It's Hitting Me Too Hard

You know...

I thought I was doing okay, I thought that once I'd got into my flat, I'd settle in, get my sleep back on track, but most of all get my whole life back on track and become the real me, the person I've so wanted to be for my whole life. So i was really looking forward to this. It started well, i was getting somewhere, slowly but surely, despite being quite ill and having to spend a few days doing nothing

But last night, something inside me clicked. I don't know what it was... I have yet to figure it out, all I know is that I felt an ache and a kind of searing pain in my heart and I started to cry. I was crying so much that I could hardly breathe. It was horrible. I cried for 4 hours...

All I know is that I was crying about them. Crying about the past. Crying about everything that's ever happened to me. I blame myself. Still. I hate myself for what I've done, for the pain I've caused and for the families I have ruined in the process. I feel like I have hurt so many people and upset so many people, angered so many people and just... Ruined everyone that I've touched's lives.

I felt hated, I felt weak, I felt stupid, pathetic and like I shouldn't be crying, like I don't have it bad at all, like I never did have it bad at all. I still want to go back sometimes, because I feel like I had it so much easier then. But I know that... If my twin had the chance, she'd slam me into a corner one more time, smirk at me and beat me til I was dead, telling me all the time nhow much she hates me, how worthless I am and how little people care or want me around, how I've ruined everything myself and brought it all on myself, how I let those men abuse me, how I made her and everyone else hit me, back me into a corner, tell me how worthless I am. All that stuff.

I just. I don't know what to do anymore. I wake up in cold sweats, I see their faces everywhere I go. I can't go anywhere without being scared that they'll see me and hurt me again, I hear their voices everyday in my head telling me how worthless I am. I feel their presence around me all the time. Am I crazy? Just like they said I am? Probably.

I don't know what to do. I'm in such despair and now I feel really bad for writing this and just really want to delete it because now... I've let the secret out, I've let OUR secret out... Now everybody knows what a bad person I am and how I made them do this to me, how I made them angry and upset and hurt and how I messed everything up...

I hate myself. I don't hate them, I NEED their acceptance.. I need them to love me... I try everything to impress them, but it doesn't work.. It's because I'm a bad person and deserve to be punished..

((((((((((((((((((((((TPND)))))))))))))))))))))))

beads really hope that you thinks hard about what we telled you hun.............that is the key what you need to start moveing forward.......iffen you can see that light............you will start getting out of the rut and the pit that you is ni thelight will come! we is here for you and talk to anytiem you needs to............wishes we live closer tog. so we could be there for you irl cuz we members being exactly where you is rite now adn everyting we tell you is true! you ARE good not bad that was their problemas adn theytryied to make them yours but you does not need to take on their garbage!!!!!!!!!!!1
think aoubt that key that we telled you sweetie............about how your own child would deserve be treated even iffen h\she done not good things please..........that is hwere we hopes you may see that you did not deserve be treted bad any omre then your own chil or any child would............
sometimes bad ppls is put in our lives but that is not because we deserved it it is becasue theyis messed up themselves adn no t not not you fault!
still here for you hun...........always much as we can be............
sending you hugs adn good happy thunks
xxx
your freind,
mary & all of us beadys

Thank you, beads.

I know that I would not accept any other child being treated in the way that I was treated, I would NEVER, EVER treat my own child like that, not in a million years! No matter what my child did.

I just had to briefly talk about my experiences with life and where I want to go in the near furture, what I want to do with my life. I got quite scared, because I had to talk a little about my past and why I ended up in this place, but it was okay. They were all lovely about it. It was tough, I couldn't stop thinking about last night and how I'd cried my heart out. They want to interview me about my experiences, how I ended up here and all taht sort of stuff. I'm so scared that I'll get upset again. It's only little kids interviewing me, but comic relief want to interview me to add my life story into some of their promo work, like how comic relief have helped to raise money for people like me living in these sorts of places.

