New here, unsure, and afraid

Seven years ago I had a therapist diagnose me with DID. I didn’t believe her. At the time she was helping me through a significant crisis. She later retired and turned me over to another therapist within the practice, and we finished out the crisis work without ever discussing DID. My past has included self-destructive behaviors: cutting, stealing, and bulimia. The stealing was the crisis which I worked on and successfully overcame seven years ago. The cutting also ceased during that work.

Now, as I’m standing on the edge of a great career and in a healthy relationship, I’ve returned to a new therapist to work on the bulimia. As therapy started, I realized for the first time that all my prior therapy work involved only the current crisis, never trauma work about my past. This new therapist is an eating disorder specialist and has me working with a team of folks from my Dr. to a dietitian. The plan: I work with the dietitian on a meal plan and with her on my childhood.

Three months into this thing - and unable to feel little as I'm talking about memories, at least the few I do recall - and I’m wondering if maybe the first therapist was right.

I feel like there are different moods in me, which I’m aware of, that come out. They’ve become very active as we’ve started into this trauma work. There’s one that curses all the time and thinks everything, including the therapy and the patient before me who leaves the office a bawling mess, is stupid. There’s a very kind mood, which I hope I end up being 24/7 after healing, that is coming forward more often (maybe it’s just me trying to me nicer). There’s this very hard person who would never shed a tear, and is the primary mood that is present. It’s interesting, this hard mood took prominence 7 years ago as I was working on the stealing and cutting, and has been front-and-center since. Prior to that time, I was a freakin’ crying mess around everything (and I haven’t seen that mood ever again, so maybe it’s just therapy work that helped me to mature). Way down deep is a child hovering in a dark corner, and I visually see her. All my moods see her. I’ve seen her look up from down there, yearning to come out, but never will she. Then, there’s another mood within me that is somewhat of a critic of the child, yet a protector, who thinks someday she may be able to come out but only after this mood has given approval that all is safe.

No one has names except the child. And she was only given a name back when the first therapist was working with me so that we’d have a name by which to call her.

I need people who’ve been there to tell me what you think. I’m scared that maybe the first therapist was right. If so, I’m afraid to tell my current therapist for fear that she’ll think I’m a complete nut, won’t believe me, or will tell me she can't help. And I’m very protective of my therapy work and do not want my partner involved. Therefore, if this is the case, I would be afraid that the therapist would require me to bring my partner into the picture. Finally, I can’t have this mess with my career. All I can imagine are straight jackets if I express my concerns.

Hmmmm....I'm definitely not as wise as the other guys here, but I thought I'd post here anyways because nobody has responded yet. So um...I'd recommend taking what I say with a grain of salt until someone else says the same thing.

Anyways, I really don't think DID is a diagnosis that therapists just throw out there (judging by some of the posts here that talk about how difficult it is to be validated), however it is also on a spectrum of dissociation so it could be that you do have DID, but it's not as extreme.

Anyways, if you have already been diagnosed then I don't think the person you are working with right now is going to think you are nuts and won't believe you (and if they do then they are not the right person for you anyways!)

In my opinion, I think you should inform your therapist about this because it's vital information when it comes to these things...

Writing,
First of all, let me welcome you to the site! You are among friends here.
Second, your T who told you about DID could very much so be right. I would tell your current T about it. If they don't belive you, somewhere, there is a T out there who will. We know this for a fact, because we found one this month and shall be seeing her in October.
Anyway...
I'm sorry if this dosen't help much, but it's 12:25 am here, and the body's getting tired. I welcome you again, and i am (Webber)Erik, Leader, and one of the protectors, of our group. If you need anything at all, please PM us.
Erik

Welcome..........Over the last 4 years in therapy, I have learnt a lot about D I D. I am coming to understand how it began, how I have hidden it for so long and also am coming to know the various parts that have really saved my life. I just wanted you to know that if you have a good therapist you can maintain a somewhat normal life. My theraputic journey has not been easy, but it has been something I have chosen to do on my own. My life outside of therapy continues to tick along, although I am not saying I dont have some bad days. I have continued to go to work throughout, and really nobody knows about the struggles I sometimes have. Like you, I fear that people would think I am absolutely crazy, if they knew!!! Good luck on your healing journey...............take care.....L

Writingwithink cool choice of name

Welcome

Here's hoping you can find a way to broach the subject with your current T. In the meantime it would be really good to see you around PC and perhaps on this Forum.

Your concerns are important and there are some intelligent and wise answers to be found here.

