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Jul 05, 2009, 11:33 PM
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Member Since: Sep 2007
Location: Colorado
Posts: 9,092
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*repeat of the trigger warning in the subject - be safe everyone*
I just have to get this out. I am hating myself so much right now. I feel INADEQUATE in so many ways. I feel like a dirty rotten filthy w**re. VILE.
I can't live up to standard. I hate that there IS a standard. Makes it so much harder.
I WANT to be having fun. I WANT to be interesting, have hobbies/interests rather than hours on end spent crying, or being too numb to cry, or obsessing about someone half a country away, or sitting TALKING for hours on end about nothing wasting the day away. Doing nothing.
Worst is I feel so DIRTY. The words dirty filthy w**re keep ringing in my head over and over. It makes me want to punish myself. I don't. I've been strong with that. I want to UNDO the damage not CREATE more.
FEEL SO INADEQUATE. In everything. In life. In love. In holding true to myself, in taking care of myself, in just LIVING MY LIFE.
Just so frustrated right now, so frustrated.
thanks for letting me rant and sorry about the frustrated tone etc. I really am holding up generally ok - I'm still getting to work and managing just sometimes even there triggers creep in.
hugs to all 
__________________
Yesterday I was so clever, so I want to change the world.
Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.
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