Depressed again

Aw, crap. Please let me vent here because there is nowhere else to go right now.

I thought I had depression under control, but I think it is bothering me again.

First, it was my T saying that I am a lousy mom who will screw up her kid.

Then it was the breastfeeding expert at work telling us that if mothers loved their children enough they would breastfeed no matter what it did to them.

Then the same expert waited until I was gone and told the mother of my patient that I don't want the patient to get better and am holding the patient back.

Then one of my favorite coworkers who threw a baby shower for me last year...started taking about how hard it is to deal with her mom lately. I asked her what was going on. Apparently mom had a psychotic episode. That sucks! Then my friend described what her mom's symptoms were...oh **** oh ****...she's describing a classic manic episode that progressed to psychotic features. The hospital basically treated the mom like she was a misbehaving child, threatening and yelling while doing loads of tests. No treatment was done for the mania AT ALL. Mania is a medical emergency! The mom had a seizure from lack of sleep and hypoglycemia after 5 days of no sleep and no eating. She was okay after that.
My friend talked about how horrible her mom was, and how she just wouldn't focus, you get the picture. Yet another coworker who hates bipolar people.

After that I drug my sorry tired butt back home. My mother in law just came into town...and my hubby said he would drop her off at the hotel and come home. OH NOOOOOOO he told mom he would make me go out to dinner with them instead. So after three days of hell, my jackass husband makes me listen to his mom pick on me for hours at dinner. If I wanted to see my baby after three days of work I had no choice.

I am so depressed I just want to curl up in bed and wonder what I ever did to deserve this.

((((Amazonmom)))) Hugs for your day. Sorry you had to go through all of this.

Had to think on this for awhile.

First of all you are always welcome to vent here, that is what we do.

Depression seem to know when we are vulnerable so it can jump out at us. Just try to remember how you got it under control before so you can do it again. I for one knows how hard that can be.

I don't get the therapist saying something like being a lousy mom to any person at all. What kind of therapist would put people down? And I myself see you on PC - I would never believe that you are a lousy mother.

Can't help with breast feeding but if you can't do something you can't.

Can you help your friend by sharing what you know about manic episodes? You don't have to tell them of yours but you can lead them into the right direction for help.

Sorry - Mother in laws we have to live with. hugs for your day.

(((Amazonmom)))

"Lousy Mom" - what's the DSM-IV-TR or ICD-10 code for that?

"Stabbed in the back multiple times, Amazonmom goes out with family to be dinner."

You really deserve a full-blown rant.

((((((((((((((amazonmom)))))))))))))

My therapist didn't come out and say I am a lousy mom...but we had been talking about how I am very worried about messing up my daughter. I really have to work on my perfectionism/black and white thinking. The T said I need to do it whether I want to or not because my daughter doesn't deserve to be treated that way. Then the T was HAPPY about me being angry with her. It feels like she stabbed me in the back. Obviously I do want to work on my issues or I wouldn't be in therapy in the first place. I don't trust my T any more because of that.

I work for a hospital where if a mother doesn't breastfeed, there is gossip and rude things said about her. I gave up breastfeeding because I was going manic from feeding my daughter every 1.5 hours for two months straight. The mood stabilizers were not compatible with breastfeeding either. I had been on Zoloft, which would have given me full blown mania if I hadn't recognized what was going on and told my Pnurse. Too bad the boob specialist thinks that if you love your child you will breastfeed no matter what it does to you...or you are lazy and just didn't want to give up sleep for the sake of your baby.

I told my friend that I had heard mania made it impossible to concentrate on anything, and the person cannot control their thoughts and actions making the episode very scary. (I actually was telling her of my experience with it). I also told her a person with delusions doesn't know they are being unreasonable. Arguing and yelling only makes the episode worse...and if this happens again the mom needs meds to stop the mania immediately...don't let some internist poke around until Mom has more seizures or even dies from mania.

Mom in law is back on the plane to her home 3000 miles away! Wheeee she can stay there!!!!

Ahhhh...it feels a bit better to vent. I went to the park with baby today, and cleaned my bathroom. I realized that I have been self medicating with caffeine...because without caffeine I cry and feel really depressed.

((((((Amazon)))))))) So sorry you're going through this right now. I'm glad you use this forum to vent though. I wish I shared here as much as I probably should. Try to take these things with a grain of salt. Dont view it as a personal attack against you because that's not going to be helpful at all. Careful with the caffeine! That can lead to disaster as well! I hope you get to feeling better soon... life just isn't supposed to be this hard.

((((((((((((((((( Amazonmom ))))))))))))))))

To me you sound like an amazing person, I've said that before. You deal with a lot everyday and you are good at what you do. Don't let anyone else or depression tell you any differently. For all of your hard work at home, at work, and here on PC Jobs Well Done. Hugs for your day.And Thank You.

we should never let others words, especially those who are unknowing or uneducated in particular areas of life, hurt us. we know the truth and we need to remind ourselves of that!!!!

