It's Hitting Me Too Hard

Thank you for that, FooZe. That made a lot of sense.. And no, I don't understand why I keep believing what she's said about me.. I guess.. After all the friends and family I've lost and let downs I've had in my life, I believe her because it makes sense that no-one wants me because of losing so many people, But i get where you're coming from and I'm learning not to listen to her.

It is tough though. P7; I know I have to take care of me first.. And that's why, when I went home today and crashed (literally) --- falling UP the stairs to my flat, hitting my knees and blacking out for a bit, then going through stages of hot and cold and sweating, not to mention not being able to stop throwing up once I got to my flat --- I went to bed and got some sleep. I took some me time, I know it was just sleeping, but it was something to make me feel better and I know that it tok my collapsing to make me take that me time, but... At least I did?

I'm still not feeling 100%, but I'm feeling a little better after my rest and decided that my flat can wait another few hours, or another day to be cleaned.. I don't want to exhaust myself anymore. Everything's got on top of me far too much for that now.

I just feel tired all the time and like I cant do anything anymore and blahhhh. Can I have a hug?

Here's something I've started noticing recently that I'm frankly kind of puzzled about: by now I've met a lot of people here at PC who've been abused in one way or another and who seem to be clinging to their respective abusers (or the memory of them), apparently unwilling to turn against them or away from them or move on. It's even starting to remind me a little of boxers going into a clinch -- where you hang so tightly to your opponent that they can't get a good swing at you, and you get a few seconds' respite from having to dodge and parry and hit back.

It may be that I wasn't abused severely enough myself, or that I never expected very much from my parents so there wasn't enough incentive for me to try very hard to win them over; but I'm having a good deal of trouble understanding those of you who are still giving yourselves grief in order (apparently) to somehow spare an abuser.

You and a few others have started throwing a tiny bit of light on this for me, but so far it's been mostly interesting darkness. You don't have to do anything; just keep talking. But know that I'm listening -- and puzzling over it.

Occasionally, when something interesting enough is going on, I can do with little sleep for a few days and catch up later. For the most part, though, I've found sleep extremely important. When I'm feeling stressed or depressed or most any other way below par, don't anyone dare get between me and my sleep or we'll be needing a trigger icon!

Hmmm. I guess it is kinda puzzling to most people, especially those who haven't ever been abused in any way.. But then again.. I guess almost everyone in the world is abused in some way, big or small..

Sleep doesn't seem important to me, though.. Whether something interesting is going on or not, I'm always helping someone whether it's a big or a small problem.. Even if I am asleep, I dream about it within the space of an hour and wake up sweating, crying, screaming, hugging my pillow, anything and then i can't get back to sleep.. I mean I know sleep is important, but to me, it's just another thing that everyone else can do and I can't at the moment and that just frustrates me.

I feel so tired and weak.. My nexk hurts, my head aches, I feel sick and I just keep breaking out in a sweat every now and then for no reason, then going really hot and cold again, feeling sick again and getting quite bad stomach pains. Ugh. Hate it when things like this happen. I hate being ill

TPND, I came up with one of my wilder flights of fancy earlier today. It happens to run way farther in the psychoanalytic direction than I'm ever comfortable going. Since we already happened to be having this conversation (well, the more sensible part of it anyway), I decided I wanted you to be the first one I ran this by:


If I were a little kid living in an abusive situation I imagine I'd resent the heck out of whoever was abusing me (along with whoever was letting them), but I'd also be depending on them for pretty much everything -- my survival. I'd probably accept an awful lot of bad stuff if the alternatives all looked (for all I knew) like being thrown out of the house, or killed, or being made the family scapegoat. ****, I might even settle relatively quietly for the scapegoat's job in preference to one of the other two.

The time would almost certainly come, though, when I'd want to reconsider the deal I'd made. Of course it would be too late to actually get un-abused but I can see myself taking some position like, "You sons of *****es, I once let you abuse me in exchange for my survival but now I say I made a rotten bargain. Take back the bleeping abuse -- and yes, I'll refund you my survival too -- here!

If I were making such a demand, realistic or not, very, very earnestly, I might very well choose to punctuate it with something like SI-ing and/or starving myself to death. That would, of course, sound crazy enough even to me that I'd be a bit hesitant to admit even to myself that that was what I was doing -- so I might very well wonder (even as I was doing it) why the devil I'd want to do something like that.


Whaddaya think? Worth entertaining further, or should I scrap it?

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You read it here first: my new personal best for craziness!

