying seems to get louder during the day when I am working and at night when I am trying to sleep.

I also have been having lots of SI thoughts. They have been more dominent the last couple of hours but I am not acting on them. My T wants me to share them with another part, monster, so that he can feel what it is like to feel this way. I guess he things that monster is giving me the thoughts. I am not quite sure.

Also on Tuesday my T "found" another part. This one is also mean like monster.

I am so overwhelmed right now I am not sure what to do.
I have another appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning but I am not sure how it is going to go. I am not sure where to start and what my T will do. I am scared that she will tell me to go to the hospital again. I had been doing so well but this last week as been really tough.

I don't want to feel the feelings, especially if I am going to be this way after doing it. I am really scared that my abuser is going to come and find me and even kill me for talking and telling about what happened. How do I get rid of this fear?

If anyone has been through an experience like this please let me know. I am not sure how to get through this right now.

Thanks for listening.............

I am sorry that you feel so overwhelmed right now. My T and I are just working on self esteam. Not really doing much with feelings and I am glad. Dont know what that can of worms holds. I understand your fear of going to the hospital. Most of me does not like the hospital but there is a very small part that actually feels a little comfort when I think back to my time in the hospital. Not really sure what that is about either.

This part of your post really struck me. My AA sponser went through this. She worked hard on this feeling. She would get panic attacks and it took a while to figure out that this was her fear. She was afraid her abuser would come to get her. She slept with the lights on and sometimes would sit with her back to a wall and holding a knife to protect her. When she figured out what she was afraid of she was able to take action. But it took alot of healing time for her to get this strong. But she started facing her fear. On night while she was in bed she got that feeling that he was in the closet. Her inside kids were real scared that he was in the closet. She knew there was no way he could be there but the fear was there anyway. So she got up (the lights were already on) and went to the closet. She opened the door and turned on the light. No one was there. She told her inside kids that she was big now and would not let him hurt them anymore. She showed them the closet and said he could never hide there again. She then talked to her inside kids and told them that she would protect them and not let anything bad happen to them ever again. They got quiet and she closed the closet and turned out the lights and was able to sleep for the first time in a long time.

I dont know if this would work for you or not but really helped her. She has even writen a book about her recovery from abuse. I have tried to read it but cant. I always lose time and SI. the book trigers me too much. I am not sure why but it does. Anyway I hope this helps you. There is hope. The fear can be overcome it just takes time. Doesn't everything.

Diana

YOu may want to tell your Ts that perhaps it is moving too fast with the feelings. Are Ts also working on grounding and reframing your thoughts and other coping skills??
This is something we have to revisit often with T.
We take a break from the "talking" and get into some practical applications.

i second the talk w/T about grounding and also am thinking of the dynamics of this. i don't want to overstep...i'm unable to come up with a good way to say this so i'll just say it (sorry just very insecure atm)...it would make sense to me to tell your parts they can sit with other T if that's in the moment of working through something with your other T or during a time when you absolutely needed to be present. But i'm not sure sending them to someone else necessarily sends the best long term message.

Please just take or leave what i have to say here because we all have to arrive at our own way of dealing with our facets, parts, alters, selves. For me, just me (sorry insecurity), i would think i should comfort my parts. i should tell them i care, i understand, get information, give information. i think i/we were told our feelings were unimportant. We were shown that it didn't matter how much we were hurt. i wouldn't want to perpetuate that with myself my self or myselves.

Anyway, i'm sorry for the long way it took for me to say what i wanted to say. Hope it makes sense and doesn't offend. i care for you and me, us and we.

I am trying to comfort the littles but nothing seems to help them stop crying right now....

We went to T again today and it was really rough. She talked with some of my parts and talked with a new one. It really drained me and put extreme terror in my system. I had to sit in my car for quite a while until I was able to drive. The terror is still there but not quite a strong.....

I am not sure what to do to comfort my chaotic system. I have tried going for a walk and just sitting with them (just made me feel worse and I think the littles were even more scared)......

This new part says he is there to control me. To make me act and look normal and pretend that nothing is wrong. He is angry that I am not following his "orders" and doesn't care if he and/or I die. He says there is nothing more to life if he can't control me anymore. He hates my Ts and doesn't want to talk to either of them. I don't even know his name. He talked with one of my T today but didn't stick around very long.....