Is there some way for you to extend the gift of time to yourself. This 'DD thing', from our experience, takes some time and should be allowed to unfold. In the meantime, do take care and happy to meet you.


Hunny

Thanks to all of your comments thus far. I will most likely continue to return. I've found solice in reading some of your stories, so thanks again for being so open in this forum.

Welcome to PC. I so understand not believing. I denied the diagnosis for several years.

I can understand your fears. As you've been working through things, have you noticed that your memory is not there for present things? For example, when you self injured or stole, did you have memory of doing that? The reason I asked was as T and I were working through some things, we were trying to figure out why I did some of the things I did. As we progressed, we realized that there was no memory of time right before or during the incidents. It turned out that other parts of my brain were doing these things as they were triggered. I would "wake up" at the end or sometimes in the middle, wondering what was going on. It made it very hard to work through some things because I did not know what had happened prior. For some things we were able to gain information but even now still, it can be hard. But, T knowing that it was other parts helped us immensely to know how to handle things.

Perhaps you can ask some questions to T about her beliefs in things before you tell her about the findings of the former T? I don't think she will think you are a nut. No matter what is going on for you, there are reasons for it and it's understandable.

As far as your partner, you are in complete control of your therapy. If you do not want your partner involved, that is your right and your T should respect that. Just simply say "No" (haha, I know the word "No" is not that simple though).

Again, welcome to Psych Central. I hope you will find lots of good support here.

wanttoheal: Thanks for the reply. Regarding your question about memory: This is one of the areas that has made me perhaps believe that maybe it's true. Although, I've never "lost time," I have forgotten conversations A LOT! I'll be sitting with the CEO or in any other situation, and a topic will come up that's been previously discussed, and I just don't recall, or there is a terrible amount of confusion around the subject in my mind. In fact, when I look at my adult life, there's so many things I don't remember and have to really work to recall, if it can be recalled. Here's an example: This weekend when I went back to my legal file from the stealing case seven years ago, I read the letter from my then-T to the judge. It ended with saying that she was retiring because she had cancer. I know sure as crap that I read that letter back then, but when I read it this weekend, the cancer thing was totally new. Regarding my childhood memories: only a few strung in a non-linear web. Hardly any memory.

Thanks, wanttoheal, for the reply. Regarding your question about memory: This is perhaps one of the reasons I'm beginning to think that maybe it's true. I always didn't believe I had DID because I've never - at least that I can recall - "lost time." Of course, I recall very little from my childhood (although some things are coming back as I work on the trauma), but in my adult life, I've never ended up in a place and wondered how i go there, or anything similar. However, recently, in an honest look at this issue, I've forgotten conversations and other things throughout my adult life. I can be sitting in a meeting wtih the CEO, and she'll reference something i said or a conversation we had, and I can't recall it, or there an extreme fog of confusion abotu crisp details. In fact, I've been to a neurologist in the past regarding memory, and he said all was good. So, while I've not "lost time," it's very difficult for me to recall a lot of conversations and the sort. Another example: This weekend when I went back to review my legal file from the stealing case 7 years ago, the letter from my then-T to the judge mentioned that she had cancer and was retiring because of that. I know sure as crap that I read that letter many times back then, but the cancer thing was new to me this weekend when i saw it.
Please forgive the grammatical errors. No time to go back and proof; must get back to office.

I so understand the forgetting or being confused. I used to think I was stupid because I didn't know what people were talking about half the time. I've always hung back in conversations because of this, waiting for them to say something, or enough, that I could latch onto to continue the conversation.

It may have been your brain's way of protecting you from the fact that your former T had cancer. That's a big thing to have to deal with and if you had a good relationship with your T, it was probably a scary thing. Scary=Forget in my brain.

I struggle with jobs at work sometimes because I will be asked if I did such and such job and as I'm shaking my head no, I'm wondering. Often they will come back and say, oh, hmm, your initials are on the ticket. Anymore when they ask, my pat answer is, "Hmm, I do so many jobs that I might have, but I just can't remember right now." Then I usually have to go through the job (I'm a graphic designer) and try to figure out what needs to be done, what was done, etc. And often times I disappear and it gets done again without me. I hope one day to have enough co consciousness that I know what people are talking about without the investigations. I think that's one reason I like this forum. Everything is written down and I can go back and read whenever I want to. I may not always remember that I wrote it, but I can see it there in Black and White and that's been very helpful to me.

You're VERY welcome!!
(Yeston)Erik

We're glad you are here. Anytime you need to talk or anything, we'll be around.