Hi sweety Just remember to breathe... eat... sleep... and take a little time for yourself

im glad you got some rest -

Darn it, FooZe! You make too much sense!

I get what you're saying and I do really, superly duperly resent The Adoptive Family for what they did. The biggest insult I could think of giving them at the time was that I wouldn't call them "Mum and Dad", I would call them by their Christian names. So i did and they hated it. That said, it wasn't for revenge, it was merely to show how much they'd hurt me and how much I wanted to give them a piece of my mind.

Now... I don't quite understand why I SI so badly.. I never ever thought in a million years that I would have scars like this on my arms and legs and I never thought I'd have been in hospital for overdoses and for not eating enough.. I guess the SI was my way of outputting the hurt so that I could see it and deal with it in that way, after letting it all build up inside me. Rather like when you get a blood clot, I felt kinda like that.. Like there was a big ball of crap weighing me down and making matters worse and even harder to deal with aand i can't shift it, so in a way I used SI to shift it.. Does that make sense? With the ED, I guess that stems from the name calling --- "fatty, chubs, wobbly, frump" etc etc. But not only that. I think it comes from just feeling down on myself and thinking that maybe if I was just a bit thinner they'd stop teh name calling and maybe if I took that sort of control that they couldn't take away from me, then I'd at least know I had control over something. But then with therapy, I've figured another part of it is down to punishment. Carrying on the punishment that they gave me. Why I do this, I don't know. I believe that I deserved it and still do deserve it. I'm trying to get past that stage, but after having my self esteem and self belief stamped on so many times, how could I possibly believe what that tiny part of me tells me? And that is that they are wrong and I am right. I confuse myself sometimes!

So yeah.. I've thought about it a lot and I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that yes, I am letting them win by still punishing myself and becoming the wreck that they wanted me to be... But I look forward to the day when i don't have to use all the things to make me "feel better" and like I've got control and some form of outlet.

Hmmm. That;s a good thought. Thanks for that, FooZe. Given me something to think about

I didn't sleep too badly last night, woke up this morning feeling sick still, but at least I got myself checked out... Apparently I'd not eaten enough..?!?!?!?!? GRRRRR. I tried at least!!!

you do what you can when you can ok - and every day you do a little more - I have seen you grow so much TPND - keep up the good work

Yes, FooZe is rather a clever clogs! :P but I think I speak for both of us here --- along with many others --- that's why we love him

I'm getting there with not adding more scars.. I honestly can't remember the last time I did it.. I think it was on 20th June, like.. 2 days before my Birthday or something when I burned myself. I have noooo idea tbh! I know that it lets us avoid dealing with the pain, meaning the pain just builds up until we have to face it and deal with it, but now I've got my T, I feel safer doing that

I'm trying not to let them win, but it is hard considering I've been doing this since I was as young as 7 or 8, but I'm getting there slowly.

Anyways, must run! Have to rehearse for my gig on 5th August will let you know how it goes.

yay! good luck with the rehersal I amsure you wil be wonderful take care P7

Well in the rehearsal when everyone heard my new song for the first time, I got lots of applause and hugs and such

I guess... It's almost been a month since I last did it.. Wow.. That's the lnogest I've made it in a lonnnnng time, but then again... Still using my ED to hide behind and such, but I'm trying.. Honest!

Thank you for having such faith in me, P7 that has made my day.

I'm still a little worried about the gig because I'm not sure of some lyrics and guitar riffs, but I'm getting there slowly and hopefully it'll be good enough to show to Connor's family later. I must admit though, one of the songs was sprung on me the day before i came here, so... Fair enough if I don't know the lyrics and guitar riff to it, but I'm learning so it's all good! Plus all the others know the lyrics anyway, so if I forget, they're singing with me

Just got loooooads on my mind today and trying to keep up with it all, which is proving difficult!

I'm pretty fluent in American but understand British only indifferently. Had to look that up. Uh-oh!Oh, ****, I'm being mistaken for an intellectual now!

Best of luck with that gig, TPND!

I agree with FooZe here - and have a great time too

((((((((((((((( tpnd )))))))))))))))

I'd like to jump clear over that "clever clogs" kerfuffle (thanks for laying it to rest, P7) and back to something TPND said earlier:I take confusion for a good sign. It generally means you're getting close to the truth. Anyway, that "tiny part" of you is what counts -- it's called mindfulness. All the rest is baggage.

You don't need to believe anything. The best thing you can do is start from where you are, only keep the lights on. If you don't believe something, just watch yourself disbelieve it, and then watch whatever you choose to do about it, and then watch whatever happens after that.