The two main people from comic relief, both came to me and said "Kirsten... You're such an inspiration to these people. You seem so persuasive and compassionate and like you just want to help everybody else, pass your skills onto other people. You're so articulate with what you say and you seem so passionate about everything that you say and just the way you talk about things is so powerful and it really hits home". Wow. I've never had anyone that hardly knows me, who's heard a little bit about me, IRL, say something like that to me. I almost cried. I felt so welcomed by those two people who hardly know me, I felt so... Well. Like I am a good person, like I do deserve good things to happen to me...

But then those voices in my head came back and told me that no, they're lying, they just want to reel me in so they can use me to get lots of money for the job They seemed so kind and so caring. I don't deserve people to be so nice to me, do I?

I saw all these little kids sat around listening to what I was saying and I felt put on the spot in some ways because I wasn't sure what they were going to ask, so had to think quickly. I guess the abuse has prepared me for that sort of thing. I know that I was very tense. I'm always tense when it comes to things like that, because I think I'm being tested, like if I say the wrong thing, I'll be slaughtered for it. I don't know. I feel like everything I'm saying is wrong unless I get it confirmed by Jason as right. I noticed myself looking across to him for approval of what I was saying, how I was saying about it, all that sort of stuff...

I know I need to believe in myself, I know I need to just let it flow, let the words form themselves and take them from deeo in my heart, not look for what I think others want me to say, for what these people want to hear. Because... What they really want to hear is the truth... I'm not a liar... At least.. I don't like to think I am... Although... I feel like I am because they told me I am, they told everyone that I am, so I must be, but I am trying to change that, I always think about what I say for a few minutes before speaking so that I don't lie. But I still feel like I'm lying...?

I'm making no sense.. I never have made any sense.. I'm a screwed up kid who doesn't deserve to even be alive... Just like they told me I am. They tell me the truth because they Adopted me to love me, care about me, protect me, bethere for me and tell me the truth, teach me the ways of the world... So I MUST believe them.. If they think that I think they're lying, they'll come and get me and this time, they'll kill me. I'm shaking so much. I can't stop. I'm so scared, I don't want them to know that I've told everybody our secret. They'll kill me, literally...

All I want to do is help others, use my experiences to help them... I want to train as a counsellor, I want to be a key support worker here, I want to inspire people with my music, but my music will never be good enough, I'll never do any of these things.. I want to be a veterinary nurse too, but that won't happen either... I'm living in a dream world, cuckoo land, just like they said. People tell me to pursue my dream, to believe in myself, but why should I when it's all Just Dreams? It confuses me so much because I think that these people are telling me the truth, but then i remember what They said, and remember that it is just a dream and it'll never happen.

Why did I even start this? Why did I even believe that I'd ever make it as far as I expect myself to? I'll never be good enough. never. Just like they said.

I'll never be the person I want to be, never be able to impress them, never be able to make them proud of me, or envy me for being able to move on from what's happened... I'll never be perfect. I'll never be loved, cared about, wanted by them...

Right now, I feel like saying "What's the point?" But something inside me won't let me give up...

TPND, maybe all the chaos in your previous living situation kept you from really thinking and facing the past?????? Now you have the time and space to do this?

Also, do you think that you think you are lying because no one has ever validated your experience????????

Keep moving forward. You will make it!

(((((TPND)))))

(((((((((((TPND)))))))))))))))

beads sedn yuo extra hugs toniet adn hopes you can sleep yuo must be on cluod 9 rite now!
thinkign of yuo,
tc,
mary

You have come so far - you have done so much - you are strong and brave and kind and loving and YOU CAN DO THIS

(((thepainneverdies))) I'm sorry you are feeling so bad about yourself. I have felt the same way. It's was all my fault and how could I be so stupid and I deserve to be in sack cloth and ashes & sent to Siberia.

