My therapist didn't come out and say I am a lousy mom...but we had been talking about how I am very worried about messing up my daughter. I really have to work on my perfectionism/black and white thinking. The T said I need to do it whether I want to or not because my daughter doesn't deserve to be treated that way. Then the T was HAPPY about me being angry with her. It feels like she stabbed me in the back. Obviously I do want to work on my issues or I wouldn't be in therapy in the first place. I don't trust my T any more because of that.

I work for a hospital where if a mother doesn't breastfeed, there is gossip and rude things said about her. I gave up breastfeeding because I was going manic from feeding my daughter every 1.5 hours for two months straight. The mood stabilizers were not compatible with breastfeeding either. I had been on Zoloft, which would have given me full blown mania if I hadn't recognized what was going on and told my Pnurse. Too bad the boob specialist thinks that if you love your child you will breastfeed no matter what it does to you...or you are lazy and just didn't want to give up sleep for the sake of your baby.

I told my friend that I had heard mania made it impossible to concentrate on anything, and the person cannot control their thoughts and actions making the episode very scary. (I actually was telling her of my experience with it). I also told her a person with delusions doesn't know they are being unreasonable. Arguing and yelling only makes the episode worse...and if this happens again the mom needs meds to stop the mania immediately...don't let some internist poke around until Mom has more seizures or even dies from mania.

Mom in law is back on the plane to her home 3000 miles away! Wheeee she can stay there!!!!

Ahhhh...it feels a bit better to vent. I went to the park with baby today, and cleaned my bathroom. I realized that I have been self medicating with caffeine...because without caffeine I cry and feel really depressed.