Another member here, whom you already seem to know, recently reported* that she stopped SI-ing to see what would happen. After a few weeks she noticed a lot of sadness (among other things) starting to come up for her. It sounded as if SI had been her way of suppressing or dissipating that, or at least distracting herself from it. As soon as she learned to just let the sadness be there, that was when the fireworks began and she started discovering what was on the other side of that.

If you should feel like SI-ing, what I'd recommend would be first noticing what comes up for you when you don't**.And again: when you feel as if you deserve punishment, notice what that "deserving" actually looks and feels like to you -- and what comes up for you when you don't act on it.

When you've chosen to work on something mindfully, if you find you only get an inch into it before giving up, (a.) watch yourself give up, (b.) keep noticing what comes up for you after you give up, and (c.) next time see if you can make it two inches.

Just be that "tiny part" of yourself and keep the lights on. It's all you ever need to do.



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* If the "other member" were to read this and find that I didn't get the facts of her story exactly right, no matter; let's then call this a different story that I made up, inspired by hers and loosely based on it.

** I just noticed that Rapunzel recently addressed this same subject a little differently, here.

Haha. Thanks for clearing that one up so quickly, P7!!

Hmmm, FooZe the part about not SI'ing.. Sounds intriguing... You know, I came home today after a good weekend and all of a sudden felt lonely and crap again... It always happens when i go home to my flat alone.. Funnily enough, i was going to SI because something really triggered me.. I think I cut between my fingers on a glass that was cracked and I hadn't noticed when I was washing up, but yeah.. I got triggered and went to SI. But then I thought 'wait a minute... REWIND!!!! *strange rewinding noisessss* I had a great weekend and I was happy whilst at Connors, I found the food side difficult, but I was happy. So why spoil it now just because I'm alone? It's not as though I won't be talking to Connor tonight...' So, i didn't do it! YAY!!! Today is exactly a month since I last did it So yeah... I = big fat CHUFFED!

I just read the part you linked me to and it all looks SO useful! i think I may have to print that page out and stick it on my wall

Being that tiny part of me?? How?!?!?!?! If I knew how, then I'd have done it long ago.. I guess that's where I'm stuck.

Blahhhh. I'm still not well. On Friday, I blacked out again for about 50 minutes.. I didn't even remember getting up or anything, all I remember is panicking when i realised I was late to get picked up by Connor's Dad by 20 minutes!!!! NO! Why did it have to happen then?? I then went to Connor's after running with my guitar to where i was supposed to meet his Dad at the car and his Dad found me *phew!* and just made light of it. I didn't tell him the real reason - I didn't want to cause a fuss. When I got to the house, Lisa (Connor's Mum) took one look at me and said "Kirsten... Are you okay love? You look a bit green... Are you still fainting and such?" I nodded and she said "Jesus Christ. Well umm.. Go sit down for a bit but get a drink first." So I did that, but then went up to Connor's bedroom and found a cute, cuddly sleeping lion in his bed (that was Connor!:P) he woke up as I opened the door and welcomed me into the bed for a cuddle which was oh so good he asked about the fainting and I told him about what happened before I met his Dad. He looked worried and said I looked a bit pale. He looked after me well, though, running around for me, making me sit down and getting me drinks, moving the sofa so that I could lie on his lap while he played on his xbox 360 XD so I was happy enough. Just really, really annoyed at myself and my stupid body for blacking out and making me late GRRR. But meh. I've just got a horrible banging headache and feel really sleepy and yucky today. Not good.

I need sleep, but I have to see my key worker and get some other stuff done so I'm gonna be awake until I can be awake no more, which will hopefully be at around 9pm tonight. That would be good as I have to be up early in the morning... Again.

Just. Neeeeed. Sleeeeeep!

hey TPND...........hugs and just a few thoughts here...........
first let beads say that you are OKAY in bead's book, no matter what you do or don't write here.....you have a right to ALL of your feelings, even the ones that you are not proud of or that seem childish! we all have them!....
also........
about this ED thing, i know that you have had a lot of astuff happen in the past that you had no control over;could it be that your ED may be the one thing in your life that you mite have a bit of control over and therefore are hanging onto it? maybe iffen you could journeal or something and get out your feelings with regards to all that has happened in the past you could let go of some of it which might have a domino effect and maybe help you to also let go of the ED?...........just a suggestion and please know that beads here for you always
love, hugs, and tdeey bears,
mary susan

Thank you beads...