Then I remind myself that if I had been able to do better I would have, as I'm sure you would have made better choices were you truly capable of it. We didn't, like every other person on earth at one time or another. Don't wait for their forgiveness, forgive yourself and promise yourself that now you know better, you'll will try your best to act better.

You may not ever get the love, understanding, forgiveness or acceptance you want from certain people. All you can do is say your sorry and you'll try to be a better person from now on. Or just DO, don't even say sorry - depending on the situation and how many times you've said "sorry" before.

It'll take a while for people to notice, then for them to believe you really have changed, so patience with yourself and others is very important. Those who never forgive, never give you a break, never understand, you do not need or want in your life. Unless you like feeling the way you are right now.

Be kind and gentle to yourself, you do deserve it. We are all doing the best we can with what we've got. Some people have many resources and do little with it. Some of us have very little resources but do much with the little we have. People with lots of resources who have never walked in our shoes may never be capable of *seeing* how much we do, how hard we try.

Be good to yourself, take care of yourself. Keep letting us know how you are doing. I've spent a lot of time crying over the years. Having a good hearty cry can be healing, like rain washing the air clean. Please stop beating yourself up. Think: You are not a bad person trying be good, but a sick person trying to get well.

Maybe where I was living previously with all the chaos, did eep me from really thinking about and facing the past... I don't know. I guess so. I guess now I have the space and quiet and not so much to do with people knocking on my door asking favours, I have more time to think and feel and not just do things to keep me busy, keep me from having to face all that stuff.

I guess I do think that I'm lying because nobody has ever validated my experience.. I don't know though. I think it's mainly because I've always been told that I'm lying, that I never tell the truth and that no-one will ever believe me... So I guess I think that I'm lying because it doesn't seem real that I'm telling the truth. You know... Reading what I've said, I've confused myself, I wouldn't be surprised if I'd confused all of you here, too! It's all jibberish and jumble to me now...

Beads, I managed to get some sleep last night! Approx. 6 hours, which is better than what I have been getting, but still have to go to the drs, which I'm dreading because they'll propbably check my blood sugar levels

Thank you Manda86. I needed hugs

P7, thank you for believing in me so much. It helps to have others believing in me, although I do wonder how people can believe in me.. But I guess that's down to not believing in myself... Thank you for such kind words everyone... I've really needed this!

I don't feel like I have come very far compared to a lot of people, but then I think about my age and all I've had to carry on my shoulders and I know I'm doing OK. Not great, but ok. I'm still alive. I'm still surviving... Or at least trying to...

I don't even think I have done so much either. Not for myself anyway. I admit I take too much on, I admit I do too much for others and not myself, I admit that I can't do it. I admit... I admit I'm Not OK. I wish I was, but I really am not. I'm confsued, I'm stuck and I feel all over the place. I feel like my life is off the rails and I even told my counsellor this. She nodded her head, she agreed with me, she said she could feel that because of the way I speak, the way I think, the things I do..

I wish I didn't live this life, I wish I wasn't me. I wish I could just be happy. I wish... I wish none of this had ever happened... But then... Who would I be if it hadn't?

Thank you, pomegranate, your words really hit home. I have said sorry over and over, trying to get them to believe me, to love me and care for me, to want me and to forgive me for being such a bad girl. They'll never forgive me, but for some reason I still just keep digging my heels in and stamping my feet, not letting them not love me or want me, or care about me. I feel I Need them to do all these things... I don't. They've hurt me and I've been sorry for too long, i know I have... But I feel like I'll always be sorry...

Of course I don't like feeling the way I am now... I absolutely hate it, hence not wanting to be here anymore.. I feel like it'll never change no matter how hard I try, because it's taking so long to change... Maybe I'm just not seeing the changes... I don't know...

