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Originally Posted by Orange_Blossom
I think it is a valid point deli, for you to be able to decide what was worse, and not p-doc. Only you know what each type made you feel.
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thank you, sweetie. i know they have both screwed me up in different ways, but i feel like the physical stuff was worse because... it always made me feel bad. the sa was different. my equations:
anger/control/discipline/them being bored/whatever = physical stuff. deli deserves it because she is a bad person.
intimacy/gentleness/being loved = csa. deli 'earned' it because she was a good girl. for those 5-10 minutes when it used to happen (if it happened, oh fk, i dont know)...
if it happened... deli was a good girl and she was loved and she meant something. and all she had to do was to be quiet and close her eyes and not tell anyone and be good. sometimes she also participated because it meant that she would be held in place, and that was nice also because it was almost like a hug.
of course, she was a bad person in the morning again. or even immediately after it was over. but just that period of time when it was happening was nice because she was good then and she liked being a good girl. it used to terrify her beforehand, and make her feel lonely and disgusting after... but just while it happened it was the best thing that could happen, because she could shut everything off and just focus on the fact that she was good.
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Talk to p-doc. Tell him how you feel. Sometimes we have to spell things out slowly for these book smart intellectuals, lolol.
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pdoc will think deli was a ***** if she told him all of the above. maybe it is better that he just lives in his book smart world and doesnt think bad of her.