Thank you, beads.

I know that I would not accept any other child being treated in the way that I was treated, I would NEVER, EVER treat my own child like that, not in a million years! No matter what my child did.

I just had to briefly talk about my experiences with life and where I want to go in the near furture, what I want to do with my life. I got quite scared, because I had to talk a little about my past and why I ended up in this place, but it was okay. They were all lovely about it. It was tough, I couldn't stop thinking about last night and how I'd cried my heart out. They want to interview me about my experiences, how I ended up here and all taht sort of stuff. I'm so scared that I'll get upset again. It's only little kids interviewing me, but comic relief want to interview me to add my life story into some of their promo work, like how comic relief have helped to raise money for people like me living in these sorts of places.

The two main people from comic relief, both came to me and said "Kirsten... You're such an inspiration to these people. You seem so persuasive and compassionate and like you just want to help everybody else, pass your skills onto other people. You're so articulate with what you say and you seem so passionate about everything that you say and just the way you talk about things is so powerful and it really hits home". Wow. I've never had anyone that hardly knows me, who's heard a little bit about me, IRL, say something like that to me. I almost cried. I felt so welcomed by those two people who hardly know me, I felt so... Well. Like I am a good person, like I do deserve good things to happen to me...

But then those voices in my head came back and told me that no, they're lying, they just want to reel me in so they can use me to get lots of money for the job They seemed so kind and so caring. I don't deserve people to be so nice to me, do I?

I saw all these little kids sat around listening to what I was saying and I felt put on the spot in some ways because I wasn't sure what they were going to ask, so had to think quickly. I guess the abuse has prepared me for that sort of thing. I know that I was very tense. I'm always tense when it comes to things like that, because I think I'm being tested, like if I say the wrong thing, I'll be slaughtered for it. I don't know. I feel like everything I'm saying is wrong unless I get it confirmed by Jason as right. I noticed myself looking across to him for approval of what I was saying, how I was saying about it, all that sort of stuff...

I know I need to believe in myself, I know I need to just let it flow, let the words form themselves and take them from deeo in my heart, not look for what I think others want me to say, for what these people want to hear. Because... What they really want to hear is the truth... I'm not a liar... At least.. I don't like to think I am... Although... I feel like I am because they told me I am, they told everyone that I am, so I must be, but I am trying to change that, I always think about what I say for a few minutes before speaking so that I don't lie. But I still feel like I'm lying...?

I'm making no sense.. I never have made any sense.. I'm a screwed up kid who doesn't deserve to even be alive... Just like they told me I am. They tell me the truth because they Adopted me to love me, care about me, protect me, bethere for me and tell me the truth, teach me the ways of the world... So I MUST believe them.. If they think that I think they're lying, they'll come and get me and this time, they'll kill me. I'm shaking so much. I can't stop. I'm so scared, I don't want them to know that I've told everybody our secret. They'll kill me, literally...

All I want to do is help others, use my experiences to help them... I want to train as a counsellor, I want to be a key support worker here, I want to inspire people with my music, but my music will never be good enough, I'll never do any of these things.. I want to be a veterinary nurse too, but that won't happen either... I'm living in a dream world, cuckoo land, just like they said. People tell me to pursue my dream, to believe in myself, but why should I when it's all Just Dreams? It confuses me so much because I think that these people are telling me the truth, but then i remember what They said, and remember that it is just a dream and it'll never happen.

Why did I even start this? Why did I even believe that I'd ever make it as far as I expect myself to? I'll never be good enough. never. Just like they said.

I'll never be the person I want to be, never be able to impress them, never be able to make them proud of me, or envy me for being able to move on from what's happened... I'll never be perfect. I'll never be loved, cared about, wanted by them...

Right now, I feel like saying "What's the point?" But something inside me won't let me give up...