The crying did help, it helped a lot.. It was just so painful... how much more pain will I have to endure before I start to feel better? At the time it helped, but i feel like i have a never ending supply of tears, like I'll never stop crying about it. I'm so f-cking confused and I hate it!!!!! I can't help but beat myself up. After all I'm Always WRONG!!!!!!! ALWAYS! ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS SO ******* WRONG!!!! What the hell did I do for them to hit me, to sexually abuse me, to make mee stand in front of a mirror everyday and tell myself what a bad person I am, to taunt me, to hurt me so bad??? Just WHAT did I do???? I know I was a bad kid, too quiet, too stubborn, too passive and easy to control, too stupid and brainless and crap at school, too crap at everything, too weak, too rubbish, too sensitive, too nasty, too disliked. God, I hate myself so much! I just.. I don't understand... Was I really all of that??

All I ever do is try, all I ever do is help others, concentrate on everybody else, not me. I never concentrate on me and that's why things are rough with Connor and I, because when I'm not happy, he's not happy. I'm just doing everything wrong Again!!! Why do I always do things wrong?

I ache. My heart aches, my head aches, my soul aches. Who am I anymore? I feel hollow. Like a nobody, a nothing..

the pain never does die, just goes into remission more & more often as we heal - you are, you will

The pain can die if you keep working through it.........

TPND, you didn't do anything to deserve the treatment that you got. Your adoptive family is toxic and they were very, very wrong.

TPND, I don't think that you have to apoligize to anyone and there is nothing that you have to change about yourself for anyone. You have done nothing wrong.

I can always feel the pain there, why won't it go away no matter what I do? It just won't bugger off and leave me to be me, get on with my life, move on and just be okay. Why am I not okay? Why do I let it affect me so much? Why am I so weak as to let it get to me everyday?

I have to write a letter to Bryony as one of my tasks set by my counsellor... At first, I got majorly stressed and worried about it because I knew what I wanted to say yet I just didn't know how to put it into words... I started writing and I read what I had written and it seemed soppy, rubbish and just... Like it wasn't from the heart, like I was trying to be pretentious or something, I don't know... Trying to override their power, making it seem like I'm better than they are. Ugh. I'm not any better, I'm worse. I'm nothing. A nobody. I'm not important, my feelings are not important. In the end, yesterday I sat down and started again, but this time I did a spider map first. I put in the middle "My feelings towards Bryony and the situation", then around the outside I put things like "hurt," "angry," "torn apart," "where's my sister gone?" "does she care? I do!" "lost" yeah, they're just some of the things I wrote on there. Then I sorted through them and put them in order of importance for my letter and wrote a 3 page long letter to Bryony. I have to show Sian next week. I'm terrified because she'll be seeing my true feelings and how I really feel about everything and she'll start to know our secret and what if she tells someone? Gaaaahhhhhh! I should know by now that she won't, but what if... What if she does? What if she wants to get them done for what they did to me?

I spoke to one of the SWEDA supporters on msn last night and they said they think I hold a lot of things in and I can't carry it anymore... They asked me if I could try to share our secret with them and reassured me that they will only hold onto it, not tell anyone and to just keep it to themselves to make me feel safer... So I tried. I found it really hard, I was so scared that they'd find out, they will, they always do... I told the supporter that and she said that it seemed that although I'm away from them, I can still be abused by them.. Not neccessarily physically, but moreso emotionally... I said that she was right and that I hated it and I wished I wasn't here anymore, that I could rid them of me, of the person that made their lives hell and continues to do so.. I told the supporter about the times I'd dread every step I took closer to the car when I was meeting Shana from school to go home, how I'd get a slap for answering her when she asked how much trouble I'd caused everyone, then get a punch or a hard tug on my ear for saying sorry. Then get ignored by both Bryony and Shana all the way back and I told her how they talked about me in the car like I wasn't even there, like I didn't exist... Maybe it is better that I don't exist... I told her of the times I'd get humiliated for cutting, how they'd make sure I didn't eat when I said I wasn't hungry one morning... How they'd count all the food in the cupboards and fridge and tell me that if I don't eat now, I don't eat for the rest of the day. I told her things that I've never told anyone before... I felt safe somehow, but still scared that they'd find out... You know?

