my H and I have been married for 33 yrs. i would say that after yr. 8 thru yr 17 were the worst yrs. and 17 to present are putting it all together--maybe. During the worst yrs, i was a real mess. my rebellious provocative and carefree 16 yr old and my 8 yr old were in total control back and forth (though H and I didn't know what was going on) i had my first hospitalization then and was dx with antisocial disorder and depression. before the hospital i had several affairs and acted out without restraint.

during those acting out yrs, my h was totally not helpful. he was distant, self absorbed, and sextually abusive toward me. he was also very emotionally abusive. later in counseling when we got back together, he admitted that it was his way of dealing and trying to cope/punish me for what i was doing to him.

well, we have been together for the last 17 yrs and worked out most all of our issues with each other. he is loving and supportive and has been.

the issue is our love-life or what there is of it. i dissasociate most all the time. when i don't it's not me in bed with him. i often stay in the bathroom till i think he is asleep and then come out or i go to bed before him and sleep.

last night was a bad one. he just got home from a trip. had read the material i gave him. we had a real good open conversation and it was late when we went to bed. i was still a bit keyed from that and having talked to our son in CA about some of his happenings--good and bad. Anyway, my h started to play with my hair and rub my back. i was really liking just the snuggling and gentleness. one of the youngers came out because i was feeling safe. then he blew it. too fast for the younger to get away. someone came to help and all the old feelings came back.

i can't tell him. we are all very stirred up and feeling unsafe again. i was going to call my t, but then i settle down some and don't want to bother her. dumb, yes???

it's not the first time this has happened. it happens alot. H doesn't know he's doing it and i am fighting against the burned in my head idea that wife is to please husband and not refuse because his way of caring is sex.

youngers are stirred up, sexually molested teen is stirred up and i am trying to stay in the present and function. too many triggers...too much pain

wi