Darn it, FooZe! You make too much sense!

I get what you're saying and I do really, superly duperly resent The Adoptive Family for what they did. The biggest insult I could think of giving them at the time was that I wouldn't call them "Mum and Dad", I would call them by their Christian names. So i did and they hated it. That said, it wasn't for revenge, it was merely to show how much they'd hurt me and how much I wanted to give them a piece of my mind.

Now... I don't quite understand why I SI so badly.. I never ever thought in a million years that I would have scars like this on my arms and legs and I never thought I'd have been in hospital for overdoses and for not eating enough.. I guess the SI was my way of outputting the hurt so that I could see it and deal with it in that way, after letting it all build up inside me. Rather like when you get a blood clot, I felt kinda like that.. Like there was a big ball of crap weighing me down and making matters worse and even harder to deal with aand i can't shift it, so in a way I used SI to shift it.. Does that make sense? With the ED, I guess that stems from the name calling --- "fatty, chubs, wobbly, frump" etc etc. But not only that. I think it comes from just feeling down on myself and thinking that maybe if I was just a bit thinner they'd stop teh name calling and maybe if I took that sort of control that they couldn't take away from me, then I'd at least know I had control over something. But then with therapy, I've figured another part of it is down to punishment. Carrying on the punishment that they gave me. Why I do this, I don't know. I believe that I deserved it and still do deserve it. I'm trying to get past that stage, but after having my self esteem and self belief stamped on so many times, how could I possibly believe what that tiny part of me tells me? And that is that they are wrong and I am right. I confuse myself sometimes!

So yeah.. I've thought about it a lot and I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that yes, I am letting them win by still punishing myself and becoming the wreck that they wanted me to be... But I look forward to the day when i don't have to use all the things to make me "feel better" and like I've got control and some form of outlet.

Hmmm. That;s a good thought. Thanks for that, FooZe. Given me something to think about

I didn't sleep too badly last night, woke up this morning feeling sick still, but at least I got myself checked out... Apparently I'd not eaten enough..?!?!?!?!? GRRRRR. I tried at least!!!