I did everything wrong, Sannah, I did everything to deserve what I got. I said everything wrong, I would get beaten until I couldn't stand just because I didn't do my jobs in the times set... This is what I told the supporter that I've never told anyone before: The day I broke my ribs... It was an accident... Firstly, I was out riding a bike with my cousins. One of the stopped on a corner and I went into the back of her because I didn't know she'd stopped and she'd stopped so abruptly. So I crashed into her, went flying over my younger cousin, hitting her head, then hit my ribs on the edge of my older cousins' handle bar. I landed face first in the road. Just as I was flying through the air, i car drove past. Didn't stop. So, I landed face first in the road, pain struck my body and I started to scream. Both of my counsins threw their bikes to the side and the younger one (Anna) started crying. She was scared because I was screaming from the pain. The older one (Elizabeth) saw blood pouring out of my elbow and started getting squeamish and backing off. So I was stuck pretty much. Anna finally calmed down a bit and ran to her friend's house to get help. Help came and I was carried to a chair with a glass of water and had a dog planted on my lap XD best bit! My Auntie was called and she sped down the road in her car and screeched to a halt beside me. Struggling to breathe, I explained what happened and continued to cry in pain. My Auntie lifted me up and carried me to her car, lying me in the back. My cousins cycled home and Alison (Auntie) drove me back to her house. I had to go to the hospital to check that my ribs weren't broken. Four were bruised, one was cracked, but I was told to rest up in bed and stay there, not do anything at all or my ribs would never heal properly.

So... I tried to stay in bed. I had a bed with a fouton and desk underneath, so had to climb up and down a ladder to get in and out. Shana didn't care that I yelped in pain everytime I moved. She yelled at me to "get your fat *** out of bed and get some work done, you lazy little s--t!" That was when I fell. I was climbing down the ladder and struggling to get down, when the pain got too much, I lost my grip and fell on my back. I screamed in pain and Shana ran up the stairs, grabbed my ear, yanking me up and screamed and me to quit all the racket, stop being such a wimp and get on with it. She dragged me down the stairs by my ear, still yelping in pain, trying to keep quiet to save another smack. It didn't work. I didn't get my jobs done quickly enough Bryony was home by this time and so was Thomas... Shana hit me. First in the face, then in the ribs. Bryony hit me too. She beat me agian and again in the ribs, face, back, legs, arms, pulled my hair and kept punching, kicking, screaming. I couldn't cry out in pain anymore. I slumped to the floor, attempting to cover my head and my ribs, I couldn't stand up. That's when I heard a mighty Crrrack! And felt a horrendous pain in my ribs.With my nose bleeding, my chest pouding and my ribs throbbing with pain, I begged them to leave me alone. I started to cry, gave them what they wanted - tears, hurt, the reaction they'd been waiting for. They laughed and said "Oh dear, poor cry baby Kirsten, in pain are you? Well deal with it!! That's what you get for not doing your tasks on time! There are no limitations jjust because that stupid asshole doctor told YOU, you pathetic little s--t, to stay in bed!! Get up and finish your jobs. NOW, before I change my mind and kill you!" I got up and stumbled to the garden to feed the chickens. I cried my heart out, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, the world seemed to go black around me. THAT was how my ribs broke. I kept that part from Connor and everyone, telling him and them that the bike fall was the cause of it.

