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Seven years ago I had a therapist diagnose me with DID. I didn’t believe her. At the time she was helping me through a significant crisis. She later retired and turned me over to another therapist within the practice, and we finished out the crisis work without ever discussing DID. My past has included self-destructive behaviors: cutting, stealing, and bulimia. The stealing was the crisis which I worked on and successfully overcame seven years ago. The cutting also ceased during that work.
Now, as I’m standing on the edge of a great career and in a healthy relationship, I’ve returned to a new therapist to work on the bulimia. As therapy started, I realized for the first time that all my prior therapy work involved only the current crisis, never trauma work about my past. This new therapist is an eating disorder specialist and has me working with a team of folks from my Dr. to a dietitian. The plan: I work with the dietitian on a meal plan and with her on my childhood.
Three months into this thing - and unable to feel little as I'm talking about memories, at least the few I do recall - and I’m wondering if maybe the first therapist was right.
I feel like there are different moods in me, which I’m aware of, that come out. They’ve become very active as we’ve started into this trauma work. There’s one that curses all the time and thinks everything, including the therapy and the patient before me who leaves the office a bawling mess, is stupid. There’s a very kind mood, which I hope I end up being 24/7 after healing, that is coming forward more often (maybe it’s just me trying to me nicer). There’s this very hard person who would never shed a tear, and is the primary mood that is present. It’s interesting, this hard mood took prominence 7 years ago as I was working on the stealing and cutting, and has been front-and-center since. Prior to that time, I was a freakin’ crying mess around everything (and I haven’t seen that mood ever again, so maybe it’s just therapy work that helped me to mature). Way down deep is a child hovering in a dark corner, and I visually see her. All my moods see her. I’ve seen her look up from down there, yearning to come out, but never will she. Then, there’s another mood within me that is somewhat of a critic of the child, yet a protector, who thinks someday she may be able to come out but only after this mood has given approval that all is safe.
No one has names except the child. And she was only given a name back when the first therapist was working with me so that we’d have a name by which to call her.
I need people who’ve been there to tell me what you think. I’m scared that maybe the first therapist was right. If so, I’m afraid to tell my current therapist for fear that she’ll think I’m a complete nut, won’t believe me, or will tell me she can't help. And I’m very protective of my therapy work and do not want my partner involved. Therefore, if this is the case, I would be afraid that the therapist would require me to bring my partner into the picture. Finally, I can’t have this mess with my career. All I can imagine are straight jackets if I express my concerns.
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