My Ts tell me that I am doing a great job of containing everybody, given all that has gone on. I told them in an email today that containment is better but is also getting more difficult.....

I feel completely out of control right now. I don't know what to do to contain these feelings of terror and also try to comfort the littles.

Thanks for telling me this story. I do sleep with the lights on and I keep my closet door open at all times. I have told my littles many times that we are safe and nobody can hurt us but I guess it is difficult for them because there is still a part of me that doesn't believe it.....

I am not sure what else to do to reassure my littles right now. I do have another part standing outside their rooms and standing guard so no one can hurt them but they continue to cry, just a little less loud.

Thanks for your response and for sharing.......

(((((((((((((((((Poohbear)))))))))))))))))))))))

*****Possible triggers******

I have been dissociating A LOT since I got back from a T appointment on thursday. The session was really rough. during one episode of dissociation one of my parts found a sharp object and carved the words "Bad Girl" into my leg. I can't seem to find the thing they used and can't figure out what they used because I intentionally don't keep sharp things in my apartment for this reason. I have searched the apartment and I can't find what ever they used. I am constantly reminded that I don't have things under control right now. I am really scared. I have another part that is watching over my littles, along with an image of my Ts.

I don't know who did this to me and I can't seem to figure it out. My T emailed me and explained to me that I am doing a great job at containment. I told her that I am not containing anyone. She explained to me that containment is more then just controlling your parts. It is also learning to deal with the emotions. She constantly tells me I am doing a great job but I don't feel like I am. I feel like they are winning and I am slowly lossing it.

What do I do now that I don't have control over whatever part is hurting me during my dissociation?

u may never know what wuz used ta do that, but the important thing ta realize is that u do have someone tendin the littles, u do know where ta go for help, an u do know that u can always come here an get feedback...bein in control is more than just controllin the actions of one or two that seem bent on hurting the others, it is truly protectin those inside from bein hurt themselves...sounds like u r doin that...it could b much more chaotic if you had no control over some aspects of ur life...do u mind if we sit with u an just b here for u while u struggle ta find some answers? i know it doesnt seem like a lot, but sometimes its enough for at least a lil while...

abbi of jewels

poohbear13,

we used to be vere mad at sum of owr parts. the ones who were angry, si or who wanted us to die. they scard us an we did not lik them.

owr T helpd us to unnerstan that ALL of owr alts were doing the part they were made to do. even if it seemed bad to us, they wer stil tryin to help us the only way they new to do it. SOOO, we began to lern to lik an presheate alla them an acsept alla them. the mor we did this, the mor we stoppd hatin them an things got sum kwietr inside of us. dis made a big diffrens to us. now we choos to lik alla owr alts. day all mattr an when owr T helps us we sumtims find new jobs for alts to do that don hurt/friten owr others inside, other times we find new safer plases for dem to go an stay for now. owr T don let us be meen to each othr an call nams or hurt eneone. it made fings much bettr insid of here. maybe u can do dis sumday too. we care abowt alla u diffren peepls inside.

leli pixie

ps we hope you can understand our little one's way of writing. they don't let us older ones spell things for them. they want to tell it their own way. if you have any questions please feel free to pm us and we will explain it again in regular speaking. learning to love and accept all of our alts has made a really big change inside - there is less acting out and fighting.

leah (the un-pixie)

Sometimes when you make progress, you're the last one to see that.

I've found that to hold true in so many different types of situation. I think now you should trust that your T is seeing progress, and that there IS progress even if you can't see it yet. I also think you could keep going in the general direction you're going and keep trying cuz eventually it will be worth it.

Not that it's easy going on and on without seeing the reward/progress... but you can make it, and it's worth it to get better.

Many hugs to you

I am not sure what to say and I don't want to say the wrong thing. I really hope your T realizes how out of control you feel and can respect those feelings. On the other hand, things always seem especially bad when they are beginning to get better. (Does that even make sense?)
If you are hurting too badly, please make your T hear you, but don't necessarily believe this is a horrible thing. We are here.