If Connor ever reads this, it'll break my heart. I can't let him see this. I can't let him read what's happened to me, let it hurt him so much. I can't let him know just how much pain they caused me. It'll tear him up. God, what am I gonna do? My ribs never healed properly and I still get hell from them if I do a lot of work. This is hell! I have to apologise, because I made them do that to me, I made them mad because I fell and screamed in pain, i should have put up with it, I didn't do my jobs on time. I was too slow yet again

Why do I let myself do everything wrong?? I never, ever do anything right. I never did. That's why I deserve all of this. I'm scared now. What if They see this and find out I'm telling our secret? What if someone else reads it and knows me and tries to use it as proof to do something about it? What the hell will happen to me then??? I'll be a dead woman walking!!! No! I can't let that happen! I can't let them find out! They'll kill me! Bryony's threatened it before, even pulled a knife out on me and knocked me out by kicking a door down onto my head, so there's nothing stopping her doing it again and succeeding. What am I gonna do?!?! Maybe my best bet is to just delete this whole thing... Then nobody will know I ever wrote it or told anybody our secret... or will they? Course they will!! They always know! ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!

I'm so scared

painneverstops, my misunderstanding in my first post. I didn't realize you were talking about things that happened to you as a child.

Children are NEVER TO BLAME for being abused, for anything they do to *cause* their abuse, for feelings or actions they have during their abuse.

Go spend several days just watching children that were your age when all these memoriess you talked about happened. Just watch them and think - could these children possibly be responsible for the kind of treatment I received? You will see how ridculous your idea that you were somehow responsible for you actions are.

Even if you, as a child, broke you ribs, caused yourself to be hurt on purpose, that was NOT your fault either. That was the only way you knew to cry out for help in a horrible situation. What other resources, as a child, did you have?

If you want to write something, have a mantra, a chant for yourself, write, say, chant 1,000 times: It was not my fault. I am not to blame.

One other thing.

Quote:

So I tried. I found it really hard, I was so scared that they'd find out, they will, they always do... I told the supporter that and she said that it seemed that although I'm away from them, I can still be abused by them..

I may be not understanding again, not having enough context here, but that sounds like my experience with delusional thinking. "They always know, they always find out." That's me in my delusional thinking reading into things people say, or do, or even just a look, and thinking "they know." They are listening in on me, someone told someone who told them, etc. etc.

Do you think like that? If so you may have delusional thinking - steming from your depression and PTSD also. If that is the case you definitely need to tell a pdoc or therapist about it and you will need to be on medication. I that is the case, pleas get the help you need. And continue to post here and let us know how you are doing.

I have to apologise, because I made them do that to me, I made them mad because I fell and screamed in pain, i should have put up with it, I didn't do my jobs on time. I was too slow yet again

No, Pain, you were not at fault here. You did not make them do it. I have some similar experiences, though not as extreme as yours, and I can tell you that no one should be treated as you were. No one who is kind would see you as "deserving" what you got for being "too slow". No one in their right mind would do that to you.

I hope you are in fact safe now. I don't think they will find out what you wrote here. It is good for you to tell someone, someone who will listen and support you, as we will here.

My dearest, dearest TPND! Your family was sick! Any sane mother would see that pain and make a better bed for you. Any sane mother would not make you do chores when you are supposed to be resting in bed. Any sane mother would not let a sibling beat you up! They were very sick! You deserved none of that!

I am glad that you worked so hard on that letter! Very Good Work! Ask Sian to reassure you that she will not tell anyone.

TPND, it is too early for you to not have pain yet. You have just begun to work on this. It will get better eventually though!

If you would feel safer ask a moderator to help you delete some of your post?????

Sounds like you've gotten at least a little toughened to bad things happening to you, but when good things happen it triggers you?

I can't (don't want to?) come up with any examples of my own right now, but something about that feels awfully familiar.

Pomegranate; I didn't break my ribs... They did

I do think like that, yes, I always read into what people say or do and how they look at me and think "they know, someone's told them" or just "They know, they've figured it out" It's like... I kinda think they just Know. That sounds stupid and ridiculous, I know. But they do!! They really do! They always know, they always find out somehow, they always get me back for it! They'll always be after me, I'll never escape them

I will use that idea of watching kids that are the age that I was at when everything happened. I just. I think that I'm different to everyone else, that I did deserve it, but no-one else does. Just me. Because I'm such a bad person...

