trying to trust

my H and I have been married for 33 yrs. i would say that after yr. 8 thru yr 17 were the worst yrs. and 17 to present are putting it all together--maybe. During the worst yrs, i was a real mess. my rebellious provocative and carefree 16 yr old and my 8 yr old were in total control back and forth (though H and I didn't know what was going on) i had my first hospitalization then and was dx with antisocial disorder and depression. before the hospital i had several affairs and acted out without restraint.

during those acting out yrs, my h was totally not helpful. he was distant, self absorbed, and sextually abusive toward me. he was also very emotionally abusive. later in counseling when we got back together, he admitted that it was his way of dealing and trying to cope/punish me for what i was doing to him.

well, we have been together for the last 17 yrs and worked out most all of our issues with each other. he is loving and supportive and has been.

the issue is our love-life or what there is of it. i dissasociate most all the time. when i don't it's not me in bed with him. i often stay in the bathroom till i think he is asleep and then come out or i go to bed before him and sleep.

last night was a bad one. he just got home from a trip. had read the material i gave him. we had a real good open conversation and it was late when we went to bed. i was still a bit keyed from that and having talked to our son in CA about some of his happenings--good and bad. Anyway, my h started to play with my hair and rub my back. i was really liking just the snuggling and gentleness. one of the youngers came out because i was feeling safe. then he blew it. too fast for the younger to get away. someone came to help and all the old feelings came back.

i can't tell him. we are all very stirred up and feeling unsafe again. i was going to call my t, but then i settle down some and don't want to bother her. dumb, yes???

it's not the first time this has happened. it happens alot. H doesn't know he's doing it and i am fighting against the burned in my head idea that wife is to please husband and not refuse because his way of caring is sex.

youngers are stirred up, sexually molested teen is stirred up and i am trying to stay in the present and function. too many triggers...too much pain

wi

<font color="green">I don't have littles but I have had full blown flashbacks occur when my dh did something that triggered me. I sat down with him when we were not in bed or about to be intimate and explained that when he did those things I couldn't handle it. He has been pretty good about my triggers but it is not always easy for either of us. Perhaps you and your dh could come up with a code word that would let any littles know that this is not the time for them to be out? He probably felt that he had prepared you for what came next, when we don't tell our spouses what is going on in our heads then they don't know.

I don't know if this might be triggery for others so thought I would mark it so and let yall read at your own risk. </font>

Trying to have an adult relationship with a spouse I think is the hardest thing there is with being DID. Think you have done the right thing with letting him know the dx. Think you have to be open and talk to him that sometimes it's not the right time to be close. And maybe ask him to let you be the one to start the closest. Only you can tell when you are in a safe and comfortable place to be close. And when I say close I'm also talking about hugs and holding hands, things along that line as well. So you need to communicate your boundaries with him. Just have to hope he can understand.
I know it can get hard when the alters are close and understand what is happening. I know I have had some start freaking out when they get to close. It's extremely hard to get a balance. I do enjoy being close to my husband. I know some people with DID don't have that closest. But I started slowly and built trust in my husband. Only thing I can say is start slowly and set your boundaries and needs. Make them known. Start from there and go at our own pace. Best of Luck, this is a hard one.

Ignorance is the biggest obstacle. I'd tell the H as much as he needs to know until he understands it. My H only wants to know as much as he needs to. I have to push it on him to know "more" than he wants to know. It's not just one person he is dealing with, there's others &amp; our H's have to realize that. We are not alone in the Body.
Hope it works out for you.
Love,
RM

(((((((((((((((((((White Iris))))))))))))))))))))))

i hope that the good ideas given by Dalila, Monty girl and RM help.

Take Care,
kerria

did go see t. yesterday. came up with a plan--first talk to H about the issue. then ask him to ask who is in bed with him before he "gets the idea" make sure it isn't a little there. also t said to talk to the system and explain to the littles especially that in bed with h is not where they are to be. it is only for bigs. h is willing to be more sensitive and make sure he knows who he's being close to. he said that he definately doesn't want to be in bed with an 8 yr old.

he is dealing with this whole thing with some humor (a way he deals with heavy stuff until he processes) and wanted to know if this makes him a polygamist?? LOL it did make him think a minute about some of our past times together and he now realizes. he apologized for his insensitivity to my needs. we are talking. we both see my t monday nite and it will be interesting.

I thank God that my h is really trying to understand and will help any way he can.
thanks all for your input. this is a really rough road.
wi

I'm glad he's trying to understand. This is a hard disorder for us to live with &amp; for us to even understand. Then we ask 'singletons' to try... for those that even attempt the understanding, I give them credit. So happy you both are working it out.
Love,
RM