And please, tell your t how she made you feel. Maybe it was just a big misunderstanding? Maybe?

we should never let others words, especially those who are unknowing or uneducated in particular areas of life, hurt us. we know the truth and we need to remind ourselves of that!!!!

((((Berries)))) We do know the truth if depression will let us see it. remind me, remind me, that is what I have to do remind myself - good idea my friend.

Liar !!!! Liar !!!!! Liar !!!!!

Yes if you can fight off the depresion liar Don't stop trying - we will ( you will ) win some day. Hope you have time for a few hugs in your busy day.

By all means, VENT, Amazonmom - get all of that stuff out of your system. You know that you have done nothing to deserve any of that - it's all just the toxic waste that hypercritical and judgmental people spew about hoping to make others perceive them as being superior to you and everyone else. In fact, such individuals usually attack and demean those they find most intimidating - those they actually envy - so, in a way, they are complimenting you by their belittling; i.e., they have bigger problems than you going through their lives feeling so inferior to others. Just smile ever so sweetly at them to let them know just how much you pity them trapped in and victimized by their own insecurities. As for "to breastfeed or not to breastfeed," YOU are your baby's Mom and YOU are responsible for making the best decisions about your baby's care based on YOUR particular circumstances and situation, and no one has the right to criticize or pass judgment on you - not even your T.

I know I will never be the person I should have been. Having a baby was going to be the last chance I had to make something in my life go right. (HUGE back story there) I was going to give her the best. I ate well, went to all my appointments, did all the screening tests, nothing went wrong with the pregnancy except for her being breech at 40 weeks and my emergency Csection. I know I could not have prevented the breech, so I am not too upset over that. But good moms aren't suicidally depressed after having their babies...(not now but I was before). Breastfeeding was a nightmare of epic proportions. So now I feed her crappy Costco brand formula.

I can't afford a home in the good school district down the highway. I can't afford to stay home with her. I can't afford the high quality day care centers all the Microsoft employees can. I have no idea about things like playgroups. I went without breakfast an entire month so I could afford to buy her a highchair. I drank coffee instead...NOT a good idea. I have always wanted two kids because I hated being so lonely as an only child. I have no idea how I can pull that off financially...or if I should even try poisoning another child with my genes.

I freaked out when a friend said my daughter looks like me. Not only does it mean she will be doomed to be hideous and everyone will shun her...if she is like me she might end up a bipolar mess like me.

I just want her to be happy and have friends. I just have no idea how to teach her to have that life.

I don't think the Lithium is stabilizing my mood very well right now!

That was a great vent. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!

I really believe this: What a child needs more than anything is your unconditional love and approval. Give your daughter plenty of that, take very, very good care of yourself and everything else will work out.
And if she does get bipolar--you will already know all the ropes and will be able to support her much better than a mother who is clueless about it.

Well said, Berries - took the words right out of my mouth (or rather off my keyboard). Berries is making sense here, Amazonmom. Just be the best Mom you can possibly be, and love your daughter and yourself as much as you possibly can all things considered, and stop measuring yourself against some ficticious "Good Mom/Bad Mom Standard" established by who knows who(?).

Hey, Amazonmom - There are some very good things floating around in that gene pool, too, like tenacity, determination, courage, fortitude, and a love of life that you chose to give your daughter a shot at - there is a wealth of knowledge and experience that you will be able to share with her, as well, to help her be strong enough to deal with whatever her life throws at her. The very fact that you are so concerned about being a good mother to her is a HUGE plus!

I am going to try a new approach at this one please do not be offended if you do not like it. I care for you very much Amazonmom but I want to try something new.

See what you have written Amazonmom. You are not a bad mother, person or human being. Depression KNOCK IT OFF leave this wonderful amazing mother alone. Amazonmom, try NOT TO LET DEPRESSION LIE TO YOU!!! I am not trying to show anger at you I am angry with our mental illnesses. God! please take mental illness away from us all. Hugs for your day.

Hope your days have been better since the 24th. If not I hope that they get better real soon. I care.

((((Amanzonmom))))

You are being heard loud and clear. You are a wonderful mom and woman. You are worth listening to. Please don't let the depression keep lying to you.

Your strength amazes me. Know we are there with you and listening. We care. I am sorry you are feeling so bad. But I think you are stronger than the depression is letting you see.

Know that we are here for you always and that we do care. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

I think sometime I should post my story on my profile...then some of my triggers will be explained better.

My daughter has met all of her milestones, is enormous (97th percentile for height and weight), and smiles/giggles all the time. She loves to eat peas. That is all her father, not ME! LOLOL

I just had all my major triggers happen within 3 days time and it messed with my bipolar a bit.

I love all of you guys, thanks for not judging me. So many people see what I have and tell me I have no reason to be unhappy...that it must be nice to have the luxury of feeling sorry for myself....