Pachyderm; They will find out... Somehow. They always do, just like I said above. Someone that I thought I trusted, thought was my friend added my twin on facebook. I know why she did it. I know she wants to tell her everything that I say because she can read everything that I write on here and can tell my twin everything. What the hell am I gonna do now? I'm losing this battle. I Do deserve it. Everything. All the nastiness, the pain, the broken ribs, the bruises, the scars, everything. I was too slow and I should've learned to be quicker. I never was quick enough. Always the slow, dumb one. But when i got better grades than my "more clever" twin, I didn't get acknowledged for that. She got comforted when she cried because she was shocked that she'd failed most of her subjects.... All from bumming around in class! So no, I never got recognised for that and I know I should've done better than what I did. Then maybe I would've been recognised, acknowledged, appreciated.

I will talk to Sian about the fear of them finding out. She'll ask me why I'm so scared and I'll have to start to explain everything. I'm so scared

I may ask a moderator to help me to delete some of my post. It's too horrible to read and they can find out. They have ways..

I saw my gp today. She told me to tell her everything, she was pleased to see me. I told her everything that had been going on recently. I admitted that my self harm has slipped again and gone back to the "at least twice a week" stage. I told her about the panic attacks, the fear, the lack of sleep. She wants to put me on citalopram, but because I'm under 18, she has to confirm it with my gp. I'm so scared. She said they're for anxiety and should help me to sleep a bit better. She phoned the MHT whilst I was sat with her and asked my old cpn to see me again because I keep having panic attacks and everything's up in the air and she's concerned.. I have to call her on Monday to find out whether I'll be seeing her again. I'm terrified. I don't know what to say about stopping going before.. I'm so anxious, so panicky, so weak and scared and ugh... I didn't want to see Isoble again, I was too scared that she'd tell them, that she knows them and will talk between her team about it and Angus, the old family therapist will catch wind of it, and tell them what a stupid, fat, ugly f-cking failure I am. I want to prove that I can do this, I want to get through it alone. Not with all these people pushing me there, not with medication, not with no sleep and anxiety and depression and cutting and lack of eating. Not with any pain. I just want to forget about it. But the only way that would ever happen is if I died.

That's all they wanted and still do want, me out of their hair, off the Earth, dead. So that I can't keep telling lies, spreading our secret. It's all a lie. They told me it is, so it is. I have lied to all of you. None of this is true. This is what I have to do when I tell people our secret. I have to say I lied. Which I did. I'm sorry I lied.

Just want to cry

Fool Zero; When good things happen, it does trigger me sometimes, because I think why do I deserve this? I Don't deserve it. I should give it back, not accept it, because I don't deserve it.

Yes, sounds familiar!

You might want to keep one eye (or both, if you can manage it!) on an alternative explanation: that you do deserve it, but there's still some stuff in the way of your seeing that, that you're continuing to plow through. Of course when you plow through stuff, it does come up to be looked at.

FWIW, when stuff comes up for me I've found that the most expeditious way to deal with it is to look it directly in the eye, stare it down. If I try to turn away from it, it jumps on my back and rides me for a long time.

Best of luck, TPND!

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The only way out is through.

FooZe (hope I got that right?) Brings to mind to me our lack of trust issue. I expect or am not surprised when bad things happen. I've had more bad than good happen to me so far.

So when good comes into my life I get scared. I get paranoid. I don't trust it. I wait for the *other shoe to drop.* I know I'm going to be punished if anything good happens to me. Is that maybe what you are feeling?

My dear dear TPND - I am sitting down next to you - giving you a afe hug and passsing you a warm blanket and a soft teddy to hug I will sit with you for as long as you need me dear friend

You didnt lie - they did, you didnt do anything wrong, they did, you are not bad , they are - you do not need to be punished - they do.