I'm glad I'm okay in your books. That makes me a bit heppier and feel better I know I'm safe to write here, I guess I just don't want to be judged at all by anyone or for someone that knows me and my username here, to read it and judge me... I guess i feel like that little scared and shy child again and I don't want to be her. I want to be the fighter that I know I can be.

Yes I'm hanging onto the ED because of having no control over the past and that being something I can control now. I think what you said about journalingn is a good idea and i am starting to do this agian. I'm just finding it all quite tough at the moment, but getting there slowly I think. I just need a push from time to time.

I wasnt to let go of all the hurtful things, I want to stop hurting myself and others and just be happy, but sometimes it feels like i don't deserve it and can't give myself that because it would be wrong.. But then.. I know rationally it's not wrong..

Does that make any sense? :/

[SIZE="5"(((((((((((((((TPND))))))))))))))))

first, no judgement from beads, EVER......
[/SIZE]You bet what you wrote made sense!!!!! Very much so....
beads had ed once upon a tyime...(all the way down to 72 punds & a feeding tube at her worst ) . We did not realize that the control thing was what started it ( we was like 14 or 15 ) and so wish that we had......it would of been so meuch easier to help our self get gooder if we would of understood it more. The understanding did not come untile we was in our mid twenties,,, that is when our real healing from ed at least began. It was a battle that we maybe would not of had to fite for so long had we unnerstood what was behind it.
anyway, just a gentle reminder that You are good,
You are strong,
You are compassionate,
You are courageous......
It IS okay to love yourself too, you deserve to be treated with love and respect by both yourself and others......
one step, one day, and/or one moment at a time you will get there......
p.s. how's the new apt. working out?
you have already come such a long way since beads has been talking to you here............
hopefully together we can Both continue to beat our obstacles
sending you our best,
along with love, hugs and teddy bears,
mary sue

((((pain)))) It sounds so so similar. But don't let them win again! You are stronger and better than that. You will be so much better on your own. Learning to love yourself surrounding yourself with others who treat you good...how you should be treated. Also know you didn't ask or deserve what THEY did to you!! In know way was any of that your fault...you know that...that is why you are not there anymore. It just takes someone else to remind you sometimes!! I wrote a letter to my perpetrater a few years ago before he died. It had been quite a few years since I had seen him. I really hadn't planned on sending it when I wrote it...but for some reason did. His response was denial, accusations, and 4 pages of trying to make me feel bad. It worked for awhile...then pissed me off. Now I know he went to his grave never asking for forgiveness and that is all on him. He had the chance. Not really sure why I just told you that...just felt like it might help....hope it does

Thank you for your reply, Beads. I have just written a huge email to the press about a recent fire in which I was trapped in my flat at the top of the building smoked out etc (check out post in si forum), so I don't really know what to say at this moment in time, I'm sorry

I just want to say thanks for being here. You've all helped me a lot and I really appreciate it.

Miray, that did help, thank you. I may use that to my advantage someday. I am being stronger now with my ED and have pushed myself to eat at least one full meal a day for 11 ays so far and am finding it incredibly difficult because my body keeps trying to reject it, but I know I have to do this although I have had a few tearful moments but I'm getting better... I think... Hope...

Thank you for your insights, they're helping a lot and I am trying my damnedest to get through this, so will hopefully get there, just keep watching this space I guess...

Back in reality!!! Hurrah!!! How are you doing? Hugs

Ummm. I'm doing okay today, feeling really very sick despite only having eaten a sandwich, which isn't helping with ED thoughts and triggers at all, but at least I'm picking up on it, now all that's left to do is do something about it! Hurrah!

Feeling tired but happy because of the hard work I put into helping Connor's Mum with cleaning the house and I think I've done a pretty damn good job! Now, for the link to the newspaper article about the fire:

http://www.bridgwatermercury.co.uk/n...s_of_my_life_/

That's what's on the front page of the paper today. I had to look serious... hard when the photographer's pulling silly faces at you! hehe

Kirsten,
Beads does not know how she could of missed this thread for so long, but we did and we apologize. We did not mean to leave you hanging like this and it definitely did not happen on purpose.
We clicked o the linkk above and read the story in the newspaper about the fire. Haveing not been in that situation before, alls we can do is to try and imagine how terrifying that must of been for you. Bravo for all of your strength and courage. Please know that you are still in our thoughts, we just lost the thread. We do care, and we are lissening. Beads really hope that you will see this and understand; and also see the strong, coureageous, and motivated young woman that you really are.
Sending you our best, along with lots & lots of warm fuzzies,
m.s.