Darn it, FooZe! You make too much sense!

FooZe is a clever clogs isnt he

Now... I don't quite understand why I SI so badly.. I never ever thought in a million years that I would have scars like this on my arms and legs

me neither - but that doesnt mean we have to add more - we can stop now ok - i think we both have

and I never thought I'd have been in hospital for overdoses and for not eating enough.. I guess the SI was my way of outputting the hurt so that I could see it and deal with it in that way, after letting it all build up inside me. Rather like when you get a blood clot, I felt kinda like that.. Like there was a big ball of crap weighing me down and making matters worse and even harder to deal with aand i can't shift it, so in a way I used SI to shift it.. Does that make sense?

yes it makes sense - but what it does is it lets us avoid dealing with the pain and the pain stays there and comes back again cos we havnt dealt with it - now your T can help you

With the ED, I guess that stems from the name calling --- "fatty, chubs, wobbly, frump" etc etc. But not only that. I think it comes from just feeling down on myself and thinking that maybe if I was just a bit thinner they'd stop teh name calling and maybe if I took that sort of control that they couldn't take away from me, then I'd at least know I had control over something.
yes ED and SI is also about control.

But then with therapy, I've figured another part of it is down to punishment. Carrying on the punishment that they gave me. Why I do this, I don't know. I believe that I deserved it and still do deserve it. I'm trying to get past that stage, but after having my self esteem and self belief stamped on so many times, how could I possibly believe what that tiny part of me tells me? And that is that they are wrong and I am right. I confuse myself sometimes!

when you have had that told to you for years you believe it - but they were and are wrong - they are liars and sick and you should be respected and loved and taken care of - you deserve that - everyone of us does.

So yeah.. I've thought about it a lot and I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that yes, I am letting them win by still punishing myself and becoming the wreck that they wanted me to be...

that is a great realisation - so dont let them win

But I look forward to the day when i don't have to use all the things to make me "feel better" and like I've got control and some form of outlet.

i love that bit - that day wil come when being happy is omthing you do to feel better - when gooing out wiht friends and having fun is somthing you do to feel better - when you can love and respect you as you should be loved and respected

Hmmm. That;s a good thought. Thanks for that, FooZe. Given me something to think about

Good on ya FooZe for shining a light again (as you did with me ) and Good on ya TPND for being open enough to take it on board

I didn't sleep too badly last night, woke up this morning feeling sick still, but at least I got myself checked out... Apparently I'd not eaten enough..?!?!?!?!? GRRRRR. I tried at least!!!