I know where these feeling are coming from - they were planted by your abusers - dont let them win - you can do this - you CAN DO THIS

Think of how far you've come - you have conner - you have a place of your own! WOW!!!! this is brilliant!!! you are brilliant and you have us - you're friends at PC -

Please take care of you - because you ARE WORTH IT

That is what I'm feeling, I always feel like something good happening means that there's bound to be something bad happen shortly after, to snatch away that good thing before I can have it. Just like before. I never had anything good happen to me without something bad kicking me up the arse to remind me that I am a bad person and need to be punished for it, for thinking that I deserve good things.

P7; Thank you so much. I've not huged a teddy in years. It gives me great comfort when I need it. I was sat in a friend's flat and he has a hamster. This hamster is one of very few that doesn't bite. I asked to hold him and I sat there for ages, just holding this hamster, with such a goofy grin on my face. My friend, Mark came over and saw the grin on my face and I think he kinda guessed that's all I needed to put a smile on my face. An animal in my arms/hands. But yeah, it made me feel so warm inside to have this little creature crawling around on my lap and just feeling his soft fur put me into a state of such happiness that I almost forgot all my troubles... That's all I need... A little furry friend to keep me going..

Thank you for the warm blanket also and for sitting with me. I need someone here today.

I feel like your statements are not true, about them lying and such. I feel like it IS me lying, but I'm trying my hardest to believe what you're saying.

I have a place of my own, yes. I'm 17 and I have a place of my own. Hmmm. Scary, but good. I know that not many people at my age would have had to have coped with everything on their own like I have, not at the age of 16.

I beg to differ on the "you are brilliant" part, but again, I'm trying to believe it. I just feel like I'm failing no matter what I do, because They don't care, therefore it feels like I'm trying to fool myself into thinking that I did it, that I'm clever and sensible and know what I'm doing... But... I did do it myself, nobody else did... I was the only one that could've been a good resident in order to get the flat, I was the only one that did so much volunteering and stuff..

But... My head is so messed up today that I've forgotten a lot of things, I keep falling over things, dropping things, forgetting things, I almost went to write a whole load of stuff that I'd written yesterday, again. I feel so tired and crap, I really didn't want to get up today but had to for breakfast club, to feed everybody else.

I don't want to cry anymore... I don't want to be angry and stressed and unhappy and hurting anymore but no matter how hard I try, I always am..

still here TPND - handing you hotchocolate and marshmallows and a kittykat to sit on your lap and purr contentedly It WILL get better - things HAVE changed for the better - you have help now to get you through this - you CAN do this - we ARE HERE with you ok - you are NOT ALONE!!!!!

Oooooh Kitties!!! Thank you

No, I wouldn't say most things to a friend taht I say to myself... Oops :-/

I don't know if it'd be allowed, not sure.. But I think if I informed the staff here about it and how I know it'd help my depression, they'd allow it. I know that two of my key support workers know how much it'd help, but I guess I'll have to see what they say about it. The person that has a hamster... The staff don't even know about him having it.. :-/

Thank you for the teddy bear hugs. They made me smile

I guess I wouldn't have made it this far if I didn't have a brain in my head and a good head on my shoulders and some sort of drive to keep me pushing so far... Hmm.

GP's concerned that I've got so much on my mind and keep screwing everyday simple things up, hence getting in touch with the MHT again. I have to call them on Monday. So scared!

I guess I feel lonely because no-one here with me - IRL - understands it or seems to want to help, or talk to me about it, or be there with me when I need them.. Connor is one of those.. I do try to keep myself going, though..

and you are doing a great job - give yourself some credit and remember next time you want to verbally beat yourself up to ask yourself what you would say to a friend ok

know you like puppies so heres some for you

You know me well

Heh. I never give myself credit. I don't think I'm doing a good job... After all... The only way I'm coping is through food... Or lack thereof. I wish I didn't feel so crap today... I was supposed to be having a chocolate fondue today, but way too scared. I just don't know what to do

I feel so